my collage

erase all the pain til its gone

i wanna hold you high and steal your pain away

i keep your photograph and i know it serves me well

i wanna hold you high and steal your pain

because i'm broken when i'm lonesome

and i dont feel right when you're gone away

the worst is over now and we can breathe again [<----not true]

i wanna hold you high--you steal my pain away

theres so much left to learn and no one left to fight

i wanna hold you and steal your pain

cuz i'm broken

when i'm open, and i dont feel like i am strong enough

cuz i'm broken when i'm lonesome

and i dont feel right when you're gone away

[broken^]

Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

Last night I tried to leave
Cried so much I just
Could not believe

I sat down on my couch
And cried
Yelling oh mama please
Help me
Won’t you hold my hand.

And
Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

[let her cry:hootie^]

i have no words. none. they are my existence and they are dried up like the brown, crunchy leaves of autumn...useless and fragile. just please God, please just take the pain away. i've run out of solutions. i dont know what else i can do. i need peace...not i want it--i need it. i cant go on for the next year and a half of my life feeling the way i do. i cant stay depressed. i cant survive. i'm not strong. i'm broken and weak and i'm fighting a losing battle. everytime i tihnk things could get better i get slapped in the face and pushed back down...covered in dirt and my own hot tears. i need to stop the tears. the flow endlessly, i need them to dry up, not my words. dry up the tears God. take this away from me. i dont know what else to do. i cant put into words how lost, alone, scared, hurt, cold, empty, useless, pitiful, and cast aside i feel. everything keeps piling up and i have no where to put it all. i'm finished. i'm done. take this away.

i spent a whole day being sad over you, not a fair trade for the 30 seconds you spent on me

i used to stand so tall, i used to be so strong.

now i cant breathe, no i cant sleep--i'm barely   h a n g i n g   on

here i am, once again. i'm torn into pieces

cant deny it, cant pretend....broken up deep inside

you wont get to see the tears i've cried behind these hazel eyes.

i told you everything, i [opened] up--let you in

you made me feel alright for once in my life

now all thats left of me

is what i pretend to be--so

 together but so broken up inside.

[kelly clarkson]

i cant believe how blind i am. i mean honestly...how naive could i be? apparently its bad though--i thought you might care for once. nope. no such luck. you just want me around when you feel like, want me to come to you, want me to make all the effort, want to sit back and enjoy my company when it doesnt require you to lift a finger. what kind of self-absorbed bullshit is that? when boys and girls hang out, the boy picks up the girl. he opens all her doors, even car doors, he pays...its just how the game is played. he calls her. are we noticing a pattern here? mr. chivalrous is supposed to be doing the heavy lifitng. and you know what? i'm sure if he was doing his job right most girls would be more than happy to tak up some of the slack after a while. but you have to prove you're worth it. you have to make an effort. there has been no effort. there has been opened doors and paid for meals and thats wonderful but there is so much more to things than that. that doesnt cut it. it never will. i'm sorry ifi made you believe thats how things should be. it isnt. i just wish i would stop picking guys that dont give a shit about me. it ghets old fast when its proven to you over and over that you dont matter enough. a lovely tingly feeling...like needles.

i'd say i was going to go lesbian to avoid the stupidity of guys but that is just so....wow. sorry ladies...you just dont get me the way those beastly biceps do.

its alwas the girls or people in general who are IN relationships who love to give single people advice. "oh, being single is so wonderful, you can have so much freedom and learn a lot about yourself and blah blah blah..." yeah...WHATEVER. you can blow that smoke up your own ass because i'm not listening to it anymore. you have what everyone else wants, you have no idea how much it hurts. you're not in a position to tell me how to be happy and that i dont need a guy--because he's obviously doing his job with you honey. thats like me telling a mechanic how to jump start a car. its ridiculous.

.:all i feel is the rising of heat in my throat, the burn of tears in my eyes, and the empty promises you love to throw away:.

i swear i have insomnia

so this whole "i-dont-get-tired-until-1-or-2-am" thing is getting reallllll old. i just want to go to bed like a normal person and even when i'm tired i cant all asleep. how retarded is that? yeah--very, thanks.

i dont even know what i was going to say...i'm not sure i even had any real subject for this entry...

did i ever mention my utter dislike for couples? my obsessive-compulsive desire to smack them all in the head? i'm so utterly jealous...even of the weird, annoying, or even gross couples. i feel i have slipped into a state of patheticness that i cannot fully be pulled out of. you keep saying it'll happen one day...one day i'll meet this amazing person and i'll be so happy forever, that you never ever thought it would happen to you either but it did finally and how great it is. i guess i am now officially in your shoes. because right now i feel as if i'll never even find someone i'm can even date normally who likes me and wants to make an effort for me, much less anyone who just yearns to adore me and give me everything i want and need...are there really people, or a person rather, out there that is just waiting for me? a guy sitting or sleeping somewhere praying he's going to find his someone too...and that it'll actually be me he wants? he doesnt even know it yet, but i want him too. he doesnt even know i exist, who i am, where i'm from, or anything about me and yet we'll have a love that will put the movies to shame. he doesnt know i sometimes cry at the thought that i'll never be able to find him in this mess of people i'm forever surrounded by...that i'm so scared i'll pass him by or that i wont see him. i wish though, that he knew how much i miss him. i do, i miss him now in my bones--i guess its easy to say that sounds silly, to miss someone you've never met, but i truly believe in my core that you can. i dream about him even....not in specifcs, but as an idea, i dream about a man who can save me and help me grow and see me for this beautifully screwed up person i am...i always thought people who were all romantic were just stupid. i used to not believe in love, and in my dark, quiet times i still have trouble--but the idea that eventually, whether i'm 80 as i feel like i could be, or in a year at college i'll meet him and we'll just know in our bones that its right...that is what keeps me alive. i just hope he realizes he has a treasure waiting for him, and she hopes he will treasure her by waiting for her as well.

.:i longed for my lover. i wanted him desperately. his absence was painful. [...if you find my lover, please tell him i want him, that i'm heartsick with love for him.]:.

--song of songs 3:1, 5;8

drumroll please....

yes, its true. kristina finally got accepted to college. the Savannah College of Art and Design to be exact. oh yeah--who's hot stuff now? haha, i'm enthralled.

here's my aquarius horoscope:

aqarius girl: original, independent, and very artistic

your special trait: you are an honest, loyal, and true friend.

your little secret: you absolutely cannot handle criticism

that doesnt sound at all like me does it?

i find it ironic that i usually hate getting into relationships at first because i dont like to be "tied down". now that i seem to be interminably single, i ache to have someone with me. i want that warmth with me and all around me. i hate being around couples, seeing couples, watching them in movies or on the streets....it makes me feel so alone. so alone and out of place.

.:whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same:.

--emily bronte

 

my artwork...this camera is amazing

this is all of my own personal artwork from my sketchbook and some photographs i've taken since yesterday...enjoy.

i hate that i need you

i have become weirdly obsessed with john mayer's room for squares in the last week. like--its the only thing i've listened to, and i know most of the words to the majroity of the songs. i just adore it. i never listened to it until wednedsay or thursday but now i cant keep the cd player off. mmmm

[merry christmas--not happy holidays]

christmas was actually significantly better than i had expected--mostly because i didnt know what to ask for, so basically i didnt ask for anything. i got some nice things though--and everyone really liked their picture frames. that made me happy--i wish i could have tkane pictures of everyone's reactions; ya'll are too cute. but, i got an iPod nano--it is the most amazing man-made electronic device known to the outside world. i'm obsessed with it....i adore it passionately. i also got a digital camera--i've been eyeing them for a while and its nice to know i'll never have to buy a disposable camera again...i'll just have to think up  another reason to go to winn dixie ;)

i heard from you today...that made my whole day. considering its been weeks since you've said anything to me of your own volition this wasa sizemic (sp?) event. i just wish you'd take some initiative--its so hard to be mysterious and play hard to get when no one's trying to figure you out.

