you need to grow up. you do not need to greet me with a "hey, insert stupid childish cutdown here." stop trying to act cool, stop showing off in front of people, stop being an asshole to me in front of people and being normal and nice when we're alone. you dont hate meor you wouldnt call me randomly and try to come see me. so stop being a jerk.
moving on.
i'm glad i wont be missing ski trip. i just hope it all works out. it'll be stressful but hopefully worth it.
i never have to go to work agaiinnnnN! well, not true. i am sure before i die i will work another day. just not now, and just not this job. ha! i guess making some extra money was nice but working seasonal retail is absolute hell. geeeez.
mmm. my books. so many. i just want to snuggle with them. and read them, that too.
my head hurts, i'm not terribl excited about that. or that we have a small country's worth of trash to take out.
"it's a small country; rhode island could kick the crap out of it in a war, this is NOT a big place!"
i love that movie. its hysterical.
i'm ready for my new coat, shoes and books to arrive. ready, set, ARRIVE!
oh man my head hurts. bum.er.
i think i may go burn dvds to my ipod. because i cannn! i love it.
goodnightbye.
26.12.07
that should not have happened.
my christmas in pictures.
but in gold, not silver.
onion goggles...to wear while chopping onions so you dont cry
salad spinner. duh.
designed by art students--critbuns. you sit on it during long critiques so your tushy feels nice. because critiques are LOOOOOOONG.
gps. sweet.
------------>i dont really understand how the day could end so badly but it did and i'm really sorry. and i know sorry really doesnt mean anything, but i'm here. for whatever you need.
but in gold, not silver. onion goggles...to wear while chopping onions so you dont cry salad spinner. duh. designed by art students--critbuns. you sit on it during long critiques so your tushy feels nice. because critiques are LOOOOOOONG. gps. sweet.------------>i dont really understand how the day could end so badly but it did and i'm really sorry. and i know sorry really doesnt mean anything, but i'm here. for whatever you need.
23.12.07
i like this song a lot.
What you got if you ain't got love
The kind that you just want to give away
It's ok to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith
Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small
It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide it swallows you whole
While you're sitting around thinking about what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count cause you can't get it back
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, and when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And then you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh, it sure makes everything else seem
So small
The kind that you just want to give away
It's ok to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith
Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small
It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide it swallows you whole
While you're sitting around thinking about what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count cause you can't get it back
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, and when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And then you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh, it sure makes everything else seem
So small
21.12.07
20.12.07
hmmmmm
Hot College Majors on AOL Search:
1. Major in government
2. Colleges with dance majors
3. Business forensics major
4. Songwriting major
5. Neuroscience major
6. English major
7. Broadcasting major in college
8. Biology major
9. Colleges with jazz music major
10. Colleges with commercial music major
interesting.
1. Major in government
2. Colleges with dance majors
3. Business forensics major
4. Songwriting major
5. Neuroscience major
6. English major
7. Broadcasting major in college
8. Biology major
9. Colleges with jazz music major
10. Colleges with commercial music major
interesting.
19.12.07
oh the joys of internet surfing...
what i learned today:
1. jamie lynne spears, 16 years of age, is prego. nice. good luck to you....
2. czech people hate santa claus. traditionally, jesus was the one who brought presents to kids, and when capitalism was nearing the borders of the czech republic.....santa came a blazin' in. resentment, anyone? i dont blame them honestly.
3. "silence of the lambs" is, apparently, the best crime thriller. according to moviefone.
4. you can purchase Oscer statues, [yes--oscEr...oscar is trademarked/copyrighted...whatever,] online and have them personalized. nifty, from 10 bucks to 100 if you want 24k gold. blliiiiiing!
5. you can purchase actual replicas of wands from every major character in the Harry Potter series. i wont lie--i want them all. thats right, i said it.
6. someone isnt feeling smart. neither am i.
7. that gabi wilson kicks butt. shes 10. and can belt out alicia keys songs that rival said artist's talent. go get em babe. watch her...
http://www.aolvideoblog.com/2007/12/05/move-over-alicia-keys/
8. that is all for now. i really should go to bed. since tomorrow will be the first day i;ll have to be up before 11am....in weeks. oh the joys of a seasonal job. only two more weeeeeeks!
1. jamie lynne spears, 16 years of age, is prego. nice. good luck to you....
2. czech people hate santa claus. traditionally, jesus was the one who brought presents to kids, and when capitalism was nearing the borders of the czech republic.....santa came a blazin' in. resentment, anyone? i dont blame them honestly.
3. "silence of the lambs" is, apparently, the best crime thriller. according to moviefone.
4. you can purchase Oscer statues, [yes--oscEr...oscar is trademarked/copyrighted...whatever,] online and have them personalized. nifty, from 10 bucks to 100 if you want 24k gold. blliiiiiing!
5. you can purchase actual replicas of wands from every major character in the Harry Potter series. i wont lie--i want them all. thats right, i said it.
6. someone isnt feeling smart. neither am i.
7. that gabi wilson kicks butt. shes 10. and can belt out alicia keys songs that rival said artist's talent. go get em babe. watch her...
http://www.aolvideoblog.com/2007/12/05/move-over-alicia-keys/
8. that is all for now. i really should go to bed. since tomorrow will be the first day i;ll have to be up before 11am....in weeks. oh the joys of a seasonal job. only two more weeeeeeks!
16.12.07
why did we have to listen to amy grant at 12:30 am.....whyyyyy
my feet. they used to happily transport me from place to place, were a means by which to get from point A to point B if you will.
now....they scream and wriggle and scrape me along, wailing in protest to m every movement. my feet. they do not love me anymore.
i might be angry with you, disappointed, confused, want to hate you, and everything else...but underneath everything i just miss you more than i ever thought possible. and feeling sad that i feel so alone in that. feeling so alone in general. so. alone.
now....they scream and wriggle and scrape me along, wailing in protest to m every movement. my feet. they do not love me anymore.
i might be angry with you, disappointed, confused, want to hate you, and everything else...but underneath everything i just miss you more than i ever thought possible. and feeling sad that i feel so alone in that. feeling so alone in general. so. alone.
14.12.07
i'm done. and you've made it clear thats alright.
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
----------------------->tear.my.heart.open.:.papa.roach
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
----------------------->tear.my.heart.open.:.papa.roach
8.12.07
fitting....
"do not ask a person why he is the way he is, ask for what he would change."
---------------->milton erickson
---------------->milton erickson
you make me sick
i dont even know what to say. besides the fact that you are a complete and total bastard. because really...that doesnt really do it. no--not quite.
this is ME. for christ's sake...i sat with you and held your hands while you were lowe than anyone....anyone i've ever seen in my life, i was there damnit. and me...who is basically your closest friend....i'm not important enough to you for you to GROW THE HELL UP and stop acting like an f-ing spoiled child. you dont give a shit about anyone. not a single person. and i dont understand. and you dont even care. you dont care. you dont care that you treat all you're "friends' like total crap, you dont care that you only deign to be the friend of others, people who aren't good enough for you to let in close enough to be yours. you dont care that you threw this relationship out the window because your so fucking apathetic it didnt even phase you that i'm OUT OF HERE.
i'm so sick of it.
so. damn. sick. of. being. the. throw. away.
neither one of you could see past your own immaturity, you're own unwillingness to face life and that it HURTS sometimes, that it isnt always easy, sometimes you have to fight for people that you love. nope. why should that matter to you guys? you have apathy and bitterness to keep you company. no matter that i try so hard, no matter that i want you to see me, appreciate who i am, love me. because who the hell cares? i'm not worth it. nope. it doesnt matter that i get hurt over and over by people who should love me, only because they are too stupid, stubborn, and SCARED SHITLESS of what feeling something actually means. because it's always. about. YOU.
you dont even care that you just lost me. and thats what hurts me. losing me isnt worth getting upset about. you selfish bastard.
it's your loss. but it's my pain.
this is ME. for christ's sake...i sat with you and held your hands while you were lowe than anyone....anyone i've ever seen in my life, i was there damnit. and me...who is basically your closest friend....i'm not important enough to you for you to GROW THE HELL UP and stop acting like an f-ing spoiled child. you dont give a shit about anyone. not a single person. and i dont understand. and you dont even care. you dont care. you dont care that you treat all you're "friends' like total crap, you dont care that you only deign to be the friend of others, people who aren't good enough for you to let in close enough to be yours. you dont care that you threw this relationship out the window because your so fucking apathetic it didnt even phase you that i'm OUT OF HERE.
i'm so sick of it.
so. damn. sick. of. being. the. throw. away.
neither one of you could see past your own immaturity, you're own unwillingness to face life and that it HURTS sometimes, that it isnt always easy, sometimes you have to fight for people that you love. nope. why should that matter to you guys? you have apathy and bitterness to keep you company. no matter that i try so hard, no matter that i want you to see me, appreciate who i am, love me. because who the hell cares? i'm not worth it. nope. it doesnt matter that i get hurt over and over by people who should love me, only because they are too stupid, stubborn, and SCARED SHITLESS of what feeling something actually means. because it's always. about. YOU.
you dont even care that you just lost me. and thats what hurts me. losing me isnt worth getting upset about. you selfish bastard.
it's your loss. but it's my pain.
29.11.07
take me home baby
reasons why curtis stone is the perfect man:
-he cooks. and that is the biggest reason. it's such...a refreshing thing. a guy who not only cooks, but is good at it and enjoys it...nice.
