breathing in lighting, tonight's for fighting, feel the hurt, so physical

there's a lot i want to say to you. let's start with this: the only thing i did wrong here was not tell you right off the bat what was going on. and i am sorry i didnt--i should have but i was afriad of hurting you. do you understand that? i didnt want to hurt you, so we figured letting you have a little time to move on would be best. we were wrong, and i admit that. but dont feed me this "we dont give a shit about your feelings" crap because we ALL know that is ridiculous. thats all we've been considering in this whole affair.

you need to understand something. you can push me away all you fucking want, i dont really care. but i'm going to love you anyway. so stop making excuses. i know what i did may have indirectly caused you some pain, but it had nothing to do with YOU. this isnt about you. this is about me finally, for the first time in my whole entire life, doing something i wanted to do. it's about me finally taking a leap of faith and doing somehting that will make me happy. i almost passed up this opportunity so i wouldnt hurt you--but i cant live for you. i have to live for me. and i feel selfish for it, but it's what we all have to do. it isnt like anyone was cheating on anyone, like anyone was committing any outlandish crime--so stop laying on the guilt.

i dont want to hear you hate me. that does nothing for me, or you. you're pissed off because someone else got what you wanted. i completely understand how you feel, because like it or not, believe it or not, i know exactly how you feel because it's been done to me 4 times. so yes--as a matter of fact....i do know precisely how you feel. it hurts, it hurts a whole damn lot. but you also have to stop for a second and think about the situation realistically. i've been telling you for months and months that something like this was bound to happen, that one of you was bound to move on and you would realize that there was someone else you could actually be happy with--i just never thought in a million years i would be involved. it isnt like this has been a long running thing--it's been like a two-to-three week long thing. thats it...so all that advice i gave you months and months ago was unbiased. it was true and real. it had nothing to do with me wanting what was "yours."

and that's just it--you act as if i sat down and tried to figure out the best way to stick it to you, like i wanted to figure out how to hurt you the most. thats bullshit. i love you. i care about you. i dont fucking want you to end up hating yourself or feeling like you arent good enough. do you even understand how much i worry about you? do you have any idea the fear i feel when i think of you? I DONT WANT YOU TO END UP LIKE I AM. thats it. i dont; i dont want you living your life to please everyone else, i dont want you to ignore your own needs, to feel insignificant, to feel unloved, to feel alone and sad and uncared for, to feel like you dont matter because you matter to me damnit. you do.

another point of particular interest....why the hell are you looking at someone else's text messages? how is that any of your buisness? really...how is it? it really doesnt matter, its a juvenile thing to care about anyway. but all this "no one cares about me or how i feel or how hurt i am" crap is just not true and you know that it isnt. you know that people love you. you know it. we, BOTH OF US, feel awful that you got hurt. we both care about you.  you know that i'm sorry you got hurt--that kills me. the fact that i let you down, someone i know looked up to me so much, the fact that i disappointed you so badly absolutely rips my heart out. that i let someone else down--that i have failed again, that again i have not been good enough, perfect enough, brave enough....that kills me. i HATE that you got hurt in this process. but this isnt about you. no matter how bad i feel about hurting and disappointing you, i'm still glad i did it because i know that eventually you'll be able to heal. you may still "hate" us both--but you'll move on eventually. you'll be ok. you're a tough bitch. you'll survive. and when you do, i'll still have made a decision that has made me happy too. i cant pass up my happiness so that i can please everyone. you cant always please everyone.

i want you to read this again. go back and reread this. you need to hear this. i love you. and you need to know that. no matter how you feel about me, i love you and i hope that one day you'll figure out that, and believe in it again.

that girl used to be me, and that isnt who i am anymore

--------> i borrowed this from a girl i still see as beautiful and amazing. a girl that i hope can see past the pain i and others have handed to her, and find the glittering person longing to break free. this is for the girl i see so much of who i used to be in, and for the girl i pray finds her strength and happiness in herself and her faith, not in how any other person sees her. because in the end, all you've got is you, and your opinion of yourself is the only one you can control. this is for you lovely, and i hope you can see exactly what i mean someday...

