sweets:.
twizzlers pull-n-peel.
cotton candy.
red swedish fish.
dark chocolate.
divinity.
pralines.
gum.
pop!rocks.
fundip.
blow pops.
reisens.
literary works/writers of literature:.
pride and prejudice.
blue like jazz.
harry potter.
post secret.
my_secret.
leaves of grass.
davinci code.
angels + demons.
ee cummings.
nicholas sparks.
james patterson.
sabrina ward harrison.
"cinematic adventures":.
breakfast at tiffany's.
funnyface.
an affair to remember.
love affair.
sabrina.
RENT.
pride and prejudice.
phantom of the opera.
elizabethtown.
last holiday.
the brave little toaster.
american beauty.
garden state.
the holiday.
james bond 007.
doc hollywood.
spies like us.
the notebook.
lord of the rings.
diary of a mad black woman.
forrest gump.
persons[actual or fantastic]:.
audrey hepburn.
don miller.
william h. macy.
tom hanks.
walt whitman.
elizabeth bennet.
holly golightly.
patrick.
momma.
daddy.
kimmie.
nat*attack.
sam.
philipie.
aunt deb.
cinderella.
sabrina ward harrison.
fitzwilliam darcy.
craig meyers.
bryan amerling.
my pawpaws.
my bubba and my spaz.
^[macie and sophie].
andy warhol.
maher.
jesus.
obscurities:.
vintage posters.
big rings.
bangles.
painted glass.
orchids.
gold.
red.
paint.
sunshine.
rain.
drives.
colors.
messy hair.
crinkly books.
crayon box smell.
fires.
shooting stars.
board games.
observing people.
thinking.
jazz.
henna.
sparkles.
smoky eyes.
dresses.
writing.
fun prints.
wind.
cleansing tears.
sand and water.
museums.
galleries.
coffe shops.
working up a sweat.
feeling at ease.
brushstrokes.
progress.
snorts of laughter.
late-nite scrambled eggs.
coco-cola.
warm hugs.
melodies and harmonies:.
john mayer.
damien rice.
miles davis.
john coltrane.
snow patrol.
ben folds.
jamie cullum.
the fray.
gavin degraw.
mae.
sugarcult.
fallout boy.
boston.
whitney houston.
gospel music.
pat benetar.
panic!at the disco.
oasis.
maroon5.
dave matthews.
michael jackson. [yes.]
aqualung.
googoo dolls.
five for fighting.
juliana theory.
eve 6.
corrine baileyrae.
brian mcknight.
celine dion.
keane.
edibles:.
turkey.
pizza rolls.
chicken parmesean.
breadsticks.
fresh, crunchy bread.
scrambled eggs.
bacon.
extra sharp cheddar cheese.
triscuits.
peanut butter.
grape jelly.
fried chicken.
stir-fry.
half-baked ice cream. [ben+jerry].
kix.
ranch dressing.
quiche.
lasagne.
mashed potatoes.
gravy.
peas.
lima beans.
bagel bites.
ramen noodles.
chocolate oreos.
bagels.
icees.
cheetos.
funions.
cinnamon rolls.
waffles.
burgers.
onions rings.
chicken fingers.
honey mustard.
chicken fried rice.
29.12.06
27.12.06
i dont even know.
I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on
------------------> mae, this is the countdown:.
i feel like i'm under one of those heavy, lead xray things. you know the ones, the things they lay on your chest before they xray your teeth at the dentist or something. i feel a pressure over me, and its hindering me.
i feel so far away from the things i want. i'm just so tired. i feel drained. i feel like i've been fighting a losing battle for years. i'm exhausted, and i just wish i could strip it all away. struggle is the thing that has overwhelmed me it seems; everything has been a struggle. god is a struggle, family is a struggle, friends are a struggle, getting over you is a struggle, letting anyone in is a struggle, school is a struggle. i dont expect my life to be a perfect, breezy thing, but i dont expect it to be this hard either. i mean, i dont know, i feel like i have to fight vicisously for everything i want, and even then sometimes it doesnt work out. the things that i want could even be right in front of me sometimes, and i cant just make myself take them. i'm so used to being disappointed its almost like i dont want to be content because its scary. i guess its scary to think i could be so happy, i could have all this goodness, and then imagine it all blowing up and returning to a place like the one i was in before. i dont want to be bak there. i'm just so damn afraid of everything. of being alone, of being with people, of succeeding, of failing, of never knowing god, of being intimate with god, of never finding anyone, of being in a relationship, of my own feelings.
