i'm sad. you left, again, just like i always thought you might. i loved you. i trusted you, i let you in, let you get close to me, and you punk out on me a week after i leave. either you never really loved me at all, or you just lied about why your broke it off. i dont know what to believe. but you hurt me. i've loved you for as long as i can remember, and you knew how i felt and you just left without even SEEING me. without SPEAKING with me. it hurts so much to be left by someone who taught e so much about myself, who believed so much in who i am, and that i matter for something, that i'm full of worth and that i am a good person. to have someone who forced me to love myself just leave because they idnt love me anymore kills me. if you cant see what good is in me, when you showed it to me, how am i supposed to believe it now? i dont understand why no one is willing to fight for me. for what i have to offer someone. why i am never good enough. i feel like that, that i never measure up to what people assume i am, or that people just dont get me from the start. why no one thinks it's worth it to actually sick it out through the really hard patches to reach the goodness that's waiting afterward. i hate that i cant find anyone willing to just accept hat and take it and see that goddamnit, I MATTER. AND I AM WORTH LOVING. i'm worth fighting for. i am worth a second chance, hell, i'm worth 1,000. why doesnt anyone see that?
they see a bitter, negative bitch who hates everything and ever has anything good to say even when i'm the one in the conversation NOT making judgements about everyone i see. NOT saying something rude about every person i think of. yep--i'm the bitch. ok. you just can't see past yourself to anything else.
i feel alone all the time. and i shouldnt, i dont want to be in that place again. it was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me, to feel alone like that. i dont want that again. i cant do that again.
it drives me freaking nuts. everyone here is like, "why dont you party, why dont you ever have fun, bla bla bla." i dont need to be drunk off my ass to feel good. i'm sorry if i know myself enough to be above that, but i am. and i do. i like to think. i like to watch people. i like to observe and be quiet and listen to people and HEAR WHAT THEY SAY. i want to read, and paint, and do what makes me happy. i'm sorry if that isnt good enough for you. but that is who i am, and i dont need people amking me feel like that isnt ok. no one has the right to tell me i'm not ok, and i'm sick of hearing it. i've hear it FOREVER and if you dont like who i am, what i'm about, or how i conduct myself leave me alone and find some dumb drunk slut to hang out with. do what makes you happy, and let me do the same.
i just have such a hard time believing God hears me. i feel like whenever anything good happens, it goes away. i feel i'm constantly struggling to have faith in Him and never being sure, when it should be the other way around. i want to feel secure in my faith and in what i know in my heart is true, but it's just...i dont know. i know what's right, and usually i do the right thing. i am a good person, and you made me see that. but i dont have that closeness. that relationship. i want that and dont know how to believe in it. i dont. i just want someone to talk to, tha understands. someone who i feel comfortable with, who i know wont be angry if i call them in the middle of the night just to know someone is there and knows i'm hurting, someone who can help me. and i have some people like that, but no one here. they are all home or away.
.:you opened my eyes, you opened the door to something i'd never known before:.
------------>music of the heart
29.9.06
6.9.06
actually NOT from jen, this is my life in the extremely early, (23 minutes into it) morning
1. Name: kristina marie
2. Your nick names: nina, but only if you're related or natalie
3. birthday: february 11, 1988
4. Place of Birth:jacksonville
5. zodiac Sign: aquarius
7. Grade: c/o '10 a la SCAD
6. Male or Female : girly parts
8.school: THE savannah college of art and design
9. Occupation: life
10. Residence: jacksonville + savannah
11. Screen Name: kristinamarie211
__Your Appearence___
12. Hair Color: auburn
13. Hair Length: tiny, touches the nape of my neck
16. Height: 5'6
17. Braces?: only for 6 years, but who counted?
18. Glasses?: yes, and contacts
19. Piercings: 5 [all ears]
20. Tattoos: not as of yet. i cant decide if i want one
21. Righty or Lefty: right
___Your 'Firsts'___
22. First best friend: miss natalie anne
24. First pet: cocoa, our cat when i was 2. i named her after cocoa puffs cereal.
wheres 25?
26. First Real Vacation: no idea, probably disney when i was three and threw up on the bus to fort wilderness.
27. First kiss: christopher ryan brinkey. and it was good.
___ Favorites___
29. Movie(s): lord, umm...RENT, crash, elizabethtown
30. TV Show: house
31. Color: red
32. Rapper:haha....right. i love ee cummings though.
36. Candy: twizzler pull-n-peel, dark chocolate, red swedish fish, cotton candy
37. Sport To Play: i like lifting weights. a lot.
38. Sport To Watch: college basketball
39. Favorite brand to wear: i like tank tops and jeans and flip flops. and my new plaid shorts.
40. Store: target and old navy
41. School: savannah.the.college.of.art.and.design.that.kicks.ass
43. Book: blue like jazz [don miller]
44. Magazine:seventeen + allure
___Currently___
49. Eating: nothing, but made brownies tonight in honor of their 100th anniversary today. seriously. it was.
50. Drinking: was drinking:milk
51. Typing: this.
52. Online?: as per usual. iChat.
53. Listening To: ben folds live
54. Thinking About: moving.
55. Wanting To: hug mitchell and natalie
56. Watching: the letters appear as i type.
57. Wearing: black lace tank + men's running shorts
___Your Future___
58. Want Kids?: not most days. but i will become pregnant in the first year of marriage with twins if that's an accurate answer. it is my fate. i want boys.
59. Want to be Married?: it is my life goal. not to be married, but to find my soulmate.
60. Careers in Mind: artistic director for a magazine
__Have you ever______
81. Ran Away From Home: no, i always liked home.
82. broken a Bone: both wrists simultaneously. nice huh?
