fun fact:
"yihns" apparently means "y'all" in pennsylvania. R I G H T T T. but anyone who says "y'all" is a redneck. at least it clearly is the conjunction of two seperate words. "yihns" is....asian money. yeah. so, no more making fun of kristina for saying y'all. when you can disect "yihns" into real words and tell me how the heck someone came up with it, THEN we'll talk. hahaha....."yihns"......
25.10.06
17.10.06
life is ironic.
all i have to say is....welcome to my mutha ______ life. maybe NOW you'll understand.
.:an original
i close
my eyes
and i see
that what i dreamed was just make believe.
then i squeeze,
and my anger falls
just the way it always does:
down my cheek,
in a warm, damp stream.
i just wanna scream,
i dont want the world to see me this way.
to fall on my knees,
begging god please just take this away.
so i push
the thought
of you
to the back of my mind
just to see a piece
of what you used to be
pass me by...
no matter how hard i try
you always catch me by surprise.
i can feel just fine,
then the sharp disbelief grabs me by the side
and i cant fight the hurt it cuts deep inside.
i just wanna scream,
i dont want the world to see me this way.
to fall on my knees,
begging god please just take this away.
so i lay
down to sleep
hoping please
God, let you be just a memory.
because
i cant fake
my smile anymore
no i cant pretend
i'm ok this time.
i just wanna scream,
i dont want the world to see me this way.
to fall on my knees,
begging god please just take this away.
.:an original
i close
my eyes
and i see
that what i dreamed was just make believe.
then i squeeze,
and my anger falls
just the way it always does:
down my cheek,
in a warm, damp stream.
i just wanna scream,
i dont want the world to see me this way.
to fall on my knees,
begging god please just take this away.
so i push
the thought
of you
to the back of my mind
just to see a piece
of what you used to be
pass me by...
no matter how hard i try
you always catch me by surprise.
i can feel just fine,
then the sharp disbelief grabs me by the side
and i cant fight the hurt it cuts deep inside.
i just wanna scream,
i dont want the world to see me this way.
to fall on my knees,
begging god please just take this away.
so i lay
down to sleep
hoping please
God, let you be just a memory.
because
i cant fake
my smile anymore
no i cant pretend
i'm ok this time.
i just wanna scream,
i dont want the world to see me this way.
to fall on my knees,
begging god please just take this away.
16.10.06
things most recently i have decided make me sick.
-gatorade.
-football in general.
-black basketball sneaks. [white, apparently, are ok.]
-red trucks.
-teal backpacks.
-red tuxes.
-massive quantities of food.
-SoBe.
-basketball/gym shorts.
-t-shirts.
-office buildings.
-pools.
-bearded dragons.
-"retarted" walks, voices, faces, gestures.
-massive keychains.
-yellow roses.
-video games.
-dreams.
-kissy sounds.
-baby talk.
-big butts.
-sweetness.
-nicknames from/reffering to forrest gump's best friend.
-forrest gump in general.
-phantom of the opera.
-the dark.
-mix cds.
-any spicy or oddly flavored chips.
-massive quantities of liquid.
-peanut butter anything.
-letters.
-sheepishness.
-jesse mccartney.
-tenderness.
-naps.
-back-rubs.
-beep-beep phones.
-ice cream cakes.
-drawing.
-singing.
-humor.
-being the person to always help, always sit with the kid who's alone, always do the right thing.
-tickling.
-sad rascal flatts songs.
-tears. even when you pretend not to have them.
-special ringtones.
-firehouse.
-MVP's.
-JTB.
-University Blvd.
-memories.
things that make me remember you. which is pretty much everything i see.
"Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me,testing me
How did they find me here
What do they want from me
All of these vultures hiding
Right outside my door
I hear them whisperin
They're tryin to ride it out
Cause they've never gone this long
Without a kill before
Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me, testing me
Wheels up
I got to leave this evening
Can't seem to shake these vultures
Off of my trail
Power is made, by power being taken
So I keep on running
To protect my situation
Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me"
------------------->john, [vultures]
-football in general.