-he finds people in the grocery store and takes them home and cooks for them. who doesnt want someone to cook them dinner? and teaches them while he cooks. even better.
-has been, and cooked, in basically every place i would love to go. personal tour guide? i think sooooo.
-who doesn't love the australian accent? seriously.
-oh yeah....he's also gorgeous. i guess that counts too.
24.11.07
Why would you wanna break
A perfectly good heart
Why would you wanna take
Our love and tear it all apart
Now, why would you wanna make
The very first scar
Why would you wanna break
A perfect good heart
Maybe I should've seen the sign
Should've read the writing on the wall
And realize by the distance in your eyes
That I would be the one to fall
No matter what you say
I still can't believe
That you would walk away
It don't make sense to me
But why would you wanna break
A perfectly good heart
Why would you wanna take
Our love and tear it all apart
Now, why would you wanna make
The very first scar
Why would you wanna break
A perfect good heart
It's not unbroken anymore
How do I get it back the way it was before?
Why would you wanna break
A perfectly good heart
Why would you wanna take
Our love and tear it all apart
Why would you wanna make
The very first scar
Why would you wanna break
A perfect good heart
Why would you wanna break
A perfectly good heart
Why would you wanna take
Our love and tear it all apart
Why would you wanna make
The very first scar
Why would you wanna break
A perfect good heart
A perfectly good heart
Why would you wanna take
Our love and tear it all apart
Now, why would you wanna make
The very first scar
Why would you wanna break
A perfect good heart
Maybe I should've seen the sign
Should've read the writing on the wall
And realize by the distance in your eyes
That I would be the one to fall
No matter what you say
I still can't believe
That you would walk away
It don't make sense to me
But why would you wanna break
A perfectly good heart
Why would you wanna take
Our love and tear it all apart
Now, why would you wanna make
The very first scar
Why would you wanna break
A perfect good heart
It's not unbroken anymore
How do I get it back the way it was before?
Why would you wanna break
A perfectly good heart
Why would you wanna take
Our love and tear it all apart
Why would you wanna make
The very first scar
Why would you wanna break
A perfect good heart
Why would you wanna break
A perfectly good heart
Why would you wanna take
Our love and tear it all apart
Why would you wanna make
The very first scar
Why would you wanna break
A perfect good heart
walkin tall.
uggggggghhhhh.
what the helllll!!!!!! standing for 8 hours BLOWS. bad. after 7.5 hours i literally walk around in a haze, capable of bursting into tears at any moment. i can barely move. my normal pace is relatively fast...my 7.5 hours of working pace is relativly slow compared to a sloth. considering i never had to get a job in the first place, i am seriously questioning if i was on drugs when i decided to do so. i'm stupid.
Please take down the mistleoe
Cause I don't wanna think about that right now
Cause everything I want is miles away
In a snow covered little town
Mama's in the kitchen worrying about me
Seasons greetings hope you're well
I'm doing alright if you were wondering
Lately I can never tell
I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when you were mine
I've been doing fine without you, really
Up until the nights got cold
Eveybody's here except you, baby
Seems like everyon's got someone to hold
But for me it's just a lonely time
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine
--------------------> .taylor.swift.
on another note.
i think its funny how silly fsu fans insist on believing the lie that they will win. silly seminoles. you were in gator country....the swamp takes no prisoners. just meat. and you were the main course.
what the helllll!!!!!! standing for 8 hours BLOWS. bad. after 7.5 hours i literally walk around in a haze, capable of bursting into tears at any moment. i can barely move. my normal pace is relatively fast...my 7.5 hours of working pace is relativly slow compared to a sloth. considering i never had to get a job in the first place, i am seriously questioning if i was on drugs when i decided to do so. i'm stupid.
Please take down the mistleoe
Cause I don't wanna think about that right now
Cause everything I want is miles away
In a snow covered little town
Mama's in the kitchen worrying about me
Seasons greetings hope you're well
I'm doing alright if you were wondering
Lately I can never tell
I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when you were mine
I've been doing fine without you, really
Up until the nights got cold
Eveybody's here except you, baby
Seems like everyon's got someone to hold
But for me it's just a lonely time
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine
--------------------> .taylor.swift.
on another note.
i think its funny how silly fsu fans insist on believing the lie that they will win. silly seminoles. you were in gator country....the swamp takes no prisoners. just meat. and you were the main course.
18.11.07
The Best. Compay. EVER.
i am not happy about working at 8 am. i want to sleep for once! i dont feel like ive gotten any sleep in days. ugh.
i wish i knew what you were thinking. it is killing me to not know. so i guess if you read this....know i meant what i said and i want you to decide whatever is best for you, but i need to know. i don't want to lose you. or go crazy waiting.
i wish i knew what you were thinking. it is killing me to not know. so i guess if you read this....know i meant what i said and i want you to decide whatever is best for you, but i need to know. i don't want to lose you. or go crazy waiting.
17.11.07
i have no idea. i wish you could let me love you. or that i could just let you go.
Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn't you see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it's here I see the truth,
I don't deserve you.
But I need you to love me,
And I, I won't keep my heart from you this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can't
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how you
could cherish me.
Cause you're a God who has all things,
and still you want me.
And I need you to love me,
And I, I won't keep my heart from you this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been, oh-oh.
And I need you to love me, yeah
I need you to love me, ye-ea-eah!
And I'll stop this pretending that I can't,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me
Didn't you see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it's here I see the truth,
I don't deserve you.
But I need you to love me,
And I, I won't keep my heart from you this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can't
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how you
could cherish me.
Cause you're a God who has all things,
and still you want me.
And I need you to love me,
And I, I won't keep my heart from you this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been, oh-oh.
And I need you to love me, yeah
I need you to love me, ye-ea-eah!
And I'll stop this pretending that I can't,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me
15.11.07
24 hours later...
so i woke up at 7 am.....yesterday. and i havent slept since.
fun. i love finals. so lovely. i finally finished the damn thing, but never got around to packing...so at 6 a.m. i took a shower, threw all my crap in bags, and after this i have to lug it all out to my car, go to classs, have my drawing ripped apart, come back, pack all my food up, drive to jacksonville, drop crap off, go to target for my third interview...its a seasonal position holy crap...and maybe, somewhere around, say--4? 6? p.m. i might get some sleep.
hopefully the energy pill i took at 5 a.m. will keep me kickin' until then.
ugh, i'm ready to just chillllllll. yeah. right.
fun. i love finals. so lovely. i finally finished the damn thing, but never got around to packing...so at 6 a.m. i took a shower, threw all my crap in bags, and after this i have to lug it all out to my car, go to classs, have my drawing ripped apart, come back, pack all my food up, drive to jacksonville, drop crap off, go to target for my third interview...its a seasonal position holy crap...and maybe, somewhere around, say--4? 6? p.m. i might get some sleep.
hopefully the energy pill i took at 5 a.m. will keep me kickin' until then.
ugh, i'm ready to just chillllllll. yeah. right.
12.11.07
feeling guilty, how did i let myself fall in love with two men? who do i choose? ben? or jerry?
A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst.
I started looking for excuses.
Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.
When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.
A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized,
That you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.
Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.
When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.
And I'm tired,
I should not have let you go.
So I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms.
And I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms...
------------->warning sign
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst.
I started looking for excuses.
Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.
When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.
A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized,
That you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.
Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.
When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.
And I'm tired,
I should not have let you go.
So I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms.
And I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms...
------------->warning sign
11.11.07
that's why her hair is so big, it's full of SECRETS!
seriously. if you dont check out Post Secret you need to.
postsecret.blogspot.com----new secrets every sunday.
i'm serious. do it. you will not regret it.
postsecret.blogspot.com----new secrets every sunday.
i'm serious. do it. you will not regret it.
golden oldies.
i just spent....however long its been since i updated last..an hour? 2? reading all of my journal entries from 2006. parts made me laugh. parts made me angry all over again. parts made me remember.
i remember being so in love with mitchell that no one else in the world seemed to matter. ever. and man. i had it bad. i was l-o-v-e in love with that boy. and he completely and utterly smashed my heart into ten thousand pieces. reliving that is still a little hard. but i look back, to the times just before i left for school...at how hard i was trying to hold onto him...it was just not good. i can tell by the way i wrote that i was trying to psych myself up..but i knew it was over before i left. he was too young, couldn't handle it. but it didnt make things any easier. i remember the day in september when i realized it had been a year since we had broken up. september 22nd to be precise. and i felt sad. for about half a minute. because this past year was so hard, and i missed him so much, and you know what? i made it. i made it through. there were nights i thought i wouldn't wake up in the morning because i was so distraught, but i always did, even if it meant waking up to the realization he wasnt mine for the zillionth time. and i look back now and realize i'm here still. i am living my life, and even though it isnt perfect, i'm alive. and i still miss him on the rare occasion, but i dont feel like palms sweat and my heart stop whenever he's around. i dont get tongue-tied and stupid, i dont hold on the the pathetic shread of hope i scavanged from God knows where...we are friends and we talk and i am happy with that. and realizing i made it through that makes me realize how strong i am. it also makes me realize if he wasnt the one, whoever is has so much love waiting for them, they wont know what to do with themselves.
i remember patrick coming home, and how happy i was to pick him up from the airport. we dont even speak now. well, hardly ever. i dont feel like either one of us has made any effort to stay friends. which is sad, and whenever this thought occurs to me i drop what i'm doing and call him. i usualy...actually never...get a response until at least a week later. we have our own lives now and they are seperate, but i just hope if i need him he will still be there willing to listen. i have pretty high hopes that he will.