i have so much trouble sorting out my own thoughts. its just this jumble of things. this knot of feelings, memories, things left unsaid, things said too often, things that hurt, things that scare me, dreams. i cant untangle them. i cant see them individually, its like i can only remember or see parts of my own mind, because there's so much that it all overlaps and envelopes everything else, obscuring what i'm trying to find. i feel like im constantly searching for a way to say what i want to get out and usually end up saying a lot, but never what i need to.
i can read other people's thoughts, lyrics, poems, whatever it is, and it will be exactly how i feel but it was what i could never get out the right way. everyone else seems to be able to say what i cant find the words for.
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on
------------------> mae, this is the countdown:.
i feel like i'm under one of those heavy, lead xray things. you know the ones, the things they lay on your chest before they xray your teeth at the dentist or something. i feel a pressure over me, and its hindering me.
i feel so far away from the things i want. i'm just so tired. i feel drained. i feel like i've been fighting a losing battle for years. i'm exhausted, and i just wish i could strip it all away. struggle is the thing that has overwhelmed me it seems; everything has been a struggle. god is a struggle, family is a struggle, friends are a struggle, getting over you is a struggle, letting anyone in is a struggle, school is a struggle. i dont expect my life to be a perfect, breezy thing, but i dont expect it to be this hard either. i mean, i dont know, i feel like i have to fight vicisously for everything i want, and even then sometimes it doesnt work out. the things that i want could even be right in front of me sometimes, and i cant just make myself take them. i'm so used to being disappointed its almost like i dont want to be content because its scary. i guess its scary to think i could be so happy, i could have all this goodness, and then imagine it all blowing up and returning to a place like the one i was in before. i dont want to be bak there. i'm just so damn afraid of everything. of being alone, of being with people, of succeeding, of failing, of never knowing god, of being intimate with god, of never finding anyone, of being in a relationship, of my own feelings.
i have so much trouble sorting out my own thoughts. its just this jumble of things. this knot of feelings, memories, things left unsaid, things said too often, things that hurt, things that scare me, dreams. i cant untangle them. i cant see them individually, its like i can only remember or see parts of my own mind, because there's so much that it all overlaps and envelopes everything else, obscuring what i'm trying to find. i feel like im constantly searching for a way to say what i want to get out and usually end up saying a lot, but never what i need to.
i can read other people's thoughts, lyrics, poems, whatever it is, and it will be exactly how i feel but it was what i could never get out the right way. everyone else seems to be able to say what i cant find the words for.
22.12.06
theres only us, only tonight, we must let go to know whats right...
i dont believe a thing you've said. i dont think you dont care; i think thats a ridiculous thing to expect me to believe. but you believe it, you want to believe it, so go ahead. i cant change that, i cant make you do anything i want you to. a small part of me will always be sad about this, but...i'm hoping if this is how we are, that i found something better for me. hoping i have something good waiting for me. so, i came to say:
"goodbye love, goodbye love. came to say goodbye love, goodbye. just came to say goodbye love goodbye love, came to say goodbye."
"goodbye love, goodbye love. came to say goodbye love, goodbye. just came to say goodbye love goodbye love, came to say goodbye."
13.12.06
thank you jennnn
Check off the life experiences you have had. DO NOT include explanations!
