get smart about the sun

i spent the whole day relaxing by the pool. in the sun. wearing AND reapplying spf 30 sunscreen. i decided its so much more of a hassle to deal with skin cancer later then just wear sunscreen now. plus--this new coppertone sunblock is awesome...its sheer so you dont feel all greasy and it doesnt smell like sunscreen so i dont always feel like i'm at the beach, i can wear it anytime i'll be outside and not feel gross....which is why i'm so hooked on sunscreen right now. i actually like putting it on.....i know, i know...i'm weird...dont remind me. anyways--for those of you who..maybe dont enjoy sunscreen...but want to avoid that nasty little hassle i call skin cancer, its Endless Summer Ultrasheer Sunscreen by Coppertone.

anywho--June will be an insane month i decided. what with choir tour being only...8 days away and having 9 practices left...thats enough to kill someone. then we'll be gone for ten days in the Bahamas, which will be fun, but still tiring.  then three glorious days after we get back i get my mouth sliced up and sewn back together and then three days after THAT Kinga, my german bff, is comming for like...a month or so. AH. i will be going going going like the energizer bunny.

but right now...i'm focused on just the day-by-day. today was good. we had chinese for dinner which is always great and i watched Where the Heart is with my momma...i am so tired now a days that it scares me...i think i'm turning anemic...actually--its just all this type stuff--not going to bed until the wee hours and getting up around 10..which yeah is a lot of sleep but i wake up like 8 times in the night. and tomorrow i'm going to get a pedicure with my mommy and in the next few days a haircut...i need some of this c-r-azy mane off...its too hot in the summer to have hair as thick as mine this long...its a killer. i was thinking short--i want to do something daring...but i'm pretty positive i'd hate it if i chopped it all off and it would take too long to grow back.

sorry--this was just a bunch of boring rambling....obviously i had nothing else occupying my time so this is what the product was...until next time

kristina

 

backstreets back ALRIGHT!

OH MAN! that was the most fun i've had in like...i dont even know. i rocked out to hanson, britney spears, nsync, and the backstreet boys...it was awesome.  haha everyone needs a little reminding now and then about how awesome all the oldies are. whip them out and go crazy for thirty minutes and you dont need to do superfluous exercise....whoa! haha and bringin back al those c-r-azy dance moves was a blast, serious shout for the georgia choir for providing the music and an audience. haha.

i feel i need to do some clarifying for some of my loyal readers...its not that i think all love is poop.  i mean i love my family--haha even though i, in some cases, ahem..dont show much of that particular...emotion. haha i love Jesus, i love my friends....i just really have a big problem with the "falling" in love business....i see it for a lot of people..but i think i just kind of block it out and pretend it isnt there bc i'm just really afraid it wont happen to me.  and even if it did...i'd probably shove whoever it was out the door so fast they wouldnt even be able to fathom what had happened...it'd be in a blink.  i dont see a point in serisouly dating anyone now for a few reasons: i want to find someone i can commit myself--mind, body, spirit--to and be completely serious about...i cant do that with the maturity level we're ALL in right now.  i dont want to be serisouly dating someone and then decide i dont feel the same way and have to deal with all the "you broke my heart" drama...its not worth it and teens, especially me, dont need that kind of stress. i dunno, it just seems pointless bc guys are already less mature than girls scientifically so if I'M not mature enough for it a guy certainly is not. so anyways, i hope i cleared some of that up...apologies to the further confused and discombobulated....leave me a comment or question and i'll re-clarify...

until next time...

kristina

is there really more?

i've been in a weird mood, suffice it to say its not the greatest one.  its just like...i can barely even explain it.  like, you see all these stupid movies and see people fall in love and its all perfect and la la la...i mean how many people could you honestly say you know who had the same thing happen? not many...like, you think you might be able to like someone or love them, and then you look around and see that its not what you want. why bother with dating and whatever when you're not sure of how oyu feel you know? its pointless....i'm not going to mess with any of it until i find whoever it may be that i know i can commit myself to--not like marry or anything, just i can date them or whatever without having to wrry about thinking, there's so much more....i dont want to find faults in people...it makes it easier for people to find faults in me, if they arent apparent already

