this makes me feel better.

i finally know i'm ok.

I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.


I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.


I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

Time, time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now.


I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
Starts with goodbye,
The only way you try to find,
Moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,

harry potter is awesome. yep, i said it. AWESOME.

i love jk rowling. she's a superstar.oh man.

i dont know what i wanted to say...i get here and want to let things out and then i freeze up and nothing comes out. i feel like i have something to communicate and then nothing.

i feel like i'm finally ready. and it's been a long time since i was anywhere near this close to being ready. i may not be there, but its coming. i dont need him anymore. i dont lose all the air in my lungs, cry, feel overwhelmed, physically need him anymore. i miss him on bad days. somewhere deep inside i miss him on good days too, and i'm learning that thats ok, and as long as i keep looking forward, i wont need to hold on to him anymore. its ok to let go and follow the new path my heart has found. i may not be there yet, but i'm getting close to something beautiful, and its brand new.

the f-up

sometimes i feel like a complete bitch. i hear the stuff i say...and it isnt even necesarily awful stuff...but i hear how i talk to people, and i just want to hit myself. i dont mean to be so bossy, i dont mean to be such a perfectionist, i dont mean to micro-manage. ugh. if i were someone else meeting me, i'd probably hate me. nice.

i never meant what i told you to hurt you the way it apparently did. you needed to know that your actions and words are more powerful than you seem to realize, you cant live forever thinking the way you treated me was ok, but i never meant to make you feel so hurt. i dont remember my wording, i dont remember exactly what i said, but i do know imy intention was not to hurt. i may not have executed it well, but i'm sorry. i want you to be happy and i want you to find someone who will make you happy and i think one day you will....but you have to let people love you. and you have to stop being so insecure. you have to find the person who appreciates YOU, not the person who uses you as a convenience. you are better and deserve better than that and if i ever made you think otherwise i'm sorry. i try so hard to get along with you...i hate thinking we'll never be close. that sucks. but sometimes i dont think we ever could be.

ugh. i feel like i f-up everything i do. ^ that. the last relationship i was in. this relationship. i swear i'm like a virus. and its all different. im too outspoken, i'm too hot tempered, i'm too insecure, i'm too afraid...i dont feel like i can function sometimes. i wish there was an emotion vacuum..or a sponge. i could sop up all my extra emotion, crazyness, worry...pick your poison, i just want to get rid of it. its coming out my ears. i'm insecure from being dumped by the first person i loved and so i need constant reassurance; i need to be told how great i am because i still feel kind of like i'm worthless. [i'm not saying these are logical or plausible feelings, they just are what they are and its how it is.] i'm afraid you dont care about me as much as i care about you so i get even more insecure. and then when i realize how much i might just care about you i start being irrational and obsessing over stupid things that dont matter so i can push you away because i'm afraid of liking someone so much again, but as i push you pull me back and i push harder and....jesus. its this horrible cycle. i want to feel confident in myself, i want to know that you care about me not only by your actions but by your words. being insecure is not the only reason people need to be told their value, telling someone why you treasure them is something you should do with everyone you know, especially in a situation like this. i want to be with you and know we're on the same page, and i want to love you knowing thats ok and that its possible to be over him. i want to know for myself, in my heart, that i moved on and i made it through all the crap i was feeling and i'm on the other side and i'm ok, i didnt die, i thought i might but i didnt, and i realize that even though part of me will always love him, the rest of me is happy to be with someone i know genuinely loves me too.

i also want to stop being an insomniac. i hate this.