no matter the result, i was the luckiest for ever having you

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see [one pair that I recognize]
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

--ben folds------>the luckiest

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the day is beautiful until i wake up and realize for the 20th time it was only a dream

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then, and just let 'em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though goin' on with you gone, still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend I'm okay but that's now what gets me

What hurts the most, was bein' so close
And havin' so much to say
And [watchin' you walk away]
And never knowin' what could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you

Everywhere I go, but I'm doing it
It's hard to force that smile
When I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder getting up, getting dressed
Livin' with this regret, but I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved
In my heart, that I left unspoken

--what hurts the most:rascal flatts

it's happening more and more. and while it lasts its amazing. and you see me, and you want me, and suddenly everything is ok again...and then i wake up. and i die a little more inside. and i cant make the dreams stop. i have them all the time now. and i cant make them go away...and thats all i want. i want them to go away so i dont hurt this way anymore. i'm so sick of hurting. i cant escape these thoughts swimming in my head. i cant push you from my mind, because even when i do something is said, i see something, hear a song------> and you're right back in my mind and i cant get rid of you. i'd give anything to get rid of you, this ghost of a memory that haunts me. to be rid of the dull ache of you. i would give anything to not love you this way.

and thats just it. i cant do anything about it. i do all this stuff to get my emotions out so i dont bottle them up, i distract myself with everything imaginable, i try to move on....and there's this wind that blows me backward at every advance. i cant win. no, i'm sorry to say that this isnt because i dont want to move on. that just isnt true and it hurts me when you say that. i think its actually pretty damn obvious i want to be able to move on....my problem is i have no closure. there is this vacuum of space between us that i cant close because i have nothing to fill it with. no reasons, no explanations, no goodbyes....you just left one day and thats all there was to it. i dont know what i'm supposed to do. i dont. i'd give anything to make this better but i cant. i've done everything, short of dating another guy. that wont make it better either, because it would be fair to whoever i was with. i dont have anything to give anymore. even if i found someone i wanted to be with, i'm so afraid that i dont know if i'd be able to let them in. i've never loved someone and been left unscathed. i cant just open up my heart the way i did for you again. i couldnt survive this ache twice. i'm not that strong a person.

i just wish i knew what to do, how to take a deep breath, dry my tears, and move on.

be yourself. [an original is always worth more than a copy]

     i'm actually taking an editor's note to put in the journal, not vice versa--a first. i thought it poignant.

     It’s been an interesting few months. The last five months seem like they’ve
taken my whole life to live through. I think gradually I’ve drawn closer to a feeling
of acceptance and peace with myself—mind you I said closer, not at. I still
have my issues as we all do, but through everything the last 2 years have brought
in and out of my life, I think I’ve truly begun to realize how important this time
is. The things that don't matter in your life seem to get the most attention on a
daily basis—this is what I have noticed. The things that need to be addressed are
normally pushed aside, forgotten, procrastinated away because we’re either too
lazy to confront them or too afraid. This is all my opinion of course, but as a
general rule I think it’s a fairly accurate idea.
     High school is basically a big clone fest. Everyone wants to be loved and
accepted—I don't care how you act or what you say, no one wants to be “Johnny
I have no friends.” we need that love and acceptance to make ourselves feel valuable;
as if someone loving you makes you worth something. As if your value as a
person rests in another person’s judgments. You don't need other people to
complete you—only people that compliment you, that make you happy. [an aside: i just noticed i forgot to take this next sentence out--Oops.] ----->That
isn't healthy. Most teenagers don't have great self-esteem. I don't—I’m not going
to pretend like I love myself when I don't. I’ve never really believed I had value
ever, mostly because of the people who told me I didn't. When people make you
feel worthless enough, you begin to believe it’s true no matter how smart you are.
I know in reality I am loved by people. I know I’m not a worthless piece of junk
God ruined and was too lazy to fix. He made me the way I am because that’s
exactly how He wanted me. It’s nearly impossible to remember this at times, but
it’s so important.
     Being who you are is such a beautiful thing. You being you is beautiful—
do you get that? You are beautiful. Gorgeous. Amazing. You are, to God and to
me and to everyone. You are precious. You aren't worthless. And I love you very
much, I love you more than I can ever explain in words. I thank God for you
everyday, all of you, no matter what you may think. I love you. Don't make my
mistakes. Don't fool yourself into believing you aren’t precious and outstanding.
Don't try to hide the real you behind fads, attitude, or layers of clothes. Be the
amazingly beautiful person God made you everyday. Don't smile when you
want to cry. Don't laugh at jokes that aren't funny. Don't try to impress people
by being someone you aren't, doing something you know is wrong, or acting the
way you think you should. No matter what you feel or who you are, be true to
that and be honest with yourself. Allowing people to see the real you is scary because
it makes you vulnerable, but why would you want people to love the someone
you’re pretending to be—not the someone you are. I love you, and I’ll be here
where I’ve always been: right by your side.

