too real

How can I just let you walk away
Let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, oooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cause we share the laughter and the pain, we even shared the tears
But you're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now, there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that what I've to face

I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see my cry
There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all


So take a look at me now, there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now, there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, well that's all I can do
And that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me know
Cause I'll just be standing here
And you coming back to me
Is against all odds and that's a chance I got to take
Take a good look at me know.

 

-against all odds, gavin degraw

put up your dukes, let's get down to it

Life, its crazy how some things never work out,
But I'm hoping that this time goes right,
Cause I've tried so hard
to keep you hanging on this life,
But you always have to try and  f i g h t

Time, it's gone so fast, all it took was one night back,
to crash it all into the ground,
Now two gone deep in a predictable last scene,
I never thought it'd be you and me
So what do we do?
I tell you I'm afraid just like you,
but by the time we're done thinking it's gone,
So don't waste your life,
just look at me and remember the time,
the time my angel came to stay
Take me away.

but I just want to wake up from this dream

i'm so sick of it. i'm angry all the time and i dont know why. i hate people. everyone annoys me. i think things about people that i cant even imagine entering my head. i'm never happy....sure i can laugh and make jokes but i havent been satisfied with who i am or what i stand for or how my life is or how i treat people or how i allow people to treat me in over a year.

i want to be happy and i'm not. i want to sit back in a rocking chair and mentally recap my whole life and say that i'm proud of what i've done and i'm content with who i am. right now that is nothing but a mere fantasy.

i hate feeling this way. and to be quite frank, i hate the way you've been acting. something is definitely not jiving correctly and you wont tell me what it is. i need to know whats up and why you've been acting so odd. it isnt just affecting you anymore, it affects us now. for everythingi  say you have a smart ass reply, an unnecesary remark...rudeness honestly. i feel like the closer i try to get to you, the farther you push me away. i dont know how to fix this. i feel so distant from you. and it physically hurts me to miss you. i hate that. i dont want to miss you this way. i dont want to feel so down all the time. i dont want to be excited to see you only tobe dissapointed by your behavior. i ache for you and it wont go away. now things will be harder to sort out too. i dont know what to do. i feel like giving up--and i would too if you didnt mean so damn much to me. life is so unfair.

i hate the fact that you make me cry

i feel like you've been so distant, like you havent been there recently. i need you. i need you so much and i dont think you realize how important you are to me; not having you here kills me. i cry and i tell how i feel and you have no response. before i was always afraid i'd hurt you--that you'd end up caring more about me than i did about you. thats all different now. i feel like the more i open myself up to you, the less you seem to be there. i love you and i miss you and it hurts me that you cant talk to me, it kills me that you hurt and i dont know why and i cant make it better. i just want things to be better.....

the mind is a troubling place

dont you hate those days when you're going along fine, mindning your own buisness, feeling neither ecstatic nor depressed and all of a sudden, BAM! something happens to wash the neutral feeling away? so do i, especially when that BAM! happens to be something smacking against my skull with a sharp crack. i also find it amazing that people assume just because you're quiet and dont have a lot to say that you are automatically categorized as incapable of any thought, emotion, or hearing ability whatsoever. i just love listening to what people are saying about you when they dont think you can hear them--when they're less than 36 inches away. such a shining example of the human intellect, is it not?

another thing that baffles the mind is that reading is to a majority of the adolescent population an unheard of, unspeakable evil in which no one should partake. often times passersby halt and oggle at said reader and stare for minutes. one would assume they are trying to rationalize what implication someone reading will mean for them. will people see this insane imposter of a teenager and expect them to pick up a leather bound volume and digest its contents? it truly is amazing, and at times horrifyingly irritating, to be stared down while trying to ingest some outer knowledge. or even just seperate yourself from the mindless banter of the self-absorbed clones that are rich high school burn-outs.

and by the way, picking a fight with a black girl that out-weighs you by at least 100 pounds is the dumbest idea ever. and fighting in front of 200 people about who said and did what makes you 1. look like an idiot 2. even more annoying than previously assessed. 3. just as ridiculous as you say they are for stooping to their level and screaming about it infront of an audience. you just want attention, thats the only reason you cant shut your flapping damn mouth.

and...no one gives a damn about your expensive norwegian or swedish or danish wherever the hell its from water that you got for free. sorry.

i feel better now, and i hope everyone has a lovely, radiant afternoon. sorry if my usage of more extravagant vernacular confuses you. i get a bit wordy when i'm in a mood of less than sunshining proportions.

sorry for the delay

man oh man...i've been such a journal bum. deepest apologies to my loyal readers, if any still exist.

it's been a busy few weeks.  ROCK the UNIVERSE was awesome which is to be expected. did the heart walk downtown saturday morning. Midnight club was pretty sweet friday night. the gators kicked tennessee's bootay saturday. (was there any doubt? i think not) kelly and i ate more food than i thought humanly feasible this weekend. no sleep. good times.

natalie will be 18 this friday which is awesome. my little baby is growing up so fast! (i cant believe! you're a senior haha)  i'm painting her something lovely for this fine occasion...well--upon completion i hope it to be lovely. and i hope she likes it--i'm a bit apprehensive

i'm really enjoying art class a lot.  i have to say i'm not half bad at it and its really nice to have that awesome relax chill time to think and just make somehting cool. mrs holechek is so laid back and unique--shes a beautiful person.  i wish i could say the same for another teacher that i just love so much...lordy--we wont even venture into the cataclismic repartee that is Coach.

so, i'm this whole president of the youth group thing should prove to be interesting. i dont know what it's going to entail beyond having to talk in youth services which i am desperately loathing. but, beyond that i think it'll be a cool way to hopefully get more people active and interested in the youth group.  it's such a special thing to me and i want everyone to at least be open to the idea that its so much more than just that church thing on sunday nights.

by the way, Urban Heat hip-hop aerobic videos are the coolest way to get in shape ever. if you're a female look-alike of Michael Jackson and you live in the early 1990s.

.:"Forney, if you feed a cow chocolate, do you get chocolate milk?" "Yep, and if you spin it real fast, you get whipped cream!" "Wow, you know a lot!" "That's why I work in a library.":.

-where the heart is, [americus and forney]

every moment is worth the time

the strands in your eyes that color them  w o n d e r f u l

stop me and steal my breath

emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky

[never revealing their depth]

tell me that we belong together

dress it up with the trappings of love

i'll be captivated, i'll hang from your lips

instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

i'll be your cryin shoulder

i'll be love's suicide

i'll be better when i'm older

i'll be the greatest fan of your life

rain falls angry on the tin roof as we lie awake in my bed

you're my survival, you're my living proof

my love is  a l i v e  and not -dead-

 

that is indeed my favorite song of all time. the words are beautiful. it has such soul, such purpose. it describes how love should be, and how i feel. i've heard the song and listened to or read the words a thousand times, and every time i am just amazed. it never ceases to thrill me.

i'm sorry about how things turned out. it was bad timing and personally i believe a bad decision on their part--you deserve better and you'll get it someday. they just need to see what they had right in front of them. i guess it's a lesson to all of us: fight for your dreams

.:i'll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it:.

there arent words

i just wrote a whole entry. i dont know why it didnt get saved. i dont feel like re-living that so just know it was good

everyone should have a mantra

be still and know that i am god

psalm 46:10

this is my mantra for the school year. senior year is not some hugely pivotal thing for me, but it will have its own quirks.  there will be plenty of downs, and hopefully more ups.  but this verse is what i consider to be the ideal reminder of God's grace. you cant understand it, you cant know what his purpose entails, but just knowing you'll be taken care of is such a beautiful thing to remember.