sleep is a very fluid concept

man--last night was C-R-AZY. playing hide and seek in the dark when you're petrified of the dark is so not a smart idea, but it was fun. :) man--our last spot was genius. you know you're jealous. i've never been more uncomfortable than i was last night for those whole 5 minutes. haha--it was hilarious, and i was distracted by a certain someone...but it was...awkward to say the least. who knows why you meet the people you do, or why you run into them when you do, or why people say the things they say. its a  m y s t e r y .

so, i adore biancia. she's the sweetest girl ever. austin is a lucky guy. she's lucky too.

i'll never understand why people do such stupid things. why would anyone say that? it's none of your freaking business who did what or why, so just shut up and stop talking about it. theres a reason no one tells you anything. thats the reason.

i feel like i'm floating around, i dont know where i'm headed or where i've been, all i know is i dont feel a thing.

never quite there

i feel like i've been erased. my memory apparently never brought anything but depression and frusteration--so i was wiped out. clean. easy. efficient. i'm sorry that i caused you so much pain; sorry life was so bad for you with me in it. i hope someday that could change...that maybe you'll feel like you were happy when i was around one day. i wont hold my breath--but deep in the corner of my mind, i'm attatched to you. like it or not.

bucketball, i must say, is probably the best game ever invented. i'm a huge fan. my knees are not, sadly. haha--i guess being beastly doesnt always work out for everyone.  i have a new hole in the other leg of my famed "kristina, there's a hole in your jeans" jeans, and three nice, icky, sticky, painful rugburns to accompany it. oh well--you nevr notice the pain until the game is over anyway. that should be how everything is. no pain. until you're ready to recognize it. damn...parallels kill me.

my painting is comming along. i got sidetracked when i got home from tour...those mountains were the only thing in my head. so i  did a quick "mountain/rocky valley" painting to clear my head. now back to my orchids. girl's night is at church tonight, so i'm hoping to get a lot done there. the part that qorries me is the background. i've avoided it famously. i dont know how to go about it. and i'm running out of things to paint besides that. ill figure something out...i hope.

i love the rain. its such a soothing sound--to hear drips outside your window while you sleep. to know that rain's primary purpose is to bring life to everything outside, and to wash away all the junk in the world. to cleanse the outside and make it more beautiful. it's powerful...thunder is a comfort to me. i know i'm safe in the rain, i guess to some people that sounds silly because storms can kill you. but i've never felt that way about it. thunder for me is more of a Godly presence. His might and power and strength are represented in thunder, His cleansing love and grace are the rain, and His beauty and creation can be seen in the lightning. i love the rain.

i have a book fetish. i'm literally obsessed with books. i have just about 70, and i've read almost all of them...but more over..i've started every one. i go to the bookstore weekly if possible and i cant leave without buying something. i just bought Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk. i'm too afraid toread it at night..its supposed to be a little..intense? but, i havent finished Blue Like Jazz either. nor have i finished Pride and Prejudice, or Citizen Girl, Timeline, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Secret Window....the list goes on. i need to buck up and finish these babies.

until we meet again...

parallels...they always amaze me

"I suppose what I wanted back then is what every Christian wants, whether they understand themselves or not.  What I wanted was God.  I wanted tangible interaction.  But even more than that, to be honest, I wanted to know who I was.  I felt like a robot or an insect or a mysterious blob floating around in the universe.  I believed if I could contact God, He would be able to explain who and why I was."

--Don Miller, Blue like Jazz

that feels like something i have either written in a past life or something i could have easily written a few weeks ago.  thats exactly what i longed for--i even uttered those words. i wanted God to audibly interact with me. i felt alone, desolate, unimportant, in significant...i could go on and on. i didnt feel like God remembered me, heard me...was aware of me. He made it pretty clear a week and a half ago that--indeed--He still knows who i am and what i need.

I'd really reccomend this book ^ to anyone.  I'm so glad Bryan lent it to me, it's really been...not just helpful...not insightful...just....an ironic coincidence it seems. the things he talks about and things he says, or things he's felt or feels, the way he describes stuff...its like i took the form of a twenty-something male residing in oregon and wrote a book to myself that i could read as a 17 year old floridian girl. its just odd you know? how one person can describe their life--their trials, sturggles, doubts, ideas, concerns...whatever...and they can be so identical to what you yourself feel. God never ceases to amaze me with what or who He puts in my path.

.:There are things you choose to believe, and beliefs that choose you:.

Don Miller

for always and forever babe--i'll always be with you

i havent had a minute to sit down in the last few days. well--that's a slight exagerration. i have--just not one when i thought about my lovely little journal, all old and waiting to be renwed.

i need to start working out again. i wont even say i feel fat because 300 of you will yell at me and tell me i'm not--which is true. but, dont you ever just feel fat? like--you feel gross and jiggly.  haha i think we all know how jiggly my arms are haha. they can be beastly...every once in a while. i went running today, maybe that'll jump start my work-out routine.

i cant decide if i'm content. is that weird? certain aspects of my life are and always will be fine. but some things only make me happy in the moment--if that makes sense. i dont know how to explain it.

i feel like i have something to get out...like i have this emotion deep down inside of me thats bubbling to the surface. it hasnt reached the top yet. be on the lookout for something lyrical.  i haven't written anything lyrical in a few days. imagine that.