Level 1
( ) Smoked A Cigarette
( ) Smoked A Cigar
( ) Smoked Weed
(x) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
(x) Drank Alcohol
SO FAR: 2
Level 2
(x) Are / Been In Love
( x) Been Dumped
( ) Shoplifted
( ) Been Fired
( ) Been In A Fist Fight
SO FAR: 4
Level 3
( ) Snuck Out Of A Parent's House
(x) Had Feelings For Someone Who Didn't Have Them Back
( ) Been Arrested
( ) Made Out With A Stranger
() Gone Out On A Blind Date
SO FAR: 5
Level 4
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x) Skipped School
( ) Slept With A Co-worker
( ) Seen Someone / Something Die
SO FAR: 7
Level 5
( ) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your MYSPACE Friends
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain
(x) Been On A Plane
( ) Thrown Up From Drinking
SO FAR: 8
Level 6
() Eaten Sushi
( ) Been Snowboarding
( ) Met Someone BECAUSE Of Myspace
( ) Been Mosh Pitting
SO FAR: 8
Level 7
( ) Been In An Abusive (emotionally or physically) Relationship
(x) Taken Pain Killers
(x) Love(d) Someone Who You Can't Have
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel
SO FAR: 12
Level 8
(x) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
(x) Gone Puddle Jumping
(x) Played Dress Up
SO FAR: 17
Level 9
( x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
() Gone Sledding
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School
SO FAR: 21
Level 10
( ) Used A Fake / Someone Else's ID
(x) Watched The Sun Set
( ) Felt An Earthquake
( ) Killed A Snake
SO FAR: 22
Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
( ) been Robbed / Vandalized
( ) Robbed Someone
(x) Been Misunderstood
( ) Pet A Deer
SO FAR: 24
Level 12
(x) Won A Contest
( ) Been Suspended From School
( ) Had Detention
(x) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident
SO FAR: 26
Level 13
( x) Had / Have Braces
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
SO FAR: 30
Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Look
( ) Witnessed A Crime
( x) Pole Danced
(x) Questioned YourHeart
(x) Been obsessed with post-it-notes
SO FAR: 34
Level 15
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(x) Been Lost
( ) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(x) Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying
SO FAR: 38
Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
() Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins
SO FAR: 42
Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls
(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
() Kissed In The Rain
SO FAR: 45
Level 18
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
( x) Been Kissed Under A Mistletoe
() Watched The Sun Set With Someone You Care / Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
() Made A Bonfire On The Beach
SO FAR: 48
Level 19
( ) Crashed A Party
(x) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey
SO FAR: 51
Level 20
(x) Worn Pearls
( ) Jumped Off A Bridge
(x ) Screamed "Penis" In Class
()Swam With Dolphins
SO FAR: 53
Level 22
(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole / Freezer/ice Cube
( ) Kissed A Fish
(x) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(x) Sat On A Roof Top
SO FAR: 56
Level 23
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
() Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
(x) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(x) Stayed Up All Night
SO FAR: 59
Level 24
() Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree
(x) Had / Been In A Tree House
(x) Scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone
SO FAR: 62
Level 25
() Believe In Ghosts/spirits
(x) Have / Had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
( ) Gone Streaking
( ) Jail/Visit
SO FAR: 63
Level 26
(x) Played Chicken
(x) Been Pushed Into A Pool With All Your Clothes On
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
(x) Broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused
SO FAR: 68
Level 27
() Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
( ) Made A Porn Video
() Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed
SO FAR: 70
Level 28
() Mooned / Flashed Someone
(x) Had Someone Moon / Flash You
( ) Cheated On A Test
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name
(x) Slept Naked
( ) French Braided Someones Hair
(x) Gone Skinny Dippin In A Pool
( ) Been Kicked Out Of Your House.
SO FAR: 74
Level 29
(x) Rode A Roller Coaster
(x) Went Scuba-Diving / Snorkeling
() Had A Cavity
( ) Black-Mailed Someone
() Been Black Mailed
SO FAR: 76
Level 31
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs
( )set a cat on fire
(x) Bitten Someone
(x) Licked Someone
SO FAR: 80
Level 32
( ) been shot at
( ) had sex in the rain / rainy night
( ) flattened someone tires
(x) Rode your car until the gas light came on
() got five dollars or less worth of gas
So Far: 81
Repost Your Results Like This...
