29.11.07

take me home baby




reasons why curtis stone is the perfect man:

-he cooks. and that is the biggest reason. it's such...a refreshing thing. a guy who not only cooks, but is good at it and enjoys it...nice.

-he finds people in the grocery store and takes them home and cooks for them. who doesnt want someone to cook them dinner? and teaches them while he cooks. even better.

-has been, and cooked, in basically every place i would love to go. personal tour guide? i think sooooo.

-who doesn't love the australian accent? seriously.

-oh yeah....he's also gorgeous. i guess that counts too.

24.11.07

Why would you wanna break
A perfectly good heart
Why would you wanna take
Our love and tear it all apart
Now, why would you wanna make
The very first scar
Why would you wanna break
A perfect good heart

Maybe I should've seen the sign
Should've read the writing on the wall

And realize by the distance in your eyes
That I would be the one to fall
No matter what you say
I still can't believe
That you would walk away
It don't make sense to me

But why would you wanna break
A perfectly good heart
Why would you wanna take
Our love and tear it all apart
Now, why would you wanna make
The very first scar
Why would you wanna break
A perfect good heart

It's not unbroken anymore
How do I get it back the way it was before?

Why would you wanna break
A perfectly good heart
Why would you wanna take
Our love and tear it all apart
Why would you wanna make
The very first scar
Why would you wanna break
A perfect good heart

Why would you wanna break
A perfectly good heart
Why would you wanna take
Our love and tear it all apart
Why would you wanna make
The very first scar
Why would you wanna break
A perfect good heart

walkin tall.

uggggggghhhhh.
what the helllll!!!!!!  standing for 8 hours BLOWS. bad. after 7.5 hours i literally walk around in a haze, capable of bursting into tears at any moment. i can barely move. my normal pace is relatively fast...my 7.5 hours of working pace is relativly slow compared to a sloth. considering i never had to get a job in the first place, i am seriously questioning if i was on drugs when i decided to do so. i'm stupid.

Please take down the mistleoe
Cause I don't wanna think about that right now
Cause everything I want is miles away
In a snow covered little town
Mama's in the kitchen worrying about me
Seasons greetings hope you're well
I'm doing alright if you were wondering
Lately I can never tell

I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when you were mine

I've been doing fine without you, really
Up until the nights got cold
Eveybody's here except you, baby
Seems like everyon's got someone to hold

But for me it's just a lonely time
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine


--------------------> .taylor.swift.

on another note.

i think its funny how silly fsu fans insist on believing the lie that they will win. silly seminoles. you were in gator country....the swamp takes no prisoners. just meat. and you were the main course.


18.11.07

The Best. Compay. EVER.

i am not happy about working at 8 am. i want to sleep for once! i dont feel like ive gotten any sleep in days. ugh.

i wish i knew what you were thinking. it is killing me to not know. so i guess if you read this....know i meant what i said and i want you to decide whatever is best for you, but i need to know. i don't want to lose you. or go crazy waiting.

17.11.07

i have no idea. i wish you could let me love you. or that i could just let you go.

Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn't you see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it's here I see the truth,
I don't deserve you.

But I need you to love me,
And I, I won't keep my heart from you this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can't
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how you
could cherish me.
Cause you're a God who has all things,
and still you want me.

And I need you to love me,
And I, I won't keep my heart from you this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have

Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been, oh-oh.

And I need you to love me, yeah
I need you to love me, ye-ea-eah!
And I'll stop this pretending that I can't,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me

15.11.07

24 hours later...

so i woke up at 7 am.....yesterday. and i havent slept since.

fun. i love finals. so lovely. i finally finished the damn thing, but never got around to packing...so at 6 a.m. i took a shower, threw all my crap in bags, and after this i have to lug it all out to my car, go to classs, have my drawing ripped apart, come back, pack all my food up, drive to jacksonville, drop crap off, go to target for my third interview...its a seasonal position holy crap...and maybe, somewhere around, say--4? 6? p.m. i might get some sleep.

hopefully the energy pill i took at 5 a.m. will keep me kickin' until then.

ugh, i'm ready to just chillllllll. yeah. right.

