we've been through hell together

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
Have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try baby and
Have a little faith, faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here baby, [from a whisper start]
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you, you will see
I will catch your, I will catch your fall just
Have a little faith, faith in me

-I've been loving you for such a long, long time-
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
Cuz for us [there is no end]
All you gotta do is have a little faith in me

I will hold you up, I will hold you up and
Your love gives me strength enough to
Have a little faith in me
Oh faith, darlin'

i've been finding a lot of comfort, or relevance even, in the music i've heard recently. this song especially reassures me right now. i dont think it was went spiritually...but--it speaks to me. you know, you hear or read something and it just instantaneously resonates with you? it hit me.

i was reading wrestling with god today by [rick diamond] and there was a line that stuck out to me. 

"...what i want is to find something to believe in that isnt true because someone told me so, but that i can sense is true, down in my bones."

thats what i want.  thats what my whole spiritual search/crisis/questioning has been all about. i know God loves me and He's up in heaven and if i love Him i get a ticket to heaven. big whoop. everybody who goes to church knows that. i think so many of us know this piece of information and process it like a factoid to be stored in the memory banks. "God made me, He loves me, I go to heaven if i love Him back....check" but thats so not how God wants us to view Him. He isnt this far-off idea or being in the cosmos with a bulletin board with a roadmap of every human's life on it. He loves us so much. not He made us and thinks we're fun to play with and watch run into each other...not "cool" because we are entertaining...He is passionately, desperately, uncontrollably, devotedly in love with every single person on this earth. and i think thats a point lots of people miss. Christianity shouldnt be this huge list of rules...Dont do this and avoid this, and dont exceed this....blah blah blah...THEN Jesus will love you. NO  that isnt how it is. He created us so we could live and experience joy and beauty and happiness and love.  evil is a byproduct of the Fall. it wasnt intended, but with evil comes good. focus on the good.

 i think that is what i've been searching for--a deep and real understanding of what i have been taught. becuase what i learned at church is so far from how Jesus is and was and will always be. He loved whores and drug addicts and homeless drunks. He hated the religious people of His day becuase they weren't living His word and His way. they twisted the laws God gave them and misinterpreted His teachings. they were pompous and rude. They didnt love. they tell you to love everyone in sunday school, and then as you get older you realize how little love there is in the world. no one loves anyone anymore. the gays, and the prostitues, and the drug dealers, and the murderers, and the kids who beat up other little kids....God loves them and He commands, not asks, commands that we love them as He does. its hard to overcome a prejudice you've been raised with...but hating someone for no reason other than the ludicrous one you or someone you know has concocted doesnt make them a bad person. its hard to love, but wouldnt we all be happier if we did? do you think there would be so many kids killing themselves if they felt like someone actually gave a shit whether they were alive or not? if someone reached out and just spoke to them. or smiled at them.

i walked by at least 10 people when i walked to my car after church on Sunday, and i smiled at every single one and not a single person even looked at me. they saw me from a distance then when we passed they suddenly were fascinated with the cement or a tropical pigeon flying by must have caught their attention...yeah right. people cant even SMILE at each other anymore. that really bothered me.

i guess the whole point of my rant is that i think the central message most Christians miss is to love. its so simple and yet so unattainable for some.

[leave someone some love today.]

my pen is the barrel of a gun, remind me which side you should be on

And if I could move I'm sure it would only be to crawl back to
you
I must have dragged my guts a block... they were gone by the
time we (talked)...

I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
But you know that I could crush you with my voice

Stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me
Hide the details I don't want to know a thing

I hate the way you say my name like it's something secret
My pen is the barrel of the gun. Remind me which side you should
be on

I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel.

my heart is on my sleeve
wear it like a bruise or blackeye
my badge, my witness
that means that i believed
every single lie you said (and learned from the best)

and every little pat on the shoulder for attention fails to
mention i still hate you

you want apologies
girl, you might hold your breath
until your breathing stops forever, forever
the only thing you'll get
is this curse on your lips:
i hope they taste of me forever

with every breath i wish your body will be broken again


i refuse to be walked all over anymore. i'm sick of being taken advantage of and sick of being treated second rate because you know i'll always be there to take you back. you treat me like a door-mat and i'm done being stomped on. i do everythingi can to make this work and all you do is make excuses for yourself and try to send me on the guilt trip from hell. not gunna fly anymore. acknowledging a problem comes with the responsibility to correct it. you have one and not the other. what bugs me most is that you know what you're doing and dont really give a shit. you just shrug it off because, "thats how you are and you cant help it" and that isnt good enough. if i was important you would do everything you could to help me fix things and you havent. thats what hurts. you brush me aside for others, you make excuses, and you basically just wont own up to anything.