ChapStick, chapped lips, and things like chemistry

well the last two days have been c-r-azy...but then again i am OUT OF SCHOOL, so its ok. AH  so incase i idnt mention it yet--i dont remember--i totally got an A in chemistry! whoo hoo..and tara liked her notebook so thats good--3 months of preparation not in vain. and kim's suprise party was good--haha it took her a minute but shes ok...we think lol. but i think i either ate so much my body cant keep up or Buca wanted to test out some new crazy stomach virus...my stomach has been hurting ever since we walked out of the restaurant. i am so enjoying feeling like someone extracted my stomach or intestines or something and tied it all in big knots and roughly shoved it back inside me somewhere....no so much.  so i definitely need to go to the beach sometime soon....i havent beenin over a month, severely lacking in the whole sun exposure department....no kenny girls, not lets-go-get-a-fake-bake-at-the-tanning-bed-and-look-like-we-spent-three-years-in-the-mystic-tan-booth....a real, SPF protected glint from el sol. sorry ifoyu dont undertsand the concept, i have no time to explain now but if oyu need further clairfication---ask someone who likes you. enough of that--

 

so it was jeremy in 1983 in his ocean pacific t who got a bloody knee on his skate board in the half pike in his backyard that tuesday night. and i'm only gunna pierce my left year, and i've been workin on this mustcahe all summer long, and my favorite band will always be tears for fears, and i'm gunna wear a pink tux to the prom.

 

i am soo tired...i think its lack of sleep for the previous week...finals are so stressful, and recovering from them is quite difficult. i'm really bored buit everytime i get up to do something productive, my stomach starts to hurt bad again so i'm stuck right now...i guess i'll take a shower...props to anyone who did something nice today...mucho amor

suprises and time

So i definitely am not feeling 100%...not even like 50%....ugh. i woke up this morning and felt DEAD...like i could barely open my eyes i was so tired and i couldnt swallow.  i fel asleep after my english final, i was one of the first to finish so i got a nice long, 30 minute nap....then went on to chemistry which wasn't as hard as she said it would be.  she wanted to scare us so we'd study...i think i did well..i hope. and i studied for like an hour and a half for geometry so i'll do good on that too.

so i left right when the bell rang and went straight to my room and got into bed after dropping my junk on the floor...i was NOT feeling well....at all, had a chocolate milkshake--props to mom--and slept from like 1 until 3...it was so nice bc i usually can never nap during the day.  i have allergies apparently, and got prescriptions to knock them out, and i hope they kick in right quick.  tomorrow will be one interesting day...lots of suprises and excitment...haha and no one knows about them except me! i love it, suprising people is the best feeling ever....almost better than being suprised. making people smile is the best feeling ever. i'm anxious for tomorrow to come, it will distract me from my illness.

so--things have been really good. i'm glad things are going so well. even though you sicken me with your mathematical genius...ew its so sad i wish i was smart enough to do that--so i make fun of you instead. haha  hopefully friday will work out...who knows i could be cured by then...doubtful but miracles happen. i love the smiles you give me, i love how i laugh with you. we're so comfortable. let's see where things lead...slowly.

june will suck

so i just got home from the orthodontic surgeons office....i have to have oral surgey on june 24.  i'm getting one tooth "uncovered" and having my wisdom teeth removed...so basically this all translates to "kristina will starve for a month and be a total bitch so dont mess with her"  just an early FYI...

my throat has that gross slimy feeling it gets when i'm about to get sick...which you know fits well with my annual "lets get sick" calendar i've developed...its a bit late this year but only by two weeks...its ok though--the rhythm is still right since i'll be going out of town in two weeks...ARGH why do i always freaking get sick? i dont understand and i hate it so much.  no one elsei know ever gets sick...i'm the only one and i'm a habitual sick getter....you could set your proverbial clock by it....obviously...it pisses me off a bit