so, according to a friend of mine, two misguided guys "not realizing what they had/are missing" does not equate me repulsing males. i guess thats comforting? all except for i cant find one that shares my interests. i hate being alone--which to most people may sound strange because i could be by myself for hours and not care...but not having that companionship, that person you know, or in my case mostly think, will always be there for you--that person who cant wait to talk to you just to see what you'll say...the guy who thinks i'm just God greatest gift...i miss that. not that i ever had it in those extreme terms but--you get my general message i assume. i dont want a guy to be obsessed with me and follow me around like a lost puppy...but i want someone strong who can tak care of me when and if i need him to, someone who always wants to open all my doors, who i can talk to for hours and not even realize how much time has passed, who can be with me and have it feel like the most natural thing there is...i'm so ready for a real, lasting, meaningful and loving relationship. i thinki have been for a long time, but i dont think i can ever find someone whos ready for me. why should i pay the price just because no one can handle me? i'm young and i know this--but i have so much love and honesty, and caring inside of me that i just ache to share with someone who wants it. i want my someone who will love me forever...why cant he just come sweep me off my red-tipped toes and make me happy forever, and allow me to make him blissful? i can do it, i'm going to make an amazing wife which ihave always known. mother? i wonder sometimes and i'm thankful i have no interest in it as of now...i just want to share all of myself with someone who will understand and accept me naked--bare, with everything out in the open, no secrets, no regrets, nothing to cover up the things i may not see in myself as beautiful--but he'll see them. he'll see my imperfections and gaze right over them because there's enough good inside of me to make those imperfections fade into nothingness. lord--i'll have to date someone like 5 years older than i am if i want to find a guy whos mature enough to handle me and all that i am and will become. all i want is you

.:you should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes, it brought me back to life. you'll be with me next time i go outside:.

"i'll never speak up again, it only hurts me, i'll be a mystery--then you'll deserve me"

isn't wrapping presents fun?  well, actually--i rather hate the actual wrapping bit, but i like putting ribbons and bows on my presents so that part is fun. :) christmas is only 2 days away.

john mayer--love song for no one

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I   h a t e   it

I'm [tired] of being alone
So hurry up! and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
[Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one]

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance?
And watched you walk away?
Oh no way

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so   g o o d   for me

 

what the hell

i love how people use words like "bitch" and "slut" and "ho bag" as if they're cute little pet names....i.e.---> "hey bitches!  whats up? haha" like....honestly--how intelligent do you really think that makes you sound? it makes you sound like an f*ing moron. i'll leave it there.

it annoys the hell out of me when people just blow you off. when they TELL YOU they'll be somehwere or they'll call or do something and then just dont. and dont bother to explain why or get in touch to apologize. they just act like its no big thing. like it's no huge deal the entire freaking band showed up for the first real practice we've had in over a month--and then we dont practice at all. yeah, like that wasnt a waste of everyone's time. if you're going to blow someone off at least have to courtesy to TELL them you're not going to show up. that has to be my biggest pet peeve of the moment....i have to have been blown off by some ass at least 5 times in the last 2 months. dont i have lovely peers? yeah, i think not.

i just wish i could be numb. honestly....if i cant freaking make myself happy then i'd rather just not give a shit about anything because then i wouldnt hurt all the time. i wouldnt have to be in constant pain...pain i can do nothing at all to ease. i have no control and thats the thing i hate most. i'd take feeling nothing over feeling pain any day by now. 2 years of depression is enough, thank you very much. i wish this on no one.

there's so much tension here--i hate being in my house. i'm on edge all the time and so is everyone else. or thats how it feels. i cant stand to be in my own skin. i want to just escape. i want to feel free--to have this awful weight i've carried so long to just be lifted. i just want to feel like i can be myself. i can be happy--i can NOT want to scream and cry all the time. i wont want to just punch the crap out of everything all the time...i wont have all this anger inside of me. i can feel it. i can feel the anger. i sense it, its a physical thing that i notice in my body. i feel it when it gets bad...like this welling up of energy, hot, burning energy. it hurts. its agitating. i dont want to feel it anymore.

from the inside:(linkin park)

I don’t know who to trust no surprise
(Everyone feels so far away from me)
Heavy thoughts sift through dust and the lies
(Trying not to break but I’m so tired of this deceit)
(Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet)
(All I ever think about is this)
(All the tiring time between)
(And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me)

[Chorus]
Take everything from the inside and throw it all away
Cuz I swear for the last time I won’t trust myself with you

Tension is building inside steadily
(Everyone feels so far away from me)
Heavy thoughts forcing their way out of me
(Trying not to break but I’m so tired of this deceit)
(Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet)
(All I ever think about is this)
(All the tiring time between)
(And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me)

.:i wanna heal, i wanna feel what i thought was never real, i wanna let go of the pain i've felt so long:.

i miss you so much

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you

As years go by
I race the clock with you
But if you died right now
You know that I'd die to
I'd die too

You remind me of the times
When I knew who I was (I was)
But still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does

We'll make the same mistakes
I'll take the fall for you
I hope you need this now
Cause I know I still do

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you

Should I bite my tongue?
Until blood soaks my shirt
We'll never fall apart
Tell me why this hurts so much

My hands are at your throat
And [I think I hate you]
But still we'll say, "remember when"
Just like we always do
Just like we always do

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you

Yeah I'd spill my heart!!!
Yeah I'd spill my heart for you!!!

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Mistakes like friends do

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Made the same mistakes

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
Until the day I die!!

i'm just so...lost. i see you and remember how i was--how i could laugh. i remember when i was happy...i just cant seem to do it without you. what hurts most is the fact that i cant escape you, and i dont want to...but you seem to be just fine without me. am i ever going to be good enough for someone? ever? will anyone see me the way i dream of being seen? is it so hard...to be seen at all? i'm not perfect--everyone knows this...but i'm so very different from everyone else. i have so much inside of me i want to share with someone--so much to give. its just that no one i have an interest in sharing it all with has any in me. am i really so awful? to be left out in the cold for other things; to be shivered away like a cold wind. i just dont understand why i'm so alone. why i feel so alone...so incomplete. i'm broken inside and no one can fix me or even has the courage to try. i feel like my whole life is spent waiting on this miracle to happen--waiting for someone to notice me and everything that i am, good and bad. waiting to be good enough for someone to appreciate--and put first. is it too much to ask? to be someone's priority? i dont think so. i make everyone mine...i'm just not anyone else's. why is it so hard to make the effort for me? to make the time i deserve...to do little things for me, to call...to surprise me. to be brave on the rocks for me, to help me be brave. to lead me and know when to fall back beside me...to love me and show me all the time, in everything you say, and do, and are. it isnt that much to ask--at least i dont think so. i'm just so damn tired of being the one who has to sit and wait. why cant i just find someone who cares? who i can love back. who i can be everything to. who i can always make happy, even when i make him mad. to know someone adores everything about me and thinks i'm incomparable. i want to believe so badly...but i'm losing hope with each passing day, will anyone ever see me? will the person i'm meant to love ever come? i hope so...because the one i want doesnt need me anymore...and i'm so tired of hurting in vain.

i should have known

i dont believe myself. i feel like every paranoid fear i've ever had of opening up to someone has been thrown in my face. i let you in when i didnt even intend to, i let myself give a damn about you and i'm met with silence. i'm met with unanswered questions, one-sided efforts...i'm left with nothing. i thought you wanted this too, but then you just ignore me for weeks. not days, not hours...weeks. you ask me to go away with you and then casually dismiss it with your failure to follow through or get in touch with me--or make any effort at all to seem like you give a shit one way or the other. i told you what i felt and you just sat there and didnt say a word. so i'm here now...left with a feeling of absoulte lonliness. no one calls me...i have this void that you have both left behind. one i cant seem to escape, the other i cant seem to find. i cant believe i let myself be burned twice. the part i hate most is i'm still attatched. i still care. this voice in my head tells me it'll be ok--one day someone will care about me. but the sad part is i know they never will.

i am in love with a girl...and NOT a lesbian. ha

     so i'm really glad everyone liked their presents...and even more glad that kelly s my best friend. you always continue to surprise me and remind me why we became friends in the first place. you shine like the [sun] haha.

     this is the second journal i've gotten. something tells me people realize i'm one hell of an expressionist. haha..i find it funny. but it makes sense, i'm passionate about words and books and language and creating with it what i will. its liberating to be able to say, express, and create exactly what i want to when i want...it comes so naturally to me that it doesnt even phase me that other people have a difficult time of it. i couldnt even fathom that.

why is it that i still feel this way? i guess i know why--i just dont want to anymore...not if it's one sided. and for all intentive purposes it is....something unattainable thats within my reach. life's ironies....i despise them so.

