yeahhhh!

my bestest friend is getting married. awesome! i love you!!!!

highlights.

this scarf is taking much longer than anticipated. annd, i probably dont have enough yarn. blargh.

i'm watching the king and i, i like deborah kerr a lot. but i was bummed to learn she doesnt sing her own songs....they dubbed over her. lame. oh well.

i'm ready for our movie night tomorrow! yay, i feel like we dont get to hang out at allllll. i cant believe how fast christmas is coming, 4 days from tom. then 2 more after that i get to see sammmmmmmm ohhhh happy day. i miss you lots n' lots.

the melting pot

let's just say calling it overpriced is an understatement, but it was really good. minus the bizarre cesaer salad even kim didnt like, i really liked everything---i dont understand how someone cant enjoy dipping various items in cheese or chocolate. i also feel like i might throw up--being stuffed as i am, i believe i ate my weight in cheddar fondue and chocolate peanut butter. i didnt realize we'd get to watch them put together the fondue though, that was cool, you got to see what went in it [all the better to help replicate at home]. the dippers were good: breads, veggies [or crudite if you're fancy like that], and apples for the cheese; cheesecake, strawberries, bananas, pound cake, brownie, rice krispies, and cookie crumb-crusted marshmallows. i went to the bathroom and poof! like magic it was all there--fat kid's delight. in fact, i may send them an email recommending that as the new name for that particular dessert. we even got to take the extra home! yeeeeyyyaaahhh! we also had chicken, steak and shrimp with a broth fondue---it had...uh fresh lime and orange juice, garlic, broth, worcestershire sauce maybe and something else. i cant remember. but it was good. we got potatoes, broccoli, and mushrooms to cook too.

overall it was a fun night out. i wish there was one in savannah we could go to for dessert at least, so fun!

i also started a new brad meltzer book, the book of fate. i read his first two and really like his writing style a lot, i didnt ever get to into the third and i believe this one i'm reading now is his latest--dont quote me. anyway i like him immensely. his webpage is interesting------------>
www.bradmeltzer.com


enjoy.

its not as easy as willing it all to be right--gotta be more than hoping its right.

i'm amazed by how much the events of the past few months seem to have...not...fazed you. i guess if it isnt bothering you and you dont care to make any changes then i am free to stop giving a shit.

which would be nice.

kind of need to know though. well, i take that back. i'm sure you'll....let me know.

and until then, freebird baby.

new colors!

my blog looks like a strong cup of coffee. and coffee ice cream. and chocolate covered espresso beans. [by the way its eSpresso, not eXpresso.] and my mocha cheesecake.

and i am officially hungry. oh well i love it!

sara bareilles + matt nathanson

saw them on....the 7th i think. at House of Blues in Orlando. it was really good, i like them both. i had only heard 1 matt nathanson song, car crash, and liked it but i liked everything he sang.

and she was just awesome. its always disappointing to find an artist you really like and realize they are crap live--but she was amazing. she has just a really great, very versatile voice. she also did some interesting covers....genie in a bottle? haha.

i like this matt nathanson [his name is so long its annoying to type] song:

come on get higher

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in
If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
I miss the sound of your voice
The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said
If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
I miss the pull of your heart
I taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils and God, when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Singin' sha la la la
Singin' sha la la la la
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me, drown me in love
So wrong, So wrong
So wrong, So right
So come on, get higher
So come on and get higher
'Cause everything works, love
Everything works in your arms


i also had no idea he's been around since '93. he's just now getting really popular, in the mainstream anyway.



i like our dates. its lame we have to resort to watching movies together or something on the phone, but its still at least nice to do something together if thats the only way we get to spend really time together--there's only so much you can talk about. but that isnt really a problem since i can ramble about nothing :)

philadelphia.

...is where i am going december 29, 2008. whoop. i'm so excited, i've been to pennsylvania but never as a tourist so to speak. i want to see all the cool things there. oh yeah--and sam. that too. :)

i cant wait to get my movie! oh i am so pumped it isnt even funny. and then it will be christmas and then i will be pacing furiously and then i'll be on a plane all alone for the first time ever [by myself] and i get to hang out with you for a whole week almost before we have to worry about school and i get to finallyyyy meet your family and i am so very nervous about that and this is the longest sentence ever. and then we get to enjoy a glorious 13 hour drive to savannah. that will be interesting, but i'm glad you dont have to do it alone. we'll have fun, yes we will.

the next two weeks need to go by F A S T.....ha that was supposed to look like those cartoons where they slide by and look like they're running buttt i failed miserably. oh well.

anyway they probably will because i have presents to wrap, everyone will be home next week so hopefully i will be a busy bee seeing all my friends i havent seen in a year and then its christmas!! and then i'll be off. so. freaaaaaaaakking. excited.

the only downside is i am 100% absolutely BROKE until january. but i dnt care. i already got people presents and i got some clothes so it doesnt matter, i just cant go out to eat anytime soon. i'd rather be broke and waiting to go to PA than have money and not be able to see you.

Ray LaMontagne

if you haven't listened to him yet, you should.

i think he is pretty brilliant. i want his last 2 cds, i broke down and bought the first the other day and its really good.
my taste in music has taken a turn for the better and i'm rather enjoying it.



what i like:

not having to worry about homework.


what i dont like:

that not having to worry about homework means you are 897 miles away for over a month. i like our dates. but no more sad movies...king kong is sad. all animal movies seem sad....blah. its really a stunning movie though. i cannot cannot wait for my movie! i'm so excited. i wish you weren't so good at keeping secrets so you could tell me all abut it--except i probably wouldn't ACTUALLY like that. i'm just impatient. ohhhhh everyday i miss you more and more. i'm just ready to get back so we can be together for 20 weeks straight.


i like this ray lamontagne song especially....well the lyrics especially.

shelter

I guess you don't need it
I guess you don't want me to repeat it
But everything I have to give I'll give to you
It's not like we planned it
You tried to stay, but you could not stand it
To see me shut down slow
As though it was an easy thing to do
Listen when
All of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me my love
And I will shelter you
I will shelter you
I left you heartbroken, but not until those very words were spoken
Has anybody ever made such a fool out of you
It's hard to believe it
Even as my eyes do see it
The very things that make you live are killing you
Listen when all of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me my love
I will shelter you
Listen when
All of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
Hey you will shelter me my love
I will shelter you
If you shelter me too
I will shelter you
I will shelter you


it seems appropriate. i just want to see your face.

thebiggest turkey that ever lived.

...was just in my refrigerators. 20 lbs. obviously not the biggest turkey, but huge nonetheless. not thawed, sooooo for our lovely little feast we are having 4 roasted chickens instead. yeahh. i'm so hungry i could eat my arm. i need to finish my anatomy paper and then i am DONE for the quarter with it and all i have to do is finish my scarf. things are going well.

i'm ready to move out of this place, but i dont want you to go so far away, i'm really not happy about it. it'll be fine, it would just be better if we got to spend the holidays together. i wish we could.

i'm getting really sick of this. i dont understand it and its getting old. archaically.

i'm really underwhelmed by you.

the wife in the shining is SO freakin annoying.

ughhhh this movie isnt scary and its irritating as crap because shelley whats-her-face is ridiculously annoying. its literally the worst acting i've ever seen ever. worse than a student film.

chomp chomp gators--that game was embarrassing for Ga, holy cowwww.

YOU COME HOME TOMORROW MORNING!!!! i'm so excited. and i'm excited for my new gold headband, its been so long since i lost the last one. so ready for next weekend's belated dress up partyyyyy.

"i need to smell me a hot dog or somethin, just know i'm alive!"

OH MY GODDDDD

JAMES BOND IS USA'S CHARACTER TO WATCH. no shit he is! he's aweeeesome. 2 weeks for quantum of solace. i'm like peeing my pants in excitement its going to be awesome. even though it has been getting sketchy coverage and it might not be good it will still be awesome because its 007. i'm still heartbroken order of the phoenix isnt coming out. it was supposed to be end of the quarter celebratioon!!!! but no, warner bros sucks.

ohh miss you come back! sunday is very far away. and we have LOST to finish and Dexter to watch and gilmore girls, we will be so busy....watching tv...

i'm so glad you're in my life--you always make me laugh. no seriously.

definitely way bummed sam didnt get a pic with gerard butler. arghhhdnkjsdnf;kd he is beautiful. the photoshopped picture was pretty funny though i wont lie. i wish you weren't in PA this weekend so we could party butttttt you are. and nadine is coming home early so it'll be ok. if we go out i'm going to be tom cruise from top gun since i have the jacket and aviators and save the flapper dress for when you get home so we can dress up togethaaaaa. i cant believe your ear drum is close to bursting. yuck.

i'm like dying. paula is making candies and fudge and i want to crawl through the screen. i'm sad i forgot the pumpkin, thats lame.

by the way natalie i'm so mad you arent coming home for thanksgiving. blargh i am coming to see you, you cant stop me. 3 weeks of school left, yeahhhh! except i dont want to be 897 miles away from sam again for 6 weeks ugghhghghghghghg. lame. lamelamelameee.

