the last few days have been great. school is out, summer is here, tour is in a week--i've had a great time hanging out with my friends and having nothing to worry about. its such a nice feeling.
i have to prep myself for 20 days without you. it'll be hard. i'm going to miss you. it'll be a test for the summer. we're strong, it'll be ok.
it doesnt feel like its time for tour yet--i have to make a list of stuff i need. thats crazy. shopping anyone?
so--my studying for 3 straight days for my anatomy final paid off--i got a 95! and, i got the highest grade of anyone in all the anatomy classes...how sweet is that? i was super thrilled--who cares about the others? i whooped that one's buttocks.
life is sweet when those things happen.
i'm the proud new owner of a personalized david henderson cd. it really means a lot to me that you took the time to sit down and write me a letter--it means even more to me to know you sat down and created a whole cd for me. you're a great friend and i appreciate everything you do--you're one super star
you really dont know what you're words have meant to me. i know things arent as they once were, but you've never stopped being nice to me and you never resented me. thats a lot to ask in that particular circumstance. your prayers and kind words mean the world to me, to know someone cares and to know that someone else knows what i'm feeling is special. hearing someone tell me that i--me--changed their life, thats powerful. knowing that i could help you become the guy that you are now makes me feel like i'm worth something--that i've accomplished some small piece of greatness. you always were good to me, and you've never turned your back on me. you sound beautiful.
this week has been good--things have moved along smoothly. perfectly amazing. and the weekend is looking mighty promising as well. i really appreciate everyone's support of me, you all are special blessing and i love each and every one of you. a special thank you to the people who sent me cards/letters--knowing someone took the time to sit down and write me something is something i treasure. your words are priceless.
.:as we come today, we remind ourselves of what we do. that these songs are not just songs, but signs of love for You:.
i know my testimony was sent from God, He wanted me to speak. i see that now--i thought it before, now i know it. all the feedback i got--all the support i have received, God truly spoke through my words and through natalie's recetations. there were so many people touched by what was said. scary as it was--i was set apart that Sunday for a Purpose greater than i could have imagined. i know He has used me; i am the clay...He is the sculptor. i was sculpted into something beautiful for everyone to see...for th egreater good. my discomfort led to so much relief. i want to thank everyone who has encouraged me in any way over the last few months---every single one of you. you are all special gifts from God, and i love you all dearly.
.:Turn your gaze to heaven and raise a joyous noise. The sound of salvation come, the sound of rescued ones and all this for a King, angels join to sing all for Christ our king. O praise Him, O praise Him, He is holy, He is holy:.
i want to thank you from the bottom of my heart--i dont know anyone else who would have taken control of me speech that fast and who would have been there for me as much as you have in the last few days. you're truly a gift from God and i'm so blessed to have such an amazing friend. PS: momma loves you too.
this is my testimony--i couldnt say it so i figured i'd post it at least for anyone who wanted to read it or didnt understand it all through my tears.
We go through life everyday, never knowing what's "ahead" or what we're in for, and yet, ironically, most of us live in a very routine fashion. For a long time, my approach to Church has been pretty similar. If it was Sunday, i went to Sunday School--that's what we're supposed to do and thats what i had always done. I think we all find ourselves at one time or another just "going through the motions" of church: sitting through the service waiting for a biscuit or a bagel, reciting the Lord's prayer, and going to Sunday School. But when we recite the Lord's Prayer, how often do we truly pray it from our souls and think about what it is we are saying to God? I know most of the time I don't think about it--I have even gotten to the point now where i wont even say it unless I’m truly praying it to God rather than just saying it out of obligation.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
I dont know how long i had been in my "rut" when i realized i was in one, but the realization hit me at the end of fall last year. I began to realize that even though i loved church and i believed in God, i was stuck in a place where i wasn't spiritually growing. My initial response was, "I can handle this--it'll be fine in a month or two." So, i tried to be more focused at bible studies and really hear what God was trying to tell me.<o:p></o:p>
So far--He hasn't spoken up. it's been 7 months and God has remained completely silent. I go to church, youth, and bible studies, but i get nothing spiritual out of it. I feel like there is a crater in my soul, and all it ever does is sink lower. God is not and active part of my life. He's just...not there. I have been abandoned by Him--i feel utterly ignored.<o:p></o:p>
