i dont get why you keep going back to a person you dont care about. just because they're there? to pass the time? why? why waste your time. it makes me sad to see you spend time on someone who doesn't matter.
i'm pretty sick of these dreams. i've never had so many nightmares in my life. ha, until like a year ago i'd never really even had one. now its like every week. not fun. i'm worried about my stress level, it's affecting my physically now..in more ways than one.
24.3.08
oh yeah
dreaming about cockroaches crawling all over me and ryan at his house last night was a super-duper way to start my day. holy crap. i dont think i actually slept all night...just rolled around while they were all over me. which makes me think there might have been one somewhere if i had such a random dream. or maybe it was a manifestation of my stress. lets go with that. thats way better than some rogue bug interfering with my REM cycle.
here we go again. ten weeks of bliss served up by your friendly neighborhood SCAD. riiighht.
so just looking at my syllabi for this quarter made me almost collapse into tears. the amount of work this damn school requires is absolutely ridiculous. although i could never actually attend a regular university--i'd probably have no friends nor any desire to wake up in the morning--i would love to have just the obligatory, "yeah i have a test and a paper to write this week." not the, "yeah, i have 3 facial studies to draw, then complete in oil, an in-class figure painting, make 3 models of objects and analyze and sketch out the elements and principles of design of each object on 6 different presentation boards whilst i master the fine art, no pun, of analyzing and understanding the exact purpose of Dadaism and why the hell stupid duchamp called an upturned urinal a flippin masterpiece. by the way, welcome kristina, welcome to your FIRST FREAKING WEEK of class."
oh the joys of the artistic realm. sometimes i wonder if i am truly masochistic or if its all just very ironic.
you looked nice yesterday, all except for the ugliest facial expression i have ever seen. but no surprise, i see it all the time. its for me, so i guess i should be used to it. but you look nice otherwise. i wonder if you even know why you're angry anymore. or if its just the comfort of having an outlet, the force of habit you've accustomed yourself to...since its pretty unfairly placed, or better yet, disproportional...maybe misplaced? all i know is its skewed. i just am not sure i see the distinction between the two. i guess i'm more fun. i'll turn it into a compliment. i just dont see why anyone would want to be so angry or hateful. seems like life would be nicer if you didnt have this thing in your life...the obligation of being unkind. i guess that just isnt how i am. and frankly, i'm too afraid to talk to you about it because you might seriously injure me. or try.
i have so much to do in the next few weeks. not even just with school. i have to be home so often i'm really afraid i wont be able to get my work done. but those are things i cant just opy out of. i dont necessarily want to opt out either, but it would be nice if i had a smaller number of things to worry about ontop of this fun new schedule i have going. and i'm afraid i will not be seeing much of you either, which i am not happy about. at all. i guess i need to take it one day at a time, but i think we all know thats pretty impossible for me. i need serious help. so hey God, help me not be a spaz. thankkksssss.
oh the joys of the artistic realm. sometimes i wonder if i am truly masochistic or if its all just very ironic.
you looked nice yesterday, all except for the ugliest facial expression i have ever seen. but no surprise, i see it all the time. its for me, so i guess i should be used to it. but you look nice otherwise. i wonder if you even know why you're angry anymore. or if its just the comfort of having an outlet, the force of habit you've accustomed yourself to...since its pretty unfairly placed, or better yet, disproportional...maybe misplaced? all i know is its skewed. i just am not sure i see the distinction between the two. i guess i'm more fun. i'll turn it into a compliment. i just dont see why anyone would want to be so angry or hateful. seems like life would be nicer if you didnt have this thing in your life...the obligation of being unkind. i guess that just isnt how i am. and frankly, i'm too afraid to talk to you about it because you might seriously injure me. or try.
i have so much to do in the next few weeks. not even just with school. i have to be home so often i'm really afraid i wont be able to get my work done. but those are things i cant just opy out of. i dont necessarily want to opt out either, but it would be nice if i had a smaller number of things to worry about ontop of this fun new schedule i have going. and i'm afraid i will not be seeing much of you either, which i am not happy about. at all. i guess i need to take it one day at a time, but i think we all know thats pretty impossible for me. i need serious help. so hey God, help me not be a spaz. thankkksssss.
