jerks-r-us

ok, so today started off great....i surpised myself by actually getting out of bed this morning when my alarm went off so i could do an early workout before i had to be at church at 7:30. so i worked out, showered, made scrambled eggs, got dressed and headed to church. all was going perfectly fine until i get off the bus once we arrive at ichetucknee....thats about where the high points end for the day. i never knew one person could be such a complete and blatant example of immaturity and bastardism all at once....like honestly, it could have put the world's most obnoxious kid to shame. not only do you have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on in my life...WHAT SO EVER...you have also no right AT ALL to pry into MY life and judge me based on bits and pieces of conversation you eavesdrop your way into knowing. pretty much calling me a whore and saying all i want is to "get some" is bad enough when you dont even know what my life or my situation right now invloves, but embarassing me, acting like a complete ASSHOLE and basically trying to annoy me to the point of insanity is just so low and suprisingly, not beneath you in the least. i was suprised at how normal this reaction for you must be when i sat down and thought about it. being as you still bring up every mistake i have ever made since i met you--pretty much everytime we are around each other--and failing to mention or even act as if you've made a single mistake in your life is pretty freaking cocky, and just plain rude and unnecesary dont you think? yeah me too...funny. its so completely immature that you cant let those things go...especially after what? THREE YEARS. get over it and over yourself. putting me and my friends down all the time, annoying the hell out of everyone, and being a jerk and blaming everything that goes wrong on something or someone else is getting real old real fast and i'm not putting up with it anymore. i'm not sure why anyone does when you act that way. the sad thing is, i know you can be a nice person too, its just i hardly ever see that side of you, and i usually see the obnoxious one when i havent even done anything to provoke you....oh say--like today is a good example. its not like people think its cool when you act that way, you dont score any popularity points and you certainly dont attract anything but negative attention to yourself either so i'm still not quite sure what you get out of it, besides seeing me....some "bitch" you dont care about walk around in tears all day.....which i wouldnt think is a satisfying reward but maybe to someone as twisted as you it is.

 

anyway, on a lighter note, thank you sheridan for making that amazing pot pie tonight, i really liked it and i'm so full now. you rock. and i want to say thanks to everyone who tried to calm me down today too, sorry i was such a wreck, every hug meant the world to me.

--Lord, hear my pleas for guidance and peace in my life. Place your healing hands upon those who need you the most right now, give them the strength and courage to face their fears and problems, but also remind them its ok to cry, and its ok to have fears. Keep them in the palm of your hand and close to your heart Lord, they need you now more than ever and so do I. Grant me patience and peace of mind as well as peace of soul. Help me to see the good in others, especially when I'm feeling least charitable, for at those times understanding is most imparative. Remind us all of you're healing Spirit and love. Amen.--

drowziness may occur....

ok so i've been dead tired all day....and i dozed for an hour on the couh around 6 and finally gave up and tried to get some sleep around 9:30....and i dozed for another two hours....AHH i hate it because you're sleepy and tired but you cant get into that REM cycle.....it drives me crazy, and i squirm and have annoying songs stuck in my head and am thinking about a milion things but cant seem to slo my brain down long enough to sleep.

 

so, besides the obvious drawbacks of having your teeth ripped out of your skull....i've been in my house for the past three days, and its driving my crazy. i am very--social--and i usually always have something going on so not leaving my house is makig me a little loopy. i need to start working out again--i did twice then got my teeth out so i havent and i dont want to fall back out of my cycle....plus its something to pass the time, these few days have gone by far too slowly. being broke isnt as much fun as it sounds either. i need a job. i think i'm going to apply at peterbrooke's....chocolate whenever i want is never a bad thing...esp when i'm PMSing...which happens a lot. ok so i'm gunna attempt to fall asleep again....wish me luck gang....until next time--or the next insomniac attack...