This is for the girl who has tried everything in her power to make you see yourself as she sees you.
This is for her... the one who relates every sad song, book, or movie to the way she feels about you.
This is for the girl who knows your flaws and values them as much as she does your strong points.
This is for the girl who still cant bring herself to hate you
Although you probably deserve it
This is for her the one girl who had the courage to give you her entire heart, knowing full well that you would only abuse it.
This is for the girl who realizes that all of her efforts are in vain, but cares so much about you that she still manages not to regret a single moment spent with you. She realizes that she will never have your heart, but she will carry the image of you inside of hers forever.
This is for that girl
she still cries herself to sleep, but lets you think shes okay just so you dont have to feel a bit of guilt. This is the girl who sees in you everything you can not see yourself. She sees everything that you can be, and everything that you already are. She sees all of this and she loves you anyway, even though you cant love her back.
This is for her.
she deserves it...

*mdp: there will always be a minute and tiny piece of me that will always see you this way. you meant something to me, gave me something i can't ever repay you for. all of it led to me finding myself, you led me to me, and for that i could never love you more. but you wont control me anymore--you will not steal my joy away from me a day longer. i hope one day you can understand how i feel, and maybe you'll realize what you gave away.

i love this

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                    i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

 

--ee cummings

What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...

mmm, the past week has been lovely. you've helped me move on, you've opened my eyes. i can now see what being happy is like again. i can see where i'm going, and where i've longed to be. "i'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete." you make me feel good about myself. beautiful. like what i've always known about myself but never believed is actually true: i have value. priceless.

.:and maybe, you're gunna be the one that saves me:.

--wonderwall---->oasis

 

 

oh i'm bored. and i miss you.

How spoiled am I?

Do you have:
(1) your own cell phone
(2) a television in your bedroom
(3) an MP3 player
(4) a photo printer
() your own phone line
(5) TiVo or a generic digital video recorder
(6) high-speed Internet access
() a surround sound system in bedroom
(7) DVD player in bedroom
(8) at least a hundred DVDs
(9) a childfree bathroom
(10) your own in-house office
() a pool
() a guest house
() a game room
(11) a queen-size bed or larger
(12) a stocked bar
(13) a working dishwasher
(14) an icemaker
(15) a working washer and dryer
() more than 20 pairs of shoes
() at least ten things from a designer store haha...ten
() expensive sunglasses
() framed original art (not lithographs or prints)
() Egyptian cotton sheets or towels
() a multi-speed bike
() a gym membership
(16) large exercise equipment at home
() your own set of golf clubs
() a pool table
() a tennis court
(17) local access to a lake, large pond, or the sea
() your own pair of skis
(18) enough camping gear for a weekend trip in an isolated area
() a boat
() a jet ski
() a neighborhood committee membership
() a beach house or a vacation house/cabin
() wealthy family members
(19) two or more family cars again with confusion..we have 3 but there are 4 of us?
(20) a walk-in closet or pantry
(21) a yard
() a hammock
() a personal trainer
(22) good credit
() expensive jewelry
() a designer bag that required being on a waiting list to get
() at least $100 cash in your possession right now
() more than two credit cards bearing your name (not counting gas cards or debit cards)
() a stock portfolio
() a passport
() a horse
() a trust fund (either for you or created by you)
() private medical insurance
() a college degree and no outstanding student loans

this is getting rediculous...

Do you:
() shop for non-needed items for yourself (like clothes, jewelry, electronics) at least once a week
() do your regular grocery shopping at high-end or specialty stores
() pay someone else to clean your house, do dishes, or launder your clothes (not counting dry-cleaning)
() go on weekend mini-vacations
() send dinners back with every flaw
(23) wear perfume or cologne (not body spray)
() regularly get your hair styled or nails done in a salon
() have a job but don't need the money
() stay at home with little financial sacrifice
() pay someone else to cook your meals
() pay someone else to watch your children or walk your dogs
() regularly pay someone else to drive you (not taxis)
() expect a gift after you fight with your partner

Are you:
() an only child
() married/partnered to a wealthy person
() baffled/surprised when you don't get your way


Have you:
(24) been on a cruise
(25) traveled out of the country
() met a celebrity
(26) been to the Caribbean
() been to Europe
() been to Hawaii
(27) been to New York.
() eaten at the space needle in Seattle
() been to the Mall of America
() been on the Eiffel tower in Paris
(28) been on the Statue of Liberty in New York
() moved more than three times because you wanted to
() dined with local political figures
(29) been to both the Atlantic coast and the Pacific coast


Did you:
() go to another country for your honeymoon
() hire a professional photographer for your wedding or party
(30) take riding or swimming lessons as a child
(31) attend private school
(32) have a Sweet 16 birthday party thrown for you.