14.3.08
you are so not on your A game babe.
thanks for basically saying to me, "kristina, i'll hang out with you tonight because i have nothing else more important to do. no one else has called with a better offer. so i guess you're ok. but if something does happen to come up in the middle of the evening i'm going to leave to do something more enjoyable than be with you."
what the hell. i dont know what you're problem has been the past few days, but its not cool. and its getting old reaaaaaallll fast.
have fun while i'm in orlando.
what the hell. i dont know what you're problem has been the past few days, but its not cool. and its getting old reaaaaaallll fast.
have fun while i'm in orlando.
10.3.08
3 more days. the worst 3 ever. the smaller number doesnt make them suck any less.
i feel heavy. like the whole world is on my shoulders. i have finals, which yeah sucks but it'll be over soon. right now it feels like it will never end--daunting, endless. but its so much more than that.
i just feel like i'm working so hard----killing myself----and i dont know WHY. i dont know what i want. i have no real, concrete direction for my life. i'm just floating around. i'm scared. i feel guilty all the time. like i'm just wasting time and money. lots of it. trying so hard to find my place, i just have no idea where exactly my place is. or where to find it. or how. or if i will. i will, it just doesnt feel that way.
theres so much i want to do and try and experience and i cant do it all, and i cant decide. and i feel like....i dont know. i'm so afraid of deciding on a path, and then getting there, doing something, and just falling on my face. like, yeahh! whoo i finally picked a future, awesome, i'm not wasting peoples time and money anymore. i have direction....oh wait, i sucked miserably at it--i picked wrong. and i spent all this time trying to get to where i want to go and BAM! i just fail. abysmally. totally. and then i've gone and wasted time and disappointed everyone all over again without even meaning to, thinking i was doing so well, thinking i had it together. and i didnt.
i dont know why i feel this incredible need to just be so impressive and successful and great, put together, savvy, perfect. but i do. i feel like nothing else is good enough. like i wont be good enough if i cant get it together NOW, choose NOW, be wonderful and great and this amazing prodigy NOW. and it feels horrible. and i worry myself sick and stress out and just KILL MYSELF trying to be this thing. this nonexistent perfect being. and its horrible. and i dont know how to stop and shut up and let things happen. i dont know where this awful, terrible fear of not being good enough comes from. but its there, and its eating me from inside. because i cant live that way. i will never be perfect, so i'll spend my whole life reaching for the unacheivable. running towards this nonexistent happiness, this idyllic life that doesnt exist.
it isnt even about jobs and career goals, school or majors, its just everything. like, if i'm not perfect enough, if i cant be pretty enough, fit enough, funny enough, charming enough, brave enough people wont like me. and i hate it when people dont like me. thats horrible. even if i dont like them. i still freaking care what they think and i shouldnt. people who arent worth my time, or my energy, my concern, i give a damn what they think when they dont matter. and i cant stop. i find this amazing man, this perfect person, perfect for me, who makes me smile and laugh and feel beautiful and makes me feel good about myself in every way, who appreciates me and treats my like im the only woman that exists--this amazing person, and i'm afraid i'm just not good enough for him. like if i cant be perfect, if i make one mistake, he wont love me anyone. and that isnt good. and its also completely untrue. because i AM. i AM GOOD ENOUGH. and i'm sick of people treating me like i'm not, of making me feel like i'm not worth loving, not worth caring about if i dont do this with you, if i dont want you saying that to me, i want you to treat me with some f-ing respect. like thats too much to ask. well it isnt. i'm sick of dating people, caring about people and realizing they never cared, not the way they should have. like I DID SOMETHING WRONG. like it's MY FAULT you couldnt get it together. you couldnt grow up, or whatever it is. i didnt do anything, but i still feel like its my fault.
i dont know why. all i remember when i feel like this is mrs. collins telling my in sunday school one morning that i'm not important enough to have everything in the world be my fault. which sucked. that made me feel so vain and horrible. but its true. just harsh. i dont know why i cant ignore what jerky people say, what people who dont really know me think of me, of what people who DO know me think...because it doesnt matter. it really doesnt. but i cant get that concept into my brain. i cant accept that. and i dont know how to make myself. i shouldnt care if some jerk thinks i'm a stupid whore who is selfish and immature and a complete bitch. WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK. i shouldnt. i dont want to. for a long time i didnt care about crap like that. or maybe i just ignored how much it hurt me. i dont really know anymore. stupid counselling. part of me wishes i never went, then i could just ignore my stupid problems and it wouldnt suck so much to realize how freaking insecure and pathetic i really am.
