a reprieve from all she wondered and had never known

the break went by too fast, but considering that tomorrow is wednesday is promising, it means this week is flying by as well. we all know what that means...closer to midterms which is closer to break. and on the 13th a special surprise no one knows about. it will be good. for me. it will be good.

so i've been working on handmade christmas cards for a few days now, i decided i really really enjoy making them. it takes quite a while but its fun just making something beautiful and even better knowing that its going to make someone else happy. doing things for other people lights me up inside and i love it. i'm the helper, the giver, the consoler...compassionate and loving. man it sounds like i'm full of myself but i'm not.

its all about other people. if someome is hurt i want to heal. if someone is sad i want to cheer them up. if someone needs a friend i'll be there no matter what happens, and if i cant physically be there even though i'll try, i will be available. helping other people is important to me, and if anyone...anyone at all comes to me, or i see someone who needs me, i will be there no matter, what in the blink of an eye, you bet your life on it.

maybe its because i hope on the days i need someone else, they can be there too.

and you have been there. not just one, but you, all of you have been there. and you'll know who you are. you have made me cry...made me realize this isnt all me, made me see that i can choose to be happy and i can choose to live how i want to. i can be with whom i want, and i can be joyful for things i sometimes forget i have. you have shown me that i'm never alone and i never need to feel that way. i always have someone, God, or you always with me. that nothing is ever all my fault, everything cant possibly be all my fault all the time because i'm quite frankly, "not all that" making me laugh through my tears to realize that even though my life is hard right now, it wont be so hard later. letting me help you, talk to you, BE with you when i needed to. loving me because you want to. i love each and every single one of you for all that you've done for me and all the things you allow me to give back.

no matter how dark and deep down in the hole i feel...i know i am blessed with the best group of angels God ever made. know that you are that for me.

finally

i can take a deep breath.

its over, i gave up and i'm not going to waste another second crying over anything. i can live. i dont have this weight on my chest anymore and i'm glad its gone. letting go is the hardest and best thing i've ever done, and i wish i could have seen through you earlier. i wouldnt have hurt myself so much, i wouldnt have let myself be hurt by anyone.

--Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. Psalm 37:7--

--I am worn out from sobbing. Every night tears drench my bed; my pillow is wet from weeping. My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies. Go away all you who do evil, for the .:Lord has heard me crying:. The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord will answer my prayer. May all my enemies be disgraced and terrified. May they suddenly turn back in shame. Psalm 6:6-10--

why does it hurt so bad?

why? just answer me God....FREAKING GIVE ME AN ANSWER....i dont fucking understand. TELL ME. i'm so angry and so hurt and so lost...i just dont understand.

why?

 

love brings such misery and pain

GO GATORS!!!!!!  zook went out in S-T-Y-L-E....

anyway...Angels and Demons so far doesnt compare to The Da Vinci Code...nothing is happening...and i'm 100 pages in...it better get good fast. 

i'm sick of empty promises. i really am. if you say you're going to call, CALL. if you know you wont, then why bother saying you will? if you say you're comming, then dont just not show up.  if you say something and then dont do it, why waste your  breathe making an empty promise? i know sometimes its unavoidable and i understand, but when 9 times out of 10 you dont follow through we have a problem.  i'm not stupid, judging from past experience, its barely...hardly ever true. just dont tell me you're going to do something and then dont ok? i'm sick of it. and that isnt just for one person, its for a few.

i should work on this...

--Dont dwell on whats wrong in your life, or on the things you dont have. Insteadm focus on what you DO have and be forever thankful. Start each day with the promise of God's blessing in your heart.--

the hits just keep on comming

it wasnt supposed to end this way. this was supposed to be MY day. every other day of the damned week was horrible and today was my shining chance at redemption--well isnt that a nice notion....happiness....i havent been happy for longer than 5 minutes all week. 

WHY!?! why the hell out of everyone in the world is this happening to ME. i'm not perfect, but i'm a GOOD person, i know i am. i dont do drugs, i dont drink, i dont cheat in school, i dont bother anyone, most of the time i dont even talk unless i'm with my friends bc i have a book to occupy me. so why the hell is my life crumbling beneath me? why.

i needed you today, and you werent there. i needed someone, anyone, and when i finally got through and you called me back when i was crying to hard i could barely see where i was driving...you werent there. you had prior engagements. i wasnt important enough. i needed you. you left me out in the cold. i hope you know what the hell that feels like, it SUCKS ASS. thats how it feels. i have always been there for you and i got cast aside. i loved and still love you so its ok, but i want you to know you hurt me. i forgive you and its ok, but i'm hurt by you. i never thought this would happen.

