tomorrow, tomorrow, i love ya tomorrow....

tomorrow could possibly be the best day i've had in months.

ooh lordy. new shirts, haircuts...and lookin good.

this morning was nice. very nice. i miss things being how they were. just hanging out, talking, joking. its fun. and, we both looked rather nice i must add. haha.

i feel like a loser because the only things on my christmas list are school supplies and books. cool. ehh whatever. its what i like. and i really need to get over my red fettish. red slippers, flats, swedish fish, skittles, starbursts, glitter, lipstick, jewlery, everythingggg. gold and red are where its at yo. get with the times. or, i'm just obsessed so christmas is perfect for me.

i'm over presents. i like to make presents but i'm out of creative juice. i'm ready to veggggg out, and not do artistic things. and i hate buying presents for people. not i hate giving presents, i love it, but i hate buying things,or giving money because its so impersonal. if you buy a thoughtful gift thats one thing, but usually people just buy you crap so they dont feel guilty. maybe i'm just a little cynical. whatever.

ahhh so excited about john mayer. lord. i just love him. he's so good. anyone who says he isnt is just naive. seriously. you cant say he isnt good. going against the grain JUST to go against the grain is the most irritating thing to me ever. which is what half our school does. cool. everyone has to be a little more different than the next person. it isnt a contest. i just dont get it. be you. if people dont like it that sucks but if they dont like you why would you want to hang out with them? whatever.

sometimes i feel like i should keep my opinions to myself. i feel like when i meet people they get this really bad impression of me.  i just feel very strongly about...well everything basically. but i feel like it comes across in a negative way which i dont want to do. oh well. having opinions is good. makes me more interesting. [maybe i just tell myself these things to feel better.]

i'm just rambling now....and House is on. so peace.

wow, that man is really angry. he's really pissed, taste the air, you can taste it in the air.

it aboslutely amazes me everytime i see you. everytime you open your mouth, i'm stunned.

i've never met another human being so self absorbed as you in my entire life. someone so completely and utterly childlike and irresponsible it floors me.  someone so spoiled that they cant even COMPREHEND the extent of their own absurdity. 

you sit there, on the dirty, hairy, dusty floor and look me straight in the eyes and lie to me expecting me to believe you. look me right in the face and say, "i never use anything of yours without asking." when i JUST not 5 minutes ago put my handmade mirror away, scrape the paint off my radio remote, and re-insert the now scratched cd into its player. when i go to my makeup drawer and find my MAC eye shadow that i havent touched half empty, or find that my second bottle of shampoo is mysteriously almost gone when i barely use any at all, or when my brand new bottle of soap has significantly less in it when i come back that weekend [and i havent opened it yet], when i find you letting someone else use my computer, when i know YOU GOT ON MY COMPUTER AND READ MY PERSONAL CONVERSATIONS WITH MY FAMILY, when you vacuum while someone in the room is sleeping and then blame it on me because i asked you to, when you leave your dirty trash all over the room for weeks for everyone else to clean up, when you do homework all weekend and let it flood our entire floor so throughouly that there isnt even walking space, when you turn the TV on while someone is asleep, when you drink the last of my soda while i'm gone so that i have nothing to drink all week, when you eat the food i've brought from home, when you open your mouth to give a completely ludicris excuse for every single one of these things.....i want to slap you and ask how the hell you survived infancy.

i've never met anyone else in my life who was so thouroughly convinced of their own innocence, who was so quick to blame every ounce of their own incompetence on someone else's bitchiness and not take an ounce of blame for their own behavior. who uses the excuse: i dont have money, [when you spend it all on food and clothes and not on the things you "borrow" every freaking day from us], or you "dont have time to clean up after yourself" [even though you watched a movie last night with people, or go out on the weekends], or "you're just messy" [i dont give a shit. i'm not living in YOUR mess. clean it up]. i love that you cry to everyone about what ia bitch I am, ME, because i actually am the only person to ever call you out and make you accountable for your lack of responsibility, make me sound like this terrible cruel person for asking you to do YOUR DAMN JOB. [which is to keep your hands off everyone's crap but yours, and to keep your crap in your area.] yep, for asking you to have even an OUNCE of respect for anyone in this closet they call a room or their things, EXPENSIVE things that you feel entitled to.

i dont feel bad for you, maybe people let you manipulate them into feeling bad for you and pitying your low [which they arent] circumstances and cutting you some slack, but i'm not. everyone else here has the same responsibilites you now have and everyone else has to deal with the them exact same way you have to. so learn how to do it without bitching and moaning.

no, you cant just switch shifts with whoever you want whenever you want at work, its unprofessional, they arent there to cater to you. you are there to work for them, and you do what they tell you to do when they tell you to do it. dont make your manager sound like a bitch for asking you to do your job properly. god, yep shes terrible for making you work when she asks you to. damn her. geez. yeah...r i g h t.

i thank god i have only a few hours left of dealing with your ridiculous shit. i'd rather have triplet-boys puking and pooping and crying 24-7 than deal with your crap.