i never knew i had such crappy self esteem. i mean i like myself, i think i'm pretty, funny, i know i;m a nice and good person, i genuinely care about other people, i want to make the people i love happy. i want to make ME happy. but the second someone says something negative about me i shut down and accept it immediately. like maybe i was just wrong about how nice iam. maybe i am a bitch. and i think of every mean thing i've ever said and chide myself. i cant remember a single good thing i've ever done in that moment. even the greatest people on earth had their moments, why cant i? why am i not allowed to make mistakes? i should be. everyone else can. i just hate that i allowed myself to get this way. and i dont know how it got so bad. i know when it started, i just never knew how much it affected me until recently.
i dont know how i got you babe, but i did. and i dont think i could ever be happier about anything in my entire life. because i dont know anyone really, besides maybe momma and daddy or natalie that can take me when i'm screaming and angry and just want to give up, and cry, because even they cant always...i dont know anyone who can make me feel like it isnt really over. things will be ok. and i just have to take a few more steps, i just have to hold on a little longer and the sun will come back out and things will be ok again. you do that. and i love you very much for putting up with me when even i dont like how i'm acting, when i'm embarassed by my behavior, you're still there. and i know you arent going anywhere.
i just feel like i'm working so hard----killing myself----and i dont know WHY. i dont know what i want. i have no real, concrete direction for my life. i'm just floating around. i'm scared. i feel guilty all the time. like i'm just wasting time and money. lots of it. trying so hard to find my place, i just have no idea where exactly my place is. or where to find it. or how. or if i will. i will, it just doesnt feel that way.
theres so much i want to do and try and experience and i cant do it all, and i cant decide. and i feel like....i dont know. i'm so afraid of deciding on a path, and then getting there, doing something, and just falling on my face. like, yeahh! whoo i finally picked a future, awesome, i'm not wasting peoples time and money anymore. i have direction....oh wait, i sucked miserably at it--i picked wrong. and i spent all this time trying to get to where i want to go and BAM! i just fail. abysmally. totally. and then i've gone and wasted time and disappointed everyone all over again without even meaning to, thinking i was doing so well, thinking i had it together. and i didnt.
i dont know why i feel this incredible need to just be so impressive and successful and great, put together, savvy, perfect. but i do. i feel like nothing else is good enough. like i wont be good enough if i cant get it together NOW, choose NOW, be wonderful and great and this amazing prodigy NOW. and it feels horrible. and i worry myself sick and stress out and just KILL MYSELF trying to be this thing. this nonexistent perfect being. and its horrible. and i dont know how to stop and shut up and let things happen. i dont know where this awful, terrible fear of not being good enough comes from. but its there, and its eating me from inside. because i cant live that way. i will never be perfect, so i'll spend my whole life reaching for the unacheivable. running towards this nonexistent happiness, this idyllic life that doesnt exist.
it isnt even about jobs and career goals, school or majors, its just everything. like, if i'm not perfect enough, if i cant be pretty enough, fit enough, funny enough, charming enough, brave enough people wont like me. and i hate it when people dont like me. thats horrible. even if i dont like them. i still freaking care what they think and i shouldnt. people who arent worth my time, or my energy, my concern, i give a damn what they think when they dont matter. and i cant stop. i find this amazing man, this perfect person, perfect for me, who makes me smile and laugh and feel beautiful and makes me feel good about myself in every way, who appreciates me and treats my like im the only woman that exists--this amazing person, and i'm afraid i'm just not good enough for him. like if i cant be perfect, if i make one mistake, he wont love me anyone. and that isnt good. and its also completely untrue. because i AM. i AM GOOD ENOUGH. and i'm sick of people treating me like i'm not, of making me feel like i'm not worth loving, not worth caring about if i dont do this with you, if i dont want you saying that to me, i want you to treat me with some f-ing respect. like thats too much to ask. well it isnt. i'm sick of dating people, caring about people and realizing they never cared, not the way they should have. like I DID SOMETHING WRONG. like it's MY FAULT you couldnt get it together. you couldnt grow up, or whatever it is. i didnt do anything, but i still feel like its my fault.