I've Done 81 Out Of 142 Life Experience
Level 1
( ) Smoked A Cigarette
( ) Smoked A Cigar
( ) Smoked Weed
(x) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
(x) Drank Alcohol
SO FAR: 2
Level 2
(x) Are / Been In Love
( x) Been Dumped
( ) Shoplifted
( ) Been Fired
( ) Been In A Fist Fight
SO FAR: 4
Level 3
( ) Snuck Out Of A Parent's House
(x) Had Feelings For Someone Who Didn't Have Them Back
( ) Been Arrested
( ) Made Out With A Stranger
() Gone Out On A Blind Date
SO FAR: 5
Level 4
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x) Skipped School
( ) Slept With A Co-worker
( ) Seen Someone / Something Die
SO FAR: 7
Level 5
( ) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your MYSPACE Friends
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain
(x) Been On A Plane
( ) Thrown Up From Drinking
SO FAR: 8
Level 6
() Eaten Sushi
( ) Been Snowboarding
( ) Met Someone BECAUSE Of Myspace
( ) Been Mosh Pitting
SO FAR: 8
Level 7
( ) Been In An Abusive (emotionally or physically) Relationship
(x) Taken Pain Killers
(x) Love(d) Someone Who You Can't Have
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel
SO FAR: 12
Level 8
(x) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
(x) Gone Puddle Jumping
(x) Played Dress Up
SO FAR: 17
Level 9
( x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
() Gone Sledding
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School
SO FAR: 21
Level 10
( ) Used A Fake / Someone Else's ID
(x) Watched The Sun Set
( ) Felt An Earthquake
( ) Killed A Snake
SO FAR: 22
Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
( ) been Robbed / Vandalized
( ) Robbed Someone
(x) Been Misunderstood
( ) Pet A Deer
SO FAR: 24
Level 12
(x) Won A Contest
( ) Been Suspended From School
( ) Had Detention
(x) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident
SO FAR: 26
Level 13
( x) Had / Have Braces
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
SO FAR: 30
Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Look
( ) Witnessed A Crime
( x) Pole Danced
(x) Questioned YourHeart
(x) Been obsessed with post-it-notes
SO FAR: 34
Level 15
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(x) Been Lost
( ) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(x) Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying
SO FAR: 38
Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
() Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins
SO FAR: 42
Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls
(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
() Kissed In The Rain
SO FAR: 45
Level 18
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
( x) Been Kissed Under A Mistletoe
() Watched The Sun Set With Someone You Care / Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
() Made A Bonfire On The Beach
SO FAR: 48
Level 19
( ) Crashed A Party
(x) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey
SO FAR: 51
Level 20
(x) Worn Pearls
( ) Jumped Off A Bridge
(x ) Screamed "Penis" In Class
()Swam With Dolphins
SO FAR: 53
Level 22
(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole / Freezer/ice Cube
( ) Kissed A Fish
(x) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(x) Sat On A Roof Top
SO FAR: 56
Level 23
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
() Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
(x) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(x) Stayed Up All Night
SO FAR: 59
Level 24
() Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree
(x) Had / Been In A Tree House
(x) Scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone
SO FAR: 62
Level 25
() Believe In Ghosts/spirits
(x) Have / Had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
( ) Gone Streaking
( ) Jail/Visit
SO FAR: 63
Level 26
(x) Played Chicken
(x) Been Pushed Into A Pool With All Your Clothes On
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
(x) Broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused
SO FAR: 68
Level 27
() Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
( ) Made A Porn Video
() Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed
SO FAR: 70
Level 28
() Mooned / Flashed Someone
(x) Had Someone Moon / Flash You
( ) Cheated On A Test
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name
(x) Slept Naked
( ) French Braided Someones Hair
(x) Gone Skinny Dippin In A Pool
( ) Been Kicked Out Of Your House.
SO FAR: 74
Level 29
(x) Rode A Roller Coaster
(x) Went Scuba-Diving / Snorkeling
() Had A Cavity
( ) Black-Mailed Someone
() Been Black Mailed
SO FAR: 76
Level 31
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs
( )set a cat on fire
(x) Bitten Someone
(x) Licked Someone
SO FAR: 80
Level 32
( ) been shot at
( ) had sex in the rain / rainy night
( ) flattened someone tires
(x) Rode your car until the gas light came on
() got five dollars or less worth of gas
So Far: 81
Repost Your Results Like This...