Psalm 91:14,16 reads, "The Lord says, ' I will rescue those who trust in my name. when they call on me, i will answer...and give them my salvation." Well--i dont know where God is, but he's not up in heaven rescuing me.<o:p></o:p>
I mean, is my life's only purpose to wander aimlessly around and never amount to anything? I can't believe that--I can't believe God has no other plan for my life. I'm angry at God, i'm hurting more than ever before, and i feel completely alone and obsolete. But the one thing that keeps me going is this: knowing God loves me and that even though i certainly dont know what it is, He has an awesome plan for me.<o:p></o:p>
Bryan asked me a profound question: "If you feel so lost and alone and abandoned, why dont you just quit? I mean, God deserted you, why not give up on Him too?" That really made me think. I mean, why am i still comming to church? why bother reading books on spirituality, purity, and renewing your faith in Christ? Why do I even bother seeking guidance from others?<o:p></o:p>
It's so simple: i know my life can be so much better than this. The only true way for me to find the answers i seek, the only way to see what God has in store for me is to work through my pain. <o:p></o:p>
Think about it: You could be living your life on "cruise control" and be going free. life is great --you're comfortable and happy. What's wrong with that? Doesn't God want me to be happy? Sure He does...BUT: How often do we think of other's needs when our lives are perfect? Do we ever need help? Do we ever [need God]? Why do we need God if nothing is wrong?<o:p></o:p>
That's exactly it--you wont feel a need for God if your life is perfect. Have you ever noticed you pray a lot more when you need something, rather than when you're content?<o:p></o:p>
So--if your life is perfect and you see no need for God, will you ever realize God may have something so much better in store for you? NO<o:p></o:p>
There is pain in the world when God takes things away from us, isn't there? Why do you think He does that? He doesnt take things away to torture us, He loves us enough to get rid of the things in our life that hold us back from being who He made us to be. God takes away in order to lead us wherever he needs us.<o:p></o:p>
This is a hard concept to grab a hold of--especially when you feel like i do--like God doesnt even remember you exist. But God gave me the gift of a yearnful heart. I have an intrinsic desire to know and love Him intimately. my pain is a warning. it is an indicator. my suffering tells me that God is preparing me for whatever purpose He has set before me.<o:p></o:p>
Yes--I feel alone and spiritually dead, but by working through my pain i know i'll end up being happier and feeling more fulfilled than i ever knew possible. <o:p></o:p>
I cant ever make it through this stage of my life without help. I have the courage to fight and not give up--but i dont have the strength to do it alone. God gave me the support i need in my parents, my youth director, and my friends. Without someone standing beside me--I won't ever make it. You know those people who are always happy, cheerful, and ecstatic about God? Have you ever wondered if they truly feel that way—I often wonder how many of those people are lost and afraid that no one will be able to relate to them. It’s a hard thing—talking about your struggles. Rarely do we discuss our inner fears and doubts openly, but isolating yourself is not the answer. If you have fears or doubts, I can almost guarantee you’re not alone. Talk to someone. Confide in a friend. And be willing to listen if someone comes to you with a problem. The only way any of us can overcome our struggles is to rely on each other—we have to build each other up. We all struggle, but together we can move from our present darkness into the light of God.
i'm not sure how to feel.
should i be happy? that doesn't seem to fit, in fact i know it doesn't. depressed? it's possible--even probable--but there are a few slivers of light floating around. then, i ask myself, what is it that i feel? what emotion has brought me to this state? i don't really care a bout a whole lot, and the things i do--or did--care about apparently dont matter. i just feel like nothing is worth investing my time or energy into--and the things that are end up blowing up in my face. what's the use? i cared. now it's all screwed over. it isnt carefree, it isnt simple, it isnt real.
i hope i dont get sick. i hope i can make it through without sweating my pores clean, stuttering my words, wanting to--and maybe actually--crying...deep breaths. focus. use your energy, i tell myself. you'll be alright. and then i realize the absurdity of my self reassurances. i am a performer, i can sing. i cannot do this. it's not me--it isnt in my comfort zone which is why, i suspect, i have been led here in the first place. mysteries, i have found, can often be mysterious.
She looks into my eyes and i'm alive again
And when she says goodbye, I just die again
That's when my restlessness begins
Please don't let it win
I'm so [tired] again
But underneath the haze
One thing still remains the same
She's the only love I've known
And now she's gone away
She's the light that brought me to the -edge-
Will i ever love again?
She walked into my life and my world was still
She .:reached into my soul and all my doubts were killed:.
