i dont know why i cant keep my eyes off of you

sunday.  cloudy, grey, cold...the perfect rainy afternoon. isnt it amazing how a little rain and haze can make you instantly groggy? i wanted to sleep...alas...i could not, being as it was the middle of the day and my clock does not take kindly to resetting itself more than once per day.

i'm glad the sunshine came out today though.  it was beautiful.

so, i re-arranged all my furniture in my room yesterday so i could set up a corner in which to paint. [by the way, i've had to go back and re-type half this because my dyslexia is getting so bad] but anyways, i moved everything around so theres a nice four foot wide, six foot long hole-in-the-corner to put my table and easel. i'm pleases with it, it will become my refuge. my quiet place. my creative juices will course through my veins, out through my fingertips, and create masterpieces stroke by stroke. it will be lovely.

i love you best friend. you are my angel without wings.

.:'What's a blondie?' 'A brownie without chocolate--an IMPOSTER!':.

--vespers last night

rainy day carry me away

i'm really not looking forward to try outs.  its not so much people watching me--i mean hello i sing in front of people all the time. its the whole them judging you thing. i dunno--its intimidating.  and i really dont want to do it, but i want to sing...and i want a solo.  i'm afraid i wnt get one. that sounds so silly when i think about it, but i mean there's only FOUR. and i dunno--there are a lot of people i'm sure that will be trying out...i dont like competeing with me voice like that...i hate judges.

i was driving down the backroads of San Jose today after school...you know, at miramar where it splits into hendricks? yeah--that back road with all the cute houses that makes you feel like you're in leave it to beaver.  i love it back there, i drive that way almost everyday now to look at my dream house.  two story, yellow, red door...its so cute. i adore it. anyways, it was all drizzly and wet outside and i'm back there with all the cute houses and theres one of those foot-mail men tat just walk.  and he had on his poncho and white hat...it was like a movie. it was so cute...i mean honestly how many walking mail men to we see nowadays? we're all so cuaght up in the hustle-and-bustle that we dont stop to take a walk in the rain. i just found it really refreshing.

i love drizzly wet days...thunderstorms too.  its a powerful feeling--reminds you Who's in control. i feel safe in a storm, i guess thats weird to people who are afraid of them...but its like God made it, he wont let anything happen to you.

.:And you can't fight the tears that ain't commin, or the moment of truth in your lies.  When everything feels like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive. And i dont want the world to see me, cuz i dont think that they'd understand. when everything's made to be broken, i just want you to know who i am:.

leaves of grass

i wish those words you whispered in the privacy of the night had come to pass. i wish for once what i believed would be true hadn't fallen through. i wish for the thousandth time i could love you.

i discovered something today. tonight to be specific. hiding in the corner of the Jacqmein's shelf was a copy of Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman. i am a sucker for a first edition or a worn out, yellowed, smelly book. the crisp pages...the smell of ink long since fresh, the uneven edges which define the authenticity of the words. its beautiful. so i was sitting there after the kids went to bed and i stumbled upon this treasure. i recently have been intriguied by Whitman due to my love of poetry, The Notebook, and reading passages of his in school.  I sat there for over an hour reading.  he is amazing. who could write a poem 30 pages long....its beautiful. he has such an amazingly simplistic yet completely masterful way with words...he takes them, molds them...uses them to his own design. he can take the simplest of words and form something eternal. it is something i wish came to me with great ease. i want a copy of it...nice, old, yellow....worn out, rugged with the passage of time and laced with the scent of past readers, past lovers of words and makers of poetry. i want that.

.:Beautiful dripping fragments, the negligent list of one after
another as I happen to call them to me or think of them,
The real poems, (what we call poems being merely pictures,)
The poems of the privacy of the night, and of men like me,
This poem drooping shy and unseen that I always carry, and that all
men carry:.

Walt Whitman, Spontaneous Me

Ugg...not the boot

dont you just love people who blow everything out of proportion? who just have to be the center of attention nonstop? who cant stand people looking at them but yet cant shut up long enough for people to turn away....what a contradiction in terms. a contradtiction from the person you used to be.

.:just been together so long, that i thought i knew everything about you. but today i saw, did you open up my eyes? cuz i feel like i'm just seeing you for the first time:.

barlow-girl

shine on

anatomy has some of the weirdest words ever.

Example:

1. hematopoiesis: the process of blood cell formation which occurs in the red bone marrow

2. lymph: the fluid coursing through the lymphatic vessels

3. Thrombocytopenia: a condition in which there are not enough platelets in the blood leading to abnormal bleeding

4. hemacytoblast: the stem cell that creates all formed elements in blood

i could do some damage using those words in the commin vernacular.

.:You say exactly how you feel about her. I wonder, could you ever think of me that way?:.

mandy moore

I'd forgotten just how sweet your mercies are, Lord

an original:.