12.11.07

feeling guilty, how did i let myself fall in love with two men? who do i choose? ben? or jerry?

A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst.
I started looking for excuses.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized,
That you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

And I'm tired,
I should not have let you go.


So I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms.
And I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms...

------------->warning sign

11.11.07

that's why her hair is so big, it's full of SECRETS!

seriously. if you dont check out Post Secret you need to.

postsecret.blogspot.com----new secrets every sunday.

i'm serious. do it. you will not regret it.

golden oldies.

i just spent....however long its been since i updated last..an hour? 2? reading all of my journal entries from 2006. parts made me laugh. parts made me angry all over again. parts made me remember.

i remember being so in love with mitchell that no one else in the world seemed to matter. ever. and man. i had it bad. i was l-o-v-e in love with that boy. and he completely and utterly smashed my heart into ten thousand pieces. reliving that is still a little hard. but i look back, to the times just before i left for school...at how hard i was trying to hold onto him...it was just not good. i can tell by the way i wrote that i was trying to psych myself up..but i knew it was over before i left. he was too young, couldn't handle it. but it didnt make things any easier. i remember the day in september when i realized it had been a year since we had broken up. september 22nd to be precise. and i felt sad. for about half a minute. because this past year was so hard, and i missed him so much, and you know what? i made it. i made it through. there were nights i thought i wouldn't wake up in the morning because i was so distraught, but i always did, even if it meant waking up to the realization he wasnt mine for the zillionth time. and i look back now and realize i'm here still. i am living my life, and even though it isnt perfect, i'm alive. and i still miss him on the rare occasion, but i dont feel like palms sweat and my heart stop whenever he's around. i dont get tongue-tied and stupid, i dont hold on the the pathetic shread of hope i scavanged from God knows where...we are friends and we talk and i am happy with that. and realizing i made it through that makes me realize how strong i am. it also makes me realize if he wasnt the one, whoever is has so much love waiting for them, they wont know what to do with themselves.

i remember patrick coming home, and how happy i was to pick him up from the airport. we dont even speak now. well, hardly ever. i dont feel like either one of us has made any effort to stay friends. which is sad, and whenever this thought occurs to me i drop what i'm doing and call him. i usualy...actually never...get a response until at least a week later. we have our own lives now and they are seperate, but i just hope if i need him he will still be there willing to listen. i have pretty high hopes that he will.

although i never wrote anything about you, i am remembering you tonight. mostly because i dont have you anymore. which was my own doing. i couldnt go on the way things were, and it wouldnt have been fair to you. but i miss you so much it hurts. i feel like a part of me is missing. i went to barnes and noble alone, which never used to bother me. i felt so incredibly small and alone. and there was a stupid 14 year old couple making out by the sci-fi section. and i wanted to smack them and tell them to f off. but instead, i went and hid in the art section. part of the reason i love it is because it is in the back where no one purposely goes...the just stumble upon it in search of the toilets. so it is secluded and private and perfect. and i read a painting book, trying not to think about how you wouldnt be coming up behind me to see what i was reading, or how you wouldn't be sitting in the history section with 15 books in your lap about attila the hun or diseases of the 17th century. [not that i particularly remember you having an avid interest in 17th century diseases....it just seemed weird enough to fit.] i also had to remember you would not be waiting for me in the parking lot, holding your world market apron, with a box of that nasty lava cake mix. and it made me so sad. because i didnt lose a boyfriend. i lost a best friend. and i cant be here, in this city, where we spent an entire year together, without thinking about you. i missed you so much tonight. i miss you so much right now.

ha, remembering the post i wrote about how stupid my old roommate was was quite funny. what a retard. i'm not even devoting a whole paragrpah to that crazy 83431.
[check out the periodic table. courtesy of daddy-o...wait, maybe i shouldnt be telling people my dad told me that. oh well..toolate now.]