the creepiest Vick's commercial just came on. weeeird.

ok i have crap to do.

blargh i really hate that AOL journals closed. this new thing is so complicated and wouldnt let me sign in for like a week and i had to reset passwords and rawwwwrrrrr. its my damn journal, let me get to it when i want yooo.

yay for sam's birthday yesterday, i think i officially won coolest girlfriend ever award. the sad thing is he was that happy with something so simple, and i could feel it, he told me, i knew it and it was awesome. unlike last year. in orlando. sad for you by the way, not him or me. the only sad thing pertaining to sam is that he is going home today for the weekend so i dont get to be a flaptastic flapper until next week. annnddd i get to hang out alone and do homework on friday night yayyy! i am turning into that weird old lady, i have to learn how to crochet for class and everything. jesus, all i need is that stray cat to chill with me and i'm set. i live one extraordinary life i do. actually, i really do. i have never been more pleased with it.

im not excited about building a website. dreamweaver is one scary mutha. so was illustrator, photoshop, and indesign. but i killed them all so i guess it will be ok. ugh my head is spinning, so much to do.


my well of words has run dry.

i am positive that my life would be flawless if i had one of these puppies.

ok. maybe not FLAWLESS....but damn close. they are adorable and FREE! so if anyone really wants a puppy go to this website and contact the people, believe me if i could have one i would have gone yesterday morning. i am jealous of whoever gets these little guys.

http://savannah.craigslist.org/zip/873755902.html

the expression of the one on the right most definitel reads as, "kristina please come adopt me i love you and will never be happy and bouncy if you dont take me home" it kills me.

if anyone doesnt have a christmas/birthday idea...PUPPPPYYYYYYY

sometimes i seriously HATE school.

i hate computers they suck a lot this is a terrible run-on sentence i dont care because computers are the bane of my existence they are useless pieces of plastic and metal that malfunction and never do what they should!!!! ARGGHHHHH

anyway, moving on.

i'm confused as to why this blog saves in Pacific Standard time. i don't live in california. it is not 3, it's six here in savannah. give me MY time.

i really want a huge plate of taco salad, since i finally found bean dip yayyyy! [who knew it was with chips, not the taco assemblying ingredients, not i] but i also bought chicken and veggie kabobs that i need to eat, especially since i put marinade on them earlier. apprehensive about cooking them, since i dont have a grill--i have an oven and a panini maker, neither of which would be my numero uno choice. we'l see how this pans out. interesting. i wish i had noticed the lack of fresh mushrooms and bought some, they are so delicious! yummmmm. but i still want taco salad. lunch tomorrow? i think so.

i'm hoping that the resolution of this whole random repeat print process goes smoothly, since i need to print my entire project thats due wednesday still and i got zero help from my professor this weekend. i'm just terrified everyone will be printing at the same time and i wont be able to. then again logically, the only thing we all share is the pigment, so maybe it wont be such a big deal. i feel so unprepared for this. annndddddddd i just remembered my "feelings board" or whatever the heck she called it. sjkdnfiehfkdsncjn deadlines blow a big one.

off to eat the wizarddddd. um, well i'm not really eating a wizard, its like a play on words get it? its supposed to be "meet" but i'm going to go eat so i changed it? haaa i thought it was funny i dont care if you do.

goodbye.

your site came up as "malicious". ironic? so very much.

i was feeling pretty bad about my eating even though nadine and i kick butt at the gym almost everyday now, we are awesome. but we dont always eat so.....well. but i was reading Glamour and it was talking about the more often you eat every day to better your metabolism [ok, not if you eat 1 cake 6 times a day, that doesnt count. small meals!] will increase, the more cardio you get the better, your resting metabolic rate will increase, caffeine gives you a slight boost, and i try to eat veggies and fruit a lot and drink a crapton of water at the gym so my body wont dehydrate. because let's face the ugly truth---i sweat like a guy. so extra water is like, a phenomenal idea.

ice cream tonight was probably a bad idea but it was so yummy. and lets be honest i work hard to stay in shape so i feel like its ok to do that every once in a while, i try to limit myself. i'm just really hard on myself, i still eat like i always do and i eat a lot sometimes, i just end up feeling kind of guilty at times. but then i just shrug and put on my running shoes. it makes me feel realy good about myself, and i think anyone who has bad self esteem should go run or work out because you feel so good afterwards even if you run for one minute where you couldnt do that before.

i see these people in the gym sometimes and my initial instinct isnt always nice but they're there working their butts off and being healthy and it makes me really happy to see. it doesnt matter what you do, how much weight you lift, or how long you can go on the elliptical....if you're doing it at all props. unless you're sitting in the chairs off to the side staring at people--doesnt count--get out.


just having dinner with you on the floor makes all this crazy school business worth while. or driving to the grocery store at 2 am because we aren't tired and there's nothing to do. or wanting to punch you in the fae when you tickle me so long i cant breathe. the way you look at me is unlike anything. it may have taken me a long time to get here, but it feels like home and i can't imagine my life without you in it.

i wanted a cheeseburger so i ate...cottage cheese?

not the same at all. but its almost 11:30 at night and i feel like driving through wendy's might defeat the purpose mof my workout earlier. i hate trying to be healthy sometimes. lets be honest i'm not exactly great at it.....cupcakes, brownies, cookie dough........ugh. i feel like i just break even.

oh well i'[m eating a cheeseburger soon damnit.

i hate computers.

i dont know how to freaking use photoshop, it doesnt help that our class goes in record speed---niceness only gets you so far as a professor, by the time you stop talking long enough for me to ask a question someone else already has or class is over, we only cover about a 10th of what we need to know to execute our projects well enough to earn an A....i'm so tired.

i hate this class. i hate technology, painting may take a hell of a lot longer but at least i control everything that happens, no random clicks or screw ups or freezing screens.....ughhhhhh

i havent even started my layout because my picture files are so screwed up and its due tuesday awwwwwwwesssome!

i did my best, i did my best.

...trying to make this journal resemble the old one. eh.

this is weird. like wearing someone else's clothes.

"COMEEEE ONNN!"

Dear AOL Journals user,

We're sorry to inform you that on Oct. 31, 2008, AOL® Journals will be shut down permanently. We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

It is very important that you save your Journals content before the shutdown. We're working on a way to easily move your Journal to another blogging service -- you can expect an email within the next week with more details about how to do it. We want the transition to go as smoothly as possible for you, so you'll have two choices. You can either save your information manually and find another place to blog on your own, or let us handle the migration for you and automatically transfer your Journal to a different blogging service.

In the meantime, please bookmark the People Connection Blog, where you can find out more about AOL Journals. You can also subscribe to the People Connection Blog RSS feed to stay informed about any changes. We'll be updating the People Connection Blog often, so please check it regularly.

Thank you for your patience and understanding as we make this transition. We look forward to getting your blog settled into its new home.

Sincerely,

The AOL Journals Team





THANKS A FREAKIN LOT. i'm not happy. there is no reason to get rid of this. if i lose my entire journal....ohhh lawdyyyy. i guess i gotta figure out how to switch somewhere else...i dont want to, i like this one. 3? 4? something like that--years--ugh.

i havent talked to you in a month.....i couldn't be happier about it. no more poison.

just air. and i'm gasping for it, because i let you suffocate me. but now he and i breathe together.

i will possess your heart.

it's already been over a week since we got back. holy bejeezus.

haha minus the initial awkwardness, opening the door and seeing you standing there was like maaaagiccccccc. i missed you so much i was dying. knowing you are 5 minutes away is a phenomenal feeling. even when i'm really irritated with you, it doesnt matter because at least i can be mad at you to your face and when i get unmad we can hug and its ok. i just wish there was more.....i dont know the word/phrase i want to use, i just wish i knew what was really going on. because i dont see why we're playing this silly little game, or tiptoeing around what we are. stupid. its stupid and i hate it but i cant say anything much about it.

it was an insane week. it was just like a hurricane, first day stressing, then the lovely infection, then trying not to die from the pain, and doing homework and switching classes and natalie and bryan coming and lots of stuff. the weekend was really amazing, you guys always make everything so funn i love it!

i need to go to the gym oh my god. i've only run twice, and havent been to the gym at all and i feel grossssssssss. and made cupcakes and cookies. but they were so yummmyyyyy.

i kind of hate that i cant sing in the shower here. well--i could. but that would be embarrassing since everyone in savannah could hear me.



it keeps popping up in my mind, its stupid not to listen to the music i like but some of it makes me think about you and i dont like that. being back here where we spent so much time is weird. i keep thinking about you and what happened and why it happened and why we havent spoken. what you think, what you feel about it, if you care, if you're ok, if you're still struggling, how you are....why it didnt seem to bother you that we broke up. i dunno. i just cant wrap my mind around it. i want to call sometimes just so i can say weve spoken becuase it feels so weird. and it was weird seeing you twice while i was home even though you never saw me. it stung.

i hate unfinished edges. i want to stitch this up.

il bel far niente

i need to learn to do this, to enjoy my last week or so alone in the quiet and relaxing.

but all i want at this moment is to see your face and feel your arms as they hug me. because it has been far too long since i have felt them. and i need them now more than i ever have.

i don't like the creeping melancholy that looms. it twists its curling, heavy braids around me--i feel foggy and slow. and wet, deep under my skin, as if the water is collecting, just waiting to seep out.

happy to see me

ready to know how happy you are to see me. ready to sit on our asses and watch movies all day. ready to be back.