-black basketball sneaks. [white, apparently, are ok.]
-red trucks.
-teal backpacks.
-red tuxes.
-massive quantities of food.
-SoBe.
-basketball/gym shorts.
-t-shirts.
-office buildings.
-pools.
-bearded dragons.
-"retarted" walks, voices, faces, gestures.
-massive keychains.
-yellow roses.
-video games.
-dreams.
-kissy sounds.
-baby talk.
-big butts.
-sweetness.
-nicknames from/reffering to forrest gump's best friend.
-forrest gump in general.
-phantom of the opera.
-the dark.
-mix cds.
-any spicy or oddly flavored chips.
-massive quantities of liquid.
-peanut butter anything.
-letters.
-sheepishness.
-jesse mccartney.
-tenderness.
-naps.
-back-rubs.
-beep-beep phones.
-ice cream cakes.
-drawing.
-singing.
-humor.
-being the person to always help, always sit with the kid who's alone, always do the right thing.
-tickling.
-sad rascal flatts songs.
-tears. even when you pretend not to have them.
-special ringtones.
-firehouse.
-MVP's.
-JTB.
-University Blvd.
-memories.
things that make me remember you. which is pretty much everything i see.
"Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me,testing me
How did they find me here
What do they want from me
All of these vultures hiding
Right outside my door
I hear them whisperin
They're tryin to ride it out
Cause they've never gone this long
Without a kill before
Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me, testing me
Wheels up
I got to leave this evening
Can't seem to shake these vultures
Off of my trail
Power is made, by power being taken
So I keep on running
To protect my situation
Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me"
------------------->john, [vultures]
15.10.06
i hate this.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
.:john mayer:.
------------->ahhhh. i hate hate hate you sometimes. you walked up to me, hugged me, held me as i cried. you told me you were sorry, that you never should have left. we promised each other to be strong and to tough it out and you hadnt at all, and you wanted to try. i just cried, and hoped. and you told me you missed me so much, and no matter who you saw, you could never feel the same way about anyone the way you felt about me. that you loved me, and you didnt mean what you said when your hurt me. and i didnt know what to say, i didnt know what to do. but it didn't matter what i did, because then i rolled over and realized i was still sleeping....again.
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
.:john mayer:.
------------->ahhhh. i hate hate hate you sometimes. you walked up to me, hugged me, held me as i cried. you told me you were sorry, that you never should have left. we promised each other to be strong and to tough it out and you hadnt at all, and you wanted to try. i just cried, and hoped. and you told me you missed me so much, and no matter who you saw, you could never feel the same way about anyone the way you felt about me. that you loved me, and you didnt mean what you said when your hurt me. and i didnt know what to say, i didnt know what to do. but it didn't matter what i did, because then i rolled over and realized i was still sleeping....again.
13.10.06
i just dont know anymore...
it's getting easier to breathe. i cant explain it. it hurts, and it hurts deeply inside of me, but at the same time, i can focus on something other than that. does that make sense? it hurts but i dont spend all my time feeling sorry for myself and being sad even though its so much easier. i miss him. everyday. every second i miss him with every fiber of my being. but, at the same time, he doesn't define me as he used to. who i am doesnt depend on if he wants me. i am a separate entity. i am a whole other being altogether. i think thats why this time is easier. thats why i can be ok, be normal. not fall so deep inside of myself that i cant find the way out.
i miss it. it isnt like any other feeling in the world. not like anything else. you have all of this love for someone, and suddenly its like that isnt enough anymore. it takes two, and all of a sudden there was one. it cant work, and neither person can be happy, but you want it to stay that way all the same because you'd rather be with someone and settling than be without them and face the fact that you may not be desirable. thats an awful and scary thing. but then all of a sudden i am alone, and i'm alive. i'm not dead. [i do realize i am completely and ridiculously repetitive.]