[i'm so over being invisible to you]

 

i'll take a side-order of guilt please

if anyone else has been wronged by me in any way, please--i'd be delighted to hear more about it. i havent had enough people mad at me this week yet--i havent quite filled my quota. so, from the bottom of my f-ing heart...i'd love to hear how i've made you're life a misery.

and if anyone would like to help my by making a donation to the "kristina-needs-to-let-out-her-frusterations-therefore-she-intends-to-buy-a-punching-bag-and-various-masks-to-help-her-envision-the-people-she-wants-to-smack-upside-the-head" fund, please let me know. [this is not a test]

sadly, the person i most want to lay it on is myself.

an original:.

i wanna run til i can't feel the earth beneath my feet

i wanna scream til i feel my heart skip a beat

i wanna cry til i feel the sobs with only dry eyes

i wanna let it out, but i can't make myself say goodbye

 

i wanna write til my soul flows free

i wanna lay in the grass, and sigh, and just be

i wanna paint a picture worth a two thousand words

i wanna see your face and know i'm yours

 

 

crash into me

.:It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something:.

--crash

i think maybe he's right. things are so impersonal in the world today. for some thats a huge generalization, and for me it is somewhat--i mean i can still pull into our street and have people wave at me, but most people dont have that. people dont talk to each other anymore....i mean really talk.  people dont like to help other people--they see wrong-doing and stand in the shadows watching and dont so anything because they dont want to get involved. its human nature to face fear--but isnt it sad that fear is an everyday battle for some people? i see someone on the side of the road who needs a ride and i always want to help...but it isnt safe, especially for a young teenage girl, to pick up a man on the side of the street. you shouldnt have to wonder if you're risking your life when you help someone.

judgement haunts all of us. most of us cant look at a homeless person and see them just as a person who needs help...we see them as dirty, smelly, drunks who are too lazy to get a job and help themselves. why not give a homeless guy a buck or two or hell--even 10 or 20 if you have it? sure, he could go buy beer or drugs or whatever else you may assume he'll use it for...but what if he just wants to walk into a store and buy some food with a little dignity. maybe he wants to get a toothbrush or a bar of soap.  sure, offering to buy a homeless person food is charitable...but you need things toher than food to survive. how is a a guy who's lived on the streets for a year with no home, no clothes besides what he's got on and no way to clean himself up ever expected to be hired? he wont be, and you know that its true. would you hire anyone looking like that? the honest answer is "no" but if you want to lie to yourself so you dont feel like a jerk you can say "yes"  it just annoys the hell out of me that people wont just help other people, no strings attatched. why do you need to be reassured they wont go buy alcohol....it's their choice. you have money and they dont, you have more than you need and they dont. give them the 3 bucks stuffed in your wallet and move on with your life. they'll be grateful no matter what they spend it on.

i would really reccommend crash to everyone.  but i guess its only fair to warn you that there are definitely some vulgar scenes.....the f*bomb is a favorite word. they only use it about once every other word. i dont like it but the message of the movie, the whole point they try to get across, this idea that people need to learn to need other people....its awesome. its worth it.

.:it's too hard living, but i'm afraid to die. cuz i dont know whats up there beyond the sky. it's been a long time...long time commin but i know a change is gunna come:.

--gavin [degraw]

let it out

i have a deep and penetrating desire to write at this very moment. i dont even know precisely what i want to say. but i feel its time to let it out.

i've made a mistake. it isnt even the mistake i regret so much as it is the whole hurting someone else aspect. and technically, nothing i did was "wrong" or "immoral"--it just didnt make someone else feel very good. i had no idea what was going to happen. i had no idea things would work out the way they did, and i let you know exactly how i felt and what i thought every step of the way the very moment something happened. so what i said to you had no alterior motive--it was simply that thats how ifelt, and still feel. i'd be angry if i were you too, well--hurt. but i cant do anything about it now. there is only one thing i hate more than being hurt. hurting others.

on a lighter note: most things in my life are going well. i'm glad we worked things out, and i really feel its for the best. i'm happy with you, and unhappy without you. its elementary really. if i could apply the same thinking to how distant i feel from the Big Guy right now then that would be phenominal. it isnt a matter of Him not being there...i know He is. i just can't feel Him. it's like...i dont understand why all this had to happen to me. and not even all of it happened to me per say, but i was affected. i mean, the past year and a half has been the worst of my entire life thus far. more has happened in the last 16 months or so than i care to revisit here. death has plauged the people i love. i've been depressed almost every day. it just hasnt been happy. and i guess what i'm frusterated about is the fac tthat i dont think i deserve to feel this way. i dont think i did anything to equate the past 16 months. everyone sins, myself most undoubtedly included, but nothing substantial enough to credit this.