although i never wrote anything about you, i am remembering you tonight. mostly because i dont have you anymore. which was my own doing. i couldnt go on the way things were, and it wouldnt have been fair to you. but i miss you so much it hurts. i feel like a part of me is missing. i went to barnes and noble alone, which never used to bother me. i felt so incredibly small and alone. and there was a stupid 14 year old couple making out by the sci-fi section. and i wanted to smack them and tell them to f off. but instead, i went and hid in the art section. part of the reason i love it is because it is in the back where no one purposely goes...the just stumble upon it in search of the toilets. so it is secluded and private and perfect. and i read a painting book, trying not to think about how you wouldnt be coming up behind me to see what i was reading, or how you wouldn't be sitting in the history section with 15 books in your lap about attila the hun or diseases of the 17th century. [not that i particularly remember you having an avid interest in 17th century diseases....it just seemed weird enough to fit.] i also had to remember you would not be waiting for me in the parking lot, holding your world market apron, with a box of that nasty lava cake mix. and it made me so sad. because i didnt lose a boyfriend. i lost a best friend. and i cant be here, in this city, where we spent an entire year together, without thinking about you. i missed you so much tonight. i miss you so much right now.
ha, remembering the post i wrote about how stupid my old roommate was was quite funny. what a retard. i'm not even devoting a whole paragrpah to that crazy 83431.
[check out the periodic table. courtesy of daddy-o...wait, maybe i shouldnt be telling people my dad told me that. oh well..toolate now.]
and again, i never wrote about this before, but i am thinking of you also tonight. [pause, contacts suck. you can pretend crazy elevator music is playing or something...or i guess you could skip this part since by the time you read this i will have continued my post....you decide.] ok..anyway. i am thinking that i feel a teeny hint of guilt every time we talk. i wait impatiently and excitedly for your emails, and when i finally get one a huge smile crosses my face. long or short, i enjoy them. i am glad i have friend i can talk to, especially about particular things, which i dont feel i can share with other people, if only because they try to give advice or tell me what they think instead of shutting up and listening, period. this is what i love about you. you listen. and you give advice when i need/want it. nothing more or less. and i dont feel as if you judge me either. which is also nice. it makes me sad to think how long its truly been since i've seen your face, i honestly cant even say what we did the last time we were together..whether it was that spontaneous, and not all that cardio-ed walk we went on, or if it was the trip to the movies, where i cant even recall the film, just that we had a blast eating candy like it was goin outta style. i like that i have fun with you--and that i dont even remember WHAT we do half the time, but that i remember how i felt when we were together. that i was happy and laughing and be silly and myself and it was OK. its refreshing. and i wish there was a way for it to happen more often. sometimes i wonder about you, because you are always honest with me, but also in a way discreet. so i dont always know what's on your mind, nor always what is really going on under the surface. i feel like with you i tend to pour out everything because i find it so easy to talk to you, but that you end up listening more than sharing. which is fine, and its great...but sometimes i wish i knew for certain what you think.
this is an absurdly long memoir. for a journal entry anyway, and certainly my longest in ages. i guess i cant stop typing because if i do, i have to face the silent, dark lonliness. so...here's to turning out the light.
i remember being so in love with mitchell that no one else in the world seemed to matter. ever. and man. i had it bad. i was l-o-v-e in love with that boy. and he completely and utterly smashed my heart into ten thousand pieces. reliving that is still a little hard. but i look back, to the times just before i left for school...at how hard i was trying to hold onto him...it was just not good. i can tell by the way i wrote that i was trying to psych myself up..but i knew it was over before i left. he was too young, couldn't handle it. but it didnt make things any easier. i remember the day in september when i realized it had been a year since we had broken up. september 22nd to be precise. and i felt sad. for about half a minute. because this past year was so hard, and i missed him so much, and you know what? i made it. i made it through. there were nights i thought i wouldn't wake up in the morning because i was so distraught, but i always did, even if it meant waking up to the realization he wasnt mine for the zillionth time. and i look back now and realize i'm here still. i am living my life, and even though it isnt perfect, i'm alive. and i still miss him on the rare occasion, but i dont feel like palms sweat and my heart stop whenever he's around. i dont get tongue-tied and stupid, i dont hold on the the pathetic shread of hope i scavanged from God knows where...we are friends and we talk and i am happy with that. and realizing i made it through that makes me realize how strong i am. it also makes me realize if he wasnt the one, whoever is has so much love waiting for them, they wont know what to do with themselves.
i remember patrick coming home, and how happy i was to pick him up from the airport. we dont even speak now. well, hardly ever. i dont feel like either one of us has made any effort to stay friends. which is sad, and whenever this thought occurs to me i drop what i'm doing and call him. i usualy...actually never...get a response until at least a week later. we have our own lives now and they are seperate, but i just hope if i need him he will still be there willing to listen. i have pretty high hopes that he will.
although i never wrote anything about you, i am remembering you tonight. mostly because i dont have you anymore. which was my own doing. i couldnt go on the way things were, and it wouldnt have been fair to you. but i miss you so much it hurts. i feel like a part of me is missing. i went to barnes and noble alone, which never used to bother me. i felt so incredibly small and alone. and there was a stupid 14 year old couple making out by the sci-fi section. and i wanted to smack them and tell them to f off. but instead, i went and hid in the art section. part of the reason i love it is because it is in the back where no one purposely goes...the just stumble upon it in search of the toilets. so it is secluded and private and perfect. and i read a painting book, trying not to think about how you wouldnt be coming up behind me to see what i was reading, or how you wouldn't be sitting in the history section with 15 books in your lap about attila the hun or diseases of the 17th century. [not that i particularly remember you having an avid interest in 17th century diseases....it just seemed weird enough to fit.] i also had to remember you would not be waiting for me in the parking lot, holding your world market apron, with a box of that nasty lava cake mix. and it made me so sad. because i didnt lose a boyfriend. i lost a best friend. and i cant be here, in this city, where we spent an entire year together, without thinking about you. i missed you so much tonight. i miss you so much right now.
ha, remembering the post i wrote about how stupid my old roommate was was quite funny. what a retard. i'm not even devoting a whole paragrpah to that crazy 83431.
[check out the periodic table. courtesy of daddy-o...wait, maybe i shouldnt be telling people my dad told me that. oh well..toolate now.]
and again, i never wrote about this before, but i am thinking of you also tonight. [pause, contacts suck. you can pretend crazy elevator music is playing or something...or i guess you could skip this part since by the time you read this i will have continued my post....you decide.] ok..anyway. i am thinking that i feel a teeny hint of guilt every time we talk. i wait impatiently and excitedly for your emails, and when i finally get one a huge smile crosses my face. long or short, i enjoy them. i am glad i have friend i can talk to, especially about particular things, which i dont feel i can share with other people, if only because they try to give advice or tell me what they think instead of shutting up and listening, period. this is what i love about you. you listen. and you give advice when i need/want it. nothing more or less. and i dont feel as if you judge me either. which is also nice. it makes me sad to think how long its truly been since i've seen your face, i honestly cant even say what we did the last time we were together..whether it was that spontaneous, and not all that cardio-ed walk we went on, or if it was the trip to the movies, where i cant even recall the film, just that we had a blast eating candy like it was goin outta style. i like that i have fun with you--and that i dont even remember WHAT we do half the time, but that i remember how i felt when we were together. that i was happy and laughing and be silly and myself and it was OK. its refreshing. and i wish there was a way for it to happen more often. sometimes i wonder about you, because you are always honest with me, but also in a way discreet. so i dont always know what's on your mind, nor always what is really going on under the surface. i feel like with you i tend to pour out everything because i find it so easy to talk to you, but that you end up listening more than sharing. which is fine, and its great...but sometimes i wish i knew for certain what you think.
this is an absurdly long memoir. for a journal entry anyway, and certainly my longest in ages. i guess i cant stop typing because if i do, i have to face the silent, dark lonliness. so...here's to turning out the light.
10.11.07
alonefortheholidays.
this is the one reason i hate the holidays. i am always alone. no matter what. and its depressing. i dont like shopping and seeing gross couples runing around being all...in love. and making out in barnes and noble. go to books a million if you want to do that. seriously.
i'm kind of over waiting. i pretty much havenever been good at it, and i've been doing so long in this respect that i just want to scream at God and ask Him why He's making things so damn difficult. i fall in love and then its gone. i get over it and find someone new and it doesnt work out. or the timing is off. or the distance is off. or the situation isn't...right. and i'm so damn tired of feeling like the odd person out. always. i cannot name a single close friend that isn't/hasn't had someone...for at least a year. seriously. and they always want to bring their boyfriends along. cool. good for you. you got someone. whoopie. i dont care. [i realize this sounds immature.whatever. does it look like i care? exactly.]
i want him. and i want him now. and why the HELLLLLL is my spacebar notworking. ahhhhhhhhhhhi hate this damn thing. what the..
moving on. i want the support, the friend, the closeness, the constant companion. i dont want to hot party date,the arm candy, the showman. i want the forever. and i dont think that that is too much to ask. i really dont. i want to be in love and have it work out for once. i just want the be in love, and be loved.
this is the loneliest time of...everything.
.:slow down girl your not going anywhere
just wait around and see
maybe I am much more you never no what lies ahead
I promise I can be anyone I can be anything
just because you were hurt doesn't mean you shouldn't bleed
I can be anyone anything I promise I can be what you need :.