self confidence has been on the DL for me lately...i dunno i just see all these teenage celebrities who wont matter in ten years but still feel inferior....i usually--for the most part--like my body and the way i look, but then i'm like no jk....i'm really not that great. its so stupid, and vain really...but its like "oh, my skin isnt smooth enough, or my butt's to non-existent, or my boobs are to smal" or lalala all the stupid things girls ocmplain about and then i realize, some girl is thinking "oh god my butt is so HUGE, i wish my chest was smaller..." so i guess everyone has their ups and downs...i think its just being a teenage girl in a society that always throws out the cute, tan, blonde in the bikini with perfect abs thing....you just presume thats the only "aceptable" way to be...its getting better, i'm noticing a lot of magazines shying away from that but its not completely better...props to Seventeen though...its dumb to be like oh a magazine is so awesome but its not just about make-up and guys...there are real issues in there and real stories...things that will HELP teens, like info on skin cancer and what its like to live in the middle east...anyways--those are my "inner thoughts" for today, tune in next week for...july will totally rock

plan x

studying is a superfluous activity on my agenda

so i didnt study for my finals today--yet knew a majority of the answers...so basically that ruined my whole rhythm bc now i wont study for anything...oh well i honestly dont care because in the scheme of things my sophmore final exam grades will not matter.  its been so hot--i love it and yet at the same time i hate it....i love the sunshine and so forth but the whole i cant even grab the recycle bin without breaking a sweat doesnt strike my fancy. i'll get used to it, as floridians tend to do.

 

the Big Guy has been very active in my life lately...i was reading a bit in this book, And The Bride Wore White, a book on purity, and this one chapter kind of stuck out...the woman who wrote this book, Dannah Gresh, is talking about her husband, while they were "dating" and the rough times they had had.  she talks about how they both knew their relationship lacked a certain level of Godliness, basically that she was too focused on him and not on her Savior, and so she ended it hoping and praying to God that if they were meant to truly be together, He would lead her back to him when she was spiritually ready.

the whole scenario was unreal to me--i mean the amount of faith in God and strength you have to have to give up the person you love for Jesus, which really compared for what He gave for us is no big deal but since we're human--it is a pretty big deal to sacrifice your love...you know? i was just amazed that she could do that--i'm not sure i could.  but God always has a plan, and they eneded up married which rocks, it gives me real faith and renewed courage in difficult times to not just take the easy way out...to strive to do all that i can for God...just something to dwell on

by the way, any girl who struggles with purity or wants to know more--or just wants to read a great book...pick up And the Bride Wore White by Dannah Gresh...its a wonderful book that you can actually apply to your life and its changed my perspective in a few radically positive ways

well now, that IS interesting

ok so i just was informed that the guy i've been liking for three months is probably just gunna date another girl....yeah i'm not to pleased about that...at all.  like why did oyu bother with all this date stuff with me if youre not going to date me...i'm just fursterated that i let myself start liking him so much and now i cant do anything about it. whatever.

i think--no--i pretty much know where God is pointing me.  he made it easy this time, props to you big guy.  i wasnt sure and still am not totally without a doubt right now...but i think a lot has to do with fear.  tara--i just want to thank you, youve beenso great through all this and helping me every time i needed it..no matter how tiresome it must have gotten, i love you for that.  your passage in the book today really kind of hit me...it was like there were neon arrows pointing to it and cloudy light from heaven screaming "HEY KRISTINA, incase you didn't get the message yet, THIS is where you belong!" i'm glad that i feel more secure in what i feel i should be doing, but there is still fear...that fear of loss and hurt and everything that comes with the territory...they say its wortht the heartache, but we'll see...

argh

I'm awake in the afternoon
I fell asleep in the living room
and it's one of those moments
when everything is so clear

before the truth goes back into hiding
I want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding
to work on finding something more than this fear

It takes so much out of me to pretend
tell me now, tell me how to make amends

maybe, I need to see the daylight
to leave behind this half-life
don't you see I'm breaking down

lately, something here don't feel right
this is just a half-life
is there really no escape?
no escape from time
of any kind

I keep trying to understand
this thing and that thing, my fellow man
I guess I'll let you know
when i figure it out

but I don't mind a few mysteries
they can stay that way it's fine by me
and you are another mystery i am missing

It takes so much out of me to pretend

maybe, I need to see the daylight
to leave behind this half-life
don't you see I'm breaking down

Lately, something here don't feel right
this is just a half-life
is there really no escape?
no escape from time
of any kind