.:without freedom of expression, democracy could not exist:.

glad to know my list of "i dont cares" is growing

sometimes i get confused. i cant tell whether i'm happy or just pretending so people wont stare at me like i'm about to stab myself with a nail file....i'm that good [sometimes] at being fake. isnt that scary to think about? that i fool even myself? i'm so wrapped up in making people believe i'm ok when its obvious that i'm not, i doubt even anyone believes me, although if thats true then why bother asking right? i hate when people ask me how i am. HATE it. and everyone does, all the time, everyday...like its some form of inescapable torture--hmm, lets ask the blatantly depressed and unresponsive teenager "how she is". what the HECK do you want to me say to you? becuase as sure as i'm alive i know you'd be appalled if i told you i'm sad and depressed and lonely and hurt and i hate myself. there would be this long awkward pause, then you'd smile fakely and turn and go on your way. its like the people who ask you "how you are" only ask because it makes them feel better to know they "did something" like, theyre a better person now because they acknowldged your presence and made an effort to pretend to care--you dont care...you'd shit a brick if i told you how i "really was" you ask, i reply "i'm alright" with utterly unbelieveable and terrible lack of any enthusiasm, you smile fakely, and think t yourself. good--she isnt going to die today. moving on...

i hate being asked how i am or whats wrong with me. i hate it. especially when you already know the freaking answer. god it annoys me. its not like i enjoy and relish describing my pain to people....and frankly, anyone who isnt family or like family to me has no right to ask--because it isnt any of your damn buisness.

play russian roulette as we kiss

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?

I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool
I keep playing your part
But its [not my scene]
Wont this plot not twist?
I've had enough mystery.
Keep building me up, then shooting me down
Well im already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting

Well if I was in your position
Id put down all my ammunition
I'd wondered why'd it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you
And If I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause [waiting on love ain't so easy] to do

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
No I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool, foool

its not even worth writing about what happened. all i have to say about it is that i trusted you enough to share very intimate and personal facts about my life and what i've been through and you turned around and used it against me, indirectly maybe, but hurt me none the less. i hate you for that. i never thought i'd be dissapointed in you--i never thought you'd  b r e a k  my trust.

art is stressing me out majorly right now. i have so much to finish--4 sketchbook entries and a painting by thursday. i'm going to kill myself trying to get it all done. i dont want to rush it and make it crappy but i have to. :( pray i get it done.

.:you want apologies? gril you might hold your breath until your breathing stops forever. the only thing you'll get is this curse on your lips--i hope it tastes of me forever. with every breath i wish your body would be broken again:.

we are all we have deep down--and all we can save.

this is what i need...desire...fantasize about...want more than anything--i want this kind of love.

"Oh this is what i need in love: spinning in the sun and laughing [really] hard. I need desire (and secret things) and "AHHH's" and i need to be told brave true words. I need myself. i need my  v o i c e . i need a partner who will giggle + cherish me to my bones. i need real, real, real genuiness and i need strength. i need true loving gestures + lots of drawing on the floor. i need honest dinner time talking. i need to be met  half way . i need to feel needed. i need to [surrender]--i need to be understood. i need to not be mocked when i am being real. i need true kindness and love that  g*l*o*w*s  brightly."

---> sabrina ward harrison:.

quotes i passionately relate and adore...

"there is a reason and there is a meaning...you will know in time, but time itself will choose the moment."   ...kent nerburn

"if you're not yourself, then who will be?"

"these are the days that must happen to you..."   walt whitman...

"be patient with all that is unsolved in your heart and learn to love the questions."  .rilke.

"i think what is unlived and unexpressed in love hurts the most."  sabrina ward harrison.:.

i cant explain to you how infitinitely close i feel to this woman. i dont know her, i know only the bits she is graceful enough to share with the world in her books, but i feel as if i know her intimately, as if she and i are long-time friends that have simply lost touch. maybe i feel so close to her because i feel that in many ways i am her. i have been searching and exploring this thing that has become my life for so long, trying to accept who i am and what i will always be forever. loving myself is so hard, and i pretty much suck at it--but its a journey we all must take and i feel our journeys have been down the same road....leading to the same place in time. she inspires me to create the deepest longings of my heart and to express my thoughts and fears and loves and hates to the world--to be brave on the rocks. i admire all her work and her willingness to be so open about experiences that are so deeply personal and initmate. when i read about her struggles i feel as if i have written the words myself..thats how similar we are. our thoughts and feelings seem to collide in this paralled universe where we have temporarily become one spirit longing to find meaning and purpose and acceptance in this chaotic whirlwind that is life. to live it with purpose and take risks of the soul no matter what the cost, because no matter how much it hurts..sometimes we must all  j u m p ----->

     here is to the soul that inspires mine to sing in the midst of sorrow and fear, to dance in the fog of uncertainty, to profess words of love to the person in my life who needs it most...me.

are you afraid of the dark?

there are some WEIRD phobias. straannge ones. these are mine

1. monophobia: being alone

2. coulrophobia: clowns

3. nyctophobia: dark

some weird ones:

1. Bald people- Peladophobia.

2. Bowel movements: painful- Defecaloesiophobia.

3. Kissing- Philemaphobia or Philematophobia.

4. Russians- Russophobia.

5. Long words: Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

...by the way, i'm doing a paper on phobias, i'm not just randomly checking them out. i do have some semblence of a life. normally.

these quizzes are addicting. i'm such a loser.

You Belong in Rome You're a big city girl with a small town heart
Which is why you're attracted to the romance of Rome
Strolling down picture perfect streets, cappuccino in hand
And gorgeous Italian men - could life get any better?

You are a Great Girlfriend When it comes to your guy, you're very thoughtful
But you also haven't stopped thinking of yourself
You're the perfect blend of independent and caring
You're a total catch - make sure your guy knows it too!

Your Scent is Mango Sultry, sweet, and mellow
You enjoy every moment of life!

Your Reputation Is: Mystery Girl You're the girl that everyone is trying to figure out.
Men are attracted to your intriguing persona - and women want to copy it!

You Are A Lily You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist.
People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you.
You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words.
Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

i wanna share this with you baby.

If I was ya man (baby you)
Never worry bout (what I do)
I'd be coming home (back to you)
Every night, doin' you right
You're the type of woman (deserves good thangs)
Fistful of diamonds (hand full of rings)
Baby you're a star (I just want to show you, you are)

You should let me love you
Let me be the one to give you everything you want and need
Baby good love and protection
Make me your selection
Show you the way love's supposed to be
Baby you should let me love you, love you, love you

Listen
Your true beauty's description looks so good that it hurts
You're a dime plus ninety-nine and it's a shame
Don't even know what you're worth
Everywhere you go they stop and stare
Cause you're bad and it shows
From your head to your toes, Out of control, baby you know

If I was ya man (baby you)
Never worry bout (what I do)
I'd be coming home (back to you)
Every night doin' you right
You're the type of woman (deserves good thangs)
Fistful of diamonds (hand full of rings)
Baby you're a star (I just want to show you, you are)

You should let me love you
Let me be the one to give you everything you want and need
Ooh Baby good love and protection
Make me your selection
Show you the way love's supposed to be
Baby you should let me....