18 days.

feeling better.

a few hours ago i wanted to strngle you. i just feel betrayed, i feel humiliated because i believed all the crap you peddled at me, i feel used. part of me still wants to just hurt you.

but the biger part has finally realized i just dont give a F***! i dont. i'm so incredibly tired of all your crap. you used me out of boredom. i think at some point you were a nice person but i'm not sure where it went.

and i can finally cut you out of my life because i don't need you. you're toxic. i dont know why we all crave the toxic people in our lives but mostly we do and i dont crave you anymore.

i have so many more things in my life to focus my energy on, things that matter, PEOPLE who matter. people i love. someone who loves me. this is such a good feeling mostly because i know that a few years ago there's no way i could have looked at this situation with such perspective. i'm proud. and laughing at you.


i'll be very interested to see how the next few months go though, better make some pop!corn because i have a feeling it'll be one helluva show......

a bit stunned. seriously? ok then.

21 effin' days. +3 hours, 25 minutes. so ready. i miss you so much. mostly i just wish i could see your face, watch it change into all those funny expressions you cant seem to hide and are many times wildly inappropriate--i.e. around chris. it just makes me happy. hugs would be good too.

i'm sore now, i was a little over ambitious with the limb-cutters, i could do it, but i will be paying tomorrow. stupid rotten tree falling over. stupid nasty ROACHES crawling out of the rotten stump! oh my dear Lord i thought i was going to die. flying. nasty. bpghjkeffklJSBFJbgpiEDJCNLKAJVBPAEIRUFH. one word. maybe two, i dunno. here, one phrase--heebee geebeeeeeeeeesssss! i totally spelled it right, i stand by it.

the worst of the lovely ms. fay will be tomorrow apparently. hoepfully we'll have powaaaa! no air conditioning is what i most worry about--its gets fricken hot! oh well. geez, i'm using an obnoxious amount of exclamations! all of a sudden, i dont normally bust those out. unless the word pop! comes up. i always put one after pop!.

pop! corn
pop!art
pop!tarts...i digress.

i'm irritated but i guess its best to not really bring it up. i;'m really frustrated. and i just gave some advice to someone i think i should go follow myself.

peace.


and i don't regret choosing You
and i'm not ashamed that it's You
who holds my heart
my heart.

------------------->barlowgirl*

strange, but probably not so beautiful.

it's been a weird and wild few days. [random side note--in the drop box for "mood" choices, weird was spelled wierd. nice going AOL]

a lot of random and unexpected stuff has happened, talked to or seen people i didnt expect to, or didnt want to in one case. i wasn't ready. i was ready to sprint the last leg of my run, not see you drive by. and it hurt a lot more than i wanted it to. i wanted to not care, or pretend it didnt affect me at all, or maybe even forget it happened--it was only a split second. but it did. and it sucked.

i want to go back to school. i want to be on my own again. or maybe i just want to get away from the people who make me feel like i dont matter--i think it's both. it seems to be fine when we're apart most of the time...which is really a big part of why i want to get outta here. like i dont belong in my own house. i cant be myself, i cant even speak, not without shit. im tired of feeling like i need to do things differently than i do, or be someone i'm not or pretend what you do doesnt hurt me--because the things i say would never bother you if anyone else said them. because they arent mean, they arent hateful and they arent cruel. they're just from my mouth. so they suck, and so do i. i'm sick of the negativity, and i'm sick of feeling like everything i say is completely invalid.

and i know things won't ever change.

so i guess i need to just live somewhere i won't be seen or heard, so i can finally feel free to speak.



i just really want to feel alive again. and i dont, and i dont know how to not feel so incredibly lonely.

some dreams are cruelly unreal

...like the one i just had where i was raiding lorelai and rory's closets, which strangely were my own.

certified survivor baby

no more physical therapy. most excellent....supposed to be only 3 weeks...hey i only went an extra 4. no big. i got a free "certified survivor" of heartland rehab therapy tshirt. the mind boggles.

i really like this journal but i might delete it....way too many people read it. i liked when i was oblivious and thought it was semi-private. i could just use my book...but i like typing, faster, i can get my thoughts out before i forget them or they get jumbled....but i cant say what i need to get out. i dunno.

um so the fact that Half Blood Prince comes out midnight after my exams end is kind of incredible--its f fabulous thing to look forward to while i want to ram my xacto knife in my eye.

i super want to know who my other 2 roommates will be. i need to mentally prep myself for it. i hope they're awesome because it would be great to actually like everyone i live with. i really want to go back to schoollllll...i miss nadine and sam.

all i really want is to be with you, because you make me happy.

most of the time i really just want to punch you because you just refuse to let go of this ridiculous thing that doesnt matter so you have someone to throw your displaced anger on, but there are often times like this morning where i just get so sad. i look at you and see parts of me, things i went through and crap i dealt with exactly as you are now and at a long ago point in time i could have helped and now i cant. it makes me sad to see someone i was friends with and would like to be friends with again hurt and all i can do is sit back and stay away.

and it makes me so angry that you just refuse to accept that anything ever happened. you just stuck your head in the sand like always. and it didnt matter to you that by doing that you were hurting me when you should have been loving me. and you still dont, and despite everything we;ve talked about and all the junk you have said--you havent changed. and part of me misses you so much and wishes things were different, part of me still wants you and loves you and hates that things didnt work out, but you havent changed. and you may never. and i couldnt turn my life upside down for a person who cant deal with anything, or a person who cant stand up for me.

---------------->Saw you sitting all alone
You’re fragile and you’re cold, but that’s all right
Life these days is getting rough
It knocks you down and beats you up
But it’s just a roller coaster anyway, yeah

-maroon 5

he's snarkastic

i hate my phone. i also hate that the one i was going to purchase mysteriously went up from $30 to $50 in like a week or two. not cool my friends, noottttttttt.

i'm feeling a little guilty. it was a werid few weeks and i didnt want to talk to anyone because, well i just didnt for one, and i didnt want to let my weird mood influence my words, because it would just hurt people's feelings, but i feel like i havent been the best friend lately.

43 days until school. 6 weeks! i'm ready.

i'm glad you're on the home stretch, one more show left, a few days of camp--you're almost there. and it sucked and it isnt over yet but you've done really well and i'm really proud of you.

i really need to figure out how to run without wanting to die, i either cant breathe or my legs hurt [increasingly less, pretty much not at all anymore with therapy], or my shoulders cramp up...i just cant get a rhythm and it makes it really hard to stay motivated. i cnt get my mind off how far i've gone or how far i have left, i need to find something to focus on.

breathe, just breathe, oh breathe, just breathe

i know i should expect it, i know its what a decent person who cares about you does, but it still amazes me sometimes that i can literally tell you anything, even when its about..someone else. and its ok for me to try and talk about it and work it out with you listening. and you want me to work it out with you, you want to help. even when you're so stressed and exhausted you've made yourself sick. you want to help me.

143.

djfhb;sKFH;wkefnj;EKRGHO;IERHGOIERGJ

i really want to talk to someone. but i dont feel like i can. and the couple people i feel like i could talk to, i dont want to because i feel like they're sick-a-me. i just want to yell and scream and let it oooooouuuuuttttttttttttttt.

i'm on the verge. of kicking some ass.

giving new meaning to trivial...

trivia quizzes on visually identifying certain cereals, pasta names based on their shapes, and validating the true logo of famous brands....i can hold my own under pressha! but who gives a damn, i am not a valid human being because i can tell the difference between a piece of cocoa pebbles and cocoa krispies...although to the kiddies that might be some superhero power or something. myabe i should flaunt that more often.

i miss you, superhero.

i was an island and you passed me by, i was an island to discover.

i just want to smack you. after all of this, all this time, all that has happened and NOW you get it together. and NOW you decide what you want, and NOW is when i could have what i wanted from you for a long time. NOW that i cant give it to you, NOW that you cant do anything about it. NOW that i dont think i want it anymore.


i'm so mad that you were such an idiot.  but its over, and you're the one who gets to move on this time.

i do this too.

courtesy of this week's sunday secrets from postsecret.com:

aoljpictureUpload, aoljpictureUpload_1

there's a reason you have been a wash up for 10 years.

kathy lee gifford is the most annoying person on tv. i cant stand her. she thinks she so damn clever, so very cute and witty, so likeable. all she is is OBNOXIOUS. and her wit isnt endearing or even vaguely successful. she's mean. she's insecure because she knows she succccckkkkksss, so she is a bitch, very stealthily and subtely, to everyone on that show--particularly to hoda. and hoda is sweet and nice and genuine.

kathy.....

get the hell out. no one likes you.