I've Done 81 Out Of 142 Life Experience
2.12.06
"OHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYY!"
you cant argue that we dont deserve to be in the BCS nat'l champs. you just can't.
yeah. i guess you could say the gators suck. suck at LOSING. whatever.
yeah. i guess you could say the gators suck. suck at LOSING. whatever.
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
------->nickelback.:.far away
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
------->nickelback.:.far away
this whole day. maybe it started a little late, but that doesnt matter. it started off bad. it ended bad. the middle was ok. up until that damn movie it was ok. i dont even know how the heck it got so twisted. no idea. it just hit me like a ton of bricks-------->which hell, is what always happens. there is never anything slow and subtle with you. ever.
i dont understand. i dont understand why the heck you stay with me. through everything, through all that has happened, and not happened, through all of this. why wont you just leave? you stay in my mind and in my heart always and sometimes i wish you would just get the hell out. it would make forgetting you so much easier. and i cant. i cant forget. why does it still hurt so bad? it would be easier if you had been an ass. if you were a jerk and gave me a reason to hate you i would be able to get over it. but you were you. and you are never terrible. not to me. you just couldnt do it. i cant be angry with you for that. that makes it all the harder. i cant be mad at you, i cant be bitter, andi cant hate you. i just have a wealth of warm and happy thoughts of you that replay in my mind for what seems like forever...and the slideshow doesnt end once it's begun. not for ages. it just plays, and i sink lower and lower and i cant turn it off and i cant look away, cant breathe, cant refocus my energy, cant stop.
i dont understand why God would let this happen and then make things this difficult to forget. i dont. and this i think, is my biggest problem with God. He made all of this hurt happen, all of this pain. then miraculously He fixed everything....for an instant it seemed. and then He ripped it out from under me again. and now i have no answers. no where to turn, no comprehension. i believe everything happens for a reason, but i dont know what the reasons are. and i hate that. i got it back, that happened for a reason. why would You screw it up? why would You take it away? that happened for a reason to but i have no f*ing clue what it was. and then this---------->just like before, dreams. dreams at least once a week. constant reminders of what i have lost. the thing i treasured more than anything else, the thing i honestly believe i may never recover from....You keep that with me. why?
i just wish i knew why. all i want is the truth. from you, from Him, from whoever can give it to me. you have both mislead me. you have lied. you cant tell me the real reason why. and You justtoy with me. and i'm sick of it. i hate feeling this way. beig fine for so long, thinking i'm coping and moving on and then having it knock the wind out of me, side-swiping me completely.
whatever. whats the point anymore. it isnt like these same questions got me anywhere the last time, or ever. i dont know why i expect to understand. i just want the one thing i probably wont get back. just like everyone else. i guess i'm not any different from anyone else.
i dont understand. i dont understand why the heck you stay with me. through everything, through all that has happened, and not happened, through all of this. why wont you just leave? you stay in my mind and in my heart always and sometimes i wish you would just get the hell out. it would make forgetting you so much easier. and i cant. i cant forget. why does it still hurt so bad? it would be easier if you had been an ass. if you were a jerk and gave me a reason to hate you i would be able to get over it. but you were you. and you are never terrible. not to me. you just couldnt do it. i cant be angry with you for that. that makes it all the harder. i cant be mad at you, i cant be bitter, andi cant hate you. i just have a wealth of warm and happy thoughts of you that replay in my mind for what seems like forever...and the slideshow doesnt end once it's begun. not for ages. it just plays, and i sink lower and lower and i cant turn it off and i cant look away, cant breathe, cant refocus my energy, cant stop.
i dont understand why God would let this happen and then make things this difficult to forget. i dont. and this i think, is my biggest problem with God. He made all of this hurt happen, all of this pain. then miraculously He fixed everything....for an instant it seemed. and then He ripped it out from under me again. and now i have no answers. no where to turn, no comprehension. i believe everything happens for a reason, but i dont know what the reasons are. and i hate that. i got it back, that happened for a reason. why would You screw it up? why would You take it away? that happened for a reason to but i have no f*ing clue what it was. and then this---------->just like before, dreams. dreams at least once a week. constant reminders of what i have lost. the thing i treasured more than anything else, the thing i honestly believe i may never recover from....You keep that with me. why?