i guess what i'm trying aimlessly to get out is, i have figured out who i am and what i want, and even though many times i may choose the wrong thing, i try. i miss you because i loved you more than ive loved anyone before and you didnt want me. obviously that hurts, but i wont die. and right now its hard to imagine me finding someone to replace you, or caring that deeply for someone ever again, but i know if we arent meant to be, and i thought you were so amazing, the guy i end up with will be......there arent words. if there is someone out there better than you, i cant imagine what he will be like. but i know whatever happens, i wont settle. i'm going to be happy no matter what, because i want it more than anyone else. i want to work for my happiness, and i need to remember my strength when things get hard.
i need to learn to trust. i dont. i dont trust easily, ad i'm not saying you should just naively believe everyone you meet, but i need to stop thinking so negatively towards others. just being here he short time i have, seeing all the different kinds of people there are and having those personalities around me has made my judgemental side a little calmer. i've become more accepting of people since i got here, because people look freakin weird here--------->no lie. but there are some of the coolest people here too, and you'd never know what you were missing out on if you never gave anyone a chance. LIKE NOW FOR EXAMPLE. i'm out in the courtyard jammin to U2 like any faithful LUMC kid would be, and this guy walks up and tells me how much he likes U2 too. you never know who you'll talk to or meet here. ever. its sweet.
but back to my inner monologue. i have, ad always will, struggle with control. i need it. i need to help, i need to fix, and i need to be able to control what happens. God has shamelessly reminded me over the past two years that i have no control at all. He does. and i cant fix everything no matter how much i want to. but i still try. i still try to fix my problems on my own and i try to take control of my life by not trusting that He can do it so much better. i know He can, and i know i suck at it, but i cant give it up. i cant let Him in, and i cant say, "here, i'm tired, hurt, angry, and alone. fix my problems because i know i cant and i trust you to make my life better." i wish with my whole being that i could say that and truly, sincerely mean it. but i cant. and i dont know how to. and that is what makes me saddest. i dont know how to trust God; i have no idea. what kind of person is like that? i dont understand! and it makes me so angry. this is the source of my low self-esteem. i have this God who loves me and wants th best for me and blah blah blah....but i dont trust Him no matter what happens. i dont do it on purpose, i dont do it because i think i'm better than God, and i dont do it because i want to piss Him off. i just dont know how. but i feel like not being able to trust Him is like telling Him to buzz off or something---------->you know? i guess its my twisted mind, always telling me i dont measure p when it isnt true. Gosh...i wish i could see myself positively all the time. i can look at myself and see beauty, but not always. i should be able to, but i cant. i think i draw well sometimes, sometimes i even sing well. but only sometimes. : / not so cool.
god, i ramble like a maniac. anyone whos still reading is pulling one of those, "i'm still seeing words but not absorbing anything because i lost interest so long ago..."
i miss it. it isnt like any other feeling in the world. not like anything else. you have all of this love for someone, and suddenly its like that isnt enough anymore. it takes two, and all of a sudden there was one. it cant work, and neither person can be happy, but you want it to stay that way all the same because you'd rather be with someone and settling than be without them and face the fact that you may not be desirable. thats an awful and scary thing. but then all of a sudden i am alone, and i'm alive. i'm not dead. [i do realize i am completely and ridiculously repetitive.]
i guess what i'm trying aimlessly to get out is, i have figured out who i am and what i want, and even though many times i may choose the wrong thing, i try. i miss you because i loved you more than ive loved anyone before and you didnt want me. obviously that hurts, but i wont die. and right now its hard to imagine me finding someone to replace you, or caring that deeply for someone ever again, but i know if we arent meant to be, and i thought you were so amazing, the guy i end up with will be......there arent words. if there is someone out there better than you, i cant imagine what he will be like. but i know whatever happens, i wont settle. i'm going to be happy no matter what, because i want it more than anyone else. i want to work for my happiness, and i need to remember my strength when things get hard.