Guys and Dolls. and a sexy purple pin-striped suit.

claire danes and hugh dancy.

did i make this couple up? i swear they were together--but i can't find literature to support that claim. if anyone has an insight feel free to share.

http://www.packetonline.com/articles/2008/07/08/time_off/theater_reviews/doc4872849a46118896041735.txt

definitely go here to read the awesome review for Guys and Dolls at the Bucks County Playhouse. i'm not kidding. do it.

9 days til the Dark Knight, and Mamma Mia. good times everyone, good times.

i love you, i do.

i'm ready to go to michaels...maybe redi arts. i need canvas, i need pastel paper, and i suddenly need to do.  

66 days until we're back in the same city. so ready. and so ready for a little SBT practice.

anywhere else you could possibly go after new york would be a pleasure cruise.

i just got home. from new york. it was fun, but at the moment i really am not in the mood to talk about that.

it was a bad day. more frustrating than anything else, but now i'm just in that mood...discontent was pretty close...but its just "the feeling".  the i hate everything thats happening-remembering everything bad-dwelling on anything irritating-i cant help but cry a little-i just want to run into the middle of a big, empty field and scream and be alone with my thoughts and away from everyone i know and everything there is--type feeling. and i dont know if its something everyone feels, but i feel it increasingly.  i just need to be alone for a while now. just with me. i dont want anyone else for a while. [i want to hear his voice, and would like him around truthfully, but seeing as this is impossible, there is no one else i want at the present time. no one hears me or can make me feel calmer, more sane, or safer than he.]

i was thinking, in the midst of our 2 hour cab ride from hell--seriously, what kind of cab driver can't find the airport, WHAT THE F..i digress--but as we were leaving i was thinking very deep thoughts, delving deep inside myself as i find i often do, most especially in cases where i want to be alone but can't be, and desperately wishing there was a table i could write at or type on. i wanted to let it out, and let it out strong. i just get these urges to write that are so incredibly intense and yearnful that i can't even seem to sit still. it is then that this deep thinking usually begins.

i dont remember most of my delving thoughts, but they were centralized around something resembling: i am too impatient to live in new york city. the more i thought about that idea the more ridiculous it started to sound--too impatient? for new york? ha. like there is such a thing. it's like it's own little world, specially designated for the world's impatients. but then again--the crowds? the traffic? its insane. totally and utterly insaaaaaannnnneeeeeeeeeeeee! and the more impatient you get, the less it seems like you have any control over changing your circumstances. at least here i can be impatient and do something about it. i'm not struggling to walk down the sidewalk without ramming into someone, not crunched in traffic swerving in vain like a mad woman. my train of thought ends here.

i do remember being fascinated by the subway--and only in the sense that i would love to ride it all day long, with a notebook and a pen, and just write about the people. i can't help but observe, people are just fascinating, sometimes frightening, weird, smelly, beautiful...fascinating. i wonder who they are, where they're going, what they go home to, where they buy their clothes, if they have their favorite cafe, boutique, news stand, bench or boulder in central park....what they think of everyone else around them. i was thinking so many thoughts on the subway today. this little man, mid-late 50s, 5'9 or so, very thin...he was eating an orange. and he just fascinated me. i tried not to look at him too much but it was hard not to, i just tried to figure out his whole life. he had on very worn clothes, like he hadn't been able to afford the shop for news ones in maybe 10 years at least, but looked fine enough. bookish, maybe a computer technician or a clerk of some sort. he had big outdated glasses and very dusty, light colored hair that was fading--and a mustache. [i thought it was moustache, but spell check is telling me otherwise--i like it better spelled incorrectly] he was just so unassuming, eating his orange sections, holding the tiny scraps left over in his lap, and i just wanted to hug him. he just seemed like he needed a hug. i felt terrible that i didn't say hello to him once i had gotten off.

i'm just too scared to say hello to most people--and they are usually the ones i want to reach out to the most, or perhaps need a little love the most.

i always feel like a terrible person if i dont give a homeless person money--in truth i think i've only done this maybe twice ever--but honestly 90% of the time i haven't, it was because i had no cash, i never carry it. the other times i'm usually just frightened. in my head i tell myself it's because i'm a young girl and usually it's a man who is asking, and i dont feel safe--this is never untrue--it just isnt the whole reason.  i just havent figured out quite yet what the other part is.

i have physical therapy in the morning--i always forget this until right before bed, and then get irritated that i have to wake up so damn early, this occasion is no different.  i hate it. i want to quit going---it in a word, sucks.

i want to strangle you.

i cant freakin sleep. again. i HATE summer. its so DAMN HOT...i cant lay in my bed without sweating. with the fan on "full blast" in little more than unmentionables....dyinggggggggggg of heat. forget covers..HA! they mock me, "kristina, i'm so warm and cozy, come snuggle under me, HAHA! syke! i'm going to suffocate you in a humid cloud of heat." thanks. i just roll around and toss and turn and sweat and cry and want to scream and drift in and out of consciousness, if i do sleep, it doesnt faze me, because when i wake up i feel like shit and i currently feel as if i havent slept in days. no naps either---god forbid i could fall asleep during the day to make up for my nightly roll around. even my ambien doesnt help. thats seriously insane.

if all the physical stuff wasnt enough i cant stop thinking about you. and that isnt good. i'm so ANGRY with you. i'm afraid i'll see you everywhere i go, afraid of what that would mean, what i would say or wouldnt say, what you would do, if i would burst into tears [probably], if i would punch your lights out [probably not although i would seriously consider it]. i just dont understand--and thats probably one of my biggest faults--needing to understand everything, because i never will. i'll never know why in two days things fell apart, why you couldnt see that i was hurting just as badly as you, why you didnt want my help, why you didnt protest when i said i couldnt do it anymore, why you let me go and never did anything to stop it. didnt even try. you said you loved me, but it was ok for me to say no to you, no to the fighting. you loved me and then what? how can you do that? if i knew i could have reached out to you and make things right i would have, but there was nothing i could do to fix it. if i thought i could make it alright i would have come back in a heartbeat, i loved you. too fast. too much. and you just broke my heart and never said anything about it. i'm so angry. but part of me doesnt even know why--it never would have lasted. i just cant believe you let me go. and i dont know what happened, why it was ok, why you were so unhappy, why i wasnt worth fighting for.

why am i never worth fighting for?

it doesnt matter, in time i'll let it go, let you go. i dont need you. the idea of you just hurts. and he doesnt hurt me. and he listens to me, and understands that i need to work it all out in my head but that i need to work it out loud. i need someone to listen to me, he knows where i'm coming from and it doesnt matter how stressed out i get, thats ok. its ok for me to let it out. and he waited through too many people for me. and too many miles. and he sees the bad in me, but he helps me through it, he doesnt throw it in my face. he sees good in me i had never seen in myself, sees inside of me. it scares me a little how well he knows me when what i'm thinking when i don't say a word, what hurts me and what makes me happy. and i never knew how much he mattered to me until you were gone.

breathe, just breathe, oh breathe, just breathe

song of the week

breathe (2 am):anna nalick


latest online conquest

antique engagement rings.
[too much wedding mania for me to resist!]


currently anticipating

RENT with sam, whom i miss terribly


watching

harry potter and the order of the phoenix


searching for

a new book to sustain my flight


dreading

physical therapy, which i find stupid


thinking about

knife painting poppies


praying for

nadine, who starts crappy summer school tomorrow


trying to avoid

cleaning my room which is disastrous


wishing

i was in savannah with my friends. soon. very soon.
[i miss you enormously.]


knowing

i should go to bed, my eyes sting with tiredness


hoping

things only get better, and that it's you.

it's you it's you

You're a falling star, You're the get away car.
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And you're the perfect thing to say.

And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute.
Ah, When you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.
Cause you can see it when I look at you.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, [you're everything.]

You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up!, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.

And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man,
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
And you know that's what our love can do.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
You're every song, and I sing along.
'Cause you're my everything.
Yeah, yeah

So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La

------------------> everything, michael buble

indie chillout

i wish i had money so i could buy the indie chillout mix on itunes because i really love it and its what i've been in the mood for for a long time, over a month ironically. it will be sad when i am poor again but i'll have good music so i guess it will be ok.

badly drawn boy
AIR
the postal service
deathcab for cutie
regina spektor
cat power
massive attack
imogen heap
nick drake
the shins
belle and sebastian
beck
sufjan stevens
snow patrol
keane
portishead
elbow
kings of convenience
zero 7
the perishers
brightblack morning light


...just to name a few bands i like from the list.

hey baby hey baby heyyyyyy

GET OUT OF MY HEAD GWEN STEFANI! i have an important paper to write and your chanting about horse food and infants is not helping. jeeeeez.

i'll post my paper once i finish it for anyone who has less of a life than me who'd like to read it.

there's nothing like you and i.