i swear...if tomorrow isnt a good day i know for a fact i wont make it through another week. i cant. i've had enough. God, please dont give me anything else...i'm at my max. i've cried more in this stupid past three weeks than i have in the last six months, and considering whats happened in the last six months...thats a staggering figure. i cant wait--there are 7 weeks left of this stupid, freaking year. seven weeks, and i can start over. i can have a whole new year, and hopefully a better one.  i need you God...i feel like theres no one left for me to go to...mommy and dad are it...and they cant do this for me. i need something else, and i need it fast.

i'm spent, physically exhausted in every sense of the word, spiritually drained, emotionally dead.

--I wanted you to know, I love the way you laugh, i want to hold you high and steal your pain away. i keep your photograph, and i know it serves me well, i want to hold you high and stealk your pain. Because i'm broken when i'm open and i dont feel like i am strong enough, because i'm broken when i'm lonesome and i dont feel right when You've gone away....You've gone away, you dont hear me...anymore.--

this year is almost over...and i couldnt be more glad

life. a cruel game. life is so harsh, so ugly...so....blind.

i swear, nothing is supposed to be easy and i hate it.  i know things happen for a reason and all the bad stuff leads to somehting good and yada yada...but i am SO over the bad stuff...this month has hit me hard. only a few things have kept me going...friends, having something to occupy me, my mommy, and special moments....

a cookie.

a hug.

a smile.

being hand in hand.

those things are what let me know no matter how bad things go, how much money you invest in a piece of sh*t...how much love you could lose...its worht it for the few moments of realization that you can be happy. thanks for helping me see i'm special. i love you for it.

--Didnt we almost have it all? when love was all we had worth giving? the ride with you was worth the fall my friend, loving you makes life worth living. Didnt we almost have it all? the nights we held on till the morning, you know you'll never love that way again...didnt we almost have it all?--

Day and night, why is it so that this longing for you follows wherever i go?

so, i decided something. i've been doing that a lot as of late. you should never go more than six months without looking through old photos, old yearbooks, old memories. to see things you maybe havent seen for a while, have forgotten, or havent ever seen before, like your mother being pregnant, or your godmother holding you, or you crying because you hurt yourself. do you ever miss that? just remembering?

i think i'd like a camera. i think its what i'd really enjoy. to take a picture...capture a memory, find something beautiful.  see uniqueness in everything, potential. to look around you and find every person you see and every tree, plant or flower, to know they are ALL beautiful. to see life abounding. it leaps out at you when you dont expect it.

to go through your mother's, or father's, old things and hold something and remember something insignificant...something you'd forgotten? or find something new, something you love. a piece of jewlery, an old worn out photo, a scarf....it could be anything.

its so soothing, to sit and listen. jazz is the music of winter.

 

--When I fall in love, it will be forever. Or I'll never fall in love. In  restless world like this is, love has ended before it's begun. And too many moonlight kisses seem to cool in the warmth of the sun. When I give my heart, it will be completely. Or I'll never give my heart.--

i shall call him squishy and he shall be mine

so i decided i want to travel...in a time machine. back to the 70s. to see my parents at their respective high schools....mom @ kenny, pops @ UC. looking thourgh the yearbooks, reading what people have to say...its neat to see what your parents were like back then. i wonder--if i have kids--what they'll think about me when they see my pictures and see the few things i did....what they'll say to me.

i'm still having problems. i try to find little signals...signs in my day to help me understand my dilemmas...i think i disregard the true signals, and pay too close attention to the fals ones at times...i dont know. life can be so complicated for no reason sometimes.

i want to flat out know yes or no. do you or dont you? will you or wont you? can you make time...would you be mine?  i would wait if i flat out knew, whether or not i was good for you. i dont want to look the fool again....hopefully i wont in the end.  all i need is to know the whats inside...and whether you can let go of your pride.  gets some guts and talk this through, to know whether or not i could be good for you.

mean girls...its not only a movie

reality: girls are mean. they SUCK. they are BITCHES. they talk about each other, judge one another without any facutal evidence to back up their claims, they hate each other for the most ridiculous of reasons. i hate girls. i knew there was a reasoni stick to guys whenever possible...and it isnt bc any of them are spectacularly hot or anything, theyre SO much easier to talk to. simple. straight forward. REAL.

the rest is just going to be me getting things out...talking to God because its easier for me to write it than think it. so unless you have some urge to know what me and God talk about...i guess the rest is pointless to you.