'cause lately something here don't feel right
this is just a half-life,
without you I am breaking down

wake me, I want to see the daylight
save me from this half-life
let's you and I escape
escape from time

this song is so relevant to me right about now, because i fell like i truly am only half living....my life goes by me in a haze of color and sound and i feel as if i've no control. me being out of is bad because then i fall apart. letting someone in makes me vulnerable and then you get hurt. like i cant depend on anyone because i am so scared of being used or whatnot....this journal was SO much better the first round before it deleted itself, but i'm so tired i cant reproduce it.....i love you all and dont hesitate to comment

why the long face?

why am i in such a pathetic state of mind?  i've been so unhappy...and i know a lot has to do with school and trying to pull grades up and preparing for finals, another part has to do with kim's graduation and getting ready for that and her birthday, and another part has to do with trying....quite hard....to finish something for a friend that has to be done on thursday....i've been up past midnight every night this week.  i am so tired.  but not just like "oh man i'm tired, i should take a nap" its a physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion....i ache, i have no energy, i even forget to eat a lot of times...my mind is just so fried that i walk around in a haze most of the time, and for a while i just had a smile plastered to my face and acted happy so people would leave me alone....i'm tired of that.  now i'm just being me...mad, unhappy, stressed, and confused me...i guess its working bc eveyrone wants to know "whats wrong with you kristina"  "why are you being so weird"  well, would you like an answer?  i dont know.....thats my answer, i dont know why i am this way, and frankly i'm so exhausted and numb that i dont even care anymore.  i dont care about anything....i could walk out onto san jose blvd and stand there until i got hit by a speeding car and i dont think i would have a care in the world....isnt that sad?  it is, and this is not how i should be.  i should be normal, like i always was...i should laugh all the time and smile and think positively and try to lift people up instead of being a lump of boring skin....oh well....i'm not going to worry about it, just like i've ceased to worry about practically anything...i have about 4 cares in the world which in some twisted way makes life easier and then again not...i dont know

--it takes so much out of me to pretend, tell me now, tell me how, how to make amends.  maybe i need to see the daylight, leave behind the half life, dont you see i'm breaking down? oh lately something here dont feel right, this is just a half life, is there really no escape? no escape from time of any kind?  i keep trying to understand this thing and that thing my fellow friend, i guess i'll let you know when i figure it out.  and i dont mind a few mysteries, they can stay that why its fine by me, but you are another mystery i am missing, it takes to much out of me to pretend....maybe i need to see the daylight, leave behind the half life, dont you see i'm breaking down? oh lately somehting here dont feel right, this is just a half life, is there really no escape?

coconuts lime verbena...margarits in perfume form

so i bought some coconut lime verbena spray at b&b works the other day---this stuff is heaven in a spray bottle...i LOVE it, it smells exactly like a margarita and its so summer...ahh

so, i'm really glad things have worked out so well. like i'm still stressed about school and crap but none of that seems too significant anymore. i guess i should just be happy for what i have and not take stuff for granted....i had so much fun the other night...i swear the ryan's belt and little dipper must have burnt out...haha, you're the most amazing person ever and your strength  leaves me in awe....i'm so lucky to know you, you rock and as always i am here

you are my hero

where do you even begin to describe a feeling like this? i mean it isnt even really just one feeling, its hundreds all squished up inside me, all trying to escape from me at once. i feel sad, angry, hopeful, overwhelmed, overjoyed, thankful, sorrowful, i could just go on and on. i can never begin to imagine losing my dad, but i will sooner or later, i'm just thankful it isnt now. i am so....i cant even find a word to describe it, but ecstatic is an alright word, about you. we can move on from our parting, the rift is closed....i can be with you again. its like an amazing weight is gone and we're alright again. i love you so much, like i cant even tell you what being your friend has meant to me, and not having you around for so long was awful...i'm just so sorry it took this for us to overcome things. i know you already know all this but i mean anytime you need anyone, you come running to me and i'll be here ok? 3 am and your feeling sad? call me or just come over and ring my doorbell...its not like we live far away...you know you wont have to go through this alone but i just want you to know how much i love you and that your and your family will always be with my in my prayers...you are my hero for handling this the way you are, i could never be this strong

ok so now i'm seriously pissed off since i just wrote one of the longest journals ever and it got deleted. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

