...beautiful dripping fragments....

an original:.

sometimes i wonder about where i'm going i'm stuck here in this place never moving, never healing never knowing which way is up  

is there some detail i've lost? something i didn't see did i take it all for granted too consumed by you forgetting me  

 i lie awake in the middle of the night wondering if you're dreaming what you're thinking, if i was ever all right  

what can i do to make you see will you ever realize what you mean to me it's all in vain but i'll try again i'll never give up on letting you in  

the icing on the cake it just adds to the pain here inside my skin is where this heartache remains  

i wish i knew, i want to understand i hate feeling so lost inside my own delicate skin i miss the sunlight brushing against my face i'm sick of staying here in the dark, cold place  

there are things i want to say that i just cant seem to get out my emotions pour out in slow motion endlessly dripping from my mouth i just want you to know i'm alive

so sorry journal...

i totally forgot. it was our two year anniversary yesterday. ours. and i forgot. i hope you can forgive me. [if you're thinking i'm talking about a guy you must be insane...no one would ever stick around that long for me.]

what i'm talking about is my journal. 2 years of therapy. she's been there for everything, she helps me vent my anger, express my joy, share my sorrow...she is always there for me--always waiting for what i have for her next. i think she knows me better than any person does at times...i share things with her no one knows...she knows my secret thoughts. here's to 2 years of my life...its because of her that i've been able to open up to the world, or my small corner of it.

my hope is that i may, in some small way, be able to help someone else by writing exactly who i am and how i am in this journal. that maybe someone can sit back and say--"gee, i'm glad i'm not alone in feeling like that" i want people to feel like someone understands them. my wish is that no one would understand how i feel because i wouldnt wish it on anyone--but i know some people do, and maybe knowing they arent alone can give them some small gleam of peace. maybe a deep breath that can take them on for a little while longer--help them trudge through to the end.

happy birthday journal. you've been good to me.

i hope whoever you are seeing this can breathe a little easier today.

like a warm drink that seeps into my soul...

i love this song. it's been on repeat every morning as i ready myself [as much as one can be "readied"] for school and on quiet drives home at night...it gives me peace.

have you ever noticed how some songs you just have to listen to at certain times of the day? i may have already mentioned this at some point or another...but there are "night" songs, "rainy" songs, "sunshine" songs, "night/rainy" combo songs...i love how they can just set the mood, allow you to escape somewhere into your thoughts to that quiet, warm place we all keep reserved for moments like this. moments where your soul seems to float up through your toes and into your hands and mouth and up to the sky. i just love that. long quiet drives to nowhere in particular...your journey has this aura of mystery about it--you are free. and then, as if by some small miracle, you hear this song. something that takes you away above the trees and into this secret, private place that is all your own where you can be anyone and live openly and be silly all at the same time. music is probably my favorite thing in the world: it is my escape.

sometimes i wonder about where i'm going. not in a literal sense...most of the time i have a general idea of where i'll end up--this is more of a philosophical type of curiosity. i have this life, this gift that i want to spend as lavishly as i can, and yet i seem to be stuck in this place where all my time is wasted essentially. i'm not living the way i imagine my dream life to be. this makes me hurt inside. i dont want to regret things. i think being bold enough to take care of things that hold you back is admirable. i firmly believe that no matter what the cost, you should always let people know how much they mean to you. even when it hurts you. you'll never regret loving someone more than missing out on love.

i have decided there is one absolute truth to life, one key to happiness and inner peace. i have in no way mastered the practice of this truth--but i believe it to be of supreme importance. if you let yourself continually experience this, it's pretty much impossible to live in an unhealthy way. and the concept seems elementary, and to an extent it very much is: love. i mean really...if you just love with complete abandon, passion, sincerity, and realness...you will have lived more richly than the most powerful people alive. it seems so simple yet is so difficult to put into practice. i want to love. i have a deep and longing desire to love. i need to love. i need to be loved. love is what makes the world a tolerable place to exist.

i have hurt for so long. i am hurting now. i miss this so much i am in pain. i need this so badly, this thing that hurts me, i need it. i need it in my bones, i need it to heal myself. its absence has made a part of me die. i can feel the crumbly brown pieces of my heart falling away. i want the love. i want my love back. i want to feel love, to be enveloped by love, warmed, comforted, cherished, cloaked, soaked, surrounded, suffocated by it. i am addicted to this idea i have in my head. this thought of absolute love. this fulfillment...it will be able to brush away the crumbly brown parts of me and fill up the crevices; to heal that space that is left behind. all i want is for You to take away the crumbly brown pieces...they are festering inside of me and killing me. You need to brush them away and heal them. i need You to. i need You to heal me. i cant live with the crumbly brown parts. smooth out my soul. make me whole. You can do it, and i'm asking for Your help. i need You. i need this to make it to my eighteenth year, to my new life at college, to my wedding, to my urn. i need You to help me get rid of the crumbly browns so i can make it to all of that. i'm trusting You'll heal them...i can't live with them anymore.

love is the center of everything. love wins.

i need you more than ever

so--apologies for the slowness with which i seem to be moving recently. i've been busy/had several things on my mind.

i pray that this is good. its all i've wanted for so long, i was miserable everyday i was away from it. i had dreams about it comming back to me. the worst feeling in the world was waking up to find it was in fact only a dream. please dont be the dream--be real for me. i need it to be real.

