i love that the combo of me + gold lamps makes you crap yourself in a spastic rage

You're a bitch. let's face the hard facts here. you are. you treat me like shit every single freaking day of my life and you dont even care. i cant say a single word without sarcastic not-so-under-your-breath mumbling from you and i'm so sick of it i could slap you. 400 times. hard. until you bleed your sympathies away. until you realize what you do to people--not even just me. i'm not the sole victim. i dont pretend to be. you hurt a lot of people with your bullshit and i'm tired 1. of being on the receiving end, and 2. watching it affect other people.

i hate you for making me cry. i do. its something that i cant really control right now--something "i need to get over and deal with" something "i cant let get to me" and it isnt like i choose to be hurt when you act like a PMSing 5 year-old who forgot her Ridalin, but...that's how i've been programmed to respond. when you're a baby and you get hurt you cry. so when i was little and you hurt me--i cried. simple enough. and i cant seem to help it. i dont like that i do it, i dont like the fact that you have control over me--but i also dont really know how to force myself to let it go.

i cant wait to be rid of you. of your little voice in my head, telling me i'm not worth anything, telling me i'll never be good enough, no one likes me, i'm a bitch, you wish i was dead. yep--lovely as those thoughts may seem to be, they suck hard and i'm pretty much ready to make them go away. i'm not blaming all of my problems on you. but most of them stem from you in some way. they do. i need everyone's approval and i have this need to be perfect for everyone and please everyone and do everything i can until i'm beyond exhaustion because you didnt love me. and i cant handle the fact that you dont act like you love me. so now i need everyone, even people i cant stand, i need them all to love me. I NEED TO LOVE ME. and i cant seem to break through the shrieks of "you suck" swirling in the vortex that is my head and see that i'm a good solid caring person who would live for you. not die...i wouldnt die for you. i'd live. i'd be alive and be active and do everything i could to make you love me again. isnt that sad? you'll never change and thats something that i know somehwere deep in my heart. i have a lot of trouble accepting this, but i know its true. you'll stay the way you are forever.

i've been hurt a lot. a whole lot. and everytime it was because i put faith into someone i wasnt sure i should, and i cared too much. and i got hurt everytime. i'm so afraid of being hurt i wont even talk to people i dont know. i'd rather sit alone, quiet and by myself reading a book while everyone stares and whispers at lunch than have to face the fact that if i let someone in they could hurt me. so i dont. i dont talk to people. i stay alone because even though it hurts, its safer than caring about anyone--because if you're alone people cant do this to you. people cant say that they love you and then leave. they cant have this affect on you. you cant get hurt when theres no one in your life left to be hurt by. if i stop letting you and you and you in--none of you can hurt me because i wont care about you. and even though optional alone sucks...it beats the hell out of being left alone.

i hate alone. thats why i hurt so much. i'm alone and it reverberates off the walls of my heart like a rave in my body gone bad. i was left alone, rejected by people i loved. i wasnt good enough anymore and so now i'm left here not knowing why you stopped caring about me. thats why i'm the way that i am. i was hurt too many times--and you know what...they didnt even have the decency to tell me why they left. that it wasnt actually my fault. but thats what i tell myself, how else am i supposed to rationalize it? i have nothing to tell meyslef, no explanation at all except that i must have screwed up somehow. you should have told me.

i just want to love myself.

i felt i needed to write a bit more

now that i've gotten situated and ready to let it out....i dont know what to say.

i burned the crap out of my fingers today--all ten of them. one in particular is nasty. it hurts like all getout. [dont turn on the wrong burner on the stove and touch the hot one, and dont pick pans up by the metal FYI]

i have an awful crick in my neck. i sleep on my neck funny i guess; it always hurts when i wake up...aways too tense i suppose.

i've noticed i speak quite differently in type than in speech. i use much more formal language typing, i sound smarter. i wish i could program my mouth in this way. cut out all the "likes" because we all know i use em too much...its like [there i go] i cant form a complete thought without them.

so, i wasnt a loser which i guess counts for something. i got 4 carnations. it was nice, but not special if you know what i mean. i mean sure--i'm glad i got some because it made me feel nice inside but i know they were all just from friends and just because..they didnt mean anything. i didnt get swept away, i didnt get much of anything but partially melted fingerprints to be honest. i felt better when i bought flowers for my sister and momma though--it was nice to make someone else's day  nicer. its just so damn depressing to watch other people walk around with all the crap their stupid boyfriends got them and to know there are so many people out in the world getting engaged, getting married, hearing their first "i love you" right now.