i feel like i never do enough. i dont read the Bible enough, i dont pray enough, i'm not happy enough, i'm not friendly enough, i'm not "there" enough for others, i dont contirbute enough, i dont give enough, i dont love enough, i dont try hard enough...i, in essence, am not enough. when i do get completely overwhelmed and finally pray, not "Dear God: thanks for today and this food and bla bla bla", but pray from deep down and talk to God about my pain and my hurt and all that i feel, i dont ever feel like He hears me. i say all these things and i dont feel as if anything has been done to fix it. He's still way up there and i'm still way down here. i never get a whole lot out of that whole being silent and listening to God thing. i guess i dont listen hard enough--but that would also tie into my whole your a piece of worthless crap mentality which i dont believe to be healthy or true. [by true i mean it plagues me yes, but i know that isnt how i truly am nor how the world perceives me] i'm really responsive. i like to send letters, talk, debate, argue...whatever you want to call it. i like interaction. and i dont feel God interacting. i am also a "doer"  anyone who knows me knows that about me. if i dont like something, i say i dont like it. if something isnt right, i fix it. if someone is hurt, i want to help them. if someone needs me, i will always do everything in my power to help them. i like control. and the one thing about all of this mess is this: i have no control. God has control. i hate that, and i dont mean any disrespect, i just hate not being able to fix this alone. i may be an active helper but i hate being dependent on other people on the flip side. just ask philip--he's the one who pointed it out to me. i have to rely on God and trust Him and know He'll always be up there sitting under the umbrella of His beach chair sipping a Coke, nectar of the gods, and all the while making sure my life--along with the rest of humanity's--is going how it should. for the record, in heaven, Coke is not acid to your intestines. it is equally as healthy as water. so--even if it kills me here...i can swim in it if i want to and i'll be fine in heaven. that is good.

[i'd like to just say that i appreciate anyone who reads this. i appreciate you because this journal contains nothing of consequence--it wont help you pass high school and it wont solve any of life's problems. but you read it anyway because there, to you, must be something of interest in it. which would mean i have something interesting to say. and knowing someone is interested in my thoughts, which is exactly what this journal is--just all the junk swirling around in my gray matter--is nice to know and reminds me someone thinks i have something valuable to contribute. so thanks]

how can you take this abuse from me?

so after talking with natalie today, i have a more complete understanding of true friendship.  i'm so sorry i wasn't there when you called, i wish i could have been there for you.  i love you. 

it really makes me angry when i think about my friends. that sounds so backwards i'm sure to most people...but it just annoys me.  i guess giving you my reason as to why qould be helpful in making some of you understand. most of the time, most of my friends aren't there for me.  caroline, natalie, mitchell, and philip, and bryan are the only people who i know i can always count on no matter what. (besides family) it doesnt matter what happens because i know they will drop everything and talk to me and help me and will come get me if i ever got stranded anywhere with shitty drunk slut friends who dont care about anyone than themselves. the follow through, always. they dont say one thing and do another--they are solid...what i mean to say is that they are consistent. i know i can count on them to actually follow through on a lunch date or on plans we make.  they wont not answer my calls and leave me questioning why they never got back in touch with me for days at a time.

it pretty much sucks when you cant count on your best friend to be there or to follow through on anything they say. thats sad--when you expect a person to always be late, to always have an excuse, to always cancel plans, and to never answer the phone. thats not how friends should perceive each other. i'm sure you had a plausible reason for all this--i'll wait until i hear it i guess. theres nothing else i can do.

it also makes me really angry to know all the things my friends do.  school friends. i mean--get drunk, act stupid, do whatever you want.  i cant stop you, i dont agree with it but do what you will--its your life.  i dont understand your fixation with it, when half of you throw up 2 or 3 times a night on the weekend because you're so drunk you cant even hold your alcohol in anymore...i guess thats something worth laughing about.  and i guess its sort of funny when you talk about what you did over the weekend, and the only way you even remember what happened is through pictures you took of things while you were trashed. thats how i want to live my life--totally relying on photographs and not my memory to remind me of how i spent my adolescent life.  i guess i just dont know what cool is.  its not like i haveanything against alcohol--i'll be all for it when i'm legal.  it isnt like i've never had it either....we have plenty of it.  but i dont see the exciment in the whole binge drinking-barfing-passing out scene.  that doesnt whip me into an intoxicated frenzy. maybe thats just me. i feel bad for you. i'd love to hang out with you guys for a night and video tape how stupid you act. then maybe you'd see. then again--you probably wouldnt.  its sad when the only time your friends are sober is when they hang out with you. i guess thats good, but twisted.