i'm so sick of love songs

If the whole wide world is on your back
If the strength you need is the strength you lack
If you're in a crowd but all alone
If you can't stay here and you can't go home
If you can't answer all the why's
Cause you're too tired to reach that high
I want you to, I need you to remember

If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I will be waiting where I've always been
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I have never left you, I'm where I've always been
Right by your side
Right by your side

--matthew west: if you ever need me

that picture FYI is all us girls out clubbing saturday night. i've never seen so many short, ugly entranced men in my life. it was frightening.

anna, caroline, kerry, moi, kelly.

 

.:when God closes a door He opens a window for you to jump out of:.

     --saved

 

photographs from the last few weeks.

enjoy.

1. mitchell and david.

2. where forrest sat to wait for his bus in Savannah

3. me and momma in savannah

4. caroline and moi at the beach

5. natalie and me

6. natalie and me again [hey--we're just that hot]

7. who knows?

8. me and austin

9. me and stephen

10. me and stephen being "artsy" because...well we just are.

if i didnt love you i'd hate you with the fire of 1000 suns

i dont know why we have to be so damn alike. praise jesus we're not getting married or we'd kill each other. you annoy the living hell out of me. and you're too stubborn, too immautre, too ridiculously impatient, too ridiculously like me. we never fight. not for real. and you hate me. nice. and i pretty much in this moment share the feeling. all i want is for you to be alright, to feel okay and be the best friend i love. i know that isnt a feasible option at the moment, but the fact that you're making it so incredibly impossible for anyone, even you're best friend, help, encourage, love, or even just be in your general presence isnt helping you in the slightest. shutting out the few people that care the most about you in the world is the stupidest thing you could do. whatever, it isnt like i could say any of htis to you--i'm a "smart ass, a pain" my very existence seems to irk you right now. sometimes i wish i could take how i feel when i get pissed at you, and go back to that day you wanted me to hit but i couldnt...because i sure as hell could smack your face off right now. you have no idea.

stones taught me to fly

love taught me to cry

come on courage,

teach me to be shy

it's not hard to fall--->

when you float like a cannonball.

--damien rice:cannonball

the opposite sex is kidding themselves if they think ladies are the complicated ones.

the one i would give my right arm to be with wont have me, the one who will certainly be good enough doesnt notice i exist, the one who intrigues me has no idea. and girls are difficult...r i g h t.

i love listening to people gripe about their "sig. other" troubles. please--honestly people, you have what the rest of us want, work your ass off to keep it--we're all jealous. and if it isnt making you happy leave it behind to find it. happiness is priceless, i would die for happiness. half the time, the problems you're having are trivial discrepancies gone awry and you cant see how ridiculous you're being. someone out there loves you, someone wants you, wants to be near you, wants to know you, wants to make youe everything alright----->cherish that lovely, cherish it. you dont know how incredibly lucky you are to have someone who cares.

i wish i could be content with myself alone--just me without anyone else tacked on the side to make me feel complete, someone else to make it feel like i officially have purpose. i dont need another person to complete me, i just want to find the one person to perfectly compliment me.

i have to do this collage for art. about myself. about who i am and what i need and how i feel. how i wear masks to seperate myself from the world, to guard my heart. how i think things about myself i'd never say about anyone else. how i feel worthless and unproductive. i get to express that to the world the only way i know how. i hope it turns out as successfully as i imagine it to be. i know you'll appreciate it. you always do.

