happy to see me

ready to know how happy you are to see me. ready to sit on our asses and watch movies all day. ready to be back.

18 days.

feeling better.

a few hours ago i wanted to strngle you. i just feel betrayed, i feel humiliated because i believed all the crap you peddled at me, i feel used. part of me still wants to just hurt you.

but the biger part has finally realized i just dont give a F***! i dont. i'm so incredibly tired of all your crap. you used me out of boredom. i think at some point you were a nice person but i'm not sure where it went.

and i can finally cut you out of my life because i don't need you. you're toxic. i dont know why we all crave the toxic people in our lives but mostly we do and i dont crave you anymore.

i have so many more things in my life to focus my energy on, things that matter, PEOPLE who matter. people i love. someone who loves me. this is such a good feeling mostly because i know that a few years ago there's no way i could have looked at this situation with such perspective. i'm proud. and laughing at you.


i'll be very interested to see how the next few months go though, better make some pop!corn because i have a feeling it'll be one helluva show......

a bit stunned. seriously? ok then.

21 effin' days. +3 hours, 25 minutes. so ready. i miss you so much. mostly i just wish i could see your face, watch it change into all those funny expressions you cant seem to hide and are many times wildly inappropriate--i.e. around chris. it just makes me happy. hugs would be good too.

i'm sore now, i was a little over ambitious with the limb-cutters, i could do it, but i will be paying tomorrow. stupid rotten tree falling over. stupid nasty ROACHES crawling out of the rotten stump! oh my dear Lord i thought i was going to die. flying. nasty. bpghjkeffklJSBFJbgpiEDJCNLKAJVBPAEIRUFH. one word. maybe two, i dunno. here, one phrase--heebee geebeeeeeeeeesssss! i totally spelled it right, i stand by it.

the worst of the lovely ms. fay will be tomorrow apparently. hoepfully we'll have powaaaa! no air conditioning is what i most worry about--its gets fricken hot! oh well. geez, i'm using an obnoxious amount of exclamations! all of a sudden, i dont normally bust those out. unless the word pop! comes up. i always put one after pop!.

pop! corn
pop!art
pop!tarts...i digress.

i'm irritated but i guess its best to not really bring it up. i;'m really frustrated. and i just gave some advice to someone i think i should go follow myself.

peace.


and i don't regret choosing You
and i'm not ashamed that it's You
who holds my heart
my heart.

------------------->barlowgirl*

strange, but probably not so beautiful.

it's been a weird and wild few days. [random side note--in the drop box for "mood" choices, weird was spelled wierd. nice going AOL]

a lot of random and unexpected stuff has happened, talked to or seen people i didnt expect to, or didnt want to in one case. i wasn't ready. i was ready to sprint the last leg of my run, not see you drive by. and it hurt a lot more than i wanted it to. i wanted to not care, or pretend it didnt affect me at all, or maybe even forget it happened--it was only a split second. but it did. and it sucked.

i want to go back to school. i want to be on my own again. or maybe i just want to get away from the people who make me feel like i dont matter--i think it's both. it seems to be fine when we're apart most of the time...which is really a big part of why i want to get outta here. like i dont belong in my own house. i cant be myself, i cant even speak, not without shit. im tired of feeling like i need to do things differently than i do, or be someone i'm not or pretend what you do doesnt hurt me--because the things i say would never bother you if anyone else said them. because they arent mean, they arent hateful and they arent cruel. they're just from my mouth. so they suck, and so do i. i'm sick of the negativity, and i'm sick of feeling like everything i say is completely invalid.

and i know things won't ever change.

so i guess i need to just live somewhere i won't be seen or heard, so i can finally feel free to speak.



i just really want to feel alive again. and i dont, and i dont know how to not feel so incredibly lonely.

some dreams are cruelly unreal

...like the one i just had where i was raiding lorelai and rory's closets, which strangely were my own.

certified survivor baby

no more physical therapy. most excellent....supposed to be only 3 weeks...hey i only went an extra 4. no big. i got a free "certified survivor" of heartland rehab therapy tshirt. the mind boggles.

i really like this journal but i might delete it....way too many people read it. i liked when i was oblivious and thought it was semi-private. i could just use my book...but i like typing, faster, i can get my thoughts out before i forget them or they get jumbled....but i cant say what i need to get out. i dunno.

um so the fact that Half Blood Prince comes out midnight after my exams end is kind of incredible--its f fabulous thing to look forward to while i want to ram my xacto knife in my eye.

i super want to know who my other 2 roommates will be. i need to mentally prep myself for it. i hope they're awesome because it would be great to actually like everyone i live with. i really want to go back to schoollllll...i miss nadine and sam.

all i really want is to be with you, because you make me happy.

most of the time i really just want to punch you because you just refuse to let go of this ridiculous thing that doesnt matter so you have someone to throw your displaced anger on, but there are often times like this morning where i just get so sad. i look at you and see parts of me, things i went through and crap i dealt with exactly as you are now and at a long ago point in time i could have helped and now i cant. it makes me sad to see someone i was friends with and would like to be friends with again hurt and all i can do is sit back and stay away.

and it makes me so angry that you just refuse to accept that anything ever happened. you just stuck your head in the sand like always. and it didnt matter to you that by doing that you were hurting me when you should have been loving me. and you still dont, and despite everything we;ve talked about and all the junk you have said--you havent changed. and part of me misses you so much and wishes things were different, part of me still wants you and loves you and hates that things didnt work out, but you havent changed. and you may never. and i couldnt turn my life upside down for a person who cant deal with anything, or a person who cant stand up for me.

---------------->Saw you sitting all alone
You’re fragile and you’re cold, but that’s all right
Life these days is getting rough
It knocks you down and beats you up
But it’s just a roller coaster anyway, yeah

-maroon 5