i just wish i knew why. all i want is the truth. from you, from Him, from whoever can give it to me. you have both mislead me. you have lied. you cant tell me the real reason why. and You justtoy with me. and i'm sick of it. i hate feeling this way. beig fine for so long, thinking i'm coping and moving on and then having it knock the wind out of me, side-swiping me completely.
whatever. whats the point anymore. it isnt like these same questions got me anywhere the last time, or ever. i dont know why i expect to understand. i just want the one thing i probably wont get back. just like everyone else. i guess i'm not any different from anyone else.
1.12.06
i did it again.
i even knew in the dream i'd done it again, but got up, checked my email, and brushed my teeth before i realized it consciously. damnit.
why do you haunt me so?
why do you haunt me so?
nobody does it better
aw. goodness. you even surprised me, which i thought would be pretty damn near impossible, but being the spectacular you that you are, you've done it again. everyone was so excited to see you, it was an awesome thing to be able to surprise everyone and see the looks on thier faces. i'm sooo glad you're back. i cant even explain it to you. i missed having my best friend around. it isnt any different though, i thought it would take a while to get back into the swing of things, for things to be normal again, but it took no time at all. this makes me smile. : )
i really need to start going to bed before 3 am. seriously, its getting a bit obscene. haha, i dont wake up until afternoon most days, but i dont go to bed until practically early morning anyways. i need to stop chatting on the phone. i wish i didnt have so much fun talking to you until all hours, because i would get a lot more sleep. oh well, its a sacrfice i'm willing to make. plus, i love that we can talk and i can be silly and make voices and snort andd be my embarassing self and not be embarassed. thats nice to feel so comfortable with someone. i almost watched batman begins the other day too. you're having a serious effect on my movie selection criteria. this is impressive given our short history. not many people can influence my cinematic stylings so effectively nor so effortlessly. that was a pretty eloquent way of saying you're in my brain telling me which movies to watch.
mmmm, tomorrow night will be good. pizza and bond. for the third time. ahhh, gotta love obsession. it'll be fun going to see it with you.
i want a tattoo. i really do. i'm just so damn chicken of doing things like that. i know i said i want to do the things i wanna do, but i dont know if this one will come to pass or not. i mean, on one hand it's this permanent thing, this ink blot you carry around with you forever, and you'll never be rid of it. ever. but at the same time, who gives a shit? if its important to you, if it means something to you personally, [which mine would], then who cares if people dont like it or if its with you forever. if it has meaning you'll want it forever. i dunno. i mull over it quite a bit.
.:this was meant to whet our appetite:.
-------------->bond, james bond.
the spy who loved me <----------------
i really need to start going to bed before 3 am. seriously, its getting a bit obscene. haha, i dont wake up until afternoon most days, but i dont go to bed until practically early morning anyways. i need to stop chatting on the phone. i wish i didnt have so much fun talking to you until all hours, because i would get a lot more sleep. oh well, its a sacrfice i'm willing to make. plus, i love that we can talk and i can be silly and make voices and snort andd be my embarassing self and not be embarassed. thats nice to feel so comfortable with someone. i almost watched batman begins the other day too. you're having a serious effect on my movie selection criteria. this is impressive given our short history. not many people can influence my cinematic stylings so effectively nor so effortlessly. that was a pretty eloquent way of saying you're in my brain telling me which movies to watch.
mmmm, tomorrow night will be good. pizza and bond. for the third time. ahhh, gotta love obsession. it'll be fun going to see it with you.
i want a tattoo. i really do. i'm just so damn chicken of doing things like that. i know i said i want to do the things i wanna do, but i dont know if this one will come to pass or not. i mean, on one hand it's this permanent thing, this ink blot you carry around with you forever, and you'll never be rid of it. ever. but at the same time, who gives a shit? if its important to you, if it means something to you personally, [which mine would], then who cares if people dont like it or if its with you forever. if it has meaning you'll want it forever. i dunno. i mull over it quite a bit.
.:this was meant to whet our appetite:.
-------------->bond, james bond.
the spy who loved me <----------------
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