i just wanna wake up.

i've decided something; now, whether i keep with it or not is a matter of debate, but i would like to think i'll be able to stick with it for the most part.

i want to do things to make me happy. i'm sick of doing everything for everyone else. i enjoy making people happy and i will always be that way----------->what i mean is i want to do things for myself too. i dont want to ONLY cater to everyone, because i deserve better. if i want ice cream after i eat an entire meal that was unhalthy, i will. i want it, so i;m going to do it. [i'm not saying i'm going to eat my way into obesitiy, but i'm not going to not let myself have certain things because i think i'll get fat some day in the future. as long as i dont get 70 lbs overweight and not suffocating in my own cholesterol, i'll eat what i damn well please.] if i want to go to a concert, then i will. if i want to go sky diving for my birthday, which i most definitely DO, then i will.

i dont want to get to 40 and realize i lived my whole life waiting for it to start, waiting for the "right time" to do this or that. i'm not saying i'll be completely carefree and not give a damn what happens tomorrow, but if an opportunity to do something good for myself presents itself, i dont want to let it slip by. i dont want to regret the way i live later on. it isnt worth it. what if i never get another chance to sky dive? gotta jump off that plane now!

---------->anyway, i just thought i'd share. this song by mae i'm listening to is about waking up with another person, but hearing him say "i just wanna wake up" over and over with such feeling, i totally forget what the song is supposed to be about and focus on what i hear. i dot want to walk through life alseep, not really seeing whats ahead of me.

.:i just wanna wake up:.

"...i die without you..."

i just miss you. i miss you every day, and every day i pretend i couldnt care less. and then, like today, it catches up with me and i catch myself looking at the pictures of us i have moved, hidden, put behind others, and it hits me how much i miss just talking with you. obviously i miss being with you, having you care about me, but its mostly just that i miss knowing you're only a few miles away, knowing that i can call you if i need to, or just want to, knowing you want to talk to me too, knowing ou miss me. i dont know those things anymore.

i love that we talked normally, but it just made me miss you even more. seeing you, even for two minutes, makes everything ok for a while. having you talk to me, its like "whoa. that was good. i remember that." i just wish we could be friends. i just wish that not being together hadnt screwed up one of the best friendships i ever had. that i still had my best friend, but i dont now.

i hate having an awesome day, reaching for the phone, and remembering i shouldnt be calling you to tell you about it. thats an awful feeling. i hate stupid unspoken little rules about how you should act after something like that. its so dumb. i hate having everyone yell at me and tell me you're an immature asshole, telling me i'm not allowed to talk to you, i'm not allowed to want to see you play football, or basketball when the time comes]. well---------->F you, you cant tell me how i'm allowed to feel, what i'm allowed to do. it makes me so angry.

i'm angry with you for sdoing what you did, no question. but it wasnt the action, so much as the execution. you could have handled the situation so much better. we could have talked about it, you could have SAID it to me, you could have seen me. could have done so many little things. but maybe thats just it-------->you couldnt. i know you cant handle me being away, and thats ok. i dont expect you to be able to deal with it, you've never dealt with anything like that before and its hard as hell. and its ok. you arent ready, and i understand that completely, no mater how much it hurts. i guess i just expected you to be able to handle it better, the whole , "lets break up" thing. you lied to me. breaking this off has nothing to do with how you feel about me, and i think whether you realized it then, or now for that matter, deep down you know it isnt true. it had nothing to do with not caring about me anymore.

i understand better than anyone that it hurts to have a situation like this, helloooo, i was in it with you. and i know you dont let people in, and i know you deal with things in your own way, which is ultimately, blocking me out. i know, because i have done it to you before, and you to me. we've been through this before. and its so much easier to turn off all emotion for a person than to face the fact that even though you love someone you cant be with them. i know. but you could have just told me. you could have said, i just cant do this, but it has nothing to do with not caring about you. i guess that was too hard. i understand all of it, i just wish we could be honest with each other.

God, i just miss you. nothing more, nothing less. i just miss you.

.:i'm in repair, i'm not together, but i'm getting there:.
                                    ---------------->john mayer.

i'll never get over you walkin away...to hell with my pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes.

there i was, ten years old
waiting in my room for him to come home
and i just knew he'd be so mad
though i begged momma not to, she told my dad

there was no denying i let him down
but instead of being angry
he put his arms around me and said:
in the sunlight or the rain
brightest nights ☀ or darkest days ☁
i'll always feel the same way
whatever road you may be on
know you're never too far gone
my love is there, wherever you may be
just remember that you'll always be my baby

there i was, twenty-one
oh i was so ashamed of what i'd done
on a country road, parked one night
what started out so innocent crossed the line

there was no denying i let God down,
but instead of being angry
He let His love surround me and i heard:

in the sunlight or the rain,
brightest nights ☀ or darkest days ☁
i'll always feel the same way
whatever road you may be on
know you're never too far gone
my love is there, wherever you may be
just remember that you'll always be my baby.

---sara evans.