Tonight I’m going out
To find someone I can’t stand
to live without
I’m going out

We’ll be as happy as can be
I’ll love [him] endlessly
This time it’ll be for real
We’ll have what
we could never have
Do what we could never do
I just wish [he] could be you

-----------------------> going out.


i really like the perishers right now, i've listened to the album let there be morning about 4 times since yesterday, it's really low key, i like the lead's voice. check them out on itunes. or wherever.

i could have sworn it was all a dream and it didn't happen to me. oh wait. whoops. it didn't.

i guess it's a good thing. it makes it easier. i'll get over it faster. i've never had a clean break. no guessing. no wondering. no playful banter. nothing. and thats good.

but i can't believe it's been a month and i haven't heard a single freaking word from you.

i don't know what to do with that really. and i guess truthfully it doesnt matter. but we both thought this was the end. we both thought it was something incredible, until it wasn't anymore. and i just can't believe someone who said the things you said to me, who looked at me the way you did, could just....let me go without a single word of protest. nothing. you didn't say no. and you didn't try to fix it, or try to work with me. you just let me leave. and now i know that at least i did the right thing, because if losing me didn't faze you...then why should i be upset that you're gone?

it just makes me sad. i'm ok. and i know you aren't who i thought, and that's ok. it really is, it's just i was really hoping you were. and i got let down, and it's no one's fault. and i know it wouldn't work and i dont really want to try, but sometimes if i stop moving so fast and let it sink in for a second, sometimes i miss you and wish things had been different.

but then again....they aren't. and that's probably the best thing that could have happened.

"i'm not a miracle and you're not a saint, i'm just another soldier on a road to nowhere."

--------------------> damien rice, amie

cancel my subscription--i'm tired of your issues.

so after what, 3? 4? years, gavin degraw finally came out with a new album? alriiightttt.
i've been ready for that for a while. i remember going on tour one year after his first one came out and being really upset i couldnt listen to it everyday like i was used to. hopefully this sophomore effort lives up to my expectations.

definitely ready to go home for summer so i can:

A. go to disney world, because that's what i plan on doing first. hasta la vista scad.

B. go to the doctor to figure out what the heck is wrong with me, only to [most likely] learn they have no idea.

C. find a crappy job so i can have good money.

D. spend the summer weekends with natalie because she will be hoommmeee! yeeeeeahhhhh!

bah i hate school so flippin much. i think next year i'll stay for summer term so i get maybe graduate on time. ha.

in class...about to register for fall classes. loooveeelllyy.

peace.

icing figghhtttttt

i'm almost excited to go to church again. whenever the next time i actually can is. which is weird and ironic. because i can go and not give a crap who is there, who going to try to stab me in the eyes with their stupid unattractive death stares, who is going to be nice one second and an ass the second any other human being walks by...i dont care. i'm sick of caring. i'm done. its so hard for me, because i'm just used to caring, because i used to have friends there...but it isnt about that. thats not what should make me want or not want to go. its as stupid as going to a certain store because some hot guy works there. and they never have what you need. you go because you need food. and i need food.

23 days and 15 hours. yeeeeeyaaahhhhh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-W52tCPkoM&fmt=18

haaaaa thats funny.

i certainly have been made aware of a few people who fit this description. or they're psychic. haa yeah right.

time to run/wash the gross car.

ready to see you.

P.S.

i had no idea it was may. good lord. what is happening to me. happy what ould have been 4 months. sweeeeeet.

i cant sleep. and i seriously need a freakin puppy already. damn.

ugh. tomorrow will be the first time i've been to jacksonville since....yeah. 3 weeks. i dont want to go home. which is weird because i always want to go home. but not now. its like--if i can just stay away, if i can avoid being there, it makes ignoring the fact that we arent together so easy. and i'm good at it. and i dont want to be anywhere close to thinking about it. i dont want to go to a place where everything reminds me of it. i have that bad enough here.

i dont have to be upset or sad or disappointed about it if i never go back.

oh well--guess i'm screwed.

i;m really not a fan of this whole  migraine, constant and unyielding upset stomach, nausea, lack of appetite. it blows. and i need to be able to eat and keep food down, i want to run every day and i cant run if i have no energy and i have no energy because i cant think about food without feeling sick. i really like running, i always have, but now i;m into it--i can run longer, i can feel myself just improving. and it feels so good. i just dont understand why there is ALWAYS something wrong with me. always. headaches, stomach, knee....always something. or being sick. i seriously dont know if God gave me immunity. i'm starting to doubt it. i would love to wake up and go for a run and not feel anything but good the rest of the day. but that isnt happening. i guess its doctor time. crap. i friggin hate the doctor.

i need a job, if anyone knows of one...thatd be cool. i need something to keep me busy for 4 freakin months. dear lord. 26 days and 56 minutes until D Day.

then only 2 more years. lovveeeeellyyyyyy.

i guess now i dont have to worry about saving money for any trips. i guess thats a plus. no it isnt what the hell am i talking about that sucks.

i want to take all my sleeping pills so i can sleep for once. but they dont really work so great, and i'd probably die which could be bad if i took them all. so i guess i'll lay here wide awake and stare into the darkness, dying of heat, eyes burning from tiredness...thinking. always thinking. i wish i was dumb sometimes.

i just want to skip summer and move to next year so i can get the hell out of school faster. jesus.

he's batman, you're superman.

ajfoihejf;lskNMCL;SKMCO[IJknsc;knsaf;oeih

why does my head still freaking AAAAAACCCCHHHEEEEEEEE. all freaking night. and when i wake up. this day is going to succccckkkk. i dont want to go, i want to freaking skip class for once. not once all quarter. damnit. i dont want to go. i want to sleep forever and never wake up. or at least not until college is over.

i need to stop going to bed so late.

i feel like an elephant is sitting on my brain.

28 dyas til summer. and being in jacksonville alone for 3 whole months.

i watched avatar.

i hate seeing pictures of you. partying. bahhh, i dont want to know what you're doing, because then i have to think about you. i dont want to think about you. i want to get on with my life and not have to see you or talk to you ever. because this hurt a lot more than i thought, and it's easier to ignore it, ignore you, than feel it. i don't want to feel bad.

i want to feel happy with you.

"tell me how i'm supposed to breathe with no air?"

i feel like a total ass. truly, i mean it embarrasses me to think about, much less talk about. i'm an idiot. and i made an enormous mistake. and i blew it. and i guess i deserve it. i cant expect that everything will work out how i want just because i finally sorted my brain out. thats a selfish thought. but in a way it's what i expected. NOT being turned down. and that sucked. a lottttttttttt. no sleep. no fun. i've been thinking about it all freaking day.

i feel like julia roberts in Notting Hill. kind of. i'm not a celebrity, but hey. same concept. and it did not turn out the way the movie ended. soooo. cool.

i'm just so mad at myself at throwing the best thing i could have asked for away like it was disposable. because you arent. and i dont know what my problem is.


"We are all fools in love."

Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, Charlotte

what just happpeneeedddddddd?!?!:l;sodifhjfhfhs;sfhboih

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh,
Be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I'll always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my Baby
I'll look after you
And I'll look after you

------------->the fray

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you
After You
Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhh

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

finding many relevant songs.

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I'm not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident

On the back of a motor bike
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside.
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men
Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides
Like brothers on a hotel bed
Like brothers on a hotel bed
Like brothers on a hotel bed
Like brothers on a hotel bed

not gunna happen to me.

I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me

I don't want to be the one to blame
You like fun and games
Keep playing em
I'm just saying
Think back then
We was like one and the same
On the right track
But I was on the wrong train
Just like that
Now you've got a face to pain
And the devil's got a fresh new place to play
In your brain like a maze you can never escape the rain
Every damn day is the same shade of grey

Hey
I used have a little bit of a plan
Used to
Have a concept of where I stand
But that concept slipped right out of my hands
Now I don't really even know who I am
Yo, what do I have to say!!!
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen with me

Back then, I thought you were just like me
Somebody who could see all the pain I see
But you proved to me unintentionally
That you would self-destruct eventually
Now I'm thinking like the mistake I made doesn't hurt
But it's not gonna work
Cause it's really much worse than I thought
I wished you were something that you were not
And now this guilt is really all that I got

You turned your back
And walked away in shame
All you got is a memory of pain
Nothing makes sense so you stare at the ground
I hear your voice in my head when no one else is around
[What do I have to say]
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen with me

.:I guess this is where we've come to:.