.:and so it is: the shorter story, no love, no glory--no hero in her skies:.

--damien rice

we've all been spoken for. [speak up for me darling]

thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been

--you'll think of me:keith urban

this is one of the only country songs i like. i like it because the first time i actually heard it--by this i mean heard what was being said and what was being expressed--you were singing it under your breath while i was alseep. you were holding my hand. i heard your voice--it woke me up. [slighlty methaphorical, although true] and i opened m eyes, and you were already looking at me, smiling, and just kept singing. i closed my eyes again and you squeezed my hand. that always made me smile. it always will. even when you're singing to be silly i love to listen. i'll always love it, your voice. no matter what you're singing it makes me smile. always.

.i shouldnt be this way. i shouldnt feel the way i do now. too much time has passed--i should be ok. i shouldnt miss what i know i'll never get back. it's been too long. but still i sit here, lay there, cry in this place or that. sometimes i feel like it would be so much easier to forget you. if i couldnt remember you then i wouldnt miss you, and if i didnt miss you i wouldnt be as sad. i could heal--i could move on with my life. i want to leave this place to forget, to runaway from your ghost. its the only way i can see now to move on from this place. i'm so scared you'll forget me when i'm gone. that when i leave my memory will fade into dust; it will just float on the wind. but i know two things. i know i cant ever forget. i know that. you'll be with me even when i want to cut you out of me. i also know in some smaller way that you still care about me. most definitely not the way i still secretly hope--but i know i'm not dead to you. you wouldnt tell me the things i've missed out on, wouldnt make the effort to say goodbye to me, wouldnt make sure i was ok if you didnt. thats the only thing that makes this liveable. there are still glances when we think no one's watching...those glances mean a lot to me.  i wish i could tell you all this, i know this is all something you'll never see which is the only reason i write it down, but i know even if i could tell you it wouldnt mean anything. it would make you feel awkward or guilty which i dont want. it would create tension i dont need. i just pray that without my ability to let you know what you mean--i pray you know already. i dont want you to go on and not realize that you meant the world to someone. it would be a tragedy.

moving on, i'm glad we got a chance to talk last night. i really missed it. we always have good conversations, and you always seem to find some way to make me feel so much better without trying and probably realizing that you do. you genuinely care about my well-being. you're interested in what i have to say, you listen to me. you hear me. you're one of the only people i feel understands what i'm going through or what i feel sometimes. it just means a lot to me to have you around to talk to, to be there, to go above and beyond everyday. that makes you amazing.

.:surrender, surrender You whispered gently to me--i know, but cant you see? my dreams are me:.

--barlow girl

if only--if only i could let you go. so we can find our seperate gifts, thats our destiny apparently

We belong together,
Like the open seas and shores.
Wedded by the planet floor,
We've all been spoken for.

The hammer may strike,
Me dead on the ground,
A nail to my hand,
The cross on his crown.
Our comfort is true,
The years made it so.
I know you but you don't know.
How am I to live?
Why must we go our separate ways?
Be who we are not.
We are as we stay.
We're done if we're undone,
[Finished if who we are incomplete.]
As one we are everything,
We are everything we need.

We belong together,
Like the open seas and shores.
Wedded by the planet floor,
We've all been spoken for.

What good is a life,
With no one to share,
The light of the moon,
The honor of a swear?
Would you try to live the way in which you speak?
Taste the milk of your mother earth's love?
Spread the word of consciousness you see?
We are everything we need.

We belong together,
Like the open seas and shores.
Wedded by the planet floor,
We've all been spoken for.

All this indecision.
All this independent strain.
Still we've got our hearts on save,
We've got our hearts on save.

Someday when you're lonely,
Sometime after all this bliss,
Somewhere lost in emptiness,
[I hope you find this gift.]

--gavin degraw:we belong together.

an original:.