---------------->secondhand serenade.
i'm kind of over waiting. i pretty much havenever been good at it, and i've been doing so long in this respect that i just want to scream at God and ask Him why He's making things so damn difficult. i fall in love and then its gone. i get over it and find someone new and it doesnt work out. or the timing is off. or the distance is off. or the situation isn't...right. and i'm so damn tired of feeling like the odd person out. always. i cannot name a single close friend that isn't/hasn't had someone...for at least a year. seriously. and they always want to bring their boyfriends along. cool. good for you. you got someone. whoopie. i dont care. [i realize this sounds immature.whatever. does it look like i care? exactly.]
i want him. and i want him now. and why the HELLLLLL is my spacebar notworking. ahhhhhhhhhhhi hate this damn thing. what the..
moving on. i want the support, the friend, the closeness, the constant companion. i dont want to hot party date,the arm candy, the showman. i want the forever. and i dont think that that is too much to ask. i really dont. i want to be in love and have it work out for once. i just want the be in love, and be loved.
this is the loneliest time of...everything.
.:slow down girl your not going anywhere
just wait around and see
maybe I am much more you never no what lies ahead
I promise I can be anyone I can be anything
just because you were hurt doesn't mean you shouldn't bleed
I can be anyone anything I promise I can be what you need :.
---------------->secondhand serenade.
7.11.07
somewhere inbetween
i suddenly feel so alone. like a part of me has been misplaced. and i dont know where to look. i'm so tired of feeling alone--even in crowds i can sometimes feel invisible.
i dont always feel alone, but it happens often enough to irritate me.
i miss the closeness. i want the closeness. and i dont have any closeness. and there isn't anyone who can give it to me for whatever reason. i almost feel like i'm standing on the edge of something, i'm ready to leap off and dive into this great, new adventure...only the person who is supposed to catch and go with me never showed up. so i'm stuck, standing, staring out at what i could have, only to have to wait for the impromptu to arrive.
............i hate when people are late.
i dont always feel alone, but it happens often enough to irritate me.
i miss the closeness. i want the closeness. and i dont have any closeness. and there isn't anyone who can give it to me for whatever reason. i almost feel like i'm standing on the edge of something, i'm ready to leap off and dive into this great, new adventure...only the person who is supposed to catch and go with me never showed up. so i'm stuck, standing, staring out at what i could have, only to have to wait for the impromptu to arrive.
............i hate when people are late.
6.11.07
i love anthropologie. in loooooooove.
online christmas shopping.
it is beautiful. beautiful things, beautiful prices, beautiful everything. i never actually buy anything...but i feel like its ok to go looking when there's a holiday coming up. as if all the things i'm coveting i'll really buy for someone else. yeahhhhh. right. like i want to buy the amazing yellow dinner plates, salad plates, and tea cups and saucers for someone else to enjoy. i just want to light a pumkin candle, settle in with some hot chocolate, and surf the red ribboned, snow sparkling, present laden wave that is the world wide web gone christmas.
i really wish aol would give me cooler mood options. or just let me fill in the blank. "chillin'" sounds so....dumb. but nothing else fit. and "stuffing your face with chocolate, feeling naseuous, and using your laptop as an impromptu heating pad" has apparently been removed.
it is beautiful. beautiful things, beautiful prices, beautiful everything. i never actually buy anything...but i feel like its ok to go looking when there's a holiday coming up. as if all the things i'm coveting i'll really buy for someone else. yeahhhhh. right. like i want to buy the amazing yellow dinner plates, salad plates, and tea cups and saucers for someone else to enjoy. i just want to light a pumkin candle, settle in with some hot chocolate, and surf the red ribboned, snow sparkling, present laden wave that is the world wide web gone christmas.
i really wish aol would give me cooler mood options. or just let me fill in the blank. "chillin'" sounds so....dumb. but nothing else fit. and "stuffing your face with chocolate, feeling naseuous, and using your laptop as an impromptu heating pad" has apparently been removed.
5.11.07
wooooow.
i just realized if you press "ctrl" on the mac and do the scrolly thing ith your two fingers on the pad....it ZOOOOOOOMS the page. wow. i was so entertained. i love when i discover new things by being a clumsy ass. woooo.
it's time for another cinematic adventure...
there are so many good movies out right now. that should have gone on yesterday's list. all the great movies come out now and in june.
i'd like to see:
.american gangster.
.bee movie.
.we own the night.
.across the universe.
.gone baby gone.
.michael clayton.
.martian child.
.why did i get married.
.the gameplan.
.dan in real life.
.a nightmare before christmas.
in other news. movies i would like to see in general. there is a long list that this short excuse will do no justice to, but, it is a start.
.the english patient.
.almost famous.
.interview with a vampire.
.amelie.
.the aviator.
.roman holiday. [i am embarassed to say i have not seen all of her movies]
.my fair lady.
.cinderella man.
.a walk in the clouds.
.armageddon.
.fiddler on the roof.
.ray.
.seabiscuit.
and i cannot think of any others. i just know there are about a zillion more.
.:keep moving forward:.
.meet.the.robinsons.
i'd like to see:
.american gangster.
.bee movie.
.we own the night.
.across the universe.
.gone baby gone.
.michael clayton.
.martian child.
.why did i get married.
.the gameplan.
.dan in real life.
.a nightmare before christmas.
in other news. movies i would like to see in general. there is a long list that this short excuse will do no justice to, but, it is a start.
.the english patient.
.almost famous.
.interview with a vampire.
.amelie.
.the aviator.
.roman holiday. [i am embarassed to say i have not seen all of her movies]
.my fair lady.
.cinderella man.
.a walk in the clouds.
.armageddon.
.fiddler on the roof.
.ray.
.seabiscuit.
and i cannot think of any others. i just know there are about a zillion more.
.:keep moving forward:.
.meet.the.robinsons.
4.11.07
california dreamin...
yes. i have discovered the crooning michael buble. and i must say--i am quickly falling in love. if you added a little jazz and UK, he could be jamie cullm whom i also adore. i've decided i just like this whole crooner genre. its sexy. that how i think of it. sinatra-y sounding, timeless i guess. i want his christmas EP.
i know i act like a scrooge plenty during the holidays, but i wont lie--i always look forward to christmas. i love it. granted i hate the cold weather...it is apporpriate for the season. my favorite holiday things:
.the smell of pumpkin pie.
.our white and gold christmas tree.
.icicle lights.
.hot chocolate mmm.
.wearing real pajamas and not being hot.
.not feeling guilty about spending money.
.spoiling people i love.
.christmas morning breakfast.
.thanksgiving food. all of it.
.family.
.dressing up.
.christmas movies!.
.did i mention food?.
.the fact that everyone is a little happier.
.christmas dinner.
.christmas music i've heard 800 times and wish i could throw out the window.
i'm ready to get the last few weeks of school over with so i can enjoy myself. this will be the first new year in a very long time i won't be praying for a fresh start. i mighr actually be able to make it enjoyable, and that's a nice feeling. i don't have anything holding me back any longer. so bring it on.
"its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life, its a new life for me and i'm feelin good."
------>m.buble.:.feelin.good
i know i act like a scrooge plenty during the holidays, but i wont lie--i always look forward to christmas. i love it. granted i hate the cold weather...it is apporpriate for the season. my favorite holiday things:
.the smell of pumpkin pie.
.our white and gold christmas tree.
.icicle lights.
.hot chocolate mmm.
.wearing real pajamas and not being hot.
.not feeling guilty about spending money.
.spoiling people i love.
.christmas morning breakfast.
.thanksgiving food. all of it.
.family.
.dressing up.
.christmas movies!.
.did i mention food?.
.the fact that everyone is a little happier.
.christmas dinner.
.christmas music i've heard 800 times and wish i could throw out the window.
i'm ready to get the last few weeks of school over with so i can enjoy myself. this will be the first new year in a very long time i won't be praying for a fresh start. i mighr actually be able to make it enjoyable, and that's a nice feeling. i don't have anything holding me back any longer. so bring it on.
"its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life, its a new life for me and i'm feelin good."
------>m.buble.:.feelin.good
2.11.07
i'm telling you--go for the fancy blue socks. you'll be a knockout.
the past few days have been abounding in happy surprises. it almost makes up for the sadder parts of the week, but it lurks like an undercurrent.
frying chicken DOES make the house stink. i have now learned from personal experience. but it was pretty fantastic as well..so i can't complain too much. macaroni was delish as well. it's true--i have become quite the domestic goddess these past few months. i'm turning into my momma, and i'm pretty alright with that--actually dang proud. i think shes a pretty cool chick.
i'm thinking i'm going to paint my nails orange. its time to take care of my hands again...between the colder weather, paint, and graphite powder....my hands are more than a little cracked and icky. and sore. not good.
i've nothing more to say, it has, as per usual, slipped my mind.
frying chicken DOES make the house stink. i have now learned from personal experience. but it was pretty fantastic as well..so i can't complain too much. macaroni was delish as well. it's true--i have become quite the domestic goddess these past few months. i'm turning into my momma, and i'm pretty alright with that--actually dang proud. i think shes a pretty cool chick.
i'm thinking i'm going to paint my nails orange. its time to take care of my hands again...between the colder weather, paint, and graphite powder....my hands are more than a little cracked and icky. and sore. not good.
i've nothing more to say, it has, as per usual, slipped my mind.