That's when my loneliness subsided
She gave me the will,
I could fight it
But nothing can erase the one thing that remains the same
She's the only love I've known
And now she's gone away
She's the light that brought me to the edge
Will i ever love again?
So just tell me what i should do
I left everything for you
And i can't hardly breathe
'Cause i know i lost you from my world
From my...
She's the only love I've known
And now she's gone away
She's the light that brought me to the edge
Will i ever love again?
She's the only love I've known
And now she's gone away
She's the light that brought me to the edge
Will i ever love again??
the icing on the cake. i'm so scared about Sunday. i need Your help Lord, even though i can't feel You and You feel so far away--i know i'll never get through Sunday without You. please give me the strength i need to do what i need to do. thank You for giving me the tools to help me work through my problems. You've given me encouragement in the familiar and the unexpected, the knowledge that even though i'm lost that You havent deserted me, and enough hope to try and see if i can beat this. my feelings of abandonment, isolation, and loneliness are only temporary. You also blessed me with a searching heart Lord, one that yearns to be with You and know You intimately. i know that although i may feel small and forgotten, i have the most precious gift of all: parents and friends who love me--even if i am oblivious to their love at times. i never meant to hurt anyone. i never meant to cause anyone else pain or suffering or worry. i just don't really know precisely what's ailing me and how to fix it. i have the courage to try though--that's something i know is special and unique. i pray that you bless all those people who i love so dearly, but especially the ones You and i know especially need Your healing. please guide and be with those who also feel lost and alone; give them the reassuring peace that i know i will also find. watch over us God--guide us back to Your loving arms.
i love You-
-the broken one
it's unbelievable. a crazy thing. i know its for the best--but i wanted something. i wanted it. and now it's gone. i'll be alright; that's the only thing i know. i've done it many times before. but it just seemed so right. it seemed like everything would be ok again. it never works out that way. the things you think you want always have a way of surprising you, dont they? i had my doubts--thats always natural. i know this is what is best--but i miss it. do you miss it too? i dont want for things to be this way, but i guess i'll never get what i actually want. i apparently have no control over my own life--a fact i have come to accept but not respect in any way. we can't ever be the same. i think we both know that, no matter what is said the words left unspoken are far more powerful. i cry for you. for i know we can't ever be friends. and i feel alone.
an original:.
darkness unfolding, spreading like fog
a faint shimmer through the frost
i reach out, but i know it is already gone.
hello love.
i'm sorry i havent spoken to you in a while--life has been moving quickly and i'm struggling to keep up. how have you been? are you doing alright? thats good to hear. sadly, i did not enjoy Nicholas Sparks' most recent novel, True Believer. i am dissapointed to say the least. it seemed like nothing of great consequence happened. you know how you start a book and it takes about 2 or 3 chapters for things to get rolling? that anticipation you feel? thats how i felt the whole book. it might just be me, i dont know.
i bought the hardest 30 days of your life by justin lookadoo and not even a hint by joshua harris. i'm hoping that one of both of these books will help fill up the crater that has sunk itself in the middle of my life. i feel like my life is pretty much worthless...like i never really accomplish anything that matters. and i feel a million miles away from God. so maybe i can find a way to fill the holes...close the space.
.:Judy, could anyone be loved anymore than i love you? does it hurt you too? and Judy, i've been feeling small too long--i love you so, but somethings wrong. and i come running when you want me here--but when you want me to i disapear, Judy. and i cant do this any longer, the vaccum left is so much stronger, Judy:.
sorry for the lack of updates everyone. life for the most part has been a chaotic mess.
i have more work to do than i i've ever had in my life, all piled neatly into one WEEK. i'm going crazy trying to fit it all in--somehow i'm managing ok but its like yeah--teachers need to realize their class is most definitely not the only class a paper is due in. its ridiculous to me that every single class i'm in has had some sort of project due--but oh no we couldnt have done them at any point earlier in the year. we had to wait until EVERYONE else is assigning work too. oh JOY, RAPTURE, i have another paper due!
so...i'm still feeling pretty out of the loop as far as God and I are concerned. i asked my dad to order some books for me...maybe that will help me to find something to cling to. give me something to hope for--give me a purpose that i'm lacking. i know you say we're young and we dont have a purpose beyond school but i cant believe in that for myself. if all i'm worth are grades on a slip of paper then my life has meant nothing and i refuse to accept that. i just need to re-evaluate and re-group. but you're always there to help me and for that i thank you.
You never leave me, You're always there, i wont blink.