 

the nickname chipmunk has a whole new meaning....

so i got my wisdom teeth out yesterday morning, and although i dont look as bad as i had figured i would...it still hurts a whole lot. i'm only a little swollen which is good, but i cant really open my mouth up very wide, and it hurts to take my pills. they stuck an IV in my arm to knock me out, man it was so freaky-i dont like needles. i remember feeling the liquid gushing into my arm, but i dont remember falling asleep. and i do remember being able to feel the doctor poking around in my mouth, but i remember it didnt hurt. and i remember being woken up and this lady walking me--haha really slowly--to this little room with a bed to wait for my parents to ocme back, and i was alseep and hiccuping....so i must have looked so weird--fat cheeks filled with gauze, blury eyed, and hiccuping...hmmmm. then we sat there for a while and my mom took me home. i sat around for a while and had to change the gauze every twenty minutes--oh man it was gross. my fingers were red the first 4 or 5 times, then by around 11 when i went to bed for the night, it was only a little pink in the corners....but it still hurts awfully bad.

natalie, melissa, and tara came to see me today, which rocked! i only knew mel was comming bc she called, and she brought me a balloon and a funny card...:) it made me smile. then tara showed up with a dozen pink roses! yay, she rocks. and then a little later, natalie came with a half dozen pink daisies!! my favorite ever! you guys are the best. and stephen came last night to see me and we watched secondhand lions--finally lol. and i'm excited about giving you your present tonight--i hope you like it. i really want to go to PB tonight, but i can barely open my mouth so i figure trying to sing will be useless....oh well. i'm so excited that we're doing Epworth this year--its gunna be so awesome! whoop whoop!

so, i cant believe high school is half over already....it went by fast. i'm glad it did though, its fun sometimes but lets face it--school just isnt the way we like to spend our time is it? i'm excited that i get to go off to college in two years...it'll be nice to get out on my own and meet new people--which will take me a while since i'm shy around people i dont know, but it'll be good for me. i want to go to north carolina so bad, i need to keep my grades up....it'll be to expensive for me to go without a scholorship, even here in florida it will be hard. if i cant go out of state, i want to go somewhere in south florida so i can at least get that whole out on my own, away from home and at college vibe. haha key west would be awesome just bc its so pretty there--but being homophobic like i am it could turn sour. lol.

--the opposite of wisdom is not ignorance, its confusion.-- Yoko Ono

peek-a-boo

Mmmm, today was a good day--all except being pooped on by a sugar glider...twice...and it being Kinga's last day. The stock holders dinner was fun, the slideshow was cool--haha i dont think there was more than like two serious or attractive pictures of me in there. oh well, i'm not a serious person....so it happens. so tonight was the best night i've ever had. its what i've wanted for a while and wasnt sure i would want after and if i got it...i still want it. things are just so crazy..i dont know i cant describe it but things go one way and curve to the other. i wish i could just make a decision--whatever it may be--and not second-guess myself or talk myself out of whatever i decided upon. not to have any doubts either way. and i hate that i pay for other peoples mistakes...being judged when there are not grounds for which i can be judged, you dont know me so dont assume i am any certain way...good or bad, because you dont know me. lying to get away from it makes me feel horrible and i hate it even if it doesnt bother you, i know i dont deserve the time of day to get to know by actions taken....and it hurts me.

--I need Your grace within my heart, deeply flowing from the start. I need  Your arms where I can go, knowing I wont be alone. I need You more than I could ever know, Lord please never let me go. You are the air I breathe, the water I thirst for, you are all I've ever wanted, Jesus You are all I've ever needed. You are the stars in my sky, you are the love in my eyes. And i pray that in all that i do, i can always honor you.--

peek-a-boo

Mmmm, today was a good day--all except being pooped on by a sugar glider...twice...and it being Kinga's last day. The stock holders dinner was fun, the slideshow was cool--haha i dont think there was more than like two serious or attractive pictures of me in there. oh well, i'm not a serious person....so it happens. so tonight was the best night i've ever had. its what i've wanted for a while and wasnt sure i would want after and if i got it...i still want it. things are just so crazy..i dont know i cant describe it but things go one way and curve to the other. i wish i could just make a decision--whatever it may be--and not second-guess myself or talk myself out of whatever i decided upon. not to have any doubts either way. and i hate that i pay for other peoples mistakes...being judged when there are not grounds for which i can be judged, you dont know me so dont assume i am any certain way...good or bad, because you dont know me. lying to get away from it makes me feel horrible and i hate it even if it doesnt bother you, i know i dont deserve the time of day to get to know by actions taken....and it hurts me.