31.10.07
the flying spaghetti monster. riiiiiiighhht.
THE 8 "I'D REALLY RATHER YOU DIDN'TS" OF "PASTAFARIANISM:
1. I'd really rather you didn't Act Like sanctimonious. holier-than-thou asses when describing my noodley goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's ok. Really, I'm not that Vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.
2. I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, evicerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices and purifty is for drinking water, not people.
3. I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, dress, talk, or well, just play nice, ok? Oh, and get this in your thick heads: woman = person, man = person. samey-samey. one is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and i'm sorry, but i gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuschia.
4. I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal AND mental maturity. as for anyone who might object, i think the expression is go F yourself, unless they find that offensive, in which case they can turn off the tv or once and go for a walk for a change.
5. I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigtoed, misogynist, hateful ideas of other on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the B****.
6. I'd really rather you didn't build multimillion dollar churches,/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodley goodness when the money could be better spent [take your pick:]
-ending poverty
-curing diseases
-living in peace, loving with passion, ad lowering the cost of cable.
---i might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being but i enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.
7. I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people i talk to you. Yo're not that interesting. get over yourself. and i told you to love your fellow man. cant you take a hint?
8. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are um, into THAT sort of stuff. [i.e. gross sexual stuff i censored out.]
RAmen.
--------------> and all i have to say is that i think its really flippin stupid and ridiculous to give a persuasive speech on why people should join pastafarianism as if it were this hysterical funny thing. equating it to a religion and equating some made up noodle thing to Christ. it really pissed me off. i dont know. i thought it was dumb and i pretty much wanted to slap the person who gave it. grow up...you arent cute or funny...just pretty obnoxious. the end.
1. I'd really rather you didn't Act Like sanctimonious. holier-than-thou asses when describing my noodley goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's ok. Really, I'm not that Vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.
2. I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, evicerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices and purifty is for drinking water, not people.
3. I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, dress, talk, or well, just play nice, ok? Oh, and get this in your thick heads: woman = person, man = person. samey-samey. one is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and i'm sorry, but i gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuschia.
4. I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal AND mental maturity. as for anyone who might object, i think the expression is go F yourself, unless they find that offensive, in which case they can turn off the tv or once and go for a walk for a change.
5. I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigtoed, misogynist, hateful ideas of other on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the B****.
6. I'd really rather you didn't build multimillion dollar churches,/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodley goodness when the money could be better spent [take your pick:]
-ending poverty
-curing diseases
-living in peace, loving with passion, ad lowering the cost of cable.
---i might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being but i enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.
7. I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people i talk to you. Yo're not that interesting. get over yourself. and i told you to love your fellow man. cant you take a hint?
8. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are um, into THAT sort of stuff. [i.e. gross sexual stuff i censored out.]
RAmen.
--------------> and all i have to say is that i think its really flippin stupid and ridiculous to give a persuasive speech on why people should join pastafarianism as if it were this hysterical funny thing. equating it to a religion and equating some made up noodle thing to Christ. it really pissed me off. i dont know. i thought it was dumb and i pretty much wanted to slap the person who gave it. grow up...you arent cute or funny...just pretty obnoxious. the end.
ice pops, pumpkin guts, and pizza. if only that was enough.
so according to moviefone...the top 5 scariest movies are...
5. Texas Chainsaw Massacre [original]
4. The Shining
3. Psycho [original]
2. The Exorcist
1. Halloween [original]
i saw halloween...it was scary...but i definitely wouldn't have put it as number 1. the remake of TCM was scary as hell...i wouldnt be able to watch the original...i realy only saw like the first 4 minutes of the crappy remake. i'll probably see the shining tonight, psycho would prevent me from showering so i havent seen it, andi want to see the exorcist because it just doesnt seem so scary to me...maybe its just because its old and outdated.
anyway, i found it interesting.
there was more to say, but it has since escaped me.
5. Texas Chainsaw Massacre [original]
4. The Shining
3. Psycho [original]
2. The Exorcist
1. Halloween [original]
i saw halloween...it was scary...but i definitely wouldn't have put it as number 1. the remake of TCM was scary as hell...i wouldnt be able to watch the original...i realy only saw like the first 4 minutes of the crappy remake. i'll probably see the shining tonight, psycho would prevent me from showering so i havent seen it, andi want to see the exorcist because it just doesnt seem so scary to me...maybe its just because its old and outdated.
anyway, i found it interesting.
there was more to say, but it has since escaped me.
i should probably call the doctor at some point...
i. am. an. asshole.
i feel like a terrible person, insensitive and inhumane. rereading that made me sick. i was so frusterated it all just sort of spilled out and it looked and sounded heartless and terrible and it was. i guess i figured no one reads this so no one would see...thats how i think of this now. its just a place for me again--no one reads it so i finally feel like i can say what i want and not censor it to sheild myself or sheild people from what i want to say. but it isnt i suppose.
i am unhappy, and i am [80% of the time] thinking things wont really change...but part of me doesnt want them to. i want to try to work things out. i want things to get better, but i just dont know if they can, and that all hangs over my head. it doesnt really have anyting to do with you. i just dont know if i feel it anymore, and it makes me so sad. and i know if this ends its over. we wont talk and wont see each other and we cant have a relationship and that kills me. i've spent almost a year seeing you and at least talking to you everyday. you're my best friend, and i dont want you to leave my life. i also knw thats a pretty selfish thing to ask of someone. but i dont care. i'll be selfish. whatever. i dont even know why things started changing or why i feel differently, i dont know what happened but something did and i try to ignore it but sometimes it just slaps me in the face.
i want to try to fix things but i'm just scared that something got lost that i cant get back. i dont want us to seperate and go our different directions. i dont want to feel like i can't call you when i want or need to or i cant go places because you'll be there. i dont want the awkwardness. and mostly i dont want ot hurt you. but i already have and that hurts me most. i never said anything and i put things off and bury things inside me so i wouldnt have to deal with the inevitable. i dont know what to do or what to say, i cant physically say much at all...but i feel miserable. and i wish this never happened.
i feel like a terrible person, insensitive and inhumane. rereading that made me sick. i was so frusterated it all just sort of spilled out and it looked and sounded heartless and terrible and it was. i guess i figured no one reads this so no one would see...thats how i think of this now. its just a place for me again--no one reads it so i finally feel like i can say what i want and not censor it to sheild myself or sheild people from what i want to say. but it isnt i suppose.
i am unhappy, and i am [80% of the time] thinking things wont really change...but part of me doesnt want them to. i want to try to work things out. i want things to get better, but i just dont know if they can, and that all hangs over my head. it doesnt really have anyting to do with you. i just dont know if i feel it anymore, and it makes me so sad. and i know if this ends its over. we wont talk and wont see each other and we cant have a relationship and that kills me. i've spent almost a year seeing you and at least talking to you everyday. you're my best friend, and i dont want you to leave my life. i also knw thats a pretty selfish thing to ask of someone. but i dont care. i'll be selfish. whatever. i dont even know why things started changing or why i feel differently, i dont know what happened but something did and i try to ignore it but sometimes it just slaps me in the face.
i want to try to fix things but i'm just scared that something got lost that i cant get back. i dont want us to seperate and go our different directions. i dont want to feel like i can't call you when i want or need to or i cant go places because you'll be there. i dont want the awkwardness. and mostly i dont want ot hurt you. but i already have and that hurts me most. i never said anything and i put things off and bury things inside me so i wouldnt have to deal with the inevitable. i dont know what to do or what to say, i cant physically say much at all...but i feel miserable. and i wish this never happened.
1.8.07
no code no go, no code no GOOOoooooOOO
yay for sleepover with my babylove. ha for the first time in years it
seems like. i want to learn to dance like a pro. and i want to start
singing at church again because it is the one thing i miss most.
28.7.07
this makes me feel better.
i finally know i'm ok.
I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
Time, time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
Starts with goodbye,
The only way you try to find,
Moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
Time, time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
Starts with goodbye,
The only way you try to find,
Moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
25.7.07
harry potter is awesome. yep, i said it. AWESOME.
i love jk rowling. she's a superstar.oh man.
i dont know what i wanted to say...i get here and want to let things out and then i freeze up and nothing comes out. i feel like i have something to communicate and then nothing.
i feel like i'm finally ready. and it's been a long time since i was anywhere near this close to being ready. i may not be there, but its coming. i dont need him anymore. i dont lose all the air in my lungs, cry, feel overwhelmed, physically need him anymore. i miss him on bad days. somewhere deep inside i miss him on good days too, and i'm learning that thats ok, and as long as i keep looking forward, i wont need to hold on to him anymore. its ok to let go and follow the new path my heart has found. i may not be there yet, but i'm getting close to something beautiful, and its brand new.
i dont know what i wanted to say...i get here and want to let things out and then i freeze up and nothing comes out. i feel like i have something to communicate and then nothing.
i feel like i'm finally ready. and it's been a long time since i was anywhere near this close to being ready. i may not be there, but its coming. i dont need him anymore. i dont lose all the air in my lungs, cry, feel overwhelmed, physically need him anymore. i miss him on bad days. somewhere deep inside i miss him on good days too, and i'm learning that thats ok, and as long as i keep looking forward, i wont need to hold on to him anymore. its ok to let go and follow the new path my heart has found. i may not be there yet, but i'm getting close to something beautiful, and its brand new.
