this weekend was...well in a word-- C-R-AZY.
dont you love lovely moments? threads in the blanket of time? special, unexcpected,a lmost phenominal surprises that are so wonderful you want to cry for fear of losing it, and cry for being so happy it happened.
.: This is the start of something good, dont you agree?:.
amazing is He who breathed life into me.
i come home to find that once again God has provided a solution to my problem. i found a new First Aid for your soul Bible, The Case for Faith by Lee Strobel, and 2 christian cds on my desk. i say i feel distant and need a renweal of faith and David, the one and only, Henderson writes me a letter of encouragement and kindess. God sens me books about Him and faith.
i think He's shoving the whole, "I want God to come down and talk to me" thing in my face. I got the message. I love you.
.:All things are feasible through great love and great faith:.
i've heard that somewhere, but i dont know where or who said it
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Situation candlelight
Enough to see the bits around you
But it's never very bright
Stare at a memory
You, through the grapevine, heard the truth
It's good to learn from your mistakes
But that only works in youth
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
the weather the past few days has been amazing. i just love being in it, around it, feeling it.
although i have a multitude on my plate at the moment i find myself not stressing over any of it. i am a master of what some like to call the ultimate torture device: the research paper. i can pop one-a-those suckers out in like 2 hours max. its a gift i plan on never sharing with the world. haha. my writing is another story, no pun intended, entirely.
i seem to be in a continual state of severe exhaustion. i dont know how it began or when, but its taking its toll.
i dont have to be anything other than the birth of two souls in one.
an original:.
if time were to stand still,
if words were forever erased,
i dont think it would matter much.
i see what you feel written all over your face.
in the quiet of private moments
in the stillness of this place
the silence proclaims these tokens,
the whispers of emotion that sometimes we cant say
the softness of that gaze,
the energy in this place,
i dont know how you do what you do to me,
but you do it so amazingly
the traces of your touch,
reminiscent of a warm breeze,
i feel your presence still with me
the promise of more moments never out of reach
with petal-softness you reach through,
past the the facade and inside into me
you've always seen what was there
you always knew what to do...
the softness of that gaze,
the energy of this place,
i dont know how you do what you do to me,
but you do it so amazingly...
so amazingly.
it's like a piece of glass--its beautiful, smooth...perfect. you want it so badly but you stop yourself. you realize if you pick it up and carry it with you, it could shatter and you'll never get it back. but if you dont pick it up...you'll never be able to share that beauty with the one you need to share it with most.
i'm picking up the glass. one...four...three.
the past few days have been magical
i mean that in a surprisingly beautiful sense
sunny days are the best, little kids running around and giggling...a carpet of grass softened with the rain...
an original:.
the way you carry yourself, your moods a rainbow of variety, the crutch you carry is your insecurity.
short, sweet, to the point.
moving on...
.:on the way down i saw you and you saved me from myself. and i wont forget the way you loved me:.
i've felt such a strong sense of....idleness.
i dont feel as if my life is serving any higher purpose at all. i want to feel as if i made a difference for someone somewhere, did something that matters, meant the words i sang and practiced what i used to preach. something is missing in my life, and i know there is a void in my heart where God used to securely dwell. i never meant to push Him out, i never meant to be inhospitable. but i didnt do a good job i guess. i cant feel Him anywhere around me. well--maybe i can, i mean i can see Him in everything there is, in the people i love, in the sunsets i see sitting on the wall in san marco, in the songs i listen to and in turn sing myself...but i cant feel a distinct calling in my life.
you read in the bible about men and God. how God would call out from the heavens and audibly converse with Joshua, or Moses, or come to Joseph in his dreams. why can't thing like that happen now? why can't God just pop into my room and sit down with me and say, "Listen Kristina, i know you feel lost right now and you feel like i havent been there. I know that you long to do more than you are and i know you truly want to find me. well, i'm right here and all you have to do is love me and trust that i'll lead you where you need to be." why can't God just do that? who knows...is it that i'm just not listening God? are you trying to reach me but i'm just not picking it up?
i hear songs about purity, holiness, trusting the Lord, praising....i see people reading the bible and contributing to discussions at church, observe people praising God when they think no one is looking. and i wonder if anyone sees that in me. do i represent what i say i believe? am i an example for others to follow? can anyone really see God in me? i dont know.
.:the nearness of You:.
Judy
Could anyone be loved anymore
than I love you
does it hurt you too?
Well, Judy
I've been feeling small too long
I love you so
but something's wrong
and I come running when you want me here
and when you want me to, I disappear
Judy
I knew if I made it easy for you
you'd settle for me, yeah eventually
but Judy
I can't be myself anymore
it's way too hard
being loved by default
and I can't do this any longer
the vacuum left is so much stronger
Judy
Judy you know I'm not mad anymore
at least most of the time
but it could take a while
I've been living just to see you smile
ever once in a while
tears fall
but that don't mean nothing at all
Just cause I said it first
that's why it hurts
And Judy,
I won't be your bitch anymore
and follow you around
and hold the door
i'm not sorry if
you're not sorry
and you're not sorry
till I make you Judy
Judy
Give Judy
Give Judy My Notice
Give Judy My Notice
who would expect it? no one, least of all me. i waited for it, and now i reap the benefits. you told me that cold dead morning this day would come. now i wish i had only believed. driving while tracing circles on my knee, i only wanted this--you and me.
deodorant is such a funny thing. have you ever noticed? girl deodorant is named all sorts of frilly things: "whisper", "blossom", any fruit on earth...you know. dumb names. but they ALL SMELL THE SAME. all of them. then there's guys deo. come on..."arctic chill", "glacier rain", "dynamic pulse", "ocean surf" yeah...CHEESE-A-LICIOUS.
ok..so then there's the whole deodorant-how-you-like-it deal. sticks, creams, gels, sprays, roll-ons....i mean come on people. its crap you shove under your pits...how many variations do we need? the gels, sprays and roll-ons are no good because you have the walk around with your arms in the air like your being arrested for like 10 minutes so your pits can dry. sticks are the only way to go, prefferably in the invisible solid. who wants white streaks on their shirt?
i cant believe how lazy i've been. i am terribly sorry for the few of you who actually read this daily. i've been...busy and preoccupied come to mind. my life has been alright i suppose but busy.
the addition of three research papers is not helping at all.
i will never miss the smell of Formalin. (formaldehyde substitute)
and i dont have anything to say. i'll try to get myself back on track.
.:who doesnt love scattergories?:.
wow.
s p r i n g b r e a k was a beautiful thing. so wonderful infact, that i do not wish to attend school in the following weeks
so...skinning a cat is cool. wanda toughed it out like the cougar we all knew she could be.
i want a friend