You deserve better girl (you know you deserve better)
We should be together girl (baby)
With me and you it's whatever girl, hey!
[So can we make this thing ours?]

so--does anyone else think that fabulous involves driving with the windows down, no traffic, and hearing all your favorite songs when the cd player is on shuffle? ok, good--so do i.

i found this uproariously humorous:

IrishBleed4Rugby (6:42:33 PM): oh well it might be but i make it look as sexy as it is going to
KristinaMarie211 (6:43:25 PM): [ahem]
KristinaMarie211 (6:43:33 PM): sorry, i'm allergic to bullshit
IrishBleed4Rugby (6:43:43 PM): NICE :-D

 

all i want is a chance...if nothing else in my whole short life i've learned that even though it can hurt like hell--sometimes you have to  j u m p  -  -  -  -  - >

tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone

an original:.

time's cruel ticking slows with every second passing

it drags on endlessly in a series of cold, sharp clicks

i sit quietly in the corner and watch the world speed by

i dont even blink as i realize my life has become nothing.

i am the epitome of a corpse...i lack liveliness,

my feet drag beneath me like anchors released

my face has become the river bed, guiding streams down from the source

eyes are the windows of the soul they say--

my windows are frosted with sheets of tears.

i dont bother painting my face anymore...

for no one accepts my efforts at normalcy.

passing thoughts lead to recovered memories,

memories i'd kill to relive,

ones that kill me to reflect on...

the cold, dark stairwell of my life seems to be an endless spiral--

can i ever reach the top? do i even want to try?

or should i just stay here on my lonsome step...

drink in the darkness that shakes me with fear...

relish the rain the seem to escapes through the "windows"...

i may never reach the top, but i'll die trying.

.:we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up:.

--i cry out Your name, i am in need of Your mercies Jesus, despite my pride and my shame, i'm learning to need You--

*i had fun with you too, david. thanks, that made my whole day*

 

impatience and lack of control dont mix

so i have to do this sketch book entry for art...it has to be two full pages about a significant even that changed my life. i couldnt pinpoint one specific life event....so i chose a much more broad feeling. i guess i combined sadness, depression, and lonliness into one big category. i'm not sure how to continue with it--i've started it but now i'm not sure what to do next.

i hate that you didnt call. i hate that you didnt answer me. i hate that you've left me in the dark. and i hate that i've realized how miserable i am when i dont get to talk to you. and i really hate that i made the decision to avoid initiating our next conversation. i hate that i have to wait for you to come to me. i hate that. but i also know that it could turn out for the best...that maybe if i havent blown it, if i havent scared you off or pushed you too far away...just maybe i could be happy with you. we could be happy together.  i just wish it didnt take so long.

.:this is about both of us:.

and so it is just like you said it would be life goes easy one me--most of the time and so it is the shorter story no love no glory--no hero in her sky i can't take my eyes off of you i cant take my eyes off of you i cant take my eyes off of you   and so it is just like you said it should be we'll both forget the breeze--most of the time and so it is the colder water, the blower's daughter, the pupil in denial... i cant take my eyes off of you i cant take my eyes off of you i cant take my mind off of you i cant take my mind off of you i cant take my mind...til i find somebody new...

jennifer has the funnest surveys to steal when i'm bored...

A is for - Age: almost 18...feb 11...2 months til i'm legal. lordy.

B is for - Boyfriend/Girlfriend: i dont know. i'm single, but i dont know how long that will last, you'll have to ask him.
C is for - Career in Future: painter, novelist, sky diving instrcutor, window washer--hell, who knows?
D is for - Dead person you would like to meet: MawMaw
E is for - Essential item: a good cd
F is for - Favorite song at the moment: have a little faith in me :: mandy moore. so applicable to my life.
G is for - Girls you've kissed: sexually? none. but i have kissed my mommy, my aunt debbie, aunt,s grandmas, natalie... now if you want to know BOYS...um...5. i never had a lot of boyfriends.
H is for - Hometown: hmmm, let's ponder shall we? maybe jacksonville? nah....too obvious

I is for - Instruments you play: my voice is my instrument. (FYI::that was meant to sound ridiculously corny)
J is for - Job title: err....student? hormonal teenager? pick your poison
K is for - Kicks Ass: this is a bit inappropriate. not really...err...many things kick ass. cotton candy, making out, and driving down the highway with the windows down have to be in my top five though.
L is for - Living places: in my house? in a dream world...a house on the ocean in greece or italy
M is for - Most memorable moment of today: seeing the cute guy at winn dixie twice.

N is for - Number of people you've slept with: er..in an "i had sex with them way" none, in a "we slept in the same bed way" many. girls always sleep in the same bed when they spend the night. unlike weird boys.
O is for - Overnight hospital stays: zero. unless being born counts. i doubt it does.

P is for - Phobias: roaches, claurophobia, public speaking, the dark, being kidnapped
Q is for - Quote you like: no quote...favorite song lyrics of all time :: I'll be--Edwin MCcain

R is for - Relationship that lasted the longest: consecutively? 4 months. altogether? around 9 or 10
S is for - Sexuality: i am a female seeking ridiculously handsome, intelligent, romantic, and thought provoking men. sorry ladies.
T is for - Time you wake up everyday: 7 on schooldays, btwn 9-11 wknds.
U is for - Unique trait(s): i'm artistic, i can write, i can sing, apparently i'm a good kisser....etc
V is for - Vegetable you love: i'd say potatoes but those are more of a root than an actual "veggie" so i'll go with...damn. i dont know....next question.
W is for - Worst habit: leaving the lights on all over the house, leaving my music on when i'm not in my room or even in my house, expecting the worst in most possible situations. [oh yeah--i like swearing...a lot.]
X is for - X-rays you've had: teeth, left elbow...that's probably it.
Y is for - Yummy food you make: chili...won a prize for it. so there.  and i like baking. mmm.....

Z is for - Zodiac sign: aquarius

a little late but oh well

it was a nice surprise to see you called today. i feel like some weight has been lifted. a worry, or anxiety, has been erased and hopefully it can stay that way now. but it was really lovely to talk to you the other day. i missed you all this time. your words comforted me. i know you have an idea of how i feel and knowing you're taking the time to reassure me makes me smile. [we've been through hell together]

watching for pirate ships was fun. more fun than i expected. :) i swear that star did not blink from white, to red, to blue. you're insane. it was white the whole time--blinking yes...changing colors, no. i think you were just intoxicated by me. ;) i think it was two-sided. fallout boy is certainly amazing. and you're right...i could listen to it forever and never ever get sick of it. i never knew standing outside in the cold could be so fascinating.

come me sing sunday at 8:15. it could be the last time for a while.

i'm gunna love you more than anyone. i'm gunna hold you closer than before. and when i kiss your soul your body be free-i'll be free for you anytime. i'm gunna love you more than anyone.

wouldnt it be nice to hear that and know someone means it?

good god i'm bored.

results of too many online tests proving i have a severe lack of life:

***The Keys to Your Heart***

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.(thats a negative dude)

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
http://www.blogthings.com/keystoyourheartquiz/

***Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover***

(funny, although completel inaccurate)
You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you!
Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter.
You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you.

You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable
Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life
By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover.

Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives.
Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours.
No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?
http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofseducerareyouquiz/

***Your Birthdate: February 11***

(all very true)
Spiritual and thoughtful, you tend to take a step back from the world.
You're very sensitive to what's going on around you, yet you remain calm.
Although you are brilliant, it may take you a while to find your niche.
Your creativity is supreme, but it sometimes makes it hard for you to get things done.

***Your Personality Is***

Idealist (NF)

You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.
You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.

You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.
Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.

You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.
Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.

In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. (my downfall as a human)

At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.

With others, you communicate well. (with close friends yes, aquaintances not so regularly)You can spend all night talking with someone.

As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.