5.7.07
the f-up
sometimes i feel like a complete bitch. i hear the stuff i say...and it isnt even necesarily awful stuff...but i hear how i talk to people, and i just want to hit myself. i dont mean to be so bossy, i dont mean to be such a perfectionist, i dont mean to micro-manage. ugh. if i were someone else meeting me, i'd probably hate me. nice.
i never meant what i told you to hurt you the way it apparently did. you needed to know that your actions and words are more powerful than you seem to realize, you cant live forever thinking the way you treated me was ok, but i never meant to make you feel so hurt. i dont remember my wording, i dont remember exactly what i said, but i do know imy intention was not to hurt. i may not have executed it well, but i'm sorry. i want you to be happy and i want you to find someone who will make you happy and i think one day you will....but you have to let people love you. and you have to stop being so insecure. you have to find the person who appreciates YOU, not the person who uses you as a convenience. you are better and deserve better than that and if i ever made you think otherwise i'm sorry. i try so hard to get along with you...i hate thinking we'll never be close. that sucks. but sometimes i dont think we ever could be.
ugh. i feel like i f-up everything i do. ^ that. the last relationship i was in. this relationship. i swear i'm like a virus. and its all different. im too outspoken, i'm too hot tempered, i'm too insecure, i'm too afraid...i dont feel like i can function sometimes. i wish there was an emotion vacuum..or a sponge. i could sop up all my extra emotion, crazyness, worry...pick your poison, i just want to get rid of it. its coming out my ears. i'm insecure from being dumped by the first person i loved and so i need constant reassurance; i need to be told how great i am because i still feel kind of like i'm worthless. [i'm not saying these are logical or plausible feelings, they just are what they are and its how it is.] i'm afraid you dont care about me as much as i care about you so i get even more insecure. and then when i realize how much i might just care about you i start being irrational and obsessing over stupid things that dont matter so i can push you away because i'm afraid of liking someone so much again, but as i push you pull me back and i push harder and....jesus. its this horrible cycle. i want to feel confident in myself, i want to know that you care about me not only by your actions but by your words. being insecure is not the only reason people need to be told their value, telling someone why you treasure them is something you should do with everyone you know, especially in a situation like this. i want to be with you and know we're on the same page, and i want to love you knowing thats ok and that its possible to be over him. i want to know for myself, in my heart, that i moved on and i made it through all the crap i was feeling and i'm on the other side and i'm ok, i didnt die, i thought i might but i didnt, and i realize that even though part of me will always love him, the rest of me is happy to be with someone i know genuinely loves me too.
i also want to stop being an insomniac. i hate this.
i never meant what i told you to hurt you the way it apparently did. you needed to know that your actions and words are more powerful than you seem to realize, you cant live forever thinking the way you treated me was ok, but i never meant to make you feel so hurt. i dont remember my wording, i dont remember exactly what i said, but i do know imy intention was not to hurt. i may not have executed it well, but i'm sorry. i want you to be happy and i want you to find someone who will make you happy and i think one day you will....but you have to let people love you. and you have to stop being so insecure. you have to find the person who appreciates YOU, not the person who uses you as a convenience. you are better and deserve better than that and if i ever made you think otherwise i'm sorry. i try so hard to get along with you...i hate thinking we'll never be close. that sucks. but sometimes i dont think we ever could be.
ugh. i feel like i f-up everything i do. ^ that. the last relationship i was in. this relationship. i swear i'm like a virus. and its all different. im too outspoken, i'm too hot tempered, i'm too insecure, i'm too afraid...i dont feel like i can function sometimes. i wish there was an emotion vacuum..or a sponge. i could sop up all my extra emotion, crazyness, worry...pick your poison, i just want to get rid of it. its coming out my ears. i'm insecure from being dumped by the first person i loved and so i need constant reassurance; i need to be told how great i am because i still feel kind of like i'm worthless. [i'm not saying these are logical or plausible feelings, they just are what they are and its how it is.] i'm afraid you dont care about me as much as i care about you so i get even more insecure. and then when i realize how much i might just care about you i start being irrational and obsessing over stupid things that dont matter so i can push you away because i'm afraid of liking someone so much again, but as i push you pull me back and i push harder and....jesus. its this horrible cycle. i want to feel confident in myself, i want to know that you care about me not only by your actions but by your words. being insecure is not the only reason people need to be told their value, telling someone why you treasure them is something you should do with everyone you know, especially in a situation like this. i want to be with you and know we're on the same page, and i want to love you knowing thats ok and that its possible to be over him. i want to know for myself, in my heart, that i moved on and i made it through all the crap i was feeling and i'm on the other side and i'm ok, i didnt die, i thought i might but i didnt, and i realize that even though part of me will always love him, the rest of me is happy to be with someone i know genuinely loves me too.
i also want to stop being an insomniac. i hate this.
16.6.07
"what do you wanna marry me for anyhow?" "so i can kiss you anytime i want."
i'm way a crackhead when it comes to wedding shows. i cant get enough. is that weird? probably not, only because what girl doesnt love a good wedding?
14.5.07
is it really only me?
the sequence of events is almost lost to me. i was going to write my paper and then i'm sitting in the bathroom blowing my nose. i feel like an awful person sometimes...i feel so guilty. so guilty. i have dreamt of you every single night for months, i think about you every day, i miss you all the time. i cant picture myself with anyone else.
i'm happy, but not as happy as i want to be. i wish i could say more...but i cant here. and that annoys me.
[you can spend your whole life building something from nothing
one storm can come and blow it all away
build it anyway
you can chase a dream that seems so out of reach
and you know it might not ever come your way
dream it anyway
god is great but sometimes life aint good
and when i pray it doesnt always turn out like i should
but i do i anyway, yeah i do it anyway
this world's gone crazy
and its hard to believe
that tomorrow will be better than today
believe it anyway
you can love someone with all your heart
for all the right reasons
and in a moment they can .:choose to walk away:.
love them anyway
god is great
but sometimes life aint good
and when i pray it doesnt always turn out like i think it should
but i do it anyway, yeah i do it anyway
you can pour your soul out singing
a song you believe in
that tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
sing it anyway
yeah sing it anyway
i sing
i dream
i love anyway]
--------------->anyway, martina.
i'm happy, but not as happy as i want to be. i wish i could say more...but i cant here. and that annoys me.
[you can spend your whole life building something from nothing
one storm can come and blow it all away
build it anyway
you can chase a dream that seems so out of reach
and you know it might not ever come your way
dream it anyway
god is great but sometimes life aint good
and when i pray it doesnt always turn out like i should
but i do i anyway, yeah i do it anyway
this world's gone crazy
and its hard to believe
that tomorrow will be better than today
believe it anyway
you can love someone with all your heart
for all the right reasons
and in a moment they can .:choose to walk away:.
love them anyway
god is great
but sometimes life aint good
and when i pray it doesnt always turn out like i think it should
but i do it anyway, yeah i do it anyway
you can pour your soul out singing
a song you believe in
that tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
sing it anyway
yeah sing it anyway
i sing
i dream
i love anyway]
--------------->anyway, martina.
22.4.07
i know you wont drop me.
i love red poppies. there is an artist in savannah named vicki someone...and she is famous for painting beautiful vibrant poppies. i would love to own one of her paintings one day.
7.4.07
i was bored last night. sue me.
a few things about me. incase i wasn't fascinating enough. [or maybe this will make me marginally interesting. who knows.]
i love the best i can. i love art. i love to change my hair. i love dresses and flip flops. i love divinity [and anyone who knows what it is.] i love to lose myself in a book. i love movies. if i cant make a career out of art i would love to bake wedding cakes. i love the sand and ocean; i never want to leave there. i love that the right music can do just about anything. i love to be alone; i love to be with the people i love. i love that i my future is a surprise. i love bright finger and toe polish. i love big rings and jewlery [gold.] i love chocolate chip and oatmeal cookies [not i love chocolate chip cookies and oatmeal, i love chocolate chip cookies with oatmeal], macaroni and cheese, and mashed potatoes and gravy [that is comfort on a spoon.] i love making discoveries of any sort. when i love, really love, i love big and boldly and that is something i might love about myself one day, but for now it has just created problems. i love prints and patterns and color. i love to study people. i love the buttery feeling of oils on my palette; the spread of color across my canvas, the smears of paint on my face and in my hair. i love that i can do anything. i love the fact that girls tend to turn into exactly the person they hate, reasons being valid or not, because i love irony. i would rather eat a cupcake than a slice of cake, because you do know a cupcake is just a smaller version of cake, they use the same mix and everything, even the same icing; cupcakes are just the runts of the cake family. i would love to do a series of paintings on sunsets because i find them absolutely captivating. i would always rather eat a bagel over a donut. always. i will buy sugar cubes when i have my own kitchen, granulated will be used only in recipes. i hope my home is a place that is warm, vibrant, mismatched, lived in, and colorfully patterned. i love that you think i look beautiful in my glasses. i will always love to be different; i will always strive to stand out. i hope to aquire an eye for photography, and to become seasoned at it. i hope to exhibit my paintings in a gallery not owned by SCAD. i hope to never get caught up in a job that wont make me happy, no matter what the pay. i hope to find the man i will marry and remember everyday how lucky i have been to find him and to never take that for granted. if i have babies, my girls will be named lillian audrey and bella. i secretly hope for boys. i hope to be remembered when i die.
i hope that i have made an impact on someone's life; i hope my life has meant something to someone, that i was able to help someone who needed me. that is my greatest wish.