and again, i never wrote about this before, but i am thinking of you also tonight. [pause, contacts suck. you can pretend crazy elevator music is playing or something...or i guess you could skip this part since by the time you read this i will have continued my post....you decide.] ok..anyway. i am thinking that i feel a teeny hint of guilt every time we talk. i wait impatiently and excitedly for your emails, and when i finally get one a huge smile crosses my face. long or short, i enjoy them. i am glad i have  friend i can talk to, especially about particular things, which i dont feel i can share with other people, if only because they try to give advice or tell me what they think instead of shutting up and listening, period. this is what i love about you. you listen. and you give advice when i need/want it. nothing more or less. and i dont feel as if you judge me either. which is also nice. it makes me sad to think how long its truly been since i've seen your face, i honestly cant even say what we did the last time we were together..whether it was that spontaneous, and not all that cardio-ed walk we went on, or if it was the trip to the movies, where i cant even recall the film, just that we had a blast eating candy like it was goin outta style. i like that i have fun with you--and that i dont even remember WHAT we do half the time, but that i remember how i felt when we were together. that i was happy and laughing and be silly and myself and it was OK. its refreshing. and i wish there was a way for it to happen more often. sometimes i wonder about you, because you are always honest with me, but also in a way discreet. so i dont always know what's on your mind, nor always what is really going on under the surface. i feel like with you i tend to pour out everything because i find it so easy to talk to you, but that you end up listening more than sharing. which is fine, and its great...but sometimes i wish i knew for certain what you think.

this is an absurdly long memoir. for a journal entry anyway, and certainly my longest in ages. i guess i cant stop typing because if i do, i have to face the silent, dark lonliness. so...here's to turning out the light.

10.11.07

alonefortheholidays.

this is the one reason i hate the holidays. i am always alone. no matter what. and its depressing. i dont like shopping and seeing gross couples runing around being all...in love. and making out in barnes and noble. go to books a million if you want to do that. seriously.

i'm kind of over waiting. i pretty much havenever been good at it, and i've been doing so long in this respect that i just want to scream at God and ask Him why He's making things so damn difficult. i fall in love and then its gone. i get over it and find someone new and it doesnt work out. or the timing is off. or the distance is off. or the situation isn't...right. and i'm so damn tired of feeling like the odd person out. always. i cannot name a single close friend that isn't/hasn't had someone...for at least a year. seriously. and they always want to bring their boyfriends along. cool. good for you. you got someone. whoopie. i dont care. [i realize this sounds immature.whatever. does it look like i care? exactly.]

i want him. and i want him now. and why the HELLLLLL is my spacebar notworking. ahhhhhhhhhhhi hate this damn thing. what the..
moving on. i want the support, the friend, the closeness, the constant companion. i dont want to hot party date,the arm candy, the showman. i want the forever. and i dont think that that is too much to ask. i really dont. i want to be in love and have it work out for once. i just want the be in love, and be loved.

this is the loneliest time of...everything.


.:slow down girl your not going anywhere
just wait around and see
maybe I am much more you never no what lies ahead
I promise I can be anyone I can be anything
just because you were hurt doesn't mean you shouldn't bleed
I can be anyone anything I promise I can be what you need :.


---------------->secondhand serenade.

7.11.07

somewhere inbetween

i suddenly feel so alone. like a part of me has been misplaced. and i dont know where to look. i'm so tired of feeling alone--even in crowds i can sometimes feel invisible.
i dont always feel alone, but it happens often enough to irritate me.

i miss the closeness. i want the closeness. and i dont have any closeness. and there isn't anyone who can give it to me for whatever reason. i almost feel like i'm standing on the edge of something, i'm ready to leap off and dive into this great, new adventure...only the person who is supposed to catch and go with me never showed up. so i'm stuck, standing, staring out at what i could have, only to have to wait for the impromptu to arrive.

............i hate when people are late.