On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test
http://www.blogthings.com/threequestionpersonalitytest/

when will it be ok

i cant even stay at church for more than 10 m inutes. i am absolutely pitiful. completely pathetic. i cant be around you. period. i cant handle it. i cant handle knowing you might be able to say how you feel to other people--but you wont fucking tell me. you cant talk to me. after a year. i wasted a whole year. and you cant even talk to me. and i cant be near you without breaking down. we are the two most ridiculous people on the planet. i hate that i cant get over this. i hate that i cant make myself be happy. i hate that you do this to me. and i hate myself for ever believing i could make it work.   and i really HATE that i cant freaking save this damn thing o my own computer too.

i'm tired. i miss you and i dont even know how you feel about all this. i never know how you feel about anything. you never tell me what you feel. ever. i dont know if you're hurt too or if you try not to think about it or if you arent even upset about it...if this makes you happy. i'm not entirely sure i want to know what you feel, but knowing something would at least bring me into the light. all i know is you had the time, i just wasnt worth it. you had the time, you just never took the time to see what you were walking away from...

my smile is an open wound without you--but at least you made me smile

so this weekend was successfully the worst weekend of my life. hands down. no questions asked. it blew. (not quite the same affect as "blows" but how effective can the past tense really be?) i worry myself.  i'm scared. i'm scared of what will happen if i cant find a way to heal--if i cant find happiness somewhere.  clinical depression is such a scary term...i dont want that tagged onto my identity...i dont want people to see me that way. i dont want to end up there. i feel like i'm so close sometimes. i just cry for no reason--well, i have reasons, but it will be just random i guess. i'm sad a lot. in a deep sense i'm always sad--but more often than not i can at least fake a smile and make people think i'm ok. we wrote nice things about each other on these cards at church a few weeks ago--someone told me i was always happy. i wanted to laugh out loud. but it made me feel better--in a weird, twisted way--that i was so good at fooling people. i dont want to fake joy--i want to feel joy.

i must say though that today was better than i expected.  i knew i was getting mail--but you surprised me again. we all know about the insane graves dvd library....and most everyone knows that we dont own any rated R movies--just how its always been.  haha--i bought Crash a few weeks ago, it isnt allowed in the cabinet. how racist. anywho...so i recieved Double Jeopardy which i really liked and wanted to buy....but it's an edited "clean" dvd. so, even though it isnt the "real deal" i dont care...its the same story. it just made my day to know you remembered that i mentioned it and thought about it--it seems you always do little things like that to make me smile. so thanks.

.:the strands in your eyes that color them wonderful stop me and steal my breath:.

is anyone out there?

i think its so cool that i just looked myself up online....that anyone can find me and read about me and get to know me. i mean unless your a creepy rapist---thats where i draw the line. but its so weird to me that some of the people you know best you rarely see or verbally speak to...you can just talk and write and learn about them by how they form words and sentences and what they say and how they describe things. writing is so underrated.  its beautiful to hear, or read, someone describe something simple using beautiful words--just look at walt whitman. he fascinates me.

is there anyoe out there who reads this and doesnt know me? that would be interesting to find out. i'd love to see a response if  there is, but my friends dont really even comment much so i wont hold my breath.

constant reminders

this weekend turned out to be better than once previously excpected. isnt it nice when that happens? heh--that was funny....you know what i'm talking about :)

i found this shirt at american eagle yesterday...it says "let your soul shine" it was irionic because i got a few emails the day before from friends and when i replied to them, i ended them both with [you'll shine]  i guess thats my new cheer up and stop being so gosh danged depressed. who knows if it'll work or not...i'm trying to be more positive. so far so good--but its only been like....24-ish hours.

i just want to take the opportunity to tell everyone how much i adore my parents. most kids arent very close, or even on speaking terms, with their parents which i dont understand. i'd die without them. they do everything in the world for me and always want me to be happy. they just pretty much rock and i love them.

its so hard to be your own person in our generation. i've heard a lot of people say there isnt any peer pressure....but i think theres even pressure to say that. i mean, subtle as it may feel...its everywhere. how many times do you hear or see people making fun of/being made fun of for not fitting in for whatever reason? all the time, everyday. i try not to let other people's ideas on how to live affect what i do, and for the most part i think i'm prety good at doing what i want and avoiding what i dont. i just think its so important for, if for no other reason, be confident inyour decisions and not rely on the "cool" perception thats out there in our society. its all instant graitification and personal pleasure over all else...i dont think its healthy. why else are there more obese kids now than ever before? gluttony....and it isnt even necessarily their fault...one order of anything at a restaurant is alomst always enough to feed two--its such a waste of food to give people tiwce what they need when you know less than half those people eat their left-overs...

anyway..off that tangent. i have become quite idstracted in that last 15 minutes.  i think the only other thing i had to say was that i applied to SCAD. exciting.

make your soul shine*

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no.
I needed you today
So where did you go?
You told me to call
Said you'd be there
And though I haven't seen you
Are you still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

And though I cannot see you
And I can't explain why
Such a deep reassurance
You've placed in my life.
We cannot separate
'Cause you're part of me.
And though you're invisible
I'll trust the unseen.

its never good enough

i'm more than frusterated. the emotions you have to pick from are sparse...completely inadequate. i'm angry, frusterated, sad, depressed, lonely, confused, anxious, furious, i wanna break things, hit something, slam doors, scream, cry, rip things up....anything to get the rage out. i'm sick of it. i'm angry all the time and i dont really know what precisely i'm angry at. i mean in a general sense i hate myself, i am never good enough for anyone, i suck at life, i'm not needed (which i need more than anything), i snap at people, people are rude to me....i'm angry at God for ignoring me, i hate myself for saying God ignores me because in my gut i know how much He loves me, i'm tired of feeling alone. i have such an overwhelming fury about me all the time. it never ends. it is less severe in some cases but its always there. and when it blooms in all its red-tinged, jagged-edged glory it burns everything in its path. uncontrollable it is. i dont know how to get it out and keep it out. i want peace, i want to be still. i want a quiet and content spirit. all i have now is this tornado of negative emotions hurtling through and destroying everything i touch.

i just want to get it out.

i just called to say i love you

thats all i wanted to do, i didnt even think you were gunna answer, i was just going to leave a message...but i get a "i have someone on the other line, what do you want?" i want you go give a flying f*ck...thats what i want.

we've been through hell together

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
Have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try baby and
Have a little faith, faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here baby, [from a whisper start]
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you, you will see
I will catch your, I will catch your fall just
Have a little faith, faith in me

-I've been loving you for such a long, long time-
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
Cuz for us [there is no end]
All you gotta do is have a little faith in me

I will hold you up, I will hold you up and
Your love gives me strength enough to
Have a little faith in me
Oh faith, darlin'

i've been finding a lot of comfort, or relevance even, in the music i've heard recently. this song especially reassures me right now. i dont think it was went spiritually...but--it speaks to me. you know, you hear or read something and it just instantaneously resonates with you? it hit me.

i was reading wrestling with god today by [rick diamond] and there was a line that stuck out to me. 

"...what i want is to find something to believe in that isnt true because someone told me so, but that i can sense is true, down in my bones."

thats what i want.  thats what my whole spiritual search/crisis/questioning has been all about. i know God loves me and He's up in heaven and if i love Him i get a ticket to heaven. big whoop. everybody who goes to church knows that. i think so many of us know this piece of information and process it like a factoid to be stored in the memory banks. "God made me, He loves me, I go to heaven if i love Him back....check" but thats so not how God wants us to view Him. He isnt this far-off idea or being in the cosmos with a bulletin board with a roadmap of every human's life on it. He loves us so much. not He made us and thinks we're fun to play with and watch run into each other...not "cool" because we are entertaining...He is passionately, desperately, uncontrollably, devotedly in love with every single person on this earth. and i think thats a point lots of people miss. Christianity shouldnt be this huge list of rules...Dont do this and avoid this, and dont exceed this....blah blah blah...THEN Jesus will love you. NO  that isnt how it is. He created us so we could live and experience joy and beauty and happiness and love.  evil is a byproduct of the Fall. it wasnt intended, but with evil comes good. focus on the good.