83. Got an X-ray: about a 100
84. Gone to a Concert: a few, but Fallout Boy was my ultimate.
85. Broken Someones Heart: yes. fair is fair.
86. Turned Someone Down: yes. with good reason.
87. Cried When Someone Died: who hasn't?
88. Cried At School: yes. i'm emotional, back off.
___Do You Believe In___
89. God: yes.
90. Miracles: i believe in goodness, in people and in situations.
91. Love At First sight: only lust
92. Ghosts: i havent given it much thought.
94. Soul Mates: not one, but i believe there are peopl who match you perfectly. and there could be more than one.
95. Heaven: yes
96. Hell:yes
98. Kissing on The First Date: i havent decided. i think you should work for it, but if you worked a lot for a date at all then maybe.
99. horoscopes: not usually, they're more of a self-fulfilling prophecy if you ask me.
___Answer Truthfully___
100. Is There Someone You Want But You Know You Can't Have?: _i love mitchell. he is mine. i have him. so no._________
i'm lonely
it's 11:30. which you can plainly see from the timestamp on this entry. [the thing i hate about my mac and journaling is that i cannot bold, italicize, nor underline anything. we all know it is a passion i have.] but moving on. moving. thats what will happen in 36 hours, give or take. i will be living somewhere else, in a different state, a new place. [i also hate this keyboard, because i have to punch extra intensely for the stupid letters to show up, and everything is spaced just differently enough for me to constantly hit the wrong letters. and, for no particular reason, i am hitting the wrong letters completely out of order anyway. fuck this. i hate it.]
but, i will be gone. i spent the whole day packing up my life in boxes, bags, crevices, spaces. it's so different from everything i thought it would be. i thought i would look around my room and have it feel empty and cold, but it doesnt. it looks relatively the same. i didnt think it would take so long though. i neglected to think of the little things i would need, like paper clips, extra lead for my mechanical pencils, socks [which sounds stupid, but i never wear them,] my Rx allergy pills incase i get sick [which i will because it happens every year in fall--->winter like a clockwork orange (i just like the play on words,)] and extra razor blades (because i cannot simply go to the drawer and extract a new, sharp one being as the drawer containing them will be two hours away.)
my last real night with mitchell was last night. it was nice until he decided he needed to go home because he was tired and had school the next morning. and i cant blame him, but the second he said he needed to go until i was driving myself home i just cried. i cried and cried and wanted to lock him away in my car and never let him out. it's hitting me now, that i am moving away. i will no longer be within a 10- or 25-minute drive away. i will see him, although not as ofetn, and we'll still talk on the phone, but it's just so...final. so real to me now. he didnt say a word in the car while we headed home and didnt try to comfort me, but i think he was trying to keep it together to make it easier. or at least trying to avoid the truth. i do love him. with this intensity, this strength i cant explain. it isnt even what i would call passion really, there's just this deep connection to him, between his soul and mine that is always open. he's given me so much, taught me so much about myself, helped me learn to love myself in spite of others, discover who i am and what i want, helped me grow spiritually more than probably any other person has. he's just this light in my life, and without him life was liveable, but so much more gray. without him, i dont feel whole. not in an, "i need him to make me a complete person" kind of way, but in a, "my life is enriched when he is in it," kind of way. there was, and sometimes still is, so much doubt about the future. there always will be, becasue naturally i dont know where i will end up, but the more i actually consider it, i know things will be ok. just hearing his voice is reassuring. i think he can make it, and if we can't, i'll have learned some of the most important lessons of my life from a person i will love forever, someone who can't ever leave my heart, who i will keep close to me forever.
.many waters cannot drown love.
but, i will be gone. i spent the whole day packing up my life in boxes, bags, crevices, spaces. it's so different from everything i thought it would be. i thought i would look around my room and have it feel empty and cold, but it doesnt. it looks relatively the same. i didnt think it would take so long though. i neglected to think of the little things i would need, like paper clips, extra lead for my mechanical pencils, socks [which sounds stupid, but i never wear them,] my Rx allergy pills incase i get sick [which i will because it happens every year in fall--->winter like a clockwork orange (i just like the play on words,)] and extra razor blades (because i cannot simply go to the drawer and extract a new, sharp one being as the drawer containing them will be two hours away.)
my last real night with mitchell was last night. it was nice until he decided he needed to go home because he was tired and had school the next morning. and i cant blame him, but the second he said he needed to go until i was driving myself home i just cried. i cried and cried and wanted to lock him away in my car and never let him out. it's hitting me now, that i am moving away. i will no longer be within a 10- or 25-minute drive away. i will see him, although not as ofetn, and we'll still talk on the phone, but it's just so...final. so real to me now. he didnt say a word in the car while we headed home and didnt try to comfort me, but i think he was trying to keep it together to make it easier. or at least trying to avoid the truth. i do love him. with this intensity, this strength i cant explain. it isnt even what i would call passion really, there's just this deep connection to him, between his soul and mine that is always open. he's given me so much, taught me so much about myself, helped me learn to love myself in spite of others, discover who i am and what i want, helped me grow spiritually more than probably any other person has. he's just this light in my life, and without him life was liveable, but so much more gray. without him, i dont feel whole. not in an, "i need him to make me a complete person" kind of way, but in a, "my life is enriched when he is in it," kind of way. there was, and sometimes still is, so much doubt about the future. there always will be, becasue naturally i dont know where i will end up, but the more i actually consider it, i know things will be ok. just hearing his voice is reassuring. i think he can make it, and if we can't, i'll have learned some of the most important lessons of my life from a person i will love forever, someone who can't ever leave my heart, who i will keep close to me forever.
.many waters cannot drown love.
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