--I need Your grace within my heart, deeply flowing from the start. I need  Your arms where I can go, knowing I wont be alone. I need You more than I could ever know, Lord please never let me go. You are the air I breathe, the water I thirst for, you are all I've ever wanted, Jesus You are all I've ever needed. You are the stars in my sky, you are the love in my eyes. And i pray that in all that i do, i can always honor you.--

the clouds roll as confusion sets in

so....i hate complications. life being simple would be too easy for everyone...actually--it'd be boring i would imagine, but sometimes i'd be willing to take boring over stressful.

so i'm glad your excited about your present....i hope you like it. its really not all that wonderful but if it strikes your fancy its good enough reason for me. i had fun tonight...the bookstore really is awesome--i hadnt been to really look for a long time....if only i had money. haha i say that about the mall too. two hours must be a record for our age group. the floating trash can was cool too. we need to find more than 24 stars.

i got a new planner for school yesterday at borders....haha i'm a nerd so much. its turquoise with white polka dots and i already decorated the inside and everything...i'm excited about a planner....i need friends. jk  have awesome ones. i'm real into collaging right now. collaging (V.): the act of making a collage. i cut out stuff from magazines like a neuropath and arrange them and--ah its great. try it....girls can friday at girls night out at church.

and today i bought a new book....always exciting. there are so many books i want to read, like the count of monte cristo and the adventures of huckleberry finn, i just dont know if its worth it--they could suck. i guess the only logical solution is to check them out at the library and read them. ehh--i have two or three to finish right now.

--I dont understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I dont do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. But I cant help myself, beacuse it is sin inside me that makes me to these evil things.--

                                                    Romans 7:15-16

relief should not have second thoughts

so i already wrote an entire journal on how love is stupid and how i've been hurt really bad, and then it got deleted like every single great journal i've ever written. i HATE it, but oh well, i think i needed to get that all out mostly for me, which is why i do this, but i guess God wanted it to stay under wraps. anyways...i totally forgot where i was even going with this.....this is random stuff i wroet throughout the year--i figured i'd bust it out and see if i get a reaction....

 

the rumbling fierce clouds

rage along with angry wind

causing fear among us

 

i am screaming inside, through the silence

Can you not hear me? Am i not all there?

i feel jaded, living with this violence

i am all alone, the wind blowing bare

my mind has been flooded with thoughts of you

 

All i want is for you to hear me. can i ever come out of this haze? i scream from inside but even in this full room, you, nor anyone can hear me. all i want is for someone to know i', here, i'm not gone yet. oh yes, i'm free! set loose like a lark from a cage. you can sense, hear, feel me.  all i've ever wanted has now come to pass. this is so beautiful, the like thriving around me and....no, this cant be happening, no! i'm here...hello?  oh no, i've slipped back into my abyss of dark and lonliness. oh, how i wish you could understand what i'm thinking and that i love you

 

the storm outside rages, but the utter silence around me is deafening. i feel nothing, need nothing, am free. the whispers of the whipping wind suddenly cut through my quiet. i realize with a bang that you're still here; youhavent left me. even though i cant see you, i feel you around me. with this epiphany comes new hope. i can be all i once was, i dont have to change. i am filled with a new peace i can almost hear the chorus. then i realize the storm outside rages, but the utter silence around me is deafening

 

the music fades softer as memories flow deep

these images of you get stronger,

I had hid them away to keep

music fades softer

when i dream about the past

felt like it was powerful

but i knew it wouldnt last

music fades softer

as i sink back on this tree

i love ocnjuring these memories

but i wish i could have seen...

cheddar broccoli soup, oil paints, and cows....

Maybe this time, I'll speak the words of LIFE, with your fire in my eyes, but that old familiar fear is tearing at my words, what am I so afraid of? so here I go again.

 

I've had a great day thus far.  Hanging out with tar-bear and Jo at panera and michael's was a lot of fun....seeing ernest saltmarsh was not. every great thing has its low points. it happens. anyways...so when we ran to tar's car while it was pouring ridiculous amounts of dihydrogen monoxide down on us, i got soaked...the lower half of my jeans were dripping....i looked like a drowned rat haha. thats always fun--thank goodness for dryers....i enjoyed my soup and talking about fake fruit and cows.....we will hang out when i get back and oil paint! thats exciting, those brushes feel amazing.

Father, hear my prayer, i need the perfect words, words that he will -hear- and know they're straight from you. i dont know what to say, i only know it hurts to see my only friend s l o w l y fade away...

here i go

Father, hear my prayer
I need the perfect words
Words that he will hear
And know they're straight from You
I don't know what to say
I only know it hurts
To see my only friend slowly fade away

So maybe this time
I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear
is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?