i need to learn to trust. i dont. i dont trust easily, ad i'm not saying you should just naively believe everyone you meet, but i need to stop thinking so negatively towards others. just being here he short time i have, seeing all the different kinds of people there are and having those personalities around me has made my judgemental side a little calmer. i've become more accepting of people since i got here, because people look freakin weird here--------->no lie. but there are some of the coolest people here too, and you'd never know what you were missing out on if you never gave anyone a chance. LIKE NOW FOR EXAMPLE. i'm out in the courtyard jammin to U2 like any faithful LUMC kid would be, and this guy walks up and tells me how much he likes U2 too. you never know who you'll talk to or meet here. ever. its sweet.
but back to my inner monologue. i have, ad always will, struggle with control. i need it. i need to help, i need to fix, and i need to be able to control what happens. God has shamelessly reminded me over the past two years that i have no control at all. He does. and i cant fix everything no matter how much i want to. but i still try. i still try to fix my problems on my own and i try to take control of my life by not trusting that He can do it so much better. i know He can, and i know i suck at it, but i cant give it up. i cant let Him in, and i cant say, "here, i'm tired, hurt, angry, and alone. fix my problems because i know i cant and i trust you to make my life better." i wish with my whole being that i could say that and truly, sincerely mean it. but i cant. and i dont know how to. and that is what makes me saddest. i dont know how to trust God; i have no idea. what kind of person is like that? i dont understand! and it makes me so angry. this is the source of my low self-esteem. i have this God who loves me and wants th best for me and blah blah blah....but i dont trust Him no matter what happens. i dont do it on purpose, i dont do it because i think i'm better than God, and i dont do it because i want to piss Him off. i just dont know how. but i feel like not being able to trust Him is like telling Him to buzz off or something---------->you know? i guess its my twisted mind, always telling me i dont measure p when it isnt true. Gosh...i wish i could see myself positively all the time. i can look at myself and see beauty, but not always. i should be able to, but i cant. i think i draw well sometimes, sometimes i even sing well. but only sometimes. : / not so cool.
god, i ramble like a maniac. anyone whos still reading is pulling one of those, "i'm still seeing words but not absorbing anything because i lost interest so long ago..."
9.10.06
the sounds of my life
soundtracks. there are always soundtracks in movies. they're a given, almost essential in building up drama, adding suspense, creating romance. we all have them too, they just play a little quieter in our minds.
lie in our graves: dave matthews.
-i love it because of the enormous instrumental solo in the middle. piano, drum, violin, it is fabulous. the piano is my favorite. it makes me happy, calms me down, soothes my soul. i never get tired of it. it makes me want to go on, so i can listen to it one more time.
music of the heart:nsync and gloria estefan.
-the words. letting someone know how they touched you. how they changed your life forever, and how they probably never even knew it happened. thats amazing to me. never forget to tell people how they've shaped you, it will shape them too.
jane be jane: ben folds.
-it's ok to be exactly who you are, dont try to change yourself for someone else, because if they dont love 'you' than they arent worth having around.
love song for no one: john mayer.
-because i sympathize. i want to not just be in love, i want ot be loved. i want to find whoever i'm meant to be with because i know how happy they will make me.
dreaming with a broken heart: john mayer.
-because i sympathize. waking up from a dream and realizing its not true is heart wrenching, and its happened to me for months at a time. and it was never true. and then when it was true it was gone in a flash. it is the most miserable feeling ever to wake up filled with hope that yes, today is the day i've waited for, only to realize you made it all up in your head. you cant let go.
more than a feeling: boston.
-it just makes you feel good.
pride in the name of love: U2
-hope. it gives me hope. and i love to sing it with bryan and david. :)
i need you: leann rimes.
-because we all need someone to believe in, and we need to be able to admit it. this reminds me that i do need something no matter how much i pretend i can stand alone. no one can and i need to remember that.
hit me with your best shot: pat benetar.
-to remind myself no matter how easy it is to feel sorry for myself, i am a tough broad. i can handle myself and i can make myself ok again, no matter how many times some jerk or many jerks hurt me. besides, i always have natalie to fall back on if i forget.
crawling in the dark: hoobastank.
