chicken, rice, ice cream, skin...you can fry them all

so...being in the sun everyday and only putting on minimal amounts of SPF is not reccomended. especially two days before getting your senior pictures taken. oh well--thats life.

i got my new planner. yeah--that was a thrill. it's the same kind as last year's...well, exactly the same really, just a different cover. i've already redone the inside covers and made them all pretty. and my momma went to get my books for school yesterday because she loves me.

kristina's senior schedule includes:

x: marine biology (coia)

a: religion IV (chastain)

b: english IV (jordan)

c: advanced weight training/aerobics (tba)

d: government and economics (shad)

e: art portfolio (holechek)

f: psychology/sociology (winkler)

31133

yeah, so if anyone has a class with me or my lunches, [kelly--we only have 2! : ( ] then let me know.

i didnt expect to be upset last night. not until the band quieted down and bryan started talking anyway. after about five minutes of his christmas story, i knew i was done for. i just dont love myself. at all. i've heard from certain people in my life that i'm not worth anything enough times to begin believing it. and it isnt even always what people say. people dont realize the impact of they're actions, the glances they give, they way they begin treating other people...you never realize what effect you have on someone else until it's too late to change it. bryan and i were talking last night about one of Rob Bell's Noomas...Luggage. he talks about a few things in that particular video, but one thing he mentions--that struck me the very first time i heard it on epworth this past year--was that some people are toxic. there are just some people who for whatever reason poison everything they come into contact with. people who make you hurt, make you sad, make you hate. and for whatever reason, they cant stop. i'm the sort of person who thrives on the approval and aceptance of others. i know i dont come off that way most of the time, but it tears me up inside if someone is angry with me or someone decides they dont like me.

so why then, can i not let go of the toxic people in my life? thats the one thing that makes no sense. well--scratch that, in a way it does. the people who poison me arent giving me the approval i need, and so i guess i hold on tothe hope that someday they'll respect me and actually give a damn. but thats just it--they'll never see the hurt they cause me and anyone else they poison...the ones they hurt most are themselves.

i just cant seem the let go. not of anything. i think i'm starting to realize just how weak my faith is. after thinking about it and looking at my situation from a few angles, i'm starting to realize that i dont trust God. i love Him, and i know that i need Him, but i dont trust Him to handle my problems. i can't seem to ever completely give anything over to Him to deal with. i have this need to hold on to all the crap i lug around because i guess i figure if i hold onto it, i can maybe find the time to sort things out and fix it myself. i have to have a sense of control, and giving things to God destroys my sense of independence.

i know i can choose to be happy. that i can be stronger than those toxic people--i can ignore the hurt they try to cause me. i've heard a million times from my parents, mrs collins, bryan, and certain friends that i cant let people control my sense of self. they say i dont have to listen to what people say to or about me, i dont have to let them win--i can be happy when they want me to cry. but i cant seem to act upon any of it. i'm such a sensitive person. and being that i need approval, i need to  know i'm good enough--trying to ignore hate is nearly impossible.

so all i can do it try to avoid what makes me sad, and try to fill up my life with people who i know love me--who not only say it, but show it consistently. people who are there to build me up, and to help soothe the pain i've inflicted on myself. i just need to learn to love again.

.:as i rest against this cold hard, oh will you pass me by? will you criticize me as i sit and cry? i had fought so hard and thought that al my battles had been won, only to find the war had just begun. is he not strong enough? is he not pure enough? to brake me, pour me out, and start again? is he not brave enough to take one chance on me? oh, can i have one chance to start again?:.

intense...

i just finished the new Harry Potter book. and anyone who is going to crack a joke about it can just X on out of my lovely journal now--you chose to read it, you can deal with what it says, you have absolutely no permission to dislike anything i say.

that being said, it was really dark. very good, and left you hanging...it was dark. i can't believe what happened...and i wont discuss it further for people who havent finished the book yet--like my mommy who i know will read this. i told you i wouldnt spoil the ending. i need to go back and re-read the fifth one though, i couldnt remember a bloody ( i'm turning british already...dont get too excited by my chosen vernacular, patrick) thing that happened. now i cant wait for the last one to come out so i can see how she ties up all the loose ends. i must say, she wrote herself into a mighty large hole--she has serious gaps to fill in one book.

moving on...my painting has had no success in progression since i last mentioned it. i dont even remember how long ago that was...so thats saying something. but, i did manage to spill my whole jar of paint thinner onto my carpet and walls today...so, thats some form of progress...only in that i will be forced to use fresh, un-contaminated, c l e a r  mineral spirits....maybe that will refresh my creative drive. this is all just a bunch of useless, air-filled bable. i need to do something else to get my mind off it, see things form another perspective. tara--this is me reminding you that you need to bring me a canvas if you hope to have any sort of art for your dorm room.

i'm probably the most singularly anal person i can think of at the moment. i cant wait to go to Borders to pick out a new planner for the next school year. i love getting organized like that, i'm itching to get my hands on my new schedule for school, to figure out my lunches and classes and get my books and folders and pens all organized and ready...the nerd in me has erupted. watch out....it's been known to be highly contagious.