i'm not sure if i can even begin to describe my burning love for gavin degraw. we're on a first-name basis, gavin and i, so its weird sayign his whole name. haha i sound like some 13 year old stalker. close... ; ). no--but i just adore his music. its so relaxing--nothing crazy. it just makes me happy inside. anyone who hasnt experienced him yet needs to. i can give you 100 reasons. do you ever find music that fits your mood? gavin is all around excellent.

i was talking with a friend today..and i realized somehting about myself. with the exception of this journal...i dont really talk about myself a whole lot to other people. natalie and mitch and bryan wont believe this when they read it--haha...i guess i kind of depend on them to pour my dramatic details on, but with people in general i just dont like to talk about my life. i guess a lot of it is when i'm talking with a friend about a problem they might be having, i dont like to talk about mine...i guess i feel like complaining about my life isnt going to help anyone else out--so i keep quiet and try to give advice rather than share similar experiences. hm. this is all going on one conversation though. most people could read this and be like--shes on drugs--she never shuts up about herself. who knows. writing is my main outlet. not people.

.:do be strong, dont be silent, too educated, too strong, too successful, to stubborn, and too hard to control:.

 

i just like this

Eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close. The fan blades on the ceiling spin but the air is never cold. And even though you're next to me I still feel so alone. I just can't give you anything for you to call your own. And I can feel you breathing. And it's keeping me awake. Can you feel it beating? My heart's sinking like a weight.Something I've been keeping locked away behind my lips. I can feel it breaking free with each and every kiss. I couldn't bear to hurt you but it's all so different now. Things that I was sure of, they have filled me up with doubt.

something i knew, something i'll try, something to do, some place to die

i decided i really love fall out boy. i just do.

it really meant a lot to me to see you there last night, when i saw you walk in my heart jumped up into my ears and i almost peed in my pants. you made me more nervous than i ever could be, but you were there and i didnt mess up. you heard me and you heard me at my best. thats a gift. thats how i want you to remember me. thats the image of me i want you leaving with.

life has been surprising recently. i have felt God in ways i never could have imagined, and yet at the same time, my life has not changed. i feel more secure, i feel more trusting about God, and i feel like He hears me now. but--i dont feel any deep sense of obligation about Him. that probably makes me a crappy person.

i know things are hard for you. you are an amazingly strong person. i love you. i've never met a person with more respect for others, himself, and everything around him than you. you have such a strong will and honorable heart. i admire you--and i believe in you completely.

.:I wanna hear what you have to say about me
Hear if you're gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
I remember december
And I wanna hear what you have to say about me
Hear if you're gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
What the hell do you want?:.

 

bittersweet

I don't want to get too close
I don't want to get too close
You see this isn't where my head is
If you knew me I'm not like this
But I just found someone special
And that's really something special
If you knew me
Nice to meet you anyway
I believe you're very fine
Still I haven't got the time
Cause I just found someone special
And that's really something special
If you knew me
Nice to meet you anyway
And the sky opened up
With the soil of the sun
Dreaming of my true love
I don't mean to be so strange
But my life just took a change
Cause I just found someone special
And that's really something special
If you knew me
Nice to meet you anyway
And the sky opened up
With the soil of the sun
Dreaming of my true love
So before this goes too far
Let me tell you what you are
You're amazing, I'm attracted
But I'm terribly distracted
And I'm trying to be verbal
And I'm back into this circle
Cause I just found someone special
And that's really something special
If you knew me
Nice to meet you
Nice to meet you
Nice to meet you anyway
Nice to meet you anyway
Nice to meet you anyway
Nice to meet you anyway
Even if you want me to stay here
(Nice to meet you, Nice to meet you)
I'm tellin you right now I should leave
(Nice to meet you, Nice to meet you)
Before i get to changing my mind here
(Nice to meet you, Nice to meet you anyway...)
I hope you understand what I mean
I hope you understand what I mean
I hope you understand what I mean....

it wasnt supposed to be this way

an original:.

i dont know what to say

i dont know what to do

all the things i feel inside

they're all useless, empty and blue

 

i laid my cards down

we fell for the bluff

we knew what would happen

our love wasnt enough

 

you've hurt me before

and thats what i know

i've died inside for you

but it never mattered though

 

my pain is now seeping

through the pores of my soul

i thought it'd be gone

but its taking its toll

 

my mistakes are all seen

my sorrow is true

even though we've gone under

know i'll always love you

this is the start of something good--dont you agree? yeah...whatever

an original:.

i cried out in the darkness

reached out for your hand

you called to me softly

to a far, distant land

 

i followed so faithfully

i answered your call

i did what you asked

so why did i fall

 

i cant see where i'm going

the road has been worn out

he tries to lift me up

with sweet kisses from his mouth

 

this chamber of my spirit

a tomb of grief and sorrow

you try to make it brighter

it will only be worse tomorrow

 

my light has been misplaced

the truth no longer seen

i never meant to hurt you

on you i've always leaned

 

a stone cross to mark the tomb

unmarked by the passage of time

your strength is ever growing

you are the branches for my vine

 

i cant keep this cold from seeping

deep into the pores of my soul

all i know is that you're with me

just dont give up--dont fold.

 

[my poem holds a secret]