 i think that is what i've been searching for--a deep and real understanding of what i have been taught. becuase what i learned at church is so far from how Jesus is and was and will always be. He loved whores and drug addicts and homeless drunks. He hated the religious people of His day becuase they weren't living His word and His way. they twisted the laws God gave them and misinterpreted His teachings. they were pompous and rude. They didnt love. they tell you to love everyone in sunday school, and then as you get older you realize how little love there is in the world. no one loves anyone anymore. the gays, and the prostitues, and the drug dealers, and the murderers, and the kids who beat up other little kids....God loves them and He commands, not asks, commands that we love them as He does. its hard to overcome a prejudice you've been raised with...but hating someone for no reason other than the ludicrous one you or someone you know has concocted doesnt make them a bad person. its hard to love, but wouldnt we all be happier if we did? do you think there would be so many kids killing themselves if they felt like someone actually gave a shit whether they were alive or not? if someone reached out and just spoke to them. or smiled at them.

i walked by at least 10 people when i walked to my car after church on Sunday, and i smiled at every single one and not a single person even looked at me. they saw me from a distance then when we passed they suddenly were fascinated with the cement or a tropical pigeon flying by must have caught their attention...yeah right. people cant even SMILE at each other anymore. that really bothered me.

i guess the whole point of my rant is that i think the central message most Christians miss is to love. its so simple and yet so unattainable for some.

[leave someone some love today.]

my pen is the barrel of a gun, remind me which side you should be on

And if I could move I'm sure it would only be to crawl back to
you
I must have dragged my guts a block... they were gone by the
time we (talked)...

I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
But you know that I could crush you with my voice

Stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me
Hide the details I don't want to know a thing

I hate the way you say my name like it's something secret
My pen is the barrel of the gun. Remind me which side you should
be on

I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel.

my heart is on my sleeve
wear it like a bruise or blackeye
my badge, my witness
that means that i believed
every single lie you said (and learned from the best)

and every little pat on the shoulder for attention fails to
mention i still hate you

you want apologies
girl, you might hold your breath
until your breathing stops forever, forever
the only thing you'll get
is this curse on your lips:
i hope they taste of me forever

with every breath i wish your body will be broken again


i refuse to be walked all over anymore. i'm sick of being taken advantage of and sick of being treated second rate because you know i'll always be there to take you back. you treat me like a door-mat and i'm done being stomped on. i do everythingi can to make this work and all you do is make excuses for yourself and try to send me on the guilt trip from hell. not gunna fly anymore. acknowledging a problem comes with the responsibility to correct it. you have one and not the other. what bugs me most is that you know what you're doing and dont really give a shit. you just shrug it off because, "thats how you are and you cant help it" and that isnt good enough. if i was important you would do everything you could to help me fix things and you havent. thats what hurts. you brush me aside for others, you make excuses, and you basically just wont own up to anything.

[i'm so over being invisible to you]

 

i'll take a side-order of guilt please

if anyone else has been wronged by me in any way, please--i'd be delighted to hear more about it. i havent had enough people mad at me this week yet--i havent quite filled my quota. so, from the bottom of my f-ing heart...i'd love to hear how i've made you're life a misery.

and if anyone would like to help my by making a donation to the "kristina-needs-to-let-out-her-frusterations-therefore-she-intends-to-buy-a-punching-bag-and-various-masks-to-help-her-envision-the-people-she-wants-to-smack-upside-the-head" fund, please let me know. [this is not a test]

sadly, the person i most want to lay it on is myself.

an original:.

i wanna run til i can't feel the earth beneath my feet

i wanna scream til i feel my heart skip a beat

i wanna cry til i feel the sobs with only dry eyes

i wanna let it out, but i can't make myself say goodbye

 

i wanna write til my soul flows free

i wanna lay in the grass, and sigh, and just be

i wanna paint a picture worth a two thousand words

i wanna see your face and know i'm yours

 

 

crash into me

.:It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something:.

--crash

i think maybe he's right. things are so impersonal in the world today. for some thats a huge generalization, and for me it is somewhat--i mean i can still pull into our street and have people wave at me, but most people dont have that. people dont talk to each other anymore....i mean really talk.  people dont like to help other people--they see wrong-doing and stand in the shadows watching and dont so anything because they dont want to get involved. its human nature to face fear--but isnt it sad that fear is an everyday battle for some people? i see someone on the side of the road who needs a ride and i always want to help...but it isnt safe, especially for a young teenage girl, to pick up a man on the side of the street. you shouldnt have to wonder if you're risking your life when you help someone.

judgement haunts all of us. most of us cant look at a homeless person and see them just as a person who needs help...we see them as dirty, smelly, drunks who are too lazy to get a job and help themselves. why not give a homeless guy a buck or two or hell--even 10 or 20 if you have it? sure, he could go buy beer or drugs or whatever else you may assume he'll use it for...but what if he just wants to walk into a store and buy some food with a little dignity. maybe he wants to get a toothbrush or a bar of soap.  sure, offering to buy a homeless person food is charitable...but you need things toher than food to survive. how is a a guy who's lived on the streets for a year with no home, no clothes besides what he's got on and no way to clean himself up ever expected to be hired? he wont be, and you know that its true. would you hire anyone looking like that? the honest answer is "no" but if you want to lie to yourself so you dont feel like a jerk you can say "yes"  it just annoys the hell out of me that people wont just help other people, no strings attatched. why do you need to be reassured they wont go buy alcohol....it's their choice. you have money and they dont, you have more than you need and they dont. give them the 3 bucks stuffed in your wallet and move on with your life. they'll be grateful no matter what they spend it on.

i would really reccommend crash to everyone.  but i guess its only fair to warn you that there are definitely some vulgar scenes.....the f*bomb is a favorite word. they only use it about once every other word. i dont like it but the message of the movie, the whole point they try to get across, this idea that people need to learn to need other people....its awesome. its worth it.

.:it's too hard living, but i'm afraid to die. cuz i dont know whats up there beyond the sky. it's been a long time...long time commin but i know a change is gunna come:.

--gavin [degraw]

let it out

i have a deep and penetrating desire to write at this very moment. i dont even know precisely what i want to say. but i feel its time to let it out.

i've made a mistake. it isnt even the mistake i regret so much as it is the whole hurting someone else aspect. and technically, nothing i did was "wrong" or "immoral"--it just didnt make someone else feel very good. i had no idea what was going to happen. i had no idea things would work out the way they did, and i let you know exactly how i felt and what i thought every step of the way the very moment something happened. so what i said to you had no alterior motive--it was simply that thats how ifelt, and still feel. i'd be angry if i were you too, well--hurt. but i cant do anything about it now. there is only one thing i hate more than being hurt. hurting others.

on a lighter note: most things in my life are going well. i'm glad we worked things out, and i really feel its for the best. i'm happy with you, and unhappy without you. its elementary really. if i could apply the same thinking to how distant i feel from the Big Guy right now then that would be phenominal. it isnt a matter of Him not being there...i know He is. i just can't feel Him. it's like...i dont understand why all this had to happen to me. and not even all of it happened to me per say, but i was affected. i mean, the past year and a half has been the worst of my entire life thus far. more has happened in the last 16 months or so than i care to revisit here. death has plauged the people i love. i've been depressed almost every day. it just hasnt been happy. and i guess what i'm frusterated about is the fac tthat i dont think i deserve to feel this way. i dont think i did anything to equate the past 16 months. everyone sins, myself most undoubtedly included, but nothing substantial enough to credit this.

i feel like i never do enough. i dont read the Bible enough, i dont pray enough, i'm not happy enough, i'm not friendly enough, i'm not "there" enough for others, i dont contirbute enough, i dont give enough, i dont love enough, i dont try hard enough...i, in essence, am not enough. when i do get completely overwhelmed and finally pray, not "Dear God: thanks for today and this food and bla bla bla", but pray from deep down and talk to God about my pain and my hurt and all that i feel, i dont ever feel like He hears me. i say all these things and i dont feel as if anything has been done to fix it. He's still way up there and i'm still way down here. i never get a whole lot out of that whole being silent and listening to God thing. i guess i dont listen hard enough--but that would also tie into my whole your a piece of worthless crap mentality which i dont believe to be healthy or true. [by true i mean it plagues me yes, but i know that isnt how i truly am nor how the world perceives me] i'm really responsive. i like to send letters, talk, debate, argue...whatever you want to call it. i like interaction. and i dont feel God interacting. i am also a "doer"  anyone who knows me knows that about me. if i dont like something, i say i dont like it. if something isnt right, i fix it. if someone is hurt, i want to help them. if someone needs me, i will always do everything in my power to help them. i like control. and the one thing about all of this mess is this: i have no control. God has control. i hate that, and i dont mean any disrespect, i just hate not being able to fix this alone. i may be an active helper but i hate being dependent on other people on the flip side. just ask philip--he's the one who pointed it out to me. i have to rely on God and trust Him and know He'll always be up there sitting under the umbrella of His beach chair sipping a Coke, nectar of the gods, and all the while making sure my life--along with the rest of humanity's--is going how it should. for the record, in heaven, Coke is not acid to your intestines. it is equally as healthy as water. so--even if it kills me here...i can swim in it if i want to and i'll be fine in heaven. that is good.