------------------->believe me, fort minor.

your time has expired.

so. the 4 months or less rule is back in effect.

i find it ironic that the one person who breaks it couldnt actually care about me. that makes no sense.

why the HELL did you leave those damn peach rings in my car. thats been bothering me since i looked over and saw them placed ever so carefully in my doorhandle halfway home on friday. oh yeah and by the way, you can man it up and CALL me back. come on. and you hope i'm alright? are you serious? hellooooo. of course i'm not freaking alright. did you miss the last week? yeah. not a good one. miss the part where i said this isnt what i wanted? yeah. but it was this or be a doormat. so i chose this. and i realize i chose it, but that doesnt make me like it. i hate it.

nope. i couldnt make one guy grow up, couldn't make one love me, cant make you happy. i know it isnt my fault, its nothing i did wrong...but i feel like i'm..i dunno. i cant think of the right word for it, but i feel inferior i guess is ok..sometimes. even though i know its stupid. because even though none of those things are my fault, i cant control them, it makes me wonder why it keeps happening.

it just kills me that i was so happy after being kind of sad. and now i'm sad again. we were good. and now we aren't. it was like a teaser. not fun. i dont want to be happy for just a few months. i want forever.





ohhh my poor tummy cannot take more of this. poor, poor tummy.

seriously.

We've got all night just to make it all right
Would you take a walk with me?
I'll give you all I've got just spare me your time
And I promise you won't want to leave
Are you, are you falling for me?
This time, we'll find what we both need

There's an old oak tree
We can swing and sway
Will our guards away (You're so far away)
When I look at you
You're so far away
Oh so far away
Oh if you could you just let go

Would you rest with me just for a while
I'll take you out of harms way
Like these branches that shelter the rain
We could lay here in our own shade
Are you, are you falling for me?
Just watch, the two of us will see

There's an old oak tree
We can swing and sway
Will our guards away (You're so far away)
When I look at you
You're so far away
Oh so far away

There is so much that I could give to you
Just say you want me to
I know these roots could break the ground
And in the meantime our leaves will turn
But rest assured
We'll get through anything
Are you, are you falling for me
Like I'm oh I'm falling for you

There's an old oak tree
We can swing and sway
Will our guards away (You're so far away)
It's just you and me
We could get away
We can get away (You're so far away)
In this lover's play
We are happy here oh in every way
Oh and then we just let go
Just let go
Just let go
Just let go

so freaking tired.

so. freaking. sick. of. it.

i dont really know why i keep getting screwed over. they cant grow up, they can't open up, they can't get out of the funk. AND IT ISNT MY FAULT. but that doesnt seem to matter. i still get hurt everytime and i cant do a damn thing about it, and it's never because i made some horrible mistake. i find injured people, and i dont even know they're broken when i meet or even date them. then POOF! the issues pour out. and i get stuck cleaning up the mess.

you think i don't know where you're coming from? i've been just as low as any person can get and just because i got through it doesnt make what i went through any easier, any less significant, any less real. ok? i knowwwwwwww what it's like and you know what? you have to get through it. and i realize you cant control how you feel. but you have GOT to control the way it makes you act because if you dont, you'll end up a shell, a useless fragile nothing, or you'lll kill yourself. and those both suck. i know its hard. i've been there. i was there for a few years. and it took about half that time to START healing. it took a lot of work, and obviously i'm not cured, but i make it through everyday, and now everyday i can at least feel like it was a day worth living, no matter how stressful it was, because i have people who love me and who help me get through the hard times. and thats the only way you get through.

so if you dont let anyone help, good luck. no, i'm not a magic "cure all your problems" pill. i cant fix you. but i can support you, i can BE THERE when you feel like no one is, i can love you and i can help you see that things can be ok. but i cant do any of that if you wont let me. and i cant fight you and try to make you--it doesnt work and it hurts me to be rejected. and i have my own problems. and i wish there was something i could do to make your world beautiful but there isnt, you have to find that for yourself. and if i could i would put all my focus into because thats how i am, i want to help you and everyone and i wish i could make everyone happy but i cant. and i cannot give all of myself to someone who A. doesnt want me, and B. i cant for the simple reason that i have a life i need to live, and i cant LIVE if i'm not doing anything for myself.

and it really kills me that this happened and i wish things were different but i can only  push you in a new direction so much before i just get tired. because you should be walking together, not pushing each other along.

i would love nothing more than to finally find someone who is capable of loving me and who can allow me to love them. who can allow me inside their heart and let me be the shoulder them them that i need them to be for me when things get rough. and i just don't really know why it's so hard. stupid freaking movies. make everything so damn easy.

f-ing mr. darcy. i wish i didnt have that kind of unrealistic image in my head. i have too many great men, real and fictional, to compare every other man to that no one measures up. and i know the real ones, like my dad, who really exist cant be the only ones. so where the hell are they?

i'm pretty much ready for every day to stop SUCKING.

sometimes i kind of just hate how i am. can i seriously not just be normal for like 5 f-ing minutes and take the heat of critique like everyone else. can i not just freaking man it up and not give a shit if i did something wrong. no. i can't. i have to cry like a freaking idiot and have my professor just think i'm pathetic. it doesnt even matter. i got a D. who gives a shit. i can redo it and turn it back in. but i'm sitting there and being told how awful it is and having him makes JOKES about how bad some parts are and i'm like screw you asshole. and instead of being pissed off or just wanting to punch him i cry like i'm a 3 year old. like i cry about everything. everyday this week. about everything that happens. Stressed? cry about it--that will solve everything. relationship is not going well? maybe you should unleash a few tears...that'll wash all the crap away. feel like nothing you ever do is good enough even though all you do every day is work your ass off for usually a B, but today..BONUS! you get a D. maybe you should cry in front of your professor.

i hate how i am.

avant-garde

i dont want to go to class. i hate class. 

I. HATE. THIS. CLASS.

which makes me wonder if i'm wasting my time when the two courses for interior design i've taken have made me dread waking up. i've never loved school, ever. it isnt like i get thrilled to go to class, but i do enjoy most of them, and at least i dont want to skip every single day. but these just suck. i think they're just so focused on DESIGN, on structure of buildings, on construction and form, and BLAH, and i just dont care. i dont care at all. i just want to decorate. make the room look good. i just feel like this is all so....unnecessary. an entire class devoted to lighting? seriously? i dont yet know if its a 2 or 5 hour one, but if its 5....HA. i am going to jump out a window. i'm sure once i get past the required, YOU HAVE TO KNOW THIS BUT YOU'LL NEVER USE IT AGAIN crap....once i get to the real interior stuff hopefully it will get better. and i'll actually want to go to class. or at least i won't want to sleep in everyday.



i feel like an asshole because when i get so damn angry and people try to console me or make me feel better or god forbid touch me, i want them to go away and slap their hands away. i hate it. i just want to be angry. which isnt healthy i guess but when i'm that frustrated i need to let it out in my own way. and people coddling me like a baby just makes it worse. and its obvious i want them to get the heck away from me and i hurt peoples feelings. then i feel bad. what. the. heeeellllllelelleee.

i'm also pissed this stupid title is always BLUE and it should be yellow.

i'm stressed before i even get up in the morning, i feel it in my sleep. i even dream in stress.

like a dog returns to its vomit.....

i dont get why you keep going back to a person you dont care about. just because they're there? to pass the time? why? why waste your time. it makes me sad to see you spend time on someone who doesn't matter.

i'm pretty sick of these dreams. i've never had so many nightmares in my life. ha, until like a year ago i'd never really even had one. now its like every week. not fun. i'm worried about my stress level, it's affecting my physically now..in more ways than one.

oh yeah

dreaming about cockroaches crawling all over me and ryan at his house last night was a super-duper way to start my day. holy crap. i dont think i actually slept all night...just rolled around while they were all over me. which makes me think there might have been one somewhere if i had such a random dream. or maybe it was a manifestation of my stress. lets go with that. thats way better than some rogue bug interfering with my REM cycle.

here we go again. ten weeks of bliss served up by your friendly neighborhood SCAD. riiighht.

so just looking at my syllabi for this quarter made me almost collapse into tears. the amount of work this damn school requires is absolutely ridiculous. although i could never actually attend a regular university--i'd probably have no friends nor any desire to wake up in the morning--i would love to have just the obligatory, "yeah i have a test and a paper to write this week." not the, "yeah, i have 3 facial studies to draw, then complete in oil, an in-class figure painting, make 3 models of objects and analyze and sketch out the elements and principles of design of each object on 6 different presentation boards whilst i master the fine art, no pun, of analyzing and understanding the exact purpose of Dadaism and why the hell stupid duchamp called an upturned urinal a flippin masterpiece. by the way, welcome kristina, welcome to your FIRST FREAKING WEEK of class."

oh the joys of the artistic realm. sometimes i wonder if i am truly masochistic or if its all just very ironic.

you looked nice yesterday, all except for the ugliest facial expression i have ever seen. but no surprise, i see it all the time. its for me, so i guess i should be used to it. but you look nice otherwise. i wonder if you even know why you're angry anymore. or if its just the comfort of having an outlet, the force of habit you've accustomed yourself to...since its pretty unfairly placed, or better yet, disproportional...maybe misplaced? all i know is its skewed. i just am not sure i see the distinction between the two. i guess i'm more fun. i'll turn it into a compliment. i just dont see why anyone would want to be so angry or hateful. seems like life would be nicer if you didnt have this thing in your life...the obligation of being unkind. i guess that just isnt how i am. and frankly, i'm too afraid to talk to you about it because you might seriously injure me. or try.

i have so much to do in the next few weeks. not even just with school. i have to be home so often i'm really afraid i wont be able to get my work done. but those are things i cant just opy out of. i dont necessarily want to opt out either, but it would be nice if i had a smaller number of things to worry about ontop of this fun new schedule i have going. and i'm afraid i will not be seeing much of you either, which i am not happy about. at all. i guess i need to take it one day at a time, but i think we all know thats pretty impossible for me. i need serious help. so hey God, help me not be a spaz. thankkksssss.

you are so not on your A game babe.

thanks for basically saying to me, "kristina, i'll hang out with you tonight because i have nothing else more important to do. no one else has called with a better offer. so i guess you're ok. but if something does happen to come up in the middle of the evening i'm going to leave to do something more enjoyable than be with you."

what the hell. i dont know what you're problem has been the past few days, but its not cool. and its getting old reaaaaaallll fast.

have fun while i'm in orlando.

i have the best boyfriend in existence.

