he's batman, you're superman.

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why does my head still freaking AAAAAACCCCHHHEEEEEEEE. all freaking night. and when i wake up. this day is going to succccckkkk. i dont want to go, i want to freaking skip class for once. not once all quarter. damnit. i dont want to go. i want to sleep forever and never wake up. or at least not until college is over.

i need to stop going to bed so late.

i feel like an elephant is sitting on my brain.

28 dyas til summer. and being in jacksonville alone for 3 whole months.

i watched avatar.

i hate seeing pictures of you. partying. bahhh, i dont want to know what you're doing, because then i have to think about you. i dont want to think about you. i want to get on with my life and not have to see you or talk to you ever. because this hurt a lot more than i thought, and it's easier to ignore it, ignore you, than feel it. i don't want to feel bad.

i want to feel happy with you.

"tell me how i'm supposed to breathe with no air?"

i feel like a total ass. truly, i mean it embarrasses me to think about, much less talk about. i'm an idiot. and i made an enormous mistake. and i blew it. and i guess i deserve it. i cant expect that everything will work out how i want just because i finally sorted my brain out. thats a selfish thought. but in a way it's what i expected. NOT being turned down. and that sucked. a lottttttttttt. no sleep. no fun. i've been thinking about it all freaking day.

i feel like julia roberts in Notting Hill. kind of. i'm not a celebrity, but hey. same concept. and it did not turn out the way the movie ended. soooo. cool.

i'm just so mad at myself at throwing the best thing i could have asked for away like it was disposable. because you arent. and i dont know what my problem is.


"We are all fools in love."

Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, Charlotte

what just happpeneeedddddddd?!?!:l;sodifhjfhfhs;sfhboih

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh,
Be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I'll always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my Baby
I'll look after you
And I'll look after you

------------->the fray

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you
After You
Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhh

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

finding many relevant songs.

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I'm not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident

On the back of a motor bike
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside.
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men
Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides
Like brothers on a hotel bed
Like brothers on a hotel bed
Like brothers on a hotel bed
Like brothers on a hotel bed

not gunna happen to me.

I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me

I don't want to be the one to blame
You like fun and games
Keep playing em
I'm just saying
Think back then
We was like one and the same
On the right track
But I was on the wrong train
Just like that
Now you've got a face to pain
And the devil's got a fresh new place to play
In your brain like a maze you can never escape the rain
Every damn day is the same shade of grey

Hey
I used have a little bit of a plan
Used to
Have a concept of where I stand
But that concept slipped right out of my hands
Now I don't really even know who I am
Yo, what do I have to say!!!
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen with me

Back then, I thought you were just like me
Somebody who could see all the pain I see
But you proved to me unintentionally
That you would self-destruct eventually
Now I'm thinking like the mistake I made doesn't hurt
But it's not gonna work
Cause it's really much worse than I thought
I wished you were something that you were not
And now this guilt is really all that I got

You turned your back
And walked away in shame
All you got is a memory of pain
Nothing makes sense so you stare at the ground
I hear your voice in my head when no one else is around
[What do I have to say]
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen with me

.:I guess this is where we've come to:.


------------------->believe me, fort minor.

your time has expired.

so. the 4 months or less rule is back in effect.

i find it ironic that the one person who breaks it couldnt actually care about me. that makes no sense.

why the HELL did you leave those damn peach rings in my car. thats been bothering me since i looked over and saw them placed ever so carefully in my doorhandle halfway home on friday. oh yeah and by the way, you can man it up and CALL me back. come on. and you hope i'm alright? are you serious? hellooooo. of course i'm not freaking alright. did you miss the last week? yeah. not a good one. miss the part where i said this isnt what i wanted? yeah. but it was this or be a doormat. so i chose this. and i realize i chose it, but that doesnt make me like it. i hate it.

nope. i couldnt make one guy grow up, couldn't make one love me, cant make you happy. i know it isnt my fault, its nothing i did wrong...but i feel like i'm..i dunno. i cant think of the right word for it, but i feel inferior i guess is ok..sometimes. even though i know its stupid. because even though none of those things are my fault, i cant control them, it makes me wonder why it keeps happening.

it just kills me that i was so happy after being kind of sad. and now i'm sad again. we were good. and now we aren't. it was like a teaser. not fun. i dont want to be happy for just a few months. i want forever.





ohhh my poor tummy cannot take more of this. poor, poor tummy.

seriously.

We've got all night just to make it all right
Would you take a walk with me?
I'll give you all I've got just spare me your time
And I promise you won't want to leave
Are you, are you falling for me?
This time, we'll find what we both need

There's an old oak tree
We can swing and sway
Will our guards away (You're so far away)
When I look at you
You're so far away
Oh so far away
Oh if you could you just let go

Would you rest with me just for a while
I'll take you out of harms way
Like these branches that shelter the rain
We could lay here in our own shade
Are you, are you falling for me?
Just watch, the two of us will see

There's an old oak tree
We can swing and sway
Will our guards away (You're so far away)
When I look at you
You're so far away
Oh so far away

There is so much that I could give to you
Just say you want me to
I know these roots could break the ground
And in the meantime our leaves will turn
But rest assured
We'll get through anything
Are you, are you falling for me
Like I'm oh I'm falling for you