Ok God...so there's this..."situation" i have...yes, you know the one, with the person and the thing....yeahhhh that one. so anyways, i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. i dont know what to do. thats where You come in. i know i need to just .:quit:. worrying about it, because in all honesty it does nothing but stress me out, but you know how i am. i have this urge to FIX things, everything. if it's broken, i fix it. so, the thing is....i feel like i need to DO something to get this situation in the right again....but then again, if i do too much...it'll end up equally as bad as if i dont do anything. get what i mean? i figured you did. so...it makes this hard. i know i need to let you work your magic, stretch your proverbial legs and do your thing, but its so hard for me to give up that control...when in reality i dont have much, i cling to the hope that i can help, but i'm not sure i can. so i need You. i need you to help me just let things happen as they will...i know whatever happens, whether i like it or not, is whats best for me. i just wish it would happen already--impatience is something we both know i need work on. so, if you could help me out, give me trust and strength...that would be amazing. patience too...to wait. to understand, to know why and what is going on. i love you, thanks.

--i'm finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is, its ok. all that i need is to be heard and to hear what you would say. word of God speak, would You pour down like rain, washing my eyes to see Your majesty. to be still and know Your in this place, please let me stay and rest in Your holiness. word of God speak.--

love song for my savior

Why would I spend my life longing for the day that it would end?  Why would I spend my time pointing to another man? Isn't that c r a z y ? How can I find hope in dying, with promises unseen? How can I learn your way is better than everything I'm taught to be? Isn't that crazy? I have not been called to the wisdom of this world, but to a God who is calling out to me. And even though the world may think I'm losing touch with reality, it would be .:crazy:. to choose this world over eternity. And if I boast let me boast, and filthy rags made clean. And if I glory let me glory in my Savior's suffering.  Isn't that crazy? And as I live this daily life, I trust You for everything. And I'll only take a step when I feel you leading me. Isnt that crazy?

 

Father hear my prayer, I need the perfect words, words that he will hear, and know they're straight from YOU. I dont know what to say, I only know it h u r t s, to see my only friend slowly f a d e away. So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life, with Your fire in my eyes. But that old familiar fear is .:tearing:. at my words. What am I so afarid of? So here I go again, talkin bout the rain, and mullin' over things that wont live past today. And as I dance around the truth, time is not his friend. This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him.  Lord, You love him so, You gave Your only son, if he would just BELIEVE, he will never die. But how then will he know what he has never heard, Lord he has never seen mirrored in my life? So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life, with Your fire in my eyes. But that old familiar fear is t e a r i n g at my words, what am i so afraid of? So here I go again talkin' bout the rain, and mullin' over things that wont live past today. And as I dance around the truth, time is not his friend. This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him, so here I go again, here I go again.

and as the colors changed from blue to green, she smiled, knowing they were now the same

today....oh my Lord in heaven...it was NOT a good day at all.  THREE times now, in six months this has happened to me, THREE. and everytime it turns out ok, and it's in the end no big deal, but for those few minutes when you dont know whats going to happen...they are the worst moments of my life. i was in tears half the day today....it was not a good day.  then i basically ignored everyone and just walked past people i knew bc i didnt want to have to talk to anyone, so i'm sorry. it was a bad day, and i didnt mean to blow anyone off or be rude.

anyways, i know how truly lucky i am.  this always turns out ok, everytime, and i know God has been watching my back but i dont understand why it keeps happening...like why does this happen to me?  maybe just to make me realize how much i have, i dont know, but i'm thankful as hell that i''ve ok as long as i have. this sucks and i dont want it to hapen anymore, and it comes out of no where and bites you in the ass when you LEAST expect it to. youre never ever ready.

 

--Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable to You, O Lord, my strength and my redeemer.  Psalm 19:14--

night and day, you are the one

yesterday was a double edged sword.  have you ever had a day that started out lovely and ended terribly? (in a sense)  yeah...we wont go into it, but there were definitely ups and downs...i think that anyone who knows plan x knows even though it wasnt fun, it ended well....i'm glad that's out there now..i needed it.

saturday....oh saturday. i dont even remember what i did on saturday up until around 6:30...i definitely remember everything afterwards.  anyone without a mood ring is a loser. and who knew they delivered news papers at 11 pm the night before? or, even more astonishingly, that jimmy buffet sings french? exactly. :)

 

--Night and day, you are the one
Only you beneath the moon or under the sun
Whether near to me, or far
It's no matter darling where you are
I think of you
Day and night, night and day, why is it so

That this longing for you follows wherever I go
In the roaring traffic's boom
In the silence of my lonely room
I think of you
Day and night, night and day