i'm on the F*CKING edge and i want to jump off so bad that its pretty difficult to stay afloat............like i cannot even put into words all the shit and stress and just crap i have inside me....i cant get it all out....i am angry and stressed and pissed off ALL DAY EVERYDAY....all the time i hate everyone and everything even though you cant see it--i've mastered the mask and no one knows it but me.........i'm so independant that i wont accept help from anyone, ever....i wont even admit to anyone besides like my mom how incredibly broken i am and i wont let anyone help me.......i HATE that about myself, but i cant change. like i dnt even want to talk to my friends when they call and i dont want to go places on the weekends because i'm just so full of things i need to clear out...i CRAVE peace and solitude and i never find it....its like an addiction that i cant even stifle...its...bad. i wish i could just cut myself open and pour every bad feeling or emotion and stress cell inside me int a bottle and close it up air tight and throw it away or burn it or something so i never have to deal with it again....but i guess i cant do that

"dont want your hand this time i'll save myself...maybe i'll wake up for once...not tormented daily by you, just wheni  though i'd reached the bottom i'm dying again i'm going under drowning into you i'm falling forever i've got to break through i'm going under.."

anyways--on another annoyingly present topic in my head...this whole stupid idea of true love and happily ever after crap...its not real. it doesnt happen. its like this huge media/disney company scam to get people to believe all this and get married only to divorce a few years or even months later. celebrity marraige is the epitomy of examples...does anyone EVER stay together? haha of course not...hello, they wouldnt get as much publicity if they did. i mean every time oyu date someone you think man i love this person, and then sure enough later you split up and you realize that you never truly loved them, even if you did care a great deal for them...it happens everytime....so i meanhow can you say you love someone when you dont evenknow what love is since you've never experienced it? you cant.....its not real....true love is true junk...

waiter? add another side of guilt to that order please

started off as a good day....ended ...well it was not good in the end. went to the movies with ern and to moe's, and totally forgot to call my mom, since my phone had died before the movie, so we're walking to my car and she pulls up to his house...and i felt this huge weight in my stomach hit me all the way down to my toes...i felt so horrible because i knew how worried she was and it was all my fault. i cried like the rest of the day on and off and wanted to just curl up in my bed and die. i deserved to be punished, i had no problems at all with the entire situation...i wasnt angry at anyone but me. i still feel horrible but wheni walked in the door in tears and after i apologized to my mom i felt better. but the up side to this entire day, besids that my mom loves me enough to worry about me and i feel better now, is that my date with ernie was really good. it wasnt awkward and there werent any long pauses or silences, it was fun. he makes me laugh. i'm off to go curl up in that bed, but i think i'll save the dying part for 60 years from now.

yes, i'd like a main course of crap and a side of stress, with dissapointment on the side...

so...things have been way stressful lately--mainly school. i dont do a lot of work that i should be getting done and i'm kind of paying for it. not so much from an...i didnt do my hw so i'm failing way...more of a...man i wish i'd done the hw so i'd know what the answer to this quiz question was type way. exapmle: religion class....i've turned in maybe one hw all quarter and have an A...whereas i have a C in creative writing even though i havent missed a single assignment. yes, doesnt that make perfect sense? yeah i didnt think so either.

on the the more important issue of the moment...mr "guy". even though this whole "oh i'm so shy and things are moving at an 800 year old tortise's pace" relationship is bugging me at times...i've come to realize it's going, i feel at times, irritatingly slow for a reason. i've been so afriad of actually getting close to a guy that even when i would like someone i'd subconsciously push them away...i've been doing it so long i kind of just forgot i was doing it...or maybe i never even realized it. i dont know...i'm just so petrified of being hurt by someone that when or if anyone gets even a little interested in me i shy away and do stupid things i dont even mean to do so i dont have to be hurt. i did it with the last two guys i dated and i've done it to every "prospect" that's come along in 3 years. i hate the way i act about the entire mess...but with him...i dont know, its different. i dont have to worry about doing anything wrong and i dont feel like i need to push him away, God has handed me my solution even though it took me a while to see the good at times. He doesnt want to overwhelm me, i need this to be very slow so i can become comfortable, and i'm getting there. things this time are falling into play perfectly and even though its been almost three months since i started this whole thing, i dont think i would change a day because i wouldnt feel the way that i do. i wouldnt know this was happening for a reason, and i'm just glad i, for the moment, have what i've wanted and have been to afraid to take advantage of.