i know you can be overwhelmed, and underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed? i think you can i

FYI: Hanson is cool, i dont care what anyone says.

secondly, strawberry frappuccinos are great...any frappuccino is really.

thirdly, i have nothing left to say except school is a superfluous waste of time.

 

--Lt. Dan! You got legs!--

the rain falling softly from the heavens is a beautiful thing she said. he agreed

so. here i am again. another day. another second, a moment in the endless spindle of time. it never seems like we ave enough, yet there is and always will be a plethora of time. you cant be out of it, you can't spend your last "time" and be broke. you just...are. you go and move and live your days, and though they are numbered we never really die. i mean...spiritually we will live on for eternity no matter where we end up, so time is an inconceivable, unattainable, untaintable thing. you spend it how you will. endless experiences, moments, pieces of that idea of time make up who we are and how we turn out, but in the end does it matter? we just continue on, being and growing and living. the epitomy of being is not time, but how time is spent.

--Be joyful always, pray continuously, and give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16--

Clock stirkes upon the hour and the sun beings to fade...

This is going to be my wedding dress. I'm going on a cruise to some tropical place, getting married on a lovely sunny day on the beach with the crystal clear aqua water crashing in behind me, in this dress, with my hair flowing gently behind me, with bare feet, so i can feel the sand squishin between my toes. orchids and lillies and white daisies will be everywhere, and my boquet will be all different colored orchids, which will be great against all the other white flowers. This is all just FYI--i decided i'd share because i wanted to, and well--its my journal so if you dont care go away.

tomorrow will be fun-i hope. being as i dont know whats gunna happen i cant say it or wont be fun--it better be.

ahh--ansley, if youre reading you'll be excited. i doubt you'll ever see this but i'll take a shot. We just got the Audrey Hepburn movie set and i'm so excited, we ordered it and it came a few days ago, she is so amazing--i love her.  she's the most beautiful woman in the entire world. her, and rachel mcadams. anywho...until we meet again

 

--We are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong, searchin our hearts for so long.....love is a battle field, we are young, heartache to heartache we stand, no promises no demands, love is a battle field...--

Red nails are pretty; Red lips are better

I've been on edge lately. everything has been getting on my nerves, and more often than not i have handled it irrationally: i.e.--the immature, immidiate reaction that you excpect from bad drivers and people who work at K-mart in the Little Caesar's who didnt go to college. anyways...i've been trying to focus more on taking deep cleansing breaths....the kind you see in cheesy yoga infommercials. You have to find your center, be patient, and remember to be kind. I really was just struck by our Sunday school lesson this past weekend. The sheet is in my car and being the lazy person i am, i'm not going to go retrieve it anytime soon, so just trust me when i say mrs. collins deserves definite props. i'll refresh you on all the cool stuff in there.

life is just this boring cycle...same thing everyday. nothing is new. everything in my life is stale, uninteresting, boring, in need of a ZAP!  i wake up at 6:15 every morning (during school), go pee, put on some concealer and mascara, get dressed, eat breakfast sometimes, get the pups and let them pee, brush my teeth, go pick up caroline, and endure 6 hours of catholic-enduced mayhem. i come home, actually do the work assigned, eat a snack, chill if i have time, eat dinner, take a shower, talk online, go to bed. EVERYDAY! its fine if you dont like change--and in some circumstances regulrity is best, but not in my everyday life, positive new, fun, exciting occurances are good. i want them. i just have no control over it, besides maybe getting dressed in the morning then peeing or something. ugh....i need some tips--let me know if you have any. (this isnt a suggestion--i seriously want a comment every now and then folks)

 

--And i'm only gunna pierce my left, and i've ben workin on this mustache all summer long, and my favorite band willl always be tears for fears, and i'm gunna wear a pink tux to the prom.--

the space bar is a highly important, seldom appreciated thing

i was going to journal. now i have to "go powder my nose" badly, and i need to shower and blow dry my hair, and your still online so--i dont really have time. look of rone in the near future. love...

 

143

 

        --I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pourin rain look for the girl with a broken smile ask her if she wants to stay a while and she will be loved and she will be loved.--

 

When you're the president of the breakfast club, and you're not hesitant to fall in love...