 

arggghhh matees.

pirate night was a huge success if you ask me...and you're here, so basically you just did ask me. go everyone for geting into it and dressing up--it was awesome. : )  too bad there wasn't time for pirates of the carribean trivia....oh well.

this weekend was a nice break from the shit that is my life. i love you natalie. you make me shine. memoirs of a geisha was really really good--i dont think it was supposed to be funny though--but it was. haha "i want a life that is mine!" lordy. who doesnt love crazy chinese people pretending to be japanese people speaking english...

somehting interesting was brought to my attention over the weekend as well...we'll see what develops...who knows. i sure as hell dont--and i have learned not to bother trying.

it was nice talking to you this weekend, i enjoyed it a lot, as i enjoy all our conversations. i'll definitely be calling you if it snows...thats something you must see in the flesh. preferably in more than your boxers but hey--it's totally optional.

wait--what was that? kristina has a 4.0? WHAT? thats right...i'm freaking incredible. first time since elementary school that i've gotten straight a's...and that was only like one other time. it brought my cumulative GPA up 0.2 and i have a BK GPA of....dun da na....4    .    0   saweeeeeeeet!

.:measure your life in love:.

i wonder about the outcome of a still verdictless life

what the hell can i do for you? i cant even ask you a damn question without attitude and defensive bullshit from you. all i have to do is speak in your general direction and you go f*ing balistic. why?! the in the HELL did i ever do to you besides get myself dumb self born? sorry about that by the way--maybe i'f i'm nice i can get mom to let me crawl back inside her for a while....yeah. ok. i mean seriously...all you do is sit on your lazy ass all day long...you rot in your room and never come out unless your going to get junk food or you have to pee or god forbid one of your 8 million guy "friends" calls....oh yeah..then theres that damn annoyance next door...dont you just wish she'd die? would that finally make you happy? if i wasnt around? because if its true you're lucky--i'm moving my ass out of here in a few months. you are one of my top reasons. i cant live with you. you drive me out of my freaking mind...i'd die if i was you. i honestly want to leave this stupid town so that i might be able to find some peace away from you.

the only thing i want before i go is for you to tell me to my face what the hell you find so absolutely revolting and blood-curdling about me. really--i want to know why i'm such an awful person...when i stand up for you when people talk shit about you whether i want to or not--quite frankly...you dont always deserve it. when  i  hear you say rude things, horrendous things under your breath about people in the room...when you go freaking insane and scream as if you're being chopped up into little pieces over the smallest little thing you cant let go and turn into world war III....when you bitch me out for asking you a question 4 times becuase you either purposely ignore me or are just so used to pretending i'm not there you honestly dont realize i exist..i think its the previous for the record...when you make me cry. you make me cry all the time. you hurt me everyday and it doesnt even PHASE you. you dont even care. you probably dont even know. no--i take that back, i think you're a competent person...saying you "dont realize it" is a cheapy copout that you dont deserve. you make me feel like the shit stuck to the bottom of the trash can. you make me feel like i dont deserve air in my lungs. you. make. me. want. to. die.  do you even realize how what you do and what you say affects me? do you even give a shit? DO YOU?!?!  you dont...you dont pay attention. you're so wrapped up in your own miserable life that you dont even realize that while you kick and scream and tell everyone in the house you hate them when you're really mad at some stupid guy that i shake with sobs because you terrify me. you terrify me when you do that. do you understand? ever since i can remember you've been doing that...since i was three...i never knew what was wrong with you...i used to think you were going to get put up for adoption because you were so crazy or that mom and dad would get a freaking divorce over you. i was a child...not even 5 years old when i started thinking that. it scared the living hell out of me....everytime to this day and until the day i die that will always terrify me. i will always break down completely and sob for an hour over you for no reason other than i think you will physically harm yourself becuase you either dont know how else to handle your pain or you are in such a crazed rage you arent thinking properly. do you even realize how much you're stupid tantrums about asshole jerks affects the rest of the house? do you even care? some guy acting like a jerk and pissing you off doesnt just hurt you babe....it hurts all of us--number one because i hate when you get upset and always will, and number two because you freak out so bad that no one can function normally until you calm down.

and i cant even ask you a simple favor without you crawling all over me and giving me attitude out your ass. i cant say to you, "will you come help me do this?" because you "wont hear" me, i'll repeat myself, you'll freak out because i've stood in your presence for more than 10 seconds and it annoys you, you'll call me a bitch for getting angry that you treat me like shit, i'll cry because i think you hate me and wish i was dead, and then you go on as if nothing happened...just fine. you are not affected. i on the other hand am be "counselled"  yep--i'd say thats a fair trade...wouldnt you?

you have no idea how much the way you live affects everyone around you. i pray you realize it before it causes anyone--including yourself--any serious damage.

i wish you were here

I will dedicate
And sacrifice my everything for just a second's worth
Of how my story's ending
And I wish I could know if the directions that I take
And all the choices that I make won't end up all for nothing
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Help me carry on
Assure me it's ok to use my heart and not my eyes
To navigate the darkness
Will the ending be ever coming suddenly?
Will I ever get to see the ending to my story?
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
So when and how will I know?
How much further do I have to go?
How much longer until I finally know?
Because I'm looking and I just can't see what's in front of me
In front of me
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer

.:the trembling of defeat shakes louder than the drums of war:.

 

here, here! [insert weird phlem-releasing, coughing noise]

haha..tonight was fun--i'm glad i went. no worries--jeff wasnt turning us kiddies into alchies....its ginger ale. heh---it looks real though. natalie, you make me giggle. i adore you.

pictures:

1. the "before" picture

2. the "after" picture

3. natalie, the sexy house wife

4. i'm not sure what i was doing..but my arm looks beastly.

5. jamey, digging for treasure

6. jeff--basking in his party-throwing glory

7. ? its just weird looking

8. i so felt like i was drinking scoth or something

9. the ball dropping at 11:59:16 pm December 31, 2005..mere seconds before the new year

10. yay!  it's 2006. [ooooooohhhhhh-siiiiiix!] thats just for you jake.