i dont know why. all i remember when i feel like this is mrs. collins telling my in sunday school one morning that i'm not important enough to have everything in the world be my fault. which sucked. that made me feel so vain and horrible. but its true. just harsh. i dont know why i cant ignore what jerky people say, what people who dont really know me think of me, of what people who DO know me think...because it doesnt matter. it really doesnt. but i cant get that concept into my brain. i cant accept that. and i dont know how to make myself. i shouldnt care if some jerk thinks i'm a stupid whore who is selfish and immature and a complete bitch. WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK. i shouldnt. i dont want to. for a long time i didnt care about crap like that. or maybe i just ignored how much it hurt me. i dont really know anymore. stupid counselling. part of me wishes i never went, then i could just ignore my stupid problems and it wouldnt suck so much to realize how freaking insecure and pathetic i really am.
i never knew i had such crappy self esteem. i mean i like myself, i think i'm pretty, funny, i know i;m a nice and good person, i genuinely care about other people, i want to make the people i love happy. i want to make ME happy. but the second someone says something negative about me i shut down and accept it immediately. like maybe i was just wrong about how nice iam. maybe i am a bitch. and i think of every mean thing i've ever said and chide myself. i cant remember a single good thing i've ever done in that moment. even the greatest people on earth had their moments, why cant i? why am i not allowed to make mistakes? i should be. everyone else can. i just hate that i allowed myself to get this way. and i dont know how it got so bad. i know when it started, i just never knew how much it affected me until recently.
i dont know how i got you babe, but i did. and i dont think i could ever be happier about anything in my entire life. because i dont know anyone really, besides maybe momma and daddy or natalie that can take me when i'm screaming and angry and just want to give up, and cry, because even they cant always...i dont know anyone who can make me feel like it isnt really over. things will be ok. and i just have to take a few more steps, i just have to hold on a little longer and the sun will come back out and things will be ok again. you do that. and i love you very much for putting up with me when even i dont like how i'm acting, when i'm embarassed by my behavior, you're still there. and i know you arent going anywhere.
7.3.08
scaredy cat
Achluophobia- Fear of darkness.
Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns.
Glossophobia- Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak.
Merinthophobia- Fear of being bound or tied up.
Myctophobia- Fear of darkness.
i couldnt find one about being abducted, but thats another insane and pretty cripling fear i have, combined with the dark i am a mess.
i'm so scared of someone being in the house, in the dark, waiting to grab me. just hiding right out of sight, just around the corner, in the darkness ahhhhh, right behind me but i cant see. petrified. i cant watch movies with that crap in them, i practically cry. every single solitary day of my life i'm afraid when i['m alone in even the semi-darkness. i hate it. i wish it was sunny all the time, nothing bad happens in the sun. or at least you see it coming.
also--no basements. ever. period. i will not be silence of the lambs 2 thanks.
Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns.
Glossophobia- Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak.
Merinthophobia- Fear of being bound or tied up.
Myctophobia- Fear of darkness.
i couldnt find one about being abducted, but thats another insane and pretty cripling fear i have, combined with the dark i am a mess.
i'm so scared of someone being in the house, in the dark, waiting to grab me. just hiding right out of sight, just around the corner, in the darkness ahhhhh, right behind me but i cant see. petrified. i cant watch movies with that crap in them, i practically cry. every single solitary day of my life i'm afraid when i['m alone in even the semi-darkness. i hate it. i wish it was sunny all the time, nothing bad happens in the sun. or at least you see it coming.
also--no basements. ever. period. i will not be silence of the lambs 2 thanks.
4.3.08
blow it all away.
Its coming on christmas
Theyre cutting down trees
Theyre putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it dont snow here
It stays pretty green
Im going to make a lot of money
Then Im going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby cry
He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
Im so hard to handle
Im selfish and Im sad
Now Ive gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I made my baby say goodbye
Its coming on christmas
Theyre cutting down trees
Theyre putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
river, joni mitchell.
Theyre cutting down trees
Theyre putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it dont snow here
It stays pretty green
Im going to make a lot of money
Then Im going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby cry
He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
Im so hard to handle
Im selfish and Im sad
Now Ive gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I made my baby say goodbye
Its coming on christmas
Theyre cutting down trees
Theyre putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
river, joni mitchell.
3.3.08
i'm done working tonight.
i am always prompted to fill these out. i dont know why.
Last Car Ride: to ex libris to buy pen tips, 0.18 to be exact. they didnt have any.
Last Kiss: saturday night.
Last Good Cry: winter retreat, being moved by God and receiving the hate around me.