Total: 32

SORheads...food, fun, and sun. ahhhh

Ahhhh, SORHeads. Never miss an opportunity to attend. it was fabulous. WHo knew skimboarders were A.) so prevalent. and B.) so gorgeous. : ) Never seen a rear that beautiful in my life. Probably never will again. wheeew. thanks to everyone: b-rye, min-dawg, nat-dizz, mel, chadwick, danny boy, and barbarian, for making it an amazing trip. i adore you. (chad: i'll be sure to photoshop you out sooner or later. lol)

happiness. it's strange. it's new. this alive feeling i have. you've given me this fun, alive feeling. you put a smile on my face, and a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart. We belong--it just feels right. yes, there are some obstacles, and i was afraid. they almost kept me from giving this gift to myself. i dont want anyone to get hurt, although i know they will....but i'm doing this for me. not them. for myself. to give myself a piece of happiness i've been depriving myself of for too long. it absolutely kills me that in the process i'll hurt another person, but at the same time, i deserve happiness. right now, here in this moment, this is my time to shine. and i deserve it. i care about you so much, and i cant wait to spend this time with you. you've always been there for me--no matter what was happening or what you were going through, you always listened. you always cared. and i cant ever explain how much your friendship, and now your affections, mean to me. you taught me to take my own advice--i needed that. thanks for making me shine again.

-------> and to another "you": i hope you know none of this is intentional, that i'm not doing this to cause anyone pain, and that although i know it kills you--i need this. i love you so dearly, the last thing i want is to give you grief, but, this is right. saying you'll understand later doesnt help you and i know that--but it's true. i just hope i dont cause you to lose faith in me, or to lose the trust you have for me. i truly love and care about you, but i need this and i'm tired of living my life for others instead of myself. for once--painful as it will be for you, and in turn me--i'm doing this for myself. i hope one day you'll be able to understand, and to forgive me. i want to see your smile again, and i want you to be as happy as i know i'm making myself.

.:as painful and scary as it is, live this life for you. you dont want to look back one day and realize you've missed all the dreams you've held onto for so long:.

heh...oh life. bittersweet is the flavor of the week, is it not?

I know you've been sworn
I read your complaint
you're needing someone older
and though I've been warned to live day by day
there's something taking over

did you expect to kiss me one time
while looking at me with the same eyes ever again?
so come on and face it
so come on and face it
it's time that we say it

you can cross the line whenever you want to
I'm calling it love soon
close your mind and waste some time if you have to
I'm calling it love soon
it's not about you now
it's what we are

your mother complains that you need a man
you haven't mentioned me yet
and all of your friends don't know who I am
I've been your best kept secret

I understand I wasn't part of the plan
a dollar short, a minute early
but I am your man
so come on and face it
so come on and face it
it's time that we say it

you can cross the line whenever you want to
I'm calling it love soon
close your mind and waste some time if you have to
I'm calling it love soon
it's not about you now
it's what we are

let's bypass the bullshit and move on because
the minute hand moves faster than you think it does
and by no fault of yours and by no fault of mine
the bottom line is laying in the bed that we've been playing in tonight

you can cross the line whenever you want to
I'm calling it love soon
close your mind and waste some time if you have to
I'm calling it love soon
it's not about you now
it's what we are

--john mayer:love soon

la la la

1. Your name spelled backwards?
anitsirk
2. Last incoming call on your phone?

philip
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
john mayer songs: victoria + comfortable
4. What's your favorite restaurant?

anything italian. mmm.
5. Last time you swam in a pool?
errr....excellent question. the last time i recall is mitchell's birthday in july, but i'm sure there was a more recent occurence.
6. [HEY, WHERE'D NUMBER 6 GO?!]
7. How many kids do you want?
i dont see myself wanting any, but i want a boy if i end up poppin' 'em out.
8. Type of music you dislike most?