.:thanks for making me smile when i thought nothing could...thanks for doing the things i never thought anyone would. thanks for being there, just because you should:.

madams and sirs.

this is the lovely tara updating from kristina's journal. we've had our girls night out tonight....wansnt very productive, but splendid as always. apperantly i don't look good in the color red....so remind me of that : ) haha-

but anyway. kristina is talking to mitch biatch right now.....so im taking the liberty to update.

anybody know about Michael Buble? yes i know were all secretly in love with him. but if you havent heard his beautiful voice, then get to kicking. ***i would recomend the song "home" if your a Michael Buble "virgin" if you will.

well that's all for now-

peace out yo.

you keep me alive, keep me smiling

i have to be the dumbest person ever. i have everything i could ever need, and i have almost everything i want. i have food, money, clothes, a car, a few true friends, someone who loves me...but i'm not happy. i still just feel empty. i dont feel any different inside now than i did the day i cried infront of the whole church trying to tell people about my depression. i am the lost, scared child inside that i have been for the last 6 months. i'll just cry for no reason, be sad for blocks of time with nothing significant to trigger it. im angry most of the time. the only time i'm truly happy is when i'm with mitchell, natalie, tara, or my parents. thats it. and thats not even all the time. thats just usually when i'm happy.

i feel like everyone veiws me as this cold, hard, uncaring and unloving person. like, everyone sees me as the cynic who doesnt feel anything. i dont view myself as a good person. i view myself a bitch. isnt that sad? i have like 2 ounces of self esteem, they come from the five people i'm happy around. i dont like my body, i dont like my attitude, i dont like my sarcasm, i dont like my bluntness, i dont like that i have hardly any control over what comes out my mouth--good, bad, or otherwise. i always say what i think and thats almost always the stuff that no one either, a. has the guts to say outloud, b. wants to talk about because its uncomfortable, c. wants to hear becuase they dont agree, d. all of the above. 

i'm just so damn sick of feeling this way. i want to feel complete, i want to feel like i have a purpose, i want to feel SOMETHING. i have no relationship with God right now, that makes me want to die inside. i cant feel Him, i can find Him anywhere. soon i'll resort to checking for Himin my hamper of dirty clothes. i just want to love myself. is that too much to ask? i want to like who i am. i want people to actually like me back. i want to like people in return.

.:she's a question without answers who feels like falling apart. sheknows she's so much more than worthless, she needs to find her purpose, she wonders what she did to deserve this:.

worth a thousand words...

here are some pictures from tour and the summer so far.

enjoy.

 

and if you say this makes you happy then i'm not the only one lying

its been a whole like three days since i've been in the sun, but my tan is diminishing. i need to lay out. we should work on that. if it would freaking stop raining. i know i said i like rain, but not when it interferes with my agenda. what a sun brat i am.

i miss my school friends. i havent seen most of them at all since summer started. i got to see my katie, amy, and jackie...but not my anna, caroline, or my kelly. i miss my girls. : (  we should work on that.

i keep feeling like i need to update, but i never have anything to say. my life is boring. all except my manbeast. haha. he's good...keeps me entertained and laughing. he is amazing.

.:i am hanging on every word you say and even if you dont wanna sleep tonight, thats alright, alright with me. cuz i want nothing more than to sit outside your door and listen to you breathing--thats where i wanna be:.

maybe you shouldnt have chicken fried rice two nights in a row

i cant tell you how boring Home Depot is. its like my HELL. wow. i hate it.

panera is far less intimidating when the creepy, i havent showered in three months, i'm gunna check you out and listen to my sketchy headphones while you eat, i'm a sicko guy isnt there. broccoli cheddar soup is my comfort food.

thats me at navy ball with good ole' patrick. arent we cute? i finally got to wear my prom dress! haha..it was an interesting night, let's leave it at that.

the world casts its frusterations upon your heart--let me take them out

Are we growing up or just going down
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears and put them on ice
I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light

We're the therapists pumping through your speakers
Delivering just what you need
We're well read and poised
We're the best boys
We're the chemists who've found the formula
To make your heart swell and burst
No matter what they say, don't believe a word

Cause I'll keep singing this lie if you'll keep believing it

We're traveled like gypsies
Only with worse luck and far less gold
We're the kids you used to love
But then we grew old
We're the lifers here til the bitter end
Condemned from the start
Ashamed of the way
The songs and the words own the beating of our hearts

Are we growing up or just going down
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
take our tears and put them on ice
I'd burn this city down to show you the light
There's a drug in the thermostat to warm the room up
And another around to help us bend your trust
I've got a sunset in my veins
And I need to take a pill to make this town feel okay

The best part of "Believe" is the "Lie,"
I hope you sing along and you steal a line
I need to keep you like this in my mind
So give in or just give up

[my favorite fallout boy]

the loved one

its been a while. my apologies.

nothing of keen interest has happened since my last update, except for this weekend. this weekend was very enjoyable, if i do say so myself.

i got a new car. she's quite lovely, mostly because she is all mine and i couldnt be more relieved, excited, happy, or thankful. my parents are amazing for buying it for me, and i love them both. she's a lovely little ford Escape. Jacque pee and i have BFF cars now--they're almost identical! haha, both gray--i think mine's darker than hers. she has Betty Boop floor mats which are so funny...i laughed out loud when i saw them. i am in love with little Betty.

sunday was good too--went to church, surprised natalie and tara with Betty. they didnt know about her...reactions were quite amusing. haha. WHOA. then tara and i headed to Mama Fu's for some yummy chicken terryaki. yesterday natalie, her fam, jamey and i all went to fernandina to the beach. it was awesome. i havent had that much fun in a while. those water slides are INSANE. Bryan--if you're reading this...i want to suggest going here for youth week instead of Hanna Park...come on...beach + go karts + water slides + super ghetto awesome arcade and pool tables + super cheap food = an amazing time. i will though tell you of its perfection in person...just thought i'd get a head start. ;).

anywho--that was awesome and fun. then last night mitchell, natalie, jamey, and i all were gunna go see fireworks--we didnt because of the drippyness. yes--i said drippyness--it is a word now. buck up. so we watched Alfie instead. i have to say it was better than i had expected, BUT it took way too long to wrap up. oh well. haha, getting lost in mandarin is lovely. : )

.:situation candle light, enough to see the bits around you, but it's never very bright. we're giving love:.

--my lovely gavin