.:What can you say about love? The eternal inquiry, an absolute mystery. Is it an engulfing flame? A drink of beauty? A whirlwind of chaotic moments so incredible you cant even describe the feeling. When do you know the only answer to your burning question could be love? Who can make the distinction between it and utter infatuation? A thin line in your situation; that gaze. Who can tell you the exact moment love arrives...the precise instant of clarity in the fog of life. What turns on the light? his kiss? her smile? a whisper of a thrill, the promise of tonight. When do you know he in return loves you? Is it the care with which he treats you? how one hand always becomes two; the kiss you feel while you dream? Oh the signs, how subtle they can seem! Can you ever hate love, is it possible to not know, understand, be....in love?:.

an original:.

.:take it away all the pain, the hurt renew my spirit in you. all the outside influences seeping in through my very pores shield me from destruction.   to take this heart, wipe it clean help me see a way to be better to live for something more than this I want to get swept away in Your holiness   the words we speak, sing in melodies its all in vain to know You and sing without praising to worship unlovingly--that's not why we praise this name.   fall around me, sweep through me in waves this hand to hold me-- I want to get swept away:.

yellow roses and candy grams

i figured its Valentine's Day, i might as well write in pink. someone surprised me this morning with gorgeous yellow roses...my favorite color. your sweet. 

conversation hearts are my absolute favorite candy in this world. i love them. my mom knows me oh-so-well. : )  awww....i got 3 candy grams today. it was so awesome, i've never ever gotten one before and now i get THREE. i love you Kelly, Tara, and Caroline!

yeah so...i'm getting kind of sick of you. i cant say anything at all without you getting all huffy and its ridiculous. you're so freaking sensitive and insecure it amazes me. you cant just chill. it is possible to laugh and NOT do it in a condescending fashion, i never stopped liking you or being your friend so just stop being such a drama "queen"

an original:.

.:A golden bouquet, forever crystalized; silkened, sparkled, aged in perfection. A sweet wish told through glisteneing eyes--you were my favorite surprise:.

"...you were made to write..."

oh lord. i had SO much fun last night you dont even know.  haha....i think everyone one of my friends think i'm completely insane now. thats ok. :) they all had a sneaking suspicion anyhow....lol.

they all definitely know me really well. better than i know myself. i always get the coolest stuff. jackie--that poem rocked my world.

Kelly: if i were the type of girl that cried, i would have last night.  your present is so amazing and...wow.  i cant believe how long we've been friends...some of those pictures are totally embarassing but thats ok. it was the coolest and sweetest thing anyone's ever made for me. (besides that crazy awesome mirror from t-rex last year) i love you bff.

an original:.

.:My first slow dance under the moonlight, in that embrace things felt so right.  An intimate moment remembered by knowing smiles, we both knew what was happening all the while.  I told you a secret that had never before been true, whispered through peach-scented kisses were the words, "I love you."  I took a leap and you caught me.  You returned my affections never missing a beat. My "smile" is gone, favorite hug lost...but those sweet, peach-scented memories can't ever be lost:.

an original:.

.:All the staring, subtle glances cast my way led me to believe things would be this way one day.  The sheepish grin anticipated by all, revealed itself reluctantly as we took the fall.  Your reassurance envelopes me, I don't want to let this feeling go, just hold me here until the end:.

Livin' in the moment, keepin' my heart open cuz i'm only seventeen

this day was good. woke up to balloons : ) thanks loser.  then greeted by kelly and a lovely locker wrapped in pretty paper and balloons....streamers, tinsel, cupcakes al inside the locker. kelly you rock and i love you. t-rex: your present is beautiful and i love you very much...i'm so glad you're my best friend. my "other half" you know me better than i know myself sometimes. i cant thank you enough for that...

school...what can i say about school? well...i was serenaded by Mr. DeLuca this morning, compliments of patrick. that was awesome. haha....mista D...he loves bling.

kinga is back! yay...that was good. and i FINALLY saw The Notebook tonight! (props to kim for buying it for me) and my mom...ahh this is awesome. she bought me dripping wax and a stamper with a "K" on it. you melt the wax onto an envelope or letter and then stamp it while its still wet to seal it. its so cool and i've wanted one for forever because it makes the simplest piece of paper elegant. its a lovely thing.

i always forget how amazing michael jackson is until i watch his music videos. he really is amazing no matter how you view him personally--the boy has moves.  haha learning his stuff is hard...thats my plan tomorrow before the girls come--learn the thriller dance. haha...i'm SUCH a nerd.

my oil painting is finally dry. i'm going to ask brayn if i can hang it in the youth room sunday.

.:For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness:.

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

why NOT green?

anyone with an answer to my question...please leave a comment.

What does the term "green" mean?

Example: "Shoot gurl....thas so green."

i would be much abliged to know.