vulgar rap music. like "i'm in love wit a stripper" <<<<WHAT THE HECK???? cool song guys. not.
9. [MIA]
10. Do you have cable?dish?
DirecTV all the way--TiVo is heaven sent.
11. Have you ever ridden on a bike?
no, i dont know how to ride a bike. yes, i am alos 18 years old. i realize this is a major taboo. kiss my butt.
12. Ever made a prank phone call?
not that i recall..i was never that bored. i had real friends to call.
13. Closest friends?

patrick, natalie, philip, catlin, kelly, caroline, brookie
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?

BOTH...hell yes i would sucka.
15. Furthest place you ever traveled?

i guess canada..but mexico, cali, and the bahamas too.
16. Do you have a garden?
no--do i look like martha stewart to you?
17. What's your favorite comic strip?

i dont read them.
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
no--i wont lie.
19. Bath or Shower?

showers--baths are nasty. who really enjoys sitting in their own cruddied up water?
20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
Pride and Prejudice. ahhhh. and RENT
21. Favorite pizza toppings?

pepperoni and mushrooms. but not together. one or the other.
22. Chips or popcorn?
chips....mmm
23. What kind of lipgloss do you usually wear?
i've broekn up with my cherry chapstick and rebounded on Aveeno
24. What did your last text message say?
where are you
25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?

are you joking?
26. Orange Juice or apple?
apple.
27. Who were the last people you went out to dinner with?
my family, about 2 hours ago
28. What did the last text message that you sent say?
that was kinda bad
29. [29 HAS BEEN ELIMINATED FROM THIS ROUND]
30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
probably never.
31. Have you ever won a trophy?
no--cant say i have
32. Are you a good cook?
yes...but i like baking more.
33. Do you know how to pump your own gas?

you have to be moronic to not to know that.
34. [AGAIN, WHERE ARE YOU?]
35. Sprite or 7-Up?
coke.
36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school?

only since i was 6
37. Last thing you ate?

chicken parm
38. Ever thrown up in public?
no, i dont think so.
39. Would you rather find true love or be a millionaire?
love wins.
40. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no. i dont.
41. [I DON'T THINK WE REALLY HAVE 52 QUESTIONS HERE]
42. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
 uhhh...i think my daddy actually.
43. [EITHER SOMEONE CAN'T COUNT...]
44. Who was the last person you sent a text message to?
philip
45. [...OR SOMEONE'S BEEN DELETING]
46. Who was the last person you kissed?
mitchell
47. Who is the second to last person to call you?
who cares? but i think it was philip
48. Is there anything going on this weekend?
only SORheads!!!
49. What are you doing tonight?
talking to patrick. and filling this out.
50. What do you think about most?

why i dont love myself, and why other people do. and why God is silent.
51. Who is MOST likelyto repost this survey?
no idea, but jennifer was right on the money picking me.
52. Morning or night?

night. hello. no brainer.

Why does it hurt so bad?
Why do I feel so sad?
Thought I was over you
But I keep crying
When I don’t love you
So why does it hurt so bad
I thought I had let you go
So, why does it hurt me so
I gotta get you outta my head
It hurts so bad

Just when I think it’s over
Just when I think it’s thru

I find myself right back in love with you

public school dances are intense. i'm so sheltered.

Prom pictures....enjoy.

1. me and natalie bowling

2. my TWO strikes in a row! oh yeah :)

3. natalie's bowling stance

4. preparing for the big night. so hot.

5. pre-finished hair for natalie

6. right before our unveiling...so perdy.

7. me and natalie

8. me, jordan, natalie

9. aaron, mike, jamey

10. jordan, mike, me, aaron, natalie, jamey

11. me and aaron

12. me and natalie

13. me, jordan, natalie

14. aaron whooing me with his studly charms

15. jamey and natalie

16. jamey, natalie, me , aaron after dinner

17. natalie, aaron, me reppin the OH SIX

18. the best picture me and natalie have ever taken.

19. our hair-do's

20. another angle

21. aaron trying to be as gangsta as me

22. aaron being as gangsta as me

23. aren't we cute?