AH. Ok, so i spilled coke (a-cola) on the old keyboard, but this one's spacebar doesnt work for crap. i have to go through and re-space half the stuff i type. AHH so many people to talk to! Thanks ash, that was a sweet thing to say--it really did brighten my day. It kindof makes my day incomplete in a way if i dont write. it's weird. like, if i havent written something, my day feels funny. I HATE THIS KEYBOARD! and i hate spanish. they tell you to thinkabout this crap before hand, hello.....this year is completely and totally not the same as it has been before....actually speaks in spanish and i dont know whats going on ever, i feel stupid. AH. <---My new expression.  I'm totally stoked about being the editor of 70X7...i think it'll be the most awesome experience...having talked with bryan, i think there be some major POSITIVE improvements for this year and the next.

We totally take the cutest pictures ever, i'll get em scanned soon and post em. i hate school. i want it to die!

 

--God is my sheild, saving those whose hearts are true and right.--

                                                             Psalm 7:10

smile the for camera

i hate times like this. you get so caught up in everything thats going on, all life's minute frusterations, consumed by frivolous worry and not consumed by the Word. i just get so angry over little things that dont matter, swear and yell at the computer when it doesnt work how i want it to or as fast as i want it to, talk about someone or think unkind thoughts about someone else when i get pissed off. i mean dont you ever just feel like everything you do is wrong? like you conciously think,"oh, that was bad....i shouldnt have done that." but then ten minutes later you find yourself unconciously doing it or something equally wrong again? i dont do it on purpose, but i feel so far from God at this point. i haven'thad some positive re-enforcement in a while....i need a serious dose of God right now. like, i want to just be taken away with love and relief, swept up in my passion for my Savior, but i just have such a hard time somtetimes getting into a routine, a daily concentration on what i need to do, what i need to be focusing on and who i need to be thinking of.

--You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times. And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you. But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry, is how long must I wait to be with You? I close my eyes and I see your face, if home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow? I've never been more homesick than now. Help me Lord because I don't understand Your ways. The reason I wonder if I'll ever know but even if You showed my the hurt would be the same. Because I'm still here so far away from home, in Christ there are no goodbyes, in Christ there is no end. So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have, to see you again.--

                                                  -MercyMe: Homesick (Undone)

ew

this weekend was not all i was hoping for. i'm tired, and grumpy, and anxious, and sad......not at all happy. i hate my classes and i need to transfer out of one...i dont even want to be at school. i want to go somewhere far away and just clear my head and be alone. life has been quite...dissapointing lately and i'm tired of dealing with it, too tired to even try to fix things. too tired for people to dump their problems on me, i have a plethera of my own....i'm not the community emotional dump here folks--just rksitina. but even though i feel this way i'll help in anyway i can--thats just me. sometimes i want to scream at people and tell them to go away but i'm just not like that. i wish i was sometimes, but then again i know that wouldnt do anyone any good, and thats all thats important.

 

--Your love, is extravagent. Your friendship, it is intimate.--

strength--i've never seen more

Yeah... this right here (tell me why)
Goes out, to everyone, that has lost someone
That they truly loved (c'mon, check it out)

Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show
I laced the track, you locked the flow
So far from hangin on the block for dough
Notorious, they got to know that
Life ain't always what it seem to be (uh-uh)
Words can't express what you mean to me
Even though you're gone, we still a team
Through your family, I'll fulfill your dream (that's right)
In the future, can't wait to see
If you'll open up the gates for me
Reminisce some time, the night they took my friend (uh-huh)
Try to black it out, but it plays again
When it's real, feelings hard to conceal
Can't imagine all the pain I feel
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still living your life, after death

Every step I take, every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
I'll be missing you
Thinkin of the day, when you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
I'll be missing you

 I miss you Big

It's kinda hard with you not around (yeah)
Know you in heaven smilin down (eheh)
Watchin us while we pray for you
Every day we pray for you
Til the day we meet again
In my heart is where I'll keep you friend
Memories give me the strength I need (uh-huh) to proceed
Strength I need to believe
My thoughts Big I just can't define (can't define)
Wish I coul turn back the hands of time
Us in the six, shop for new clothes and kicks
You and me taking flicks
Makin hits, stages they receive you on
Still can't believe you're gone (can't believe you're gone)
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still living you're life, after death
 Somebody tell me why

One black morning
When this life is over
I know
I'll see your face

Every night I pray, every step I take
Every move I make, every single day
Every night I pray, every step I take
 Every day that passes
Every move I make, every single day
 Is a day that I get closer
 To seeing you again
Every night I pray, every step I take
 We miss you Big... and we won't stop
Every move I make, every single day
 Cause we can't stop... that's right
Every night I pray, every step I take
Every move I make, every single day
 We miss you Big

