i can take a few tears now and then and just let em out...you said it was ok to cry

last night was so unexcpected. there was a clarity to it. we talked, you told me exactly what i needed to hear-----and you didnt even know you did it. i used to be so angry. so angry all the time---->bitter. bitter that this thing had been taken away from me, so mad that my little piece of heaven was ripped from under me. i shouldnt hae been left out in  the cold, i never wanted to leave--never wanted you to go. but it happened and it was brutal. for me. and for you. things i never knew. things left unsaid for so long...you've given me more than i could ever imagine. you've given me everything, and i hope i can--or have somewhat--repaid you for all that you are. you've given me the chance to heal. the opportunity to understand. a little bit of closure. only God could tell you what you've meant. i could never find the words. thank you for opening my heart and my eyes.

something unusual, something strange come from nothing at all

there's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth

still a little bit of you laced with my doubt

it's still a little hard to say whats going on

 

there's still a little bit of your ghost, your witness

still a little bit of your face i havent kissed

you step a little closer each day, so close that i cant say whats going on...

 

there's still a little bit of your song in my ear

still a little bit of your words i long to hear

you step a little closer to me, so close that i cant see whats going on...

 

stones taught me to fly

love taugh me to cry

so come on courage----->teach me to be shy

cuz it's not hard to fall, and i dont want to scare her

it's not hard to fall, and i dont want to lose

it's not hard to grow, when you know that you just dont know

this will probably end up getting deleted, and if not--it probably should have been

i have begun about 4 entires over the past few days; none have survived. i have no motivation to complete anything. not to finish my self portrait, not to finish cleaning up my room, not to finish this entry. i just dont care. that isnt good.

i just got a massive dose of lotion in my eye-----> no, that doesnt sound painful, but it is. it's deceiving in all its silkiness. dumb lotion. now i have to squint one-eyed at the screen whilst i type three-fingeredly whilst i tap all other keys with my two, count them two, casts. and you wonder why i dont want to finish this. it sounds elementary in its capabilities, does it not?

i just realized i used several large and rarely spoken words in that paragraph. i love using words you dont hear often, or words that just sound nice. superscilious, stoic <------my personal favorite, flabbergasted, gellatinous, perspicacity, quixotic, modulate, salacious, whisp, tenacious. words like that. i love words. and i sound like a super nerd so i'm going to discontinue this rant.

all this randomocity is hurting my brain. i must sound like lewis caroll after an opium trip. i'm leaving now, goodbye to all my lovelies. pray i get some sanity back.

i just dont know anymore, and i cant say or do the things i want to. why?

i dont know anymore. i dont know how i feel, and even if i did--i wouldnt be able to tell you. i'm so guarded. i'm so afraid of being hurt. even if i knew what i wanted to say or not say to you, i dont know if i could...because if i did you could either reject it, or you could accept it. rejecting it would only cut off this whoel thing. accepting it means you have the power to hurt me. so much power. it isnt so much that i'm afraid you specifically are going to hurt me, it's that i cant deal with it again. i've never been in a relationship that has ended amicably. never. i've always been hurt. and most recently, i have been hurt for 8 months. 8 months. 8 months. thats most of a year. most of a year i died. most of a year i couldnt breathe too deeply. most of a year i just wanted to give up and quit and give in. most of a year i couldnt go a day without crying for.

 

keep me as happy as i am. you always ask me what i want. thats what i want.

Getting to like this feeling i've found, i will never let you down

"Walk On"------> U2

And love
It's not the easy thing
The only baggage
That you can bring
Not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
Before the second you turn back
Oh no, [be strong]

Walk on
Walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it<---------

Walk on
Walk on
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place
None of us has been
A place that has to be believed
To be seen

You could have flown away
A singing bird
In an open cage
Who will only fly
Only fly for freedom

Walk on
Walk on
What you got
You can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it

Walk on
Walk on
Stay safe tonight

---------->And I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
You can only take so much<--------

Walk on
Walk on

Home
Hard to know what it is
If you never had one

Home
I can't say where it is
But I know I'm going

Home
That's where the hurt is

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind

All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break

All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind

All that you reason
All that you care

It's only time
And I'll never fill up all my mind (??)

All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
And all that you scheme

All you create
All that you wreck
All that you hate