Under the hide of me
There's an oh such a hungry yearning burning inside of me
And this torment won't be through
Until you let me spend my life making love to you
Day and night, night and day--

i got sunshine on a cloudy day

i had successfully, amidst the chaos and emotions, had the best night.  it was on the verge there for a while--teetering to and fro, by the way no one says to and fro anymore, we should start a revolution. anywho..it turned out quite well. i will be having an amazing weekend i can surely predict. : )

i want to encourage, as i'm sure Bryan, Shoup, and David will all agree, all of you to reach out to our new friend Dennis Copperpenny.  he's a newbie shoupey..haha rhymes...has recruited. he was here wednesday night shortly as i was doing the newsletter--he's a cool kid. so if you guys could help him feel welcome thatd be awesome. you can email him at: coinman1910@gmail.com.  dont hesitate! ; )

ok my eys burn so its time to blow this popcicle stand...by the way no one eats those anymore either...but i guess its bc everyone knows ice cream is so much better. haha, goodnight all.

W The President

--I don't believe all the things I hear. All these things I hold so dear, I won't take for granted. I tell myself that I won't hide. Maybe this might finalize, this fear I feel's unfounded. Do you see the danger creeping up beside? 'Cause you're turning me inside out, You're breaking all these promises we made. Maybe time will make it right. Yeah, you're turning me inside out. It's taking all my strength and will to stay.
Maybe time will make it right.I've always taken a chance with life, knowing if I paid the price that soon I'd find the answer. There's no use being afraid to see what my life was meant to be. It could take me so much higher. Do you see the danger creeping up beside? 'Cause you're turning me inside out, You're breaking all these promises we made. Maybe time will make it right. Yeah, you're turning me inside out. It's taking all my strength and will to stay. Maybe time will make it right.--

.:tainted:.

i hate that feeling. i just hate it. you're having the most incredible day ever, like top notch amazing, and then somehting happens and it just....messes your mood up. your day isnt ruined, and it isnt over, but--its lost that gleam, that excitement....that JOY. its so frusterating.

anyway, it was a really good day. woke up in a good mood..listened to this awesome song..i forget who sings it..i'll find out...but its called Inside Out.  its on the Smallville sountrack, FYI. anways, man do i ever get sidetracked or what...so i get to school and have doghnuts in x mod compliments of the amazing Mr DeLuca....mmm..mine kind of made me sick with all the creamy icing in it but it was still good. then i talked to my Tar Bear who delivered to me some very refreshing and wonderous news. then off to A mod which as always was quite dull. until that is, Crusader Coverage came on..(school news) and it cracked me up, its always really funny. then i saw him after a mod and that will always make me smile, i mean come on now. then... i got an A of some sort on my Anatomy test...super news. then off the Cmod which besides it being lunchtime smack dab in the center was drab. then off to D mod where we practiced for the mile i fear we will running tomorrow...AHH. but besides the massive cramps i got landed with somewhere on the third lap it was fine. then i showered for the second time today....there has so far been a grand total of three--so im the cleanest kid on the block, and the prettiest smelling. then off to E mod Alg II where i received my test scores, temporarily percieved to be in the 97% range when in a surprising twist, ended up being a marvelously fantabulous 102% instead. rock on for bonus points. it would have been 105 if i had bubbled in the correct answer for one--those minus signs are deceiving let me tell YOU. then i was off to bible study to chat with Bryan about horror films and have him explain the begining and end of The Grudge, since i missed the begining and the end was too scary for litle kristina marie to watch. i had protection with me though, so he kept me safe from the insane dead woman crawling on her hands down the stairs...CRAZY! and scary..i thought this movie would be dumb to the tenth power but it scared the crap out of me and three days later i still have trouble falling asleep. so unless you dont scare too easy or your just insane and dumb, dont see it. Rebekah is the darn cutest baby i've ever seen...shereminds me of Melissa with her obsession with Goldfish..its funny. 

now that i've rambled for quite some time, i'm going to go ask my momma to braid my hair, sooo....go build a fort. until next time...

 

--with the sound of your voice waters still. you are Lord over all. with a touch of your robes sick are healed, and for you Jesus we all fall down. my soul finds rest and .:comfort:. from only you, my fortresss and my ROCK i wont be moved. you are my cornerstone whose love endures. with the sound of your voice waters still. you are [Lord over all]. with a touch of your robes sick are healed. for you Jesus we all fall down, and i praise you for i am fearfully and wonderfully made, and i praise you for i am FEARFULLY and .:wonderfully:. made, we fall down.--