Ramsay Breazeale

October 11, 1946-August 11, 2004

--You're living through him, and that's all any of us could ask for...--

it was a big day

new haircut, new things, new experiences, new relationship....new outlook.

editor's note

today started off....early. one way too energetic phone call at 7:30 by a very energetic boy woke me out of my rock hard slumber. it was worth it. then, at 9:30 i got a text from the same kid....ah. also worth it. i finally drug my big...not butt...big...self out of bed at 12:30, took a shower, tara came, then stephen, and we went shopping for school junk. then i hung til 7:30 and went to natalie's to finish sewing my skirt--it is so cute! and then to stephens again. it was a busy day let me tell you. Kaytlin is the cutest baby ever.

soo, i decided lie in our graves by dave matthews is my new favorite song, along with the one i am currently listening to. there's this like 10 minute....i dont even know the technical name....its not intermission but thats all i can come up with so we'll call it that. its amazing. stephen dont laugh at my pathetic attempts to be musically inclined. anyways--it the best song ever....listen to it.

i got an email today that totally made my day. ahh....offering me the coolest opportunity ever, if i get to do it--wow it'll be awesome, i'm so excited about it.

 

--I thank my God everytime I remember you.--

                                           Philippians 1:3

wanda + betty...

today was good. no, almost perfect. you know why. we'll figure this out soon enough.

 

--The space between the tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us comming back for more.--

dimples and tears

so, i just saw the Notebook with caroline.....i love it. rachel mcadams is the most beautiful woman ever. i adore her. anyone--male or otherwise--who has yet to see it needs to, you will be touched. kristina...."hard-hearted hannah" as my momma so lovingly calls me....cried her eyes out...twice. it's funny really, the way i cry. when i was little, i used to cry myself to sleep a lot if kim got upset and screamed and cried--it would terrify me, and i cried my eyes out everytime, and i still do even though it rarely happens....but i guess because i was naive and small, it was night time, and everyone was asleep, i never made a sound. i would shake and tears would drench my cheeks, but i never made a sound....so watching a movie where i cry is always...new. three times and counting so far, twice in the same movie. i didnt think i would cry, i thought i would be ok since i was ok the last time i cried in a different movie--i didnt cry the second time. this just rips your heart out, and then you remeber that even though its sad, the love you see is greater than anything else in all the world and then you cry just because you want to know what thats like...i sure as hell do. if i feel that ever in my life...even for an instant, i'll have lived more gloriously than anyone i'm liable to meet.

thank you for talkig with me tonight. knowing i have someone like me around that i can talk to and have understand me is something i didnt really see fully until tonight.

one thing that just really kills me is that i dont feel welcome. when the time comes that you need me there with you--i shouldnt have to hesitate and think about the fact that i probably wont be welcome, you are my best friend and the second you need me i will be there, and i think that is all that matters. there shouldnt be any reason for me to feel like i cant be around you or go to your house or even be seen with you--even be near your house whenever i want to be. there shouldn't be any reason we cant have a normal friendship. it kills me, all i care about is you, ALL of you--the whole crew, and the fact that i wont be on the receiving end makes me sad.

i'm so confused.i realized i let worrying about what everyone else wants influence every decision i make, instead of doing anything for myself. i care so much about hurting anyone that i just do what i think will be easiest. i hate that. as selfish as it seems, it does even to me, i feel like i need to make my decisions based on whats best for me and not other people....can i ever be happy going that route? i feel so selfish even thinking about this but honestly i'm not sure i'm going to make myself happy if i just do things so i can please others...no matter how rude i act or how much it seems like i dont care what people think about me, i do. i cant stand when people dont like me....but only if they're just outright rude to me. like if someone yells at me, i cry. i'm just sensitive even though i dont think i show people that side of me often....i kind of act like a tough bitch so people cant hurt me. it all comes back to being hurt doesnt it? its pretty ironic...i never even realized its my biggest fear of all.