3 more days. the worst 3 ever. the smaller number doesnt make them suck any less.

i feel heavy. like the whole world is on my shoulders. i have finals, which yeah sucks but it'll be over soon. right now it feels like it will never end--daunting, endless. but its so much more than that.

i just feel like i'm working so hard----killing myself----and i dont know WHY. i dont know what i want. i have no real, concrete direction for my life. i'm just floating around. i'm scared. i feel guilty all the time. like i'm just wasting time and money. lots of it. trying so hard to find my place, i just have no idea where exactly my place is. or where to find it. or how. or if i will. i will, it just doesnt feel that way.

theres so much i want to do and try and experience and i cant do it all, and i cant decide. and i feel like....i dont know. i'm so afraid of deciding on a path, and then getting there, doing something, and just falling on my face. like, yeahh! whoo i finally picked a future, awesome, i'm not wasting peoples time and money anymore. i have direction....oh wait, i sucked miserably at it--i picked wrong. and i spent all this time trying to get to where i want to go and BAM! i just fail. abysmally. totally. and then i've gone and wasted time and disappointed everyone all over again without even meaning to, thinking i was doing so well, thinking i had it together. and i didnt.

i dont know why i feel this incredible need to just be so impressive and successful and great, put together, savvy, perfect. but i do. i feel like nothing else is good enough. like i wont be good enough if i cant get it together NOW, choose NOW, be wonderful and great and this amazing prodigy NOW. and it feels horrible. and i worry myself sick and stress out and just KILL MYSELF trying to be this thing. this nonexistent perfect being. and its horrible. and i dont know how to stop and shut up and let things happen. i dont know where this awful, terrible fear of not being good enough comes from. but its there, and its eating me from inside. because i cant live that way. i will never be perfect, so i'll spend my whole life reaching for the unacheivable. running towards this nonexistent happiness, this idyllic life that doesnt exist.

it isnt even about jobs and career goals, school or majors, its just everything. like, if i'm not perfect enough, if i cant be pretty enough, fit enough, funny enough, charming enough, brave enough people wont like me. and i hate it when people dont like me. thats horrible. even if i dont like them. i still freaking care what they think and i shouldnt. people who arent worth my time, or my energy, my concern, i give a damn what they think when they dont matter. and i cant stop. i find this amazing man, this perfect person, perfect for me, who makes me smile and laugh and feel beautiful and makes me feel good about myself in every way, who appreciates me and treats my like im the only woman that exists--this amazing person, and i'm afraid i'm just not good enough for him. like if i cant be perfect, if i make one mistake, he wont love me anyone. and that isnt good. and its also completely untrue. because i AM. i AM GOOD ENOUGH. and i'm sick of people treating me like i'm not, of making me feel like i'm not worth loving, not worth caring about if i dont do this with you, if i dont want you saying that to me, i want you to treat me with some f-ing respect. like thats too much to ask. well it isnt. i'm sick of dating people, caring about people and realizing they never cared, not the way they should have. like I DID SOMETHING WRONG. like it's MY FAULT you couldnt get it together. you couldnt grow up, or whatever it is. i didnt do anything, but i still feel like its my fault.

i dont know why. all i remember when i feel like this is mrs. collins telling my in sunday school one morning that i'm not important enough to have everything in the world be my fault. which sucked. that made me feel so vain and horrible. but its true. just harsh. i dont know why i cant ignore what jerky people say, what people who dont really know me think of me, of what people who DO know me think...because it doesnt matter. it really doesnt. but i cant get that concept into my brain. i cant accept that. and i dont know how to make myself. i shouldnt care if some jerk thinks i'm a stupid whore who is selfish and immature and a complete bitch. WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK. i shouldnt. i dont want to. for a long time i didnt care about crap like that. or maybe i just ignored how much it hurt me. i dont really know anymore. stupid counselling. part of me wishes i never went, then i could just ignore my stupid problems and it wouldnt suck so much to realize how freaking insecure and pathetic i really am.

i never knew i had such crappy self esteem. i mean i like myself, i think i'm pretty, funny, i know i;m a nice and good person, i genuinely care about other people, i want to make the people i love happy. i want to make ME happy. but the second someone says something negative about me i shut down and accept it immediately. like maybe i was just wrong about how nice iam. maybe i am a bitch. and i think of every mean thing i've ever said and chide myself. i cant remember a single good thing i've ever done in that moment. even the greatest people on earth had their moments, why cant i? why am i not allowed to make mistakes? i should be. everyone else can. i just hate that i allowed myself to get this way. and i dont know how it got so bad. i know when it started, i just never knew how much it affected me until recently.

i dont know how i got you babe, but i did. and i dont think i could ever be happier about anything in my entire life. because i dont know anyone really, besides maybe momma and daddy or natalie that can take me when i'm screaming and angry and just want to give up, and cry, because even they cant always...i dont know anyone who can make me feel like it isnt really over. things will be ok. and i just have to take a few more steps, i just have to hold on a little longer and the sun will come back out and things will be ok again. you do that. and i love you very much for putting up with me when even i dont like how i'm acting, when i'm embarassed by my behavior, you're still there. and i know you arent going anywhere.

scaredy cat

Achluophobia- Fear of darkness.
Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns.
Glossophobia- Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak.
Merinthophobia- Fear of being bound or tied up.
Myctophobia- Fear of darkness.


i couldnt find one about being abducted, but thats another insane and pretty cripling fear i have, combined with the dark i am a mess.
i'm so scared of someone being in the house, in the dark, waiting to grab me. just hiding right out of sight, just around the corner, in the darkness ahhhhh, right behind me but i cant see. petrified. i cant watch movies with that crap in them, i practically cry. every single solitary day of my life i'm afraid when i['m alone in even the semi-darkness. i hate it. i wish it was sunny all the time, nothing bad happens in the sun. or at least you see it coming.

also--no basements. ever. period. i will not be silence of the lambs 2 thanks.

blow it all away.

Its coming on christmas
Theyre cutting down trees
Theyre putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it dont snow here
It stays pretty green
Im going to make a lot of money
Then Im going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby cry

He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
Im so hard to handle
Im selfish and Im sad
Now Ive gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I made my baby say goodbye

Its coming on christmas
Theyre cutting down trees
Theyre putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

river, joni mitchell.

i'm done working tonight.

i am always prompted to fill these out. i dont know why.

Last Car Ride: to ex libris to buy pen tips, 0.18 to be exact. they didnt have any.

Last Kiss: saturday night.

Last Good Cry: winter retreat, being moved by God and receiving the hate around me.

Last Library Book: i dont do the library. i purchase.

Last book bought: like i remember, i buy millions. um. the complete works of jane austen in a leather-bound edition, plus all her novels in seperate volumes. i'm a freak. i know. i want a button or something to advertise it.

Last Book Read: reading velvet elvis now. by rob bell. before that, the last one i finished was some james patterson novel. i think.

Last Movie Seen in Theatres: be kind rewind. dont see it.

Last Movie Rented: becoming jane, and american gangster, for which i returned the empty box not realizing the dvd was in my tv. oops.

Last Beverage Drank: milk + dark chocolate instant breakfast. or orange soda, i dont remember which was first.

Last Food Consumed: nasty frozen dinner, followed by delicious and quite edible pizza rolls.

Last Crush: ryan james richter. he's also the current crush.

Last Phone Call: the last call i received was from ryan, the last call i made was to...nadine.

Last TV Show Watched: dont remember. but since i got home sunday afternoon i have viewed 4 movies. Notting Hill, The Wedding Planner, Harry Potter and the order of the phoenix, and my big fat greek wedding.  gotta have something to keep me sane while i trace trace trace my floor plans

Last Time Showered: last night at 10 pm

Last Shoes Worn: the red fuzzy slippers currently residing on my feet

Last CD Played: iTunes--mae. see above

Last Item Bought: 2 copic pens and cold-press linseed oil

Last Download: do you feel-the rocket summer

Last Annoyance: being made fun of.

Last Disappointment: my sarcasm, and how sometimes it isnt so funny.