[i'd like to just say that i appreciate anyone who reads this. i appreciate you because this journal contains nothing of consequence--it wont help you pass high school and it wont solve any of life's problems. but you read it anyway because there, to you, must be something of interest in it. which would mean i have something interesting to say. and knowing someone is interested in my thoughts, which is exactly what this journal is--just all the junk swirling around in my gray matter--is nice to know and reminds me someone thinks i have something valuable to contribute. so thanks]

how can you take this abuse from me?

so after talking with natalie today, i have a more complete understanding of true friendship.  i'm so sorry i wasn't there when you called, i wish i could have been there for you.  i love you. 

it really makes me angry when i think about my friends. that sounds so backwards i'm sure to most people...but it just annoys me.  i guess giving you my reason as to why qould be helpful in making some of you understand. most of the time, most of my friends aren't there for me.  caroline, natalie, mitchell, and philip, and bryan are the only people who i know i can always count on no matter what. (besides family) it doesnt matter what happens because i know they will drop everything and talk to me and help me and will come get me if i ever got stranded anywhere with shitty drunk slut friends who dont care about anyone than themselves. the follow through, always. they dont say one thing and do another--they are solid...what i mean to say is that they are consistent. i know i can count on them to actually follow through on a lunch date or on plans we make.  they wont not answer my calls and leave me questioning why they never got back in touch with me for days at a time.

it pretty much sucks when you cant count on your best friend to be there or to follow through on anything they say. thats sad--when you expect a person to always be late, to always have an excuse, to always cancel plans, and to never answer the phone. thats not how friends should perceive each other. i'm sure you had a plausible reason for all this--i'll wait until i hear it i guess. theres nothing else i can do.

it also makes me really angry to know all the things my friends do.  school friends. i mean--get drunk, act stupid, do whatever you want.  i cant stop you, i dont agree with it but do what you will--its your life.  i dont understand your fixation with it, when half of you throw up 2 or 3 times a night on the weekend because you're so drunk you cant even hold your alcohol in anymore...i guess thats something worth laughing about.  and i guess its sort of funny when you talk about what you did over the weekend, and the only way you even remember what happened is through pictures you took of things while you were trashed. thats how i want to live my life--totally relying on photographs and not my memory to remind me of how i spent my adolescent life.  i guess i just dont know what cool is.  its not like i haveanything against alcohol--i'll be all for it when i'm legal.  it isnt like i've never had it either....we have plenty of it.  but i dont see the exciment in the whole binge drinking-barfing-passing out scene.  that doesnt whip me into an intoxicated frenzy. maybe thats just me. i feel bad for you. i'd love to hang out with you guys for a night and video tape how stupid you act. then maybe you'd see. then again--you probably wouldnt.  its sad when the only time your friends are sober is when they hang out with you. i guess thats good, but twisted.

 .:life seems a little warmer when you're standing next to me. and if you were a little taller or i was a little smaller then you'd block the wind entirely. life's just a bit more funny when i'm poking fun at you. cuz you tripped when you were running, and if my jokes were truly funny then you might share in the laughter too. i dont want you to make this into somehting it is not, but....i am alone. you are alone. we are alone. let's be alone together:.

and suddenly the weight was lifted off her chest, and she took her first free breath with gratitude

.:this is the start of something good, dont you agree? i havent felt like this in so many moons--you know what i mean? so, if you want to be with me, you'll have to follow through with every word you say. and i, all i really want is for you to stick around, i'll see you everyday...but you have to follow through:.

i was sure i was right before--then i had to live for the next 4 days. it was not a "right" feeling. just a lonely, sad, miserable gut feeling that i made a mistake; not something new and different to me.  i'm not myself alone. i'm not how i want to be when i dont have you around--i dont laugh, i dont smile, i dont feel good about myself...i feel like that loser no one wants to be around. i dont particuarly enjoy that...go figure.  you make me happy.  you make me feel special, because i know i am to you--thats all that really matters to me.  no one looks at me the way you do...and no one makes me giggle like a kid all the way home when i see you either. only you. i dont want that to change, and i'm glad it wont. basically--i feel like a pretty hot plate of you know what when i'm with you because i know you adore me, and that makes me adore you more than ever.

[we're better together]

favorite damien rice

Nothing unusual, nothing's changed
Just a little older that's all
You know when you've found it,
There's something I've learned
'Cause you feel it when they take it away

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
Still I can't SAY what's going on

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on

 

I wanna hear what you have to say about me
Hear if you're gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
I remember december
And I wanna hear what you have to say about me
Hear if you're gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
What the hell do you want?

i wish i knew.

be brave

i am in utter awe.  i just read brave on the rocks  by sabrina ward harrison.  it's magical.  i cant describe it to you, go to sabrinawardharrison.com to see excerpts from it.  she is a fantasticly original and expressive artist and her work is thrilling to me.  i adore every bit of it....it's complex and real and emotional and true.  it makes me stop and seriously think about where i want to go in life and what i want to do with what bit of talent i posess.  who do i want to be? how can i heal? we all know i'm not in a good place. in a wrong spot. hurting. i want to heal. to be able to express what i feel in that way. to create freely and tocreate from my heart and know that it's true and right and beautiful. to feel beautiful and to feel joy when i look at what i've done.  do know that what i am is perfect because what i am has never been nor ever will be again. that i am unique and wonderful and poetic and graceful and full up with love and life and happiness. i want to heal. to feel like i can do anything, like i'm good enough, like i can fly. i want to cry tears of joy, not sorrow. sing of peace and contentment that i find in life. i want to explore and travel and discover who i am and find myself. be full up with myself.

i want to live. heal. feel.

I remember it well, the first time i saw your head round the door cuz mine stopped working

it's all mixed up, lost in the haze.  i thought this was over, i thought i'd lost.  you'll never understand what it feels like to have you.  there arent words to tell you, no voice to say what needs to be uttered. i dont undertsand everything--its all so confusing.  this mask that we hide behind--the bubble we huddle in.  it's all been revealed.

i guess He's there afterall

its been a pretty horrendous few weeks. brookie and philip made the weekend better but beyond that my head has pretty much been filled with a bunch of crap. i just feel terrible. i've been depressed and sad and i'm getting sick so i feel lethargic and tired all the time. my eyes are puffy form my sinuses and from crying. its just not an enjoyable way to roam the earth. it's bad when people you've never even spoken to ask you if you're having a bad day, "it's funny how you can just tell with some people" she says. funny would not be what i would deem it but, i know what she meant.

so i get to aerobics...which definitely was not making me any more optimistic...but i open my locker up and pull out my t-shirt and shoes, and as  i set the shirt on the table, a gold coin fell out.  i definitely never had a gold coin ever, much less did i put it in my locker, so i had, and i guess, have, no idea where it came from. but on each side of the coin there's an angel on a cloud engraved. and angel. and i think to myself, "that's a mighty ironic thing to have on a mysterious gold coin when i feel as sad as i do". and it is. it's very strange. i stuffed it in my pocket and basically forgot about it until just now. but as i look into her face--mind you it's rather small--i feel like she knows. she's here in my pocket for a reason. i dont know where she came from , but i know she's here because i need her. God put her in my path to comfort me. he wants me to know He's still there. that's a nicer thought than it just got mixed up in my stuff. You've done it again Man...