'Cause here I go again
Talkin' bout the rain
And mulling over things
that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance
to tell him that
You love him
But here I go again,
Here I go again

Lord, You love him so,
You gave Your only Son
If he will just believe
he will never die
But how then will he know
what he has never heard
Lord he has never seen
mirrored in my life

Maybe this time
I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear
is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?

'Cause here I go again
Talkin' bout the rain
And mulling over things
that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance
to tell him that
You love him
But here I go again,
Here I go again

This might be my last chance
to tell him that You love him
This might be my last chance
to tell him that You love him
You love him, You love him
What Am I so afraid
What am I so afraid
What am I so afraid of?
How then will he know
What he has never heard

so i was in bathroom this morning, just getting out of the shower and this song came on...(this cd is excellent by the way--esp #4) and it hit me like a ton of bricks. it made me think of a particular friend i havent talked to in a while, someone i miss a lot and worry about--one i pray for continually.  anyways...if you're reading this, i truly and genuinely hope you find some faith and solace in Christ, i know you choose not to believe, but i hope that someday you'll find the everlasting peace i wish for you. i love you and i'm always here.

jazz is just better

so i got home from fireworks last night at um....11:30 or something and then decided with my dad that now was when we were going to make this jazz cd i had been talking about.  so we had to find the songs on the ocmputer and copy a few cds to get the last few songs and made the cds, labels, and jewel cases. i went to bed around 2:15 or so....but the cd is really good. here's the song list:

1. Nat King Cole and Natalie Cole: When I fall in love

2. Johnny Hartman: I see your face before me

3. Seal: Kiss from a rose

4. Johnny Hartman: The nearness of you

5. Glenn Miller: A string of pearls

6. Johnny Hartman: In the wee small hours of the morning

7. Johnny Hartman and John Coltrain: My one and only love

8. Toni Braxton: Unbreak my heart

9. Celine Dion and Clive Griffith: When I fall in love

10. Johnny Hartman: The very thought of you

11. "Dinah Washington" <--(not really her...some guy but thats the file name): Since I fell for oyu

12. Johnny Hartman and John Coltrain: Dedicated to you

13. The Temptations: Night and day

14. Johnny Hartman and John Coltrain: They say its wonderful

15. Seal: This could be heaven

16. Joey Gian: Return to me

17. Nnenna Freelon: If I had you

18. Frank Sinatra: I've got you under my skin

19. Joey Gian: What if I loved you

I know some of the songs like Seal arent really "jazz" but they all have that smooth slow thing going so it works....i had to specify for the MUSIC NERDS. anyways, its a good cd, you should listen to those songs. its the best kind of music to listen to when its rainy and thundering....the best ones are The Nearness of You by Johnny Hartman and Night and Day by The Temptations, If I had You by Nnenna Freelon, Since I fell for you by "Dinah Washington" and a lot of Norah Jones' songs..she is wonderful too, i just didnt put her on here. anyways--i need some coffee being as i was up until two am making this piece of musical dynamite. until next time....

oooh yes!

so today was officially the best day of my life thus far.  i woke up and headed straight to the beach, soaked up the sun and did a little reading, frolicked in the ocean, squished sandunder my tan toes....it was a good start.  i have to say i thouroughly enjoy huguenot park much more than any other beach.  you dont have to drive for 25 minutes to find a parking spot, bc you just drive out and park on the sand.  AND...i can bring my girls...they love to swim...haha and being puppies they love to chase the seagulls.  they rock. then i got a nice shower....and shaved..yeah i know--how could this day get any better.  then i got mexican which is also a great thing...Los Torros all the way.  Just dont ask for nachos seperate...bad idea.

then saw caitie, yay, at the movies....come back to sunday school i missed you.  saw the terminal, much better than i anticipated. it was pretty funny--all except for being in the front so i got a crick in my neck and i had little 7th grade looking youngens sitting infront of me talking loudly and never seeming to be able to stay seated....always moving or getting up and comming back and up and back...AH if i had ADD i would have been in serious trouble. the ear is amazing.

i had such a perfect evening to wrap up my perfect day. the cat on the car was funny...and the creepy guy in the office....oh man.  i've never felt this way. you are amazing and i feel amazing and that--without being flowery--is the best way to describe it simply put. we like simplicity. beach. white and simple. pink shirt. flip flops. orchids.

night and day, you are the one. only you beneath the moon and under the sun. whether near to me or far, its no matter darling where you are. i think of you, day and night.

the strnads in your eyes that colored them wonderful, stop me and steal my breath. and emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky, never revealing their depth.