Last Library Book: i dont do the library. i purchase.
Last book bought: like i remember, i buy millions. um. the complete works of jane austen in a leather-bound edition, plus all her novels in seperate volumes. i'm a freak. i know. i want a button or something to advertise it.
Last Book Read: reading velvet elvis now. by rob bell. before that, the last one i finished was some james patterson novel. i think.
Last Movie Seen in Theatres: be kind rewind. dont see it.
Last Movie Rented: becoming jane, and american gangster, for which i returned the empty box not realizing the dvd was in my tv. oops.
Last Beverage Drank: milk + dark chocolate instant breakfast. or orange soda, i dont remember which was first.
Last Food Consumed: nasty frozen dinner, followed by delicious and quite edible pizza rolls.
Last Crush: ryan james richter. he's also the current crush.
Last Phone Call: the last call i received was from ryan, the last call i made was to...nadine.
Last TV Show Watched: dont remember. but since i got home sunday afternoon i have viewed 4 movies. Notting Hill, The Wedding Planner, Harry Potter and the order of the phoenix, and my big fat greek wedding. gotta have something to keep me sane while i trace trace trace my floor plans
Last Time Showered: last night at 10 pm
Last Shoes Worn: the red fuzzy slippers currently residing on my feet
Last CD Played: iTunes--mae. see above
Last Item Bought: 2 copic pens and cold-press linseed oil
Last Download: do you feel-the rocket summer
Last Annoyance: being made fun of.
Last Disappointment: my sarcasm, and how sometimes it isnt so funny.
Last Soda Drank: today.
Last Thing Written: i wrote in my journal last night, but i was writing on my floor plan a few minutes ago. i dont consider that writing though.
Last Key Used: key to my apartment.
Last Words Spoken: hm. something about ryan and grape jelly.
Last Sleep: 6:45 this morning
Last Ice Cream Eaten: birthday cake with oreo
Last Chair Sat In: the seriously uncomfortable stool i've been slouching on for the last 6 hours.
Last Webpage Visited: besides this, livejournal and facebook. and some font website.
Last Car Ride: to ex libris to buy pen tips, 0.18 to be exact. they didnt have any.
Last Kiss: saturday night.
Last Good Cry: winter retreat, being moved by God and receiving the hate around me.
Last Library Book: i dont do the library. i purchase.
Last book bought: like i remember, i buy millions. um. the complete works of jane austen in a leather-bound edition, plus all her novels in seperate volumes. i'm a freak. i know. i want a button or something to advertise it.
Last Book Read: reading velvet elvis now. by rob bell. before that, the last one i finished was some james patterson novel. i think.
Last Movie Seen in Theatres: be kind rewind. dont see it.
Last Movie Rented: becoming jane, and american gangster, for which i returned the empty box not realizing the dvd was in my tv. oops.
Last Beverage Drank: milk + dark chocolate instant breakfast. or orange soda, i dont remember which was first.
Last Food Consumed: nasty frozen dinner, followed by delicious and quite edible pizza rolls.
Last Crush: ryan james richter. he's also the current crush.
Last Phone Call: the last call i received was from ryan, the last call i made was to...nadine.
Last TV Show Watched: dont remember. but since i got home sunday afternoon i have viewed 4 movies. Notting Hill, The Wedding Planner, Harry Potter and the order of the phoenix, and my big fat greek wedding. gotta have something to keep me sane while i trace trace trace my floor plans
Last Time Showered: last night at 10 pm
Last Shoes Worn: the red fuzzy slippers currently residing on my feet
Last CD Played: iTunes--mae. see above
Last Item Bought: 2 copic pens and cold-press linseed oil
Last Download: do you feel-the rocket summer
Last Annoyance: being made fun of.
Last Disappointment: my sarcasm, and how sometimes it isnt so funny.
Last Soda Drank: today.
Last Thing Written: i wrote in my journal last night, but i was writing on my floor plan a few minutes ago. i dont consider that writing though.
Last Key Used: key to my apartment.
Last Words Spoken: hm. something about ryan and grape jelly.
Last Sleep: 6:45 this morning
Last Ice Cream Eaten: birthday cake with oreo
Last Chair Sat In: the seriously uncomfortable stool i've been slouching on for the last 6 hours.
Last Webpage Visited: besides this, livejournal and facebook. and some font website.
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