One day i hope you see

The huge mistake you made in leaving me

That you’ll finally see me

That you understand what your love cost

And maybe then you can see all that we’ve lost.

 

maybe i'll tell you all about it when i'm in the mood to lose my way with words

Don't be so scared, we will not lead you on like you've been doing for weeks.
So you're selfish, and I'm sorry.
When I'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast
Nowhere fast, nowhere fast.

Don't be so scared to take a second for reflection,
to take a leave of absence, see what you're made of.
So I'm selfish, and you're sorry.
When I'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast.
So who's selfish, and who's sorry?

--the academy is...

i only get burned when its cloudy. why is that? it dried up my pores though...so maybe i wont breakout this week. that would be nice.

dreams are intriguing, dont you think? i mean in dreams you can do or have whatever you want. and even though you might think you want something when you're awake...you purposely deny yourself of it in your dreams. your subconcious tells you you dont really want it. and you realize even though it's a nice idea, you dont truly feel that way. you know where your heart lies even if it's in a dark and lonely place. you know where you stand even if you're standing alone. i know how i feel, and i know what i want. i know it because it never leaves my mind, and i always choose it over you.

standardized testing is a conspiracy to screw the greater adolescent population.

"All you need is love" is a lie 'cause
We had a love but we still said goodbye
Now we’re tired, battered fighters

And it stings when it nobody’s fault cause there's
Nothing to blame At the drop of your name
It’s only the air you took and the breath you left

-- split screen sadness:mayer

i heard something today that made me really sad. in some small way, i see you in a different light. this mind you is a very small change we're talking about--but now i see why you could possibly be the way you are. and it makes me hurt for you more than i did before. i hope you find your happiness.

i'm tired of being what you want me to be, feeling so faithless, lost under the surface. i dont know what you're expecting of me--put under the pressure of walking in your shoes. every step that i take is another mistake to you, and every second i waste is more than i can take. i've become so numb, i cant feel you there. i've become so tired, so much more aware. i'm becomming this: all i want to do is be more like me and be less like you.

--numb:linkinpark

i love that ppl who ignore you want to be your "friend"on facebook. r i g h t...

"i dont know where you went when you left me but, it says here in the water you must be gone by now. i can tell somehow. one hand on the trigger of the telephone--wonderin when the call comes where you say its alright, you got your heart right."

well, you did leave. and i've stopped waiting by the phone for you to call me. i'm not stupid, and i'm flirting with the edge of reality. i know you wont be calling. you are over me. but i still pray you'll see what a mistake you made--that you'll realize how much i always did, always have, always will care. how much i see in you--all the good that you are and do; you inspire me to be better.

"i called because i just need to feel you on the line--dont hang up this time. and i know it was me who called it "over" but i still wish you'd fought me til your dyin day: dont let me get away. just cant wait to figure out whats wrong with me so i can say this is the way i used to be. oh for the sadness--split screen sadness. we share the sadness--that split screen sadness."

i didnt call it over. you did. and it tore me to pieces. pieces so small i'll never find them all--i'll never be whole again. i'll be damn close, but never there. four months after the fact and i'm here. about five steps ahead of where i was. i'm not happy with that progress. i want to be over you. i dont want to forget you--never. i love you, and you have been the most special person to enter my life, i never want to forget you or what you gave me: what you still bring to me when i look at you and see the person you are and the man you're going to be. i never want that sense of pride in you or that warmth i feel remembering you to go away. but i want the hurt to leave. i want it erased. i want to forget the pain and the hurt--the rejection, the dperession, the confusion, anger, lonliness...i could live the rest of my life without it and never miss it once. i just want to look at you and not want you back. i want to make you smile and not wish that i could hug you, tell you i love you still, kiss you...i wish i could be with you and be content just to be near you. i'm thankful for every minute i'm near you but i'd be a liar if i said i didnt want you back--that i didnt want you to love me again. i miss it everyday. i miss your warmth, your presence in my life every second. i think about it about...every other minute of my life. i love you and i wish you knew why. why i love you and why i'm so proud of you.

"So maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on your porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can’t find a flight
So I’ll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right"