i love the best i can. i love art. i love to change my hair. i love dresses and flip flops. i love divinity [and anyone who knows what it is.] i love to lose myself in a book. i love movies. if i cant make a career out of art i would love to bake wedding cakes. i love the sand and ocean; i never want to leave there. i love that the right music can do just about anything. i love to be alone; i love to be with the people i love. i love that i my future is a surprise. i love bright finger and toe polish. i love big rings and jewlery [gold.] i love chocolate chip and oatmeal cookies [not i love chocolate chip cookies and oatmeal, i love chocolate chip cookies with oatmeal], macaroni and cheese, and mashed potatoes and gravy [that is comfort on a spoon.] i love making discoveries of any sort. when i love, really love, i love big and boldly and that is something i might love about myself one day, but for now it has just created problems. i love prints and patterns and color. i love to study people. i love the buttery feeling of oils on my palette; the spread of color across my canvas, the smears of paint on my face and in my hair. i love that i can do anything. i love the fact that girls tend to turn into exactly the person they hate, reasons being valid or not, because i love irony. i would rather eat a cupcake than a slice of cake, because you do know a cupcake is just a smaller version of cake, they use the same mix and everything, even the same icing; cupcakes are just the runts of the cake family. i would love to do a series of paintings on sunsets because i find them absolutely captivating. i would always rather eat a bagel over a donut. always. i will buy sugar cubes when i have my own kitchen, granulated will be used only in recipes. i hope my home is a place that is warm, vibrant, mismatched, lived in, and colorfully patterned. i love that you think i look beautiful in my glasses. i will always love to be different; i will always strive to stand out. i hope to aquire an eye for photography, and to become seasoned at it. i hope to exhibit my paintings in a gallery not owned by SCAD. i hope to never get caught up in a job that wont make me happy, no matter what the pay. i hope to find the man i will marry and remember everyday how lucky i have been to find him and to never take that for granted. if i have babies, my girls will be named lillian audrey and bella. i secretly hope for boys. i hope to be remembered when i die.
i hope that i have made an impact on someone's life; i hope my life has meant something to someone, that i was able to help someone who needed me. that is my greatest wish.
6.4.07
art history blows.
T N A L A T D A S S, J K T A T L T W H, A I M Y, A N K I B M.
i cant say what i want. but its there. and it's out. and thats enough for me.
sometimes i wish i could move to an island and never come back.
i cant say what i want. but its there. and it's out. and thats enough for me.
sometimes i wish i could move to an island and never come back.
5.4.07
when your face is salty wet, and your drowning in regret just dont forget love heals.
sometimes i worry that i'll never truly be free of you. and sometimes i wonder if i really want to be.
sometimes i dont know what the hell to think.
sometimes i dont know what the hell to think.
26.3.07
welcome back
for future reference, taking a tumble off a 6 ft high bunkbed onto the hard tile floor is not a good plan.
especially when there is no one in the room to help you.
just dont do it.
especially when there is no one in the room to help you.
just dont do it.
11.3.07
why they chose to have finals the day after day light savings one will never know.
ughhhhh. just the thought of how much i have to do makes me want to cry. the amount of information i know i have to stuff inside my brain is exponential; i honestly dont know if i'll ever get it all memorized. i hate art history. passionately. hate it.
plus two more projects before i'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
thats a mood killer. oh well. hopefully i'll live.
did i mention i hate art history?
.:let me know when your whole life comes apart; that means it's time for a promotion:.
--------------->devil wears prada.
plus two more projects before i'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
thats a mood killer. oh well. hopefully i'll live.
did i mention i hate art history?
.:let me know when your whole life comes apart; that means it's time for a promotion:.
--------------->devil wears prada.
28.2.07
drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you .:bubble wrap:.
when you've no idea what you're like
so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
---------------------> let go.:.frou frou
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you .:bubble wrap:.
when you've no idea what you're like
so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
---------------------> let go.:.frou frou
26.2.07
be fearless.
^ that was on a dove wrapper i found yesterday. i should try to be more like that. i'm not fearless....pretty afraid usually. but i dont want to be.
i've realized you're never going to change. you're immature, thats ok, you dont exactly know better. you hate me. whatever. thats ok too i guess, i dont love it but i can live with it. you bitch about me when i'm not there, and actually, probably when i AM there as well. awesome. it really hurts my feelings and probably always will, since i didnt really do anything to deserve it but, i'm sick of giving a shit about what you say and think. i've tried everything in the world to make things right and nothing has proven successful. thats ok too. but i'm not going to let you control my happiness anymore. so have fun trying to make everyone i love and who cares about me hate me, have fun talking about how i ruined your life and how miserable i make you, have fun spreading rumors and trying to get everyone on your side....have fun-------------->because i'm not going anywhere.
i hope one day you find your happiness and realize you never had to be this sad. i never wanted you to end up as sad as i was. it kills me that you have become what i was. you'll be ok in the end i think, maybe you'll see the light one day.
i've realized you're never going to change. you're immature, thats ok, you dont exactly know better. you hate me. whatever. thats ok too i guess, i dont love it but i can live with it. you bitch about me when i'm not there, and actually, probably when i AM there as well. awesome. it really hurts my feelings and probably always will, since i didnt really do anything to deserve it but, i'm sick of giving a shit about what you say and think. i've tried everything in the world to make things right and nothing has proven successful. thats ok too. but i'm not going to let you control my happiness anymore. so have fun trying to make everyone i love and who cares about me hate me, have fun talking about how i ruined your life and how miserable i make you, have fun spreading rumors and trying to get everyone on your side....have fun-------------->because i'm not going anywhere.
i hope one day you find your happiness and realize you never had to be this sad. i never wanted you to end up as sad as i was. it kills me that you have become what i was. you'll be ok in the end i think, maybe you'll see the light one day.
7.2.07
ahhhhhh.
today. today was beautiful. it was sunny and lovely and warm enough to wear my dress [which always constitutes perfection] and the music was right. today was a good day. and there were other certain details that made it sparkle just a little more brightly...
i cant wait until my party. i miss everyone. although this cold i could do without.
.: Why is it not my time?
What is there more to learn?
Shed this skin I've been tripping in
Never to quite return
Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines
And it might be over in a second's time
But I'll gladly go down in a flame
If the flame's what it takes to remember my name
Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body now:.
------------>bigger than my body, mayer
i cant wait until my party. i miss everyone. although this cold i could do without.
.: Why is it not my time?
What is there more to learn?
Shed this skin I've been tripping in
Never to quite return
Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines
And it might be over in a second's time
But I'll gladly go down in a flame
If the flame's what it takes to remember my name
Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body now:.
------------>bigger than my body, mayer
2.2.07
"it's never been so perfect being alive, i've never been so satisfied..."
It's never been more perfect being alive
I've never been so satisfied. Oh...
I could feel something different for the first time
Heaven made sense and all the words rhymed.
No chance of stopping now. I'm taking it all.
And now I'm caught in the air, its a good glide.
Pass it up, wouldn't dare what a wild ride.
I remember being ready and waiting to fall
just like I did tonight.
Spinning around and around
Until my left was my right and up became down.
With just one look you knocked me off of my feet.
So unable to speak. Oh how you made me weak.
Though it was a while ago, I still can recall.
That moment so ready, and waiting to fall.
Can you take me back in time
remembering when you captured my heart?
Over and over again.
It's never been more perfect being alive
I've never been so satisfied. Oh...
--------------->i heard this song on my drive home last weekend. it was sunny, i was singing loudly, and realized its true. i'm happy. i'm ok. i'm not crying all the time, i'm ok with being on my own again, ok without you, i can make myself happy. and i cried. and i remember winter retreat and how one night anna, who as awlays knew i needed her, and told me things i will never forget, with a fierceness i rarely see. and i knew she meant them, and i knew she was right, and i felt tired, and spent, but slowing filling up with something. and then i heard the song i've heard a million times, just like many similar songs i've heard before and thought, "i wish i felt like that," and i realized i DO. and i cried with joy. i dont feel backed into a corner anymore, i dont feel suffocated, choked, struggling. there are things i want, things i want to be different, but until they happen i know i will be alright, and thats a reassurance i'm not ever sure i had before. i'm afraid of the future and what it brings, but just thinking about what i'll be learning soon, the people i'll meet, the people i know whom i may grow closer with, the people i dont need anymore i can let go of, the relationship i know that will come.....remembering all this makes me excited amidst being fearful. not even fearful, i wouldnt say thats the right word, more.....slightly apprehensive. moving forward definitely, but looking both ways.
its a weird feeling. i know that sounds strange, but i'm not used to be content. the last few years have been full of dark things...things i never want to dwell on again. i like this. i hope that things fall into place.
-------------->i'm alright alone, but i know there's so much more waiting for me...
I've never been so satisfied. Oh...
I could feel something different for the first time
Heaven made sense and all the words rhymed.
No chance of stopping now. I'm taking it all.
And now I'm caught in the air, its a good glide.
Pass it up, wouldn't dare what a wild ride.
I remember being ready and waiting to fall
just like I did tonight.
Spinning around and around
Until my left was my right and up became down.
With just one look you knocked me off of my feet.
So unable to speak. Oh how you made me weak.
Though it was a while ago, I still can recall.
That moment so ready, and waiting to fall.
Can you take me back in time
remembering when you captured my heart?
Over and over again.
It's never been more perfect being alive
I've never been so satisfied. Oh...