i dont want to hear, "it'll happen when the time is right." "its for the best" "everything happens for a reason"  those cliches do nothing for me. they were invented to help pathetic feeling people feel a little less pathetic. they serve no purpose but to remind us all that yes, we are indeed the screwed percentage of the population and yes, you are not. i've been living like this---->unhappily, miserably, and lone for so long...years. people forget this. its been years. plural. i am sick of being alone and unhappy. i dont really give a flying you know what if it's "going to be better soon" or that "its happening for a reason" because let me tell you something: it sucks harder than anything and i'm sick and damn tired of it. i dont deserve to live this way. i freaking deserve respect and love and i deserve to be someone's priority and i refuse to accept the fact that i havent had any of those things. they've been ripped away from me. i mean, i was bad off before this stupid guy entered my world...it was bad then. but then after i give in and actually allow myself to care about someone they go away and i dont know why and then i end up worse than when i started. things should be getting better, not worse. i dont want to hear that people understand how i feel or i'm strong and i'll get through this...you DONT know how i feel. i dont give a dman what you think you may know, you cannot fully relate to how i feel and why it is i feel the way i do because you arent me and never will be. you dont know what made me this way, and you wouldnt understand it even if you did. i cant "move on" "ignore what they say" or pretend it doesnt hurt everytime you call me a bitch , or when you [different you] smile at me and i know it wont ever mean the same thing. you will never know how it feels to grow up they way i did. you will never understand how i felt when he was ripped away from me. you arent me--you cant, wont, dont want to, couldnt possibly conceive it. it isnt "no one understands me, woe is me" its "i am not you, you are not me, we are different from each other, you cant understand how things affect me, you dont know how i feel"

^ this is not directed at a specific person, it is a general statement about everyone. sometimes i feel alone in rooms full of people i know. i cry for no reason. i cant control my moods, my reactions, my thoughts...i become consumed with pain i cant control or erradicate. in an instant----->i feel like i'm fading into nothing...becomming invisible.

people know i'm not ok. everyone knows i'm not ok. and i'm not. i'm not ok. i might be marginally more ok than i was months ago...but in the big scheme i am just generally not ok. and i havent been in years. years. i would give anything in the world to get rid of this ache forever. i'd give up food, join the army, move to africa, do the wall sit for hours...i would do anything to make the ache go away and stay away. gone. erased. but even when i'm doing everything i can to make it go away it feels like it just stays the same. almost everyday i feel the same. there are glimmers; little sparks where i can be ok. these are few and far between. but they exist. and yet they are not enough--not even close.

i dont want to be an empty-shelled person. i dont want people to pity me, look at me with puppydog eyes and pour on the sympathy. i want people to treat me like a person, like me. i'm sick, hurt, whatever you want to call it...thats what i am. you need to accept it and love me anyway. i love you and you all have your own problems. some i'm much more familiar with than others. some of your problems affect me more than you know. but despite how you affect me i try my damnedest to listen to you, to not get frustrated with you, to not believe you hate me. help me to not be empty shelled.

yes, i can see the lights when they break through, but no--they arent enough to split the darkness

for real...

welcome to my life:simple plan

this is a song...FYI--i believe there was some confusion

Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place? Like somehow you just don't belong And no one understands you Do you ever want to run away? Do you lock yourself in your room? With the radio on turned up so loud That no one hears you screaming No you don't know what it's like When nothing feels alright You don't know what it's like To be like me To be hurt, to feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down And no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like Welcome to my life Do you wanna be somebody else? Are you sick of feeling so left out? Are you desperate to find something more Before your life is over? Are you stuck inside a world you hate? Are you sick of everyone around? With their big fake smiles and stupid lies While deep inside you're bleeding No you don't know what it's like When nothing feels alright You don't know what it's like To be like me To be hurt, to feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down And no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like Welcome to my life No one ever lied straight to your face And no one ever stabbed you in the back You might think I'm happy But I'm not gonna be ok Everybody always gave you what you wanted You never had to work It was always there You don't know what it's like What it's like To be hurt, to feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down And no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like (what it's like) To be hurt To feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked When you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down And no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like Welcome to my life Welcome to my life Welcome to my life

i was fine until i had to walk away

it was a relatively good day. and yesterday was good. and this weekend was good. i was happy. it was so odd--i felt the way i used to feel. there wasnt this nagging in my chest. until i turned around and saw you walk by...then i felt the heat spread all over my face and the burn seep into my eyes--the knot form in my throat, my heart jump. and it was a good day, we were the same as we used to be for once; we talked to each other...you saw me, you listened to me and heard what i said. that's all i ever wanted. to talk. i just want to be near you. and things were normal. and then my face got hot again and i wanted to hide; i was embarassed. i was humiliated in front of people. and then i had to go...and something snapped. and as i walked away i felt something drag behind me...that nagging had come back--i couldnt stop the heat, dry my eyes, clear my throat. i just drove away and didnt look back, but i felt "back" comming to me. that hurt. i felt it follow behind me in the whisps of air that trailed after me.