i have just now, in this span of 45 minutes decided i am going to make a change in my life. i dont even know how this will work, i tend to talk myself out of numerous things so we'll see how this goes down. i want to start doing things, for others, but start doing--or making--some decisions for myself....making them for my own happiness and not someone else's. i want to--this is where it gets tricky--open up. i dont want to close people off and out of my life because its truly no way to live at all. i dont enjoy it by any means, its just a hard cycle to break. i'll let you all know how this turns out....anyway...keep your fingers crossed

confetti icing really is the best

ok, so i totally wrote this last night, but it didnt save, as most of my journals dont. i have to copy them before i save them most times, and paste them into a new entry--suffice it to say it annoys me, as most everything in this world does. i should work on that....patience is a virtue means nothing to me....its a quality i do not posess--something unattainable for me...i see it in others and even THAT annoys me. but then again, when stupid rude people who are nosy and have no friends and call you a brat and basically just annnoy the living CRAP out of you who act like your mom try to be patient--it takes all my self control--which i realized i have a plethera of--not to slap them in the face.

on a lighter note.....

this--or i should say last evening was pretty good...if i do say so myself. ziti is so good...mmm. props to mom for making it pretty much after i scalded myself. dont ask. and by the way--people who have to steal bandaids from winn dixie should just take the whole freaking box, instead of taking the bandaids OUT of the box and leaving it there for innocent and unknowing people to buy later on...paying for an empty box. THANKS. ok so that cake was amazing...not pretty,but it tasted so good....confetti icing really is the best. 

i'm really not looking forward to school starting up again....i mean if i had actually gotten a decent schedule, teachers i wanted, lunches with people i actually knew, or a parking spot i could actually find....it MIGHT be different. but i dont know anyone, for classes or lunch, so i'll basically be a wlkaing hermit this year. i'm too shy to actually talk to people. (for those of you who know me well--try not to laugh TOO hard at this embarassing fact of my life) Yes, Kristina, Queen of the Skeptics, is afraid to talk to people, mostly impart i would believe, because it would mean letting people into my world and making myself vulnerable. something i do not do. you know what i mean...we already talked about it...not in this context but in general. anyways, i hope this year will turn out a million times etter than i am currently anticipating....or just fly by like last year. and i hope i dont flunk out either....with algebra which i suck at, anatmoy which will kill me, and spanish IV which i wont be able to understand on my plate...i think my eyes were inexplicably larger than my stomach. in any case, prayer will be a life line for me this year. wow, that makes it sound like it wasnt before---you know what i mean.

 

--How do I know what could have been, is what should have been? or what wasn't, is what was best?--

pink silk and black lace

this week has been....one of many emotions. i've been up--happy, laughing, and being myself--and i've cried numerous times for various reasons, seemingly all worse than the previous. everything has been so...complicated lately. relationships are confusing, at times strained, and even misinterpreted. feelings and tensions have been high and nerves have been trampled on. i've had a headache every single day this week, which isnt a good sign since that hasnt happened in two years. i just feel like i have to have my gaurd on at all times--i have to be ready for absoultely any and every conceivable occurance and trying to prepare for such things daily strains my mind and spirit--but mainly my heart. i can be fine one minute--have not a single care in the world--and the next i am on my knees pleading with either God or myself for guidance and solitude, praying for solace and peace for either myself or for someone close to me. i'll be laughing and the next thing i know i'm sitting on the floor listening to my best friend in the world weep, crying myself trying to understand why this has happened, why he has to go through something so horrible. why anyone has to deal with anything like this....why i feel like i'm always on egg shells...trying not to say the wrong thing and constantly searching for Your words instead of my own. I need strength right now, not for myself but for you, and I feel it slipping and hate myself for not being ready to comfort when i'm needed. i pray so often that this will all be over soon so we can all begin to heal; and simultaneously i pray for him to be healthy, i beg God to keep pain away from him, to give him comfort if nothing else. i'm torn, i just wish i didnt have to shed or more importantly see one more tear fall from a single eye; i want you to be happy again. everyday is a sturggle to be strong, to tell myself that my faith in You will refresh me so i can stand by your side and never falter, to keep me walking along with you never halting to catch my breath. even as i sit here pouring my thoughts out through my fingertips, even as i sit here and weep as each word comes to me, i pray for comfort, guidance, strength, love, mercy, and hope. this is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with, and it doesnt even involve me. there's nothing i can do, i'm powerless to help anyone. i dont even feel like i have a purpose sometimes, then i see a smile through the tears and i'm reminded that just being available is all i can do, it gives me a renewed sense of belonging. you just cant ever forget where i am, where my heart is, what with every fiber of my being i long to achieve.

 

--The most important thing is love. Unfaling in its strength, it can conquer everything.--