Last Soda Drank: today.

Last Thing Written: i wrote in my journal last night, but i was writing on my floor plan a few minutes ago. i dont consider that writing though.

Last Key Used: key to my apartment.

Last Words Spoken: hm. something about ryan and grape jelly.

Last Sleep: 6:45 this morning

Last Ice Cream Eaten: birthday cake with oreo

Last Chair Sat In: the seriously uncomfortable stool i've been slouching on for the last 6 hours.

Last Webpage Visited: besides this, livejournal and facebook. and some font website.

you make me laugh. hysterically in actuality. ha. ha. HAA.

i'm ready to go out and have a good night. and have ryan show me off to everyone he knows. how fun!

i should really work on my stupid graphics final...butttttt--this is way more fun.

procrastination queen at yo service...

i need to get ready.

i'm so a P.Y.T.

get used to it.

i'm feeling a little bit bad ass right now.

ironic.

i guess its ok as long as you have the smaller number to back it up.

thanks, mom. oh wait, you arent my mom.

whatever, i dont have the energy to care about this anymore. maybe i'll move to another country. i dont think anything oculd make me happier.

unless ryan went with me.

sherrill pregnant. funny thought.

yay for nadine's and kelly's birthdays! the cupcakes i made are so pretty!



the weekend was fun! going to the beach at like 5 am was rough, but after a while i woke up and it was good. LOTS of pictures. here are my faves:




ready for spring break like "WHOAAAA!"

and then summer. only 93 days, 12 hours, 43 minutes and 40 seconds baby! not that anyone is keeping track...oh wait. I AM.

aoljpictureUpload, aoljpictureUpload_10

you've got so much love in you, you look like the songs i've heard my whole life comin' true.

i love love love this song. its awesome. download it now. seriously. and if you do and dont like it i dont really care...its great. i want to share the love with someone.

Hats need a beat, like awake needs asleep
Like a pen needs a page, to re-write you need a mistake

Oh, yeah

Hearts need a mind, like a clock needs the time
Like white needs black, if you leave I hope you need to come back

Oh, i swear, i know, i believe it
Oh, i can't stop hearing all the singing
Oh, my soul has never had this feeling
and it feels like gold

You got so much love in you
You got so much love in you
I'm amazed that I'm talkin' to you
You look like the songs that I've heard my whole life coming true

Strike all the bells, hit 'em hard make 'em all yell
Celebrate that you made, lock us up yeah incarcerate oh!

Oh, i swear, i know, i believe it
Oh, i can't stop hearing all the singing
Oh, my soul has never had this feeling
and it feels like so, so

So much love in you
You got so much love in you
I'm amazed that I'm talkin' to you
You look like the songs that I've heard my whole life coming true

i miss you! everytime i see you smile it makes me smile and just....ahhhhhh. i'm just so happy all the time. happy with myself, happy with school even, happy to be with someone as incredible as you are...my life is turning out exactly how i always knew it would. and it's true, once you let go and you just live, when you least expect it, love hits you.

you've got so much love in you.

poetry.

Beannacht
("Blessing")

On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.

And when your eyes
freeze behind
the grey window
and the ghost of loss
gets in to you,
may a flock of colours,
indigo, red, green,
and azure blue
come to awaken in you
a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays
in the currach of thought
and a stain of ocean
blackens beneath you,
may there come across the waters
a path of yellow moonlight
to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
may the clarity of light be yours,
may the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours.
And so may a slow
wind work these words
of love around you,
an invisible cloak
to mind your life.
.



John O'Donohue
~ Echoes of Memory ~ 

after 20 years it's still going strong.

so..the top 10 videos on iTunes are:

1. Thriller-Michael Jackson

....and the rest dont matter.

seriously? thats incredible...nevrmind his personal life. that video is over twenty years old and it's in the number one spot--beating all current videos. that says a lot.

you're absolutely insane.

driving up here at like 5 am just to see me for a few hours because i'm sick is ridiculous. you're insane. you didnt even get sleep. ad you have to work tonight. but you did it, and brought me medicine and gatorade that i half finished and hearts and you're incredible. and i feel like i've known you for years, and i dont really know what it is or how to describe it but its just different. you're different. and this is different. and thats the best thing i could ever ask for.

And i thought, be still my heart, this could be a brand new start with you.

this was the best weekend i think i've ever had. you make me so happy...ha, i just. i cant even explain it. lord, its just..different. thats the only word i can think of. different, and amazing.

i cant wait until thursday. and then friday, and then saturday, and then sunday, and then valentine's day, and then the next weekend and the next and the next.....ahhh.

So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

------------------> soul meets body.death cab for cutie.

well, i was.

i was goig to write.

now i'm going to WRITE. in my book. from the beautiful tara. i just reread the note you wrote, from my birthday 3 years ago, almost exactly. hm. that really was one of the best gifts i ever got. no matter what happened...i'll love you for that. and for everything else.

so i'm going to write about things you dont need to know about. namely, someone you dont need to know about. thats for me, and its a blessing.

"I want you, I need you/But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you"

that pretty much sums up how you seem to view me.

i love Mae. ad i love this song.

Drowning, just as fast as I can.
But don't throw me a line,
don't reach out your hand.
Cause, I'm on the brink of something beautiful
and I want to sing about it,
but I don't know where to begin.
Write it in a letter,
but the words don't come out right.
Trying to explain how nobody can do me like.
You don't understand how helpless I can get
Since the day that we met.
Oh can you feel it yet?

It's never been more perfect being alive
I've never been so satisfied. Oh...

I could feel something different for the first time
Heaven made sense and all the words rhymed.
.:No chance of stopping now. I'm taking it all:.
And now I'm caught in the air, its a good glide.
Pass it up, wouldn't dare what a wild ride.
I remember being ready and waiting to fall
just like I did tonight.

Spinning around and around
Until my left was my right and up became down.
With just one look you knocked me off of my feet.
So unable to speak. Oh how you made me weak.
Though it was a while ago, I still can recall.
That moment so ready, and waiting to fall.
Can you take me back in time
remembering when you captured my heart?
Over and over again.

It's never been more perfect being alive
I've never been so satisfied. Oh...

I could feel something different for the first time
Heaven made sense and all the words rhymed.
No chance of stopping now. I'm taking it all.
And now I'm caught in the air, its a good glide.
Pass it up, wouldn't dare what a wild ride.
I remember being ready and waiting to fall
just like I did tonight.

Ready and waiting to fall...

---------------->ready and waiting.:.mae.

R. J. R.

i should be cleaning. but i'm not.


i've never in my life been so excited about a phone call. it will be a very long day. but with the fam around it will at least be fun while i wait.

smiling? thats all i do anymore.

so. reading velvet elvis by rob bell. its pretty great. so far its competeing pretty heavily with my favorite book Blue Like Jazz. thats a weighty statement too. not just any book gets that sort of recognition

so i'm reading and this passage comes up:

[pause, let me preface this a bit. he compares faith to jumping on a trampolene. he talks about the springs and how in faith the springs are statements that are flexible, things about faith that help us understand God but dont define things absoutely, because with God nothing is set in stone--they are a means, not and end. we take them seriously, but keep them in perspective. then he starts talking about how some people act as if their faith is like a brick wall--each brick being a core doctrine, and if you question one, proverbially pull out on brick from the wall, the whole thing wil crumble..so here we go]

"This truth clicked for me last Friday in a new way. Somebody showed me a letter from the president of a large smeinary who is raising money to help him train leaders who will defend Christianity. The letter went on about the desperate need for defense of the true faith. What disturbed me was the defensive psoture of the letter, which reflects one of the things that happens in brickworld: you spend a lot of time talking about how right you are. Which of course leads to how wrong everyone else is. Which then leads to defending the wall. It struck me reading the letter that you rarely defend a trampolene. You invite people to jump on it with you.

I am far more interested in jumping than I am in arguing about whose trampolene is better. You rarely defend the things you love. You enjoy them and tell others about them nd invite others to enjoy them with you.

Have you ever seen soeone pull out a photo from their wallet and argue about the supremacy of this particular loved one? Of course not. They show you the picture and give you the opportunity to see what they see."

i love that. i think thats more profound than most things I've ever heard from people talking about faith. because a lot of christians use their faith like a sheild, deflecting doubts and questions, protecting themselves from harm, when you should be opening your arms and welcoming in the vast human race. you cant share the true God with anyoe when all you do is make people feel like they aren't living a good enough life, aren't good enough christians, aren't good enough FOR GOD. because we all are. You share God when you give people a chance to make mistakes, to question God, and to find Him in their own way, to love Him in their own time, to let Him truly know them. thats when the Jesus magic happens.

i finally feel like i am seeing You for the first time, its been such a long, loooong road, its been dark at times, its been scary. but i found You. Youve been waiting for me this whole time, patiently waiting for me to find my own way. and letting me come to You. and that is beautiful.

that is what loving God is really about.


"...Jesus invites everyone to jump, its an invitation to follow Jesus with all of our doubts and questions right there with us."