--------------->i heard this song on my drive home last weekend. it was sunny, i was singing loudly, and realized its true. i'm happy. i'm ok. i'm not crying all the time, i'm ok with being on my own again, ok without you, i can make myself happy. and i cried. and i remember winter retreat and how one night anna, who as awlays knew i needed her, and told me things i will never forget, with a fierceness i rarely see. and i knew she meant them, and i knew she was right, and i felt tired, and spent, but slowing filling up with something. and then i heard the song i've heard a million times, just like many similar songs i've heard before and thought, "i wish i felt like that," and i realized i DO. and i cried with joy. i dont feel backed into a corner anymore, i dont feel suffocated, choked, struggling. there are things i want, things i want to be different, but until they happen i know i will be alright, and thats a reassurance i'm not ever sure i had before. i'm afraid of the future and what it brings, but just thinking about what i'll be learning soon, the people i'll meet, the people i know whom i may grow closer with, the people i dont need anymore i can let go of, the relationship i know that will come.....remembering all this makes me excited amidst being fearful. not even fearful, i wouldnt say thats the right word, more.....slightly apprehensive. moving forward definitely, but looking both ways.
its a weird feeling. i know that sounds strange, but i'm not used to be content. the last few years have been full of dark things...things i never want to dwell on again. i like this. i hope that things fall into place.
-------------->i'm alright alone, but i know there's so much more waiting for me...
5.1.07
passion and complete apathy dont seem to mix. shock.
holy shit. you really are just completely ridiculous. i wish i knew what was with you, this is not the you i know. you were never an asshole. the sad thing is that i really thought you were a nice person, and you just arent; you're a shriveled up, bitter shell of a thing that is so completely walled off from the rest of the world that you cant even see how easily you shove others out of your space without a second glance.
at least i know now never to waste me time on it again.
the sad thing is the more you push me away, the more i want to push you back, so that maybe i can get inside the wall and understand what made you this way.
at least i know now never to waste me time on it again.
the sad thing is the more you push me away, the more i want to push you back, so that maybe i can get inside the wall and understand what made you this way.
3.1.07
"no matter how hard it gets, this love will have no regrets..."
ok so i love that movie. step up. yeah. looooooove! it. and i love this dress, its beautiful. damn anthropologie for being so expensive. arghh. i love that place, i walk in and feel at home; it's lovely.
i procrastinate ridiculously. i need to pack, wash/vacuum my car, finish that *!@# painting, and get everything in order. the start school, live with two other people in a fish bowl, do homework, spend ridiculous amounts of $$$ on art supplies, and drive home almost every weekend. awesome.
i had things to say. i've forgotten them all in a whirl of shoes, scarves, and jewels.
i procrastinate ridiculously. i need to pack, wash/vacuum my car, finish that *!@# painting, and get everything in order. the start school, live with two other people in a fish bowl, do homework, spend ridiculous amounts of $$$ on art supplies, and drive home almost every weekend. awesome.
i had things to say. i've forgotten them all in a whirl of shoes, scarves, and jewels.
1.1.07
resolutions are never kept. i will call them pearls, because to follow them would be wise
the less i see you, the easier it is. i'm sorry for any pain, discomfort, or awkwardness i caused you. it was just seeing you so often, talking to you, it got to me. it made me miss what we were so much, and i guess by seeing you i thought maybe i could get a litle of it back. i cant. i know i cant. its hard to see you and not want to hug you, not want to talk to you, not want to feel like you want me too, but the fact that you dont is ok. when i take a step [or a few steps] back and see the situation clearly, i see that right now, no matter how i feel, we could never be happy. it could happen one day, some day in the future we could fall in love and get married and be happy together forever-------->but i'm not holding my breath. when i step back, i see that its ok to love you, and its also ok to let the idea of you go. i was so afriad of being alone that i clung to the memory of you with fierceness. you will always be in my heart, you will always and forever be a memory i will treasure, and you will never be forgotten------------>you showed me who i was and what i was worth, you opened my eyes and held my hand as i learned to love myself and a person who helped me so deeply will never leave my heart, but i think now in this moment, even though i may falter, i may find myself tempted to entertain thoughts of us in my mind once again, here and now away from you i know that i am ok. in this moment, i know that if we aren't together now, we arent supposed to be. and if you were the one, you would be worth the wait. if you aren't, i'll be glad i let myself let you go so i could find the person who could make me truly happy.
pearls:.
*my body is a vessel. it makes all of my dreams feasible. it allows me life, and to create beauty in whichever way i choose. i love to indulge my body in unhealthy ways, which in time will hurt it and make the things i want to do harder for me to accomplish. i want to treat my body with some respect. to keep it healthy, nourish it no just with the things i want, but the things it needs. i want to challenge my muscles, make myself stronger, more adept. and if i'm doing these things to internally improve my body, i want it to appear at its best. no scaly dry skin, no bumps, cuts, stubble, whatever. you can be healthy as you want, but you wont feel good about yourself unless you take care of the appearance of your body as well. feeling beautiful is just as important as being beautiful in every way.
*i need to love myself. i dont need to make myself look beautiful for anyone besides me. i want to feel as lovely as i know i am. God made me a lovely colorful jewel of a thing, and i want to remember this always. i have worth, i am full of value and meaning and mystery and beauty and power. i wont let anyone make me feel as if this is false, because i will always know it to be true. and i am going to find the one person who is meant to be mine.
*along with that, i will have fun. i will enjoy myself. i will not feel bad about myself when i allow myself to do nothing. its ok to do nothing some of the time. i will be with people who make me happy, and avoid ones who do not. this is not as easy as it seems to be. we are drawn to toxic people, people we want so badly to change, to be what they were, or what we know they might be one day, but are not at present. this could be anyone, and there are many people in my life who fit this description, and i want the best for them, but the best for me is to stay away when i hear that voice. i will not waste time dating anyone who walks up to me, i want to filter through them to find him. and i know i will.
*i'm tired of hiding from God. i want to be friends again. i dont see God as this mighty, frightening, 300 foot tall being that is unreachable and impersonal. i think this has a lot to do with my turmoil over being so far away from Him, i see Him as a big, huggable and warm friend; and i would hate to lose that. i want to take steps, small as they may feel, towards the thing that will never leave.
*my time is precious, so i will not spend every second of it worrying, stressing, screaming, and going going going all the time. i want to read my books, listen to my music, and watch my movies lavishly. and snuggle with sophie and macie while i scratch their butts and throw pinecones. i just want to be content. i also want to wear dresses all the time if possible. we'll work on that.
"the heart may freeze, or it can burn, the pain will ease if i can learn. there is no future, there is no past, i live this moment as my last. there's only us, there's only this, forget regret or life is yours to miss. no other road, no other way, no day but today. there's only us, only tonight, we must let go to know whats right, no other course, no other way, i can't control my destiny, i trust my soul, my only goal is just to be. there's only now, there's only here, give in to love or live in fear. no other path, no other way, no day but today. "
--------------> rent:.
pearls:.
*my body is a vessel. it makes all of my dreams feasible. it allows me life, and to create beauty in whichever way i choose. i love to indulge my body in unhealthy ways, which in time will hurt it and make the things i want to do harder for me to accomplish. i want to treat my body with some respect. to keep it healthy, nourish it no just with the things i want, but the things it needs. i want to challenge my muscles, make myself stronger, more adept. and if i'm doing these things to internally improve my body, i want it to appear at its best. no scaly dry skin, no bumps, cuts, stubble, whatever. you can be healthy as you want, but you wont feel good about yourself unless you take care of the appearance of your body as well. feeling beautiful is just as important as being beautiful in every way.
*i need to love myself. i dont need to make myself look beautiful for anyone besides me. i want to feel as lovely as i know i am. God made me a lovely colorful jewel of a thing, and i want to remember this always. i have worth, i am full of value and meaning and mystery and beauty and power. i wont let anyone make me feel as if this is false, because i will always know it to be true. and i am going to find the one person who is meant to be mine.
*along with that, i will have fun. i will enjoy myself. i will not feel bad about myself when i allow myself to do nothing. its ok to do nothing some of the time. i will be with people who make me happy, and avoid ones who do not. this is not as easy as it seems to be. we are drawn to toxic people, people we want so badly to change, to be what they were, or what we know they might be one day, but are not at present. this could be anyone, and there are many people in my life who fit this description, and i want the best for them, but the best for me is to stay away when i hear that voice. i will not waste time dating anyone who walks up to me, i want to filter through them to find him. and i know i will.
*i'm tired of hiding from God. i want to be friends again. i dont see God as this mighty, frightening, 300 foot tall being that is unreachable and impersonal. i think this has a lot to do with my turmoil over being so far away from Him, i see Him as a big, huggable and warm friend; and i would hate to lose that. i want to take steps, small as they may feel, towards the thing that will never leave.
*my time is precious, so i will not spend every second of it worrying, stressing, screaming, and going going going all the time. i want to read my books, listen to my music, and watch my movies lavishly. and snuggle with sophie and macie while i scratch their butts and throw pinecones. i just want to be content. i also want to wear dresses all the time if possible. we'll work on that.
"the heart may freeze, or it can burn, the pain will ease if i can learn. there is no future, there is no past, i live this moment as my last. there's only us, there's only this, forget regret or life is yours to miss. no other road, no other way, no day but today. there's only us, only tonight, we must let go to know whats right, no other course, no other way, i can't control my destiny, i trust my soul, my only goal is just to be. there's only now, there's only here, give in to love or live in fear. no other path, no other way, no day but today. "
--------------> rent:.
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