-because i dont understand God at all most times. usually ever. and maybe i'm just not supposed to, but i have a hard time accepting Him and He comes. i don't like being in the dark and i feel i am most of the time. i wish i could understand why things happen the way they do.
there are more, but at the moment thats what i have. its something to think about.
.:"...and he'll kiss your face in the moonlight as you sit in front of your enormous lake, because who doesnt have an enormous lake in their front yard? yes, will we have our mr darcy, ad we wont have to wish we had someone like that. he'll be ours.":.
lie in our graves: dave matthews.
-i love it because of the enormous instrumental solo in the middle. piano, drum, violin, it is fabulous. the piano is my favorite. it makes me happy, calms me down, soothes my soul. i never get tired of it. it makes me want to go on, so i can listen to it one more time.
music of the heart:nsync and gloria estefan.
-the words. letting someone know how they touched you. how they changed your life forever, and how they probably never even knew it happened. thats amazing to me. never forget to tell people how they've shaped you, it will shape them too.
jane be jane: ben folds.
-it's ok to be exactly who you are, dont try to change yourself for someone else, because if they dont love 'you' than they arent worth having around.
love song for no one: john mayer.
-because i sympathize. i want to not just be in love, i want ot be loved. i want to find whoever i'm meant to be with because i know how happy they will make me.
dreaming with a broken heart: john mayer.
-because i sympathize. waking up from a dream and realizing its not true is heart wrenching, and its happened to me for months at a time. and it was never true. and then when it was true it was gone in a flash. it is the most miserable feeling ever to wake up filled with hope that yes, today is the day i've waited for, only to realize you made it all up in your head. you cant let go.
more than a feeling: boston.
-it just makes you feel good.
pride in the name of love: U2
-hope. it gives me hope. and i love to sing it with bryan and david. :)
i need you: leann rimes.
-because we all need someone to believe in, and we need to be able to admit it. this reminds me that i do need something no matter how much i pretend i can stand alone. no one can and i need to remember that.
hit me with your best shot: pat benetar.
-to remind myself no matter how easy it is to feel sorry for myself, i am a tough broad. i can handle myself and i can make myself ok again, no matter how many times some jerk or many jerks hurt me. besides, i always have natalie to fall back on if i forget.
crawling in the dark: hoobastank.
-because i dont understand God at all most times. usually ever. and maybe i'm just not supposed to, but i have a hard time accepting Him and He comes. i don't like being in the dark and i feel i am most of the time. i wish i could understand why things happen the way they do.
there are more, but at the moment thats what i have. its something to think about.
.:"...and he'll kiss your face in the moonlight as you sit in front of your enormous lake, because who doesnt have an enormous lake in their front yard? yes, will we have our mr darcy, ad we wont have to wish we had someone like that. he'll be ours.":.
4.10.06
i dont understand why you took him away.
the pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
and i dont know the reason why you brought me here
but just because you love me the way that you do
i'm gunna walk through the valley if you want me to
because i'm not who i was when i took my first step
and i'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet
so with all of these trials bring me closer to you
and i will go through the fire if you want me to
it may not be the way i would have chosen
when you lead me through a world thats not my home
but you never said it would be easy
you only said i'd never go alone
so when the whole world turns against m and i'm all by myself
and i cant hear you answer my cries for help
i'll rememebr the sovreign your love puts you through
and i will go through the valley if you want me to.
------------->ginny owens, if you want me to
and i dont know the reason why you brought me here
but just because you love me the way that you do
i'm gunna walk through the valley if you want me to
because i'm not who i was when i took my first step
and i'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet
so with all of these trials bring me closer to you
and i will go through the fire if you want me to
it may not be the way i would have chosen
when you lead me through a world thats not my home
but you never said it would be easy
you only said i'd never go alone
so when the whole world turns against m and i'm all by myself
and i cant hear you answer my cries for help
i'll rememebr the sovreign your love puts you through
and i will go through the valley if you want me to.
------------->ginny owens, if you want me to
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