6.11.07

i love anthropologie. in loooooooove.

online christmas shopping.

it is beautiful. beautiful things, beautiful prices, beautiful everything. i never actually buy anything...but i feel like its ok to go looking when there's a holiday coming up. as if all the things i'm coveting i'll really buy for someone else. yeahhhhh. right. like i want to buy the amazing yellow dinner plates, salad plates, and tea cups and saucers for someone else to enjoy. i just want to light a pumkin candle, settle in with some hot chocolate, and surf the red ribboned, snow sparkling, present laden wave that is the world wide web gone christmas.

i really wish aol would give me cooler mood options. or just let me fill in the blank. "chillin'" sounds so....dumb. but nothing else fit. and "stuffing your face with chocolate, feeling naseuous, and using your laptop as an impromptu heating pad" has apparently been removed.


5.11.07

wooooow.

i just realized if you press "ctrl" on the mac and do the scrolly thing ith your two fingers on the pad....it ZOOOOOOOMS the page. wow. i was so entertained. i love when i discover new things by being a clumsy ass. woooo.

it's time for another cinematic adventure...

there are so many good movies out right now. that should have gone on yesterday's list. all the great movies come out now and in june.
i'd like to see:
.american gangster.
.bee movie.
.we own the night.
.across the universe.
.gone baby gone.
.michael clayton.
.martian child.
.why did i get married.
.the gameplan.
.dan in real life.
.a nightmare before christmas.


in other news. movies i would like to see in general. there is a long list that this short excuse will do no justice to, but, it is a start.
.the english patient.
.almost famous.
.interview with a vampire.
.amelie.
.the aviator.
.roman holiday.  [i am embarassed to say i have not seen all of her movies]
.my fair lady.
.cinderella man.
.a walk in the clouds.
.armageddon.
.fiddler on the roof.
.ray.
.seabiscuit.
and i cannot think of any others. i just know there are about a zillion more.

.:keep moving forward:.
.meet.the.robinsons.

4.11.07

california dreamin...

yes. i have discovered the crooning michael buble. and i must say--i am quickly falling in love. if you added a little jazz and UK, he could be jamie cullm whom i also adore. i've decided i just like this whole crooner genre. its sexy. that how i think of it. sinatra-y sounding, timeless i guess. i want his christmas EP.
i know i act like a scrooge plenty during the holidays, but i wont lie--i always look forward to christmas. i love it. granted i hate the cold weather...it is apporpriate for the season. my favorite holiday things:
.the smell of pumpkin pie.
.our white and gold christmas tree.
.icicle lights.
.hot chocolate mmm.
.wearing real pajamas and not being hot.
.not feeling guilty about spending money.
.spoiling people i love.
.christmas morning breakfast.
.thanksgiving food. all of it.
.family.
.dressing up.
.christmas movies!.
.did i mention food?.
.the fact that everyone is a little happier.
.christmas dinner.
.christmas music i've heard 800 times and wish i could throw out the window.

i'm ready to get the last few weeks of school over with so i can enjoy myself. this will be the first new year in a very long time i won't be praying for a fresh start. i mighr actually be able to make it enjoyable, and that's a nice feeling. i don't have anything holding me back any longer. so bring it on.

"its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life, its a new life for me and i'm feelin good."

------>m.buble.:.feelin.good

2.11.07

i'm telling you--go for the fancy blue socks. you'll be a knockout.

the past few days have been abounding in happy surprises. it almost makes up for the sadder parts of the week, but it lurks like an undercurrent.

frying chicken DOES make the house stink. i have now learned from personal experience. but it was pretty fantastic as well..so i can't complain too much. macaroni was delish as well. it's true--i have become quite the domestic goddess these past few months. i'm turning into my momma, and i'm pretty alright with that--actually dang proud. i think shes a pretty cool chick.

i'm thinking i'm going to paint my nails orange. its time to take care of my hands again...between the colder weather, paint, and graphite powder....my hands are more than a little cracked and icky. and sore. not good.

i've nothing more to say, it has, as per usual, slipped my mind.