There's an old oak tree
We can swing and sway
Will our guards away (You're so far away)
It's just you and me
We could get away
We can get away (You're so far away)
In this lover's play
We are happy here oh in every way
Oh and then we just let go
Just let go
Just let go
Just let go

so freaking tired.

so. freaking. sick. of. it.

i dont really know why i keep getting screwed over. they cant grow up, they can't open up, they can't get out of the funk. AND IT ISNT MY FAULT. but that doesnt seem to matter. i still get hurt everytime and i cant do a damn thing about it, and it's never because i made some horrible mistake. i find injured people, and i dont even know they're broken when i meet or even date them. then POOF! the issues pour out. and i get stuck cleaning up the mess.

you think i don't know where you're coming from? i've been just as low as any person can get and just because i got through it doesnt make what i went through any easier, any less significant, any less real. ok? i knowwwwwwww what it's like and you know what? you have to get through it. and i realize you cant control how you feel. but you have GOT to control the way it makes you act because if you dont, you'll end up a shell, a useless fragile nothing, or you'lll kill yourself. and those both suck. i know its hard. i've been there. i was there for a few years. and it took about half that time to START healing. it took a lot of work, and obviously i'm not cured, but i make it through everyday, and now everyday i can at least feel like it was a day worth living, no matter how stressful it was, because i have people who love me and who help me get through the hard times. and thats the only way you get through.

so if you dont let anyone help, good luck. no, i'm not a magic "cure all your problems" pill. i cant fix you. but i can support you, i can BE THERE when you feel like no one is, i can love you and i can help you see that things can be ok. but i cant do any of that if you wont let me. and i cant fight you and try to make you--it doesnt work and it hurts me to be rejected. and i have my own problems. and i wish there was something i could do to make your world beautiful but there isnt, you have to find that for yourself. and if i could i would put all my focus into because thats how i am, i want to help you and everyone and i wish i could make everyone happy but i cant. and i cannot give all of myself to someone who A. doesnt want me, and B. i cant for the simple reason that i have a life i need to live, and i cant LIVE if i'm not doing anything for myself.

and it really kills me that this happened and i wish things were different but i can only  push you in a new direction so much before i just get tired. because you should be walking together, not pushing each other along.

i would love nothing more than to finally find someone who is capable of loving me and who can allow me to love them. who can allow me inside their heart and let me be the shoulder them them that i need them to be for me when things get rough. and i just don't really know why it's so hard. stupid freaking movies. make everything so damn easy.

f-ing mr. darcy. i wish i didnt have that kind of unrealistic image in my head. i have too many great men, real and fictional, to compare every other man to that no one measures up. and i know the real ones, like my dad, who really exist cant be the only ones. so where the hell are they?

i'm pretty much ready for every day to stop SUCKING.

sometimes i kind of just hate how i am. can i seriously not just be normal for like 5 f-ing minutes and take the heat of critique like everyone else. can i not just freaking man it up and not give a shit if i did something wrong. no. i can't. i have to cry like a freaking idiot and have my professor just think i'm pathetic. it doesnt even matter. i got a D. who gives a shit. i can redo it and turn it back in. but i'm sitting there and being told how awful it is and having him makes JOKES about how bad some parts are and i'm like screw you asshole. and instead of being pissed off or just wanting to punch him i cry like i'm a 3 year old. like i cry about everything. everyday this week. about everything that happens. Stressed? cry about it--that will solve everything. relationship is not going well? maybe you should unleash a few tears...that'll wash all the crap away. feel like nothing you ever do is good enough even though all you do every day is work your ass off for usually a B, but today..BONUS! you get a D. maybe you should cry in front of your professor.

i hate how i am.

avant-garde

i dont want to go to class. i hate class. 

I. HATE. THIS. CLASS.

which makes me wonder if i'm wasting my time when the two courses for interior design i've taken have made me dread waking up. i've never loved school, ever. it isnt like i get thrilled to go to class, but i do enjoy most of them, and at least i dont want to skip every single day. but these just suck. i think they're just so focused on DESIGN, on structure of buildings, on construction and form, and BLAH, and i just dont care. i dont care at all. i just want to decorate. make the room look good. i just feel like this is all so....unnecessary. an entire class devoted to lighting? seriously? i dont yet know if its a 2 or 5 hour one, but if its 5....HA. i am going to jump out a window. i'm sure once i get past the required, YOU HAVE TO KNOW THIS BUT YOU'LL NEVER USE IT AGAIN crap....once i get to the real interior stuff hopefully it will get better. and i'll actually want to go to class. or at least i won't want to sleep in everyday.



i feel like an asshole because when i get so damn angry and people try to console me or make me feel better or god forbid touch me, i want them to go away and slap their hands away. i hate it. i just want to be angry. which isnt healthy i guess but when i'm that frustrated i need to let it out in my own way. and people coddling me like a baby just makes it worse. and its obvious i want them to get the heck away from me and i hurt peoples feelings. then i feel bad. what. the. heeeellllllelelleee.

i'm also pissed this stupid title is always BLUE and it should be yellow.

i'm stressed before i even get up in the morning, i feel it in my sleep. i even dream in stress.