 .:life seems a little warmer when you're standing next to me. and if you were a little taller or i was a little smaller then you'd block the wind entirely. life's just a bit more funny when i'm poking fun at you. cuz you tripped when you were running, and if my jokes were truly funny then you might share in the laughter too. i dont want you to make this into somehting it is not, but....i am alone. you are alone. we are alone. let's be alone together:.

and suddenly the weight was lifted off her chest, and she took her first free breath with gratitude

.:this is the start of something good, dont you agree? i havent felt like this in so many moons--you know what i mean? so, if you want to be with me, you'll have to follow through with every word you say. and i, all i really want is for you to stick around, i'll see you everyday...but you have to follow through:.

i was sure i was right before--then i had to live for the next 4 days. it was not a "right" feeling. just a lonely, sad, miserable gut feeling that i made a mistake; not something new and different to me.  i'm not myself alone. i'm not how i want to be when i dont have you around--i dont laugh, i dont smile, i dont feel good about myself...i feel like that loser no one wants to be around. i dont particuarly enjoy that...go figure.  you make me happy.  you make me feel special, because i know i am to you--thats all that really matters to me.  no one looks at me the way you do...and no one makes me giggle like a kid all the way home when i see you either. only you. i dont want that to change, and i'm glad it wont. basically--i feel like a pretty hot plate of you know what when i'm with you because i know you adore me, and that makes me adore you more than ever.

[we're better together]

favorite damien rice

Nothing unusual, nothing's changed
Just a little older that's all
You know when you've found it,
There's something I've learned
'Cause you feel it when they take it away

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
Still I can't SAY what's going on

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on

 

I wanna hear what you have to say about me
Hear if you're gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
I remember december
And I wanna hear what you have to say about me
Hear if you're gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
What the hell do you want?

i wish i knew.

be brave

i am in utter awe.  i just read brave on the rocks  by sabrina ward harrison.  it's magical.  i cant describe it to you, go to sabrinawardharrison.com to see excerpts from it.  she is a fantasticly original and expressive artist and her work is thrilling to me.  i adore every bit of it....it's complex and real and emotional and true.  it makes me stop and seriously think about where i want to go in life and what i want to do with what bit of talent i posess.  who do i want to be? how can i heal? we all know i'm not in a good place. in a wrong spot. hurting. i want to heal. to be able to express what i feel in that way. to create freely and tocreate from my heart and know that it's true and right and beautiful. to feel beautiful and to feel joy when i look at what i've done.  do know that what i am is perfect because what i am has never been nor ever will be again. that i am unique and wonderful and poetic and graceful and full up with love and life and happiness. i want to heal. to feel like i can do anything, like i'm good enough, like i can fly. i want to cry tears of joy, not sorrow. sing of peace and contentment that i find in life. i want to explore and travel and discover who i am and find myself. be full up with myself.

i want to live. heal. feel.

I remember it well, the first time i saw your head round the door cuz mine stopped working

it's all mixed up, lost in the haze.  i thought this was over, i thought i'd lost.  you'll never understand what it feels like to have you.  there arent words to tell you, no voice to say what needs to be uttered. i dont undertsand everything--its all so confusing.  this mask that we hide behind--the bubble we huddle in.  it's all been revealed.

i guess He's there afterall

its been a pretty horrendous few weeks. brookie and philip made the weekend better but beyond that my head has pretty much been filled with a bunch of crap. i just feel terrible. i've been depressed and sad and i'm getting sick so i feel lethargic and tired all the time. my eyes are puffy form my sinuses and from crying. its just not an enjoyable way to roam the earth. it's bad when people you've never even spoken to ask you if you're having a bad day, "it's funny how you can just tell with some people" she says. funny would not be what i would deem it but, i know what she meant.

so i get to aerobics...which definitely was not making me any more optimistic...but i open my locker up and pull out my t-shirt and shoes, and as  i set the shirt on the table, a gold coin fell out.  i definitely never had a gold coin ever, much less did i put it in my locker, so i had, and i guess, have, no idea where it came from. but on each side of the coin there's an angel on a cloud engraved. and angel. and i think to myself, "that's a mighty ironic thing to have on a mysterious gold coin when i feel as sad as i do". and it is. it's very strange. i stuffed it in my pocket and basically forgot about it until just now. but as i look into her face--mind you it's rather small--i feel like she knows. she's here in my pocket for a reason. i dont know where she came from , but i know she's here because i need her. God put her in my path to comfort me. he wants me to know He's still there. that's a nicer thought than it just got mixed up in my stuff. You've done it again Man...

 

.:be still and know that i am God:.

          psalm 46:10

if anyone cand find Yellow Box sandals, i'll love them forever.  Gold. Singer style. 7 1/2. i've been searching all day

i adore them.

everything else i have to say is sad so i'll relieve you of it.