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la means i love you

in 28 hours and 29 minutes (as of 7:28 when i wrote this) i will be seventeen. sweet.

i want this cough to go straight to hell. i'm so sick of it. my throat is killing me and i'm sick of heaving....throwing up is the single worst feeling in the world next to crying. they only happen when something bad triggers them...and they hurt.

i'm excited about saturday--its gunna rock!  we're going to have a bangin' time yo. i am SO not black...i dont know why i try. haha. that's so green.

 

.:Here and now, I promise to love faithfully.  Your love is all I need:.

my precision and accuracy are spot on...much to my dismay

so...i cant honestly remember the last birthday i had that i wanst sick. why stop the cycle now? im on such a role. AH!!! it drives me up the FREAKING wall.

the Notebook came out today! yay that was cool--i still need to go buy it though. working on it. 

my painting--the new one--is not turning out well...i dont like the color...its not blending...its ugly. i dont know how to fix it

 

you vs. the world

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

sorry. the world is not out to get you--contrary to popular opinion. no one is trying to "bring you down" i wasnt trying to make you look stupid or bad. nope--believe it or not....its not all about you. your insecurity is your worst enemy and i'm sorry it controls you the way it seems to.  anyone saying what you were yesterday would have gotten the exact same response from me. sorry--thats just how it is. i'm not just going to sit back and not say what i'm thinking to avoid making you feel bad. its not like i was trying to in the first place. so...dont blame your own bad self image on me...i had nothing to do with it. espeically since we arent even aquaintances...i mean how could i make your life so miserable? oh yeah..i forgot, i'm that bitch who's trying to ruin your life. how silly of me to have forgotten my duites. whatever dude.

on a lighter note...life has been quite lovely. everything i care about is going well and i dont have any complaints beyond the obvious.  i've discovered how to make myself happy and what brings me joy, and thats all i focus on.  i think thats the most important thing right now. avoiding what i dont want to be around...so i do. music has introduced itself to me--we're becomming best friends. it seems the perfect song to describe how i feel comes on right when i need to hear it. painting is also awesome--i'm obsessed.  all i could think about saturday night while tyring to sleep was paint...mixing colors, bursh strokes--the smell. it's a beautiful thing.

i have everything i love. the things i dont have are the ones i sometimes want...but i'm starting to realize why i dont have them. it wont make me happy, and seeing that what i once wanted is something i cant have--i'm glad. i know now that it wont make me happy. isnt God's plan beautiful?

a stroke of genius

i just spent the last 12 hours painting. almost twelve anyway.  i woke up at 10:30, sat down in front of my partially begun piece, and finished it about two minutes ago.  it was so relaxing---and awesome.  i love to paint. i loved paint before, and now i love it more than ever.  i was mixing colors and the paint would look like pink frosting, or melted chocolate, or the most beautiful blue oreo filling...it was awesome.  i'm really excited about my painting.  i think i'm going to see if Bryan will let me hang it in the youth room.  i hope people like it.  even if they dont--it was all me and i made it...and thats what really matters.

.:You're my hero Nini.  I love you:.

                 --my mom

you wont get to see the tears i cry

so...i had an interesting day. i was so glad the sunshine came out today! it totally cheered me up--i havent seen the sun since monday : ( so today was awesome.

the kenny skirt is the ultimate weapon of mass sexual chaos. it gives you power exceeding all other things. you just slip it on and your THE sex magnet of the age. guys are so gay.

i decided that since i love art so much i would paint. i love paint...i love the texture of it, the way it smells...haha not THAT way, the beautiful colors--the fact that paint makes goo into something beautful. its just awesome--so i went to michael's and bought myself:

a canvas

12 oil paints

15 brushes

a palette

a book...haha because i have no idea what i'm doing!

 

i'm realy excited about it--i'll be sad if i suck at it.  i think painting will be a good outlet for me. and Allie from the notebook paints...and she is beautiful and what she does is beautiful. plus--i've never tried it before...so we'll see if something magical happens.

.:Here I am once again. I'm torn into pieces. Can't deny it, can't pretend--just thought you were the one. Broken up deep inside, but you wont get to see the tears I've cried:.

here i am baby: signed, sealed, delivered--i'm yours

pedicure today. i think they should ban all foreigners from public service--you cant understand a freakin thing they say to you. not good for buisness. ever.

 

yay my birthday is in ONE WEEK! and the notebook comes out soon too!

total happiness

wow. day thats starts off average ends awesome.  go to get my haircut--mom brings the new hot pink pea coat i've been wiating for in the mail for two months! awesome, along with a pink checked polo...then-get the haircut--cute.  come home to my PROM DRESS!!!!  : ) so  t h r i l l e d  about that one.  now i need shoes, jewlery..you know. maybe a sexy tiara..haha.  no--i'm no princess--talk to kim bout that one.  got a new MAG too. life was good today.  sorry i couldnt talk.

.:That's when I heard the most beautiful voice in the wide world--she was like an angel:.

--Forrest: Forrest Gump