drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you .:bubble wrap:.
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown


---------------------> let go.:.frou frou

be fearless.

^ that was on a dove wrapper i found yesterday. i should try to be more like that. i'm not  fearless....pretty afraid usually. but i dont want to be.

i've realized you're never going to change. you're immature, thats ok, you dont exactly know better. you hate me. whatever. thats ok too i guess, i dont love it but i can live with it. you bitch about me when i'm not there, and actually, probably when i AM there as well. awesome. it really hurts my feelings and probably always will, since i didnt really do anything to deserve it but, i'm sick of giving a shit about what you say and think. i've tried everything in the world to make things right and nothing has proven successful. thats ok too. but i'm not going to let you control my happiness anymore. so have fun trying to make everyone i love and who cares about me hate me, have fun talking about how i ruined your life and how miserable i make you, have fun spreading rumors and trying to get everyone on your side....have fun-------------->because i'm not going anywhere.

i hope one day you find your happiness and realize you never had to be this sad. i never wanted you to end up as sad as i was. it kills me that you have become what i was. you'll be ok in the end i think, maybe you'll see the light one day.

ahhhhhh.

today.  today was beautiful. it was sunny and lovely and warm enough to wear my dress [which always constitutes perfection] and the music was right. today was a good day. and there were other certain details that made it sparkle just a little more brightly...

i cant wait until my party. i miss everyone. although this cold i could do without.


.: Why is it not my time?
What is there more to learn?
Shed this skin I've been tripping in
Never to quite return
Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines
And it might be over in a second's time
But I'll gladly go down in a flame
If the flame's what it takes to remember my name
Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body now:.

------------>bigger than my body, mayer

"it's never been so perfect being alive, i've never been so satisfied..."

It's never been more perfect being alive
I've never been so satisfied. Oh...

I could feel something different for the first time
Heaven made sense and all the words rhymed.
No chance of stopping now. I'm taking it all.
And now I'm caught in the air, its a good glide.
Pass it up, wouldn't dare what a wild ride.
I remember being ready and waiting to fall
just like I did tonight.

Spinning around and around
Until my left was my right and up became down.
With just one look you knocked me off of my feet.
So unable to speak. Oh how you made me weak.
Though it was a while ago, I still can recall.
That moment so ready, and waiting to fall.
Can you take me back in time
remembering when you captured my heart?
Over and over again.

It's never been more perfect being alive
I've never been so satisfied. Oh...

--------------->i heard this song on my drive home last weekend. it was sunny, i was singing loudly, and realized its true. i'm happy. i'm ok. i'm not crying all the time, i'm ok with being on my own again, ok without you, i can make myself happy. and i cried. and i remember winter retreat and how one night anna, who as awlays knew i needed her, and told me things i will never forget, with a fierceness i rarely see. and i knew she meant them, and i knew she was right, and i felt tired, and spent, but slowing filling up with something. and then i heard the song i've heard a million times, just like many similar songs i've heard before and thought, "i wish i felt like that," and i realized i DO. and i cried with joy. i dont feel backed into a corner anymore, i dont feel suffocated, choked, struggling. there are things i want, things i want to be different, but until they happen i know i will be alright, and thats a reassurance i'm not ever sure i had before. i'm afraid of the future and what it brings, but just thinking about what i'll be learning soon, the people i'll meet, the people i know whom i may grow closer with, the people i dont need anymore i can let go of, the relationship i know that will come.....remembering all this makes me excited amidst being fearful. not even fearful, i wouldnt say thats the right word, more.....slightly apprehensive. moving forward definitely, but looking both ways.

its a weird feeling. i know that sounds strange, but i'm not used to be content. the last few years have been full of dark things...things i never want to dwell on again. i like this. i hope that things fall into place.

-------------->i'm alright alone, but i know there's so much more waiting for me...