but God...i'm so thankful i got two days of normalcy back. it gave me some peace. even if it goes away again, i'll still cry--but i'll be glad it came back at all.

happy singles awareness day...i miss my valentine

i dont want to see more than one person on the approach at a time ma'am...

wow...unless your desperate for some bitchin old school style, never ever go to mandarin bowl america. i've never been talked to like that in my life--before i even reserved a lane or paid them any money. customer service my a**.

besides that...birthday was awesooome. bowling laying down, spinning around, and backwards is so much more fun. and....i got a 102. i rock. [go natalie too for her 105]

thanks girls for making my first day of eighteen such a blast. i love you all forever.

gunna party like its your birthday, drink bacardi like its your birthday

WHOOO! i am so wired right now...i just got home from Jeff's awesome partay with my loves and i'm not tired at all. i dont want to waste a second of this. i'm actually happy. it's so surreal for me---i'm afraid if i sleep it'll go away.

by the way--kelly elise dunn is my hero. she came all the way to school just to bring my balloons and bows and to make me feel special even though shes sick. rock on lover--you're amazing.

tonight...[meaning like 18 hours from now tonight] is going to be so freaking amazing....like i'm not even kidding. i'm SO excited. dear God. i need this. i need this so bad i can taste it. this excitement, this happiness...i can feel it refreshing me.

and i now have enough cigarettes to last me a few months. not that i intend on smoking any of them. ha. you guys make me laugh--i love you all. [plan x]

.:its my birthday and i'll be happy if i want to damnit:.

i still wish you'd fought me til your dying day, dont let me get away...

so over the course of the last 36 hours i've seen more stupid teenage romances end happily ever after in movies i could puke. i never realized how bitter i was. no--scratch that. i did know, it just hadnt been "unleashed" in a while. movies are so very unrealistic. nothing like that ever happens in real life. i guess thats why its a movie, but still. i'm so jealous. all the time. i envy everyone. from my best friends' 1-3 year anniversaries to the stupid two week freshman romances...i envy them all. people complain so much. i mean really..."oh my gosh my boyfriend didnt call me" "he was acting weird" blah blah blah blah....seriously...you have a guy that loves you even if he isnt amazing all the time. get over it. at least you have someone you can share those cute special moments with. you have someone you can call when you need to talk, when you're excited, when you miss them...you have it and you dont realize how lucky you are.

its miserable. this feeling in my tummy. in my bones. under my skin. i cant make it go away. to just feel this sadness, this ache...this longing. you'd give anything to have him, to just have him back and have eveything be the way it was. to know he still loved you. not he liked you, not he kinda had a crush on you--that he still loved you. that he still felt the way he used to. to want to give anything to know you still mattered in his life, you meant something to him. and to know that things wont ever be the same, to know he wont ever love you again, to know you might not have mattered quite as much as you used to think you would. to know that you finally found your very first honest, true, and real love. you found the person you finally were able to fully open up to after all the tries and fails you met before him. all the times you wanted to love but couldnt quite get it right. but then you found it, you found him and he literally stole the breath out of your lungs and made your head dizzy with happiness. you found the guy that made you giggle to yourself the entire drive home after seeing him. the one who made your tummy do cartwheels just by walking into the room, and making you weak in the knees when he blew you little kisses when you both thought no one was looking, and even doing it when people were. to find the person who could come sit next to you as you cry, put his arms, around you, kiss you and tell you it was going to be ok and that he wasn't going to leave...and then just sat, holding you, waiting for you to be ok again. and then after all of that, watching him slowly pull away...slowly start to fall out of love. to have all of that disintegrate right in front of your eyes and be powerless to stop it, much less understand why it was happening. to watch the first person you ever truly opened up to and loved wholly just walk away. to have them leave. to go everyday knowing it's over and you cant fix it, and you dont know what happened. just imagine it. feeling so lonely every night as you think of things you could have done better, or things you could have stopped doing. trying to figure out what was wrong with you, why you werent good enough for him...why he stopped caring. not knowing how to act when he's around now, because all you want is to be near him, to talk to him...because you genuinely want to know how he is and what his life is like. you want to hear his voice and watch him joke around with hid friends and act like a totaly nerd because thats why you love him in the first place. you want him to be happy without you. you want him to have the world even if it means you arent a part of it. you just want to hold onto whatever little bit of him you can. and it scares you to death to think about what will happen later. to know that you'll never fully get over him, that there will always be a small part of you that loves him even after years have passed and miles have made their way between you. that this heartache is all you know, and you cant make it stop. you cant move forward and you cant get any deeper in the hole than you already are. you're so afraid of never resurfacing, of never finding what you're looking for. just imagine that.

and you were upset that he forgot to call....