 

.:be still and know that i am God:.

          psalm 46:10

if anyone cand find Yellow Box sandals, i'll love them forever.  Gold. Singer style. 7 1/2. i've been searching all day

i adore them.

everything else i have to say is sad so i'll relieve you of it.

too real

How can I just let you walk away
Let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, oooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cause we share the laughter and the pain, we even shared the tears
But you're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now, there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that what I've to face

I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see my cry
There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all


So take a look at me now, there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now, there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, well that's all I can do
And that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me know
Cause I'll just be standing here
And you coming back to me
Is against all odds and that's a chance I got to take
Take a good look at me know.

 

-against all odds, gavin degraw

put up your dukes, let's get down to it

Life, its crazy how some things never work out,
But I'm hoping that this time goes right,
Cause I've tried so hard
to keep you hanging on this life,
But you always have to try and  f i g h t

Time, it's gone so fast, all it took was one night back,
to crash it all into the ground,
Now two gone deep in a predictable last scene,
I never thought it'd be you and me
So what do we do?
I tell you I'm afraid just like you,
but by the time we're done thinking it's gone,
So don't waste your life,
just look at me and remember the time,
the time my angel came to stay
Take me away.

but I just want to wake up from this dream

i'm so sick of it. i'm angry all the time and i dont know why. i hate people. everyone annoys me. i think things about people that i cant even imagine entering my head. i'm never happy....sure i can laugh and make jokes but i havent been satisfied with who i am or what i stand for or how my life is or how i treat people or how i allow people to treat me in over a year.

i want to be happy and i'm not. i want to sit back in a rocking chair and mentally recap my whole life and say that i'm proud of what i've done and i'm content with who i am. right now that is nothing but a mere fantasy.

i hate feeling this way. and to be quite frank, i hate the way you've been acting. something is definitely not jiving correctly and you wont tell me what it is. i need to know whats up and why you've been acting so odd. it isnt just affecting you anymore, it affects us now. for everythingi  say you have a smart ass reply, an unnecesary remark...rudeness honestly. i feel like the closer i try to get to you, the farther you push me away. i dont know how to fix this. i feel so distant from you. and it physically hurts me to miss you. i hate that. i dont want to miss you this way. i dont want to feel so down all the time. i dont want to be excited to see you only tobe dissapointed by your behavior. i ache for you and it wont go away. now things will be harder to sort out too. i dont know what to do. i feel like giving up--and i would too if you didnt mean so damn much to me. life is so unfair.

i hate the fact that you make me cry

i feel like you've been so distant, like you havent been there recently. i need you. i need you so much and i dont think you realize how important you are to me; not having you here kills me. i cry and i tell how i feel and you have no response. before i was always afraid i'd hurt you--that you'd end up caring more about me than i did about you. thats all different now. i feel like the more i open myself up to you, the less you seem to be there. i love you and i miss you and it hurts me that you cant talk to me, it kills me that you hurt and i dont know why and i cant make it better. i just want things to be better.....

the mind is a troubling place

dont you hate those days when you're going along fine, mindning your own buisness, feeling neither ecstatic nor depressed and all of a sudden, BAM! something happens to wash the neutral feeling away? so do i, especially when that BAM! happens to be something smacking against my skull with a sharp crack. i also find it amazing that people assume just because you're quiet and dont have a lot to say that you are automatically categorized as incapable of any thought, emotion, or hearing ability whatsoever. i just love listening to what people are saying about you when they dont think you can hear them--when they're less than 36 inches away. such a shining example of the human intellect, is it not?

another thing that baffles the mind is that reading is to a majority of the adolescent population an unheard of, unspeakable evil in which no one should partake. often times passersby halt and oggle at said reader and stare for minutes. one would assume they are trying to rationalize what implication someone reading will mean for them. will people see this insane imposter of a teenager and expect them to pick up a leather bound volume and digest its contents? it truly is amazing, and at times horrifyingly irritating, to be stared down while trying to ingest some outer knowledge. or even just seperate yourself from the mindless banter of the self-absorbed clones that are rich high school burn-outs.

and by the way, picking a fight with a black girl that out-weighs you by at least 100 pounds is the dumbest idea ever. and fighting in front of 200 people about who said and did what makes you 1. look like an idiot 2. even more annoying than previously assessed. 3. just as ridiculous as you say they are for stooping to their level and screaming about it infront of an audience. you just want attention, thats the only reason you cant shut your flapping damn mouth.

and...no one gives a damn about your expensive norwegian or swedish or danish wherever the hell its from water that you got for free. sorry.

i feel better now, and i hope everyone has a lovely, radiant afternoon. sorry if my usage of more extravagant vernacular confuses you. i get a bit wordy when i'm in a mood of less than sunshining proportions.

sorry for the delay

man oh man...i've been such a journal bum. deepest apologies to my loyal readers, if any still exist.

it's been a busy few weeks.  ROCK the UNIVERSE was awesome which is to be expected. did the heart walk downtown saturday morning. Midnight club was pretty sweet friday night. the gators kicked tennessee's bootay saturday. (was there any doubt? i think not) kelly and i ate more food than i thought humanly feasible this weekend. no sleep. good times.

natalie will be 18 this friday which is awesome. my little baby is growing up so fast! (i cant believe! you're a senior haha)  i'm painting her something lovely for this fine occasion...well--upon completion i hope it to be lovely. and i hope she likes it--i'm a bit apprehensive

i'm really enjoying art class a lot.  i have to say i'm not half bad at it and its really nice to have that awesome relax chill time to think and just make somehting cool. mrs holechek is so laid back and unique--shes a beautiful person.  i wish i could say the same for another teacher that i just love so much...lordy--we wont even venture into the cataclismic repartee that is Coach.

so, i'm this whole president of the youth group thing should prove to be interesting. i dont know what it's going to entail beyond having to talk in youth services which i am desperately loathing. but, beyond that i think it'll be a cool way to hopefully get more people active and interested in the youth group.  it's such a special thing to me and i want everyone to at least be open to the idea that its so much more than just that church thing on sunday nights.

by the way, Urban Heat hip-hop aerobic videos are the coolest way to get in shape ever. if you're a female look-alike of Michael Jackson and you live in the early 1990s.

.:"Forney, if you feed a cow chocolate, do you get chocolate milk?" "Yep, and if you spin it real fast, you get whipped cream!" "Wow, you know a lot!" "That's why I work in a library.":.

-where the heart is, [americus and forney]

every moment is worth the time

the strands in your eyes that color them  w o n d e r f u l

stop me and steal my breath

emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky

[never revealing their depth]

tell me that we belong together

dress it up with the trappings of love

i'll be captivated, i'll hang from your lips

instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

i'll be your cryin shoulder

i'll be love's suicide

i'll be better when i'm older

i'll be the greatest fan of your life

rain falls angry on the tin roof as we lie awake in my bed

you're my survival, you're my living proof

my love is  a l i v e  and not -dead-

 

that is indeed my favorite song of all time. the words are beautiful. it has such soul, such purpose. it describes how love should be, and how i feel. i've heard the song and listened to or read the words a thousand times, and every time i am just amazed. it never ceases to thrill me.

i'm sorry about how things turned out. it was bad timing and personally i believe a bad decision on their part--you deserve better and you'll get it someday. they just need to see what they had right in front of them. i guess it's a lesson to all of us: fight for your dreams

.:i'll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it:.

there arent words

i just wrote a whole entry. i dont know why it didnt get saved. i dont feel like re-living that so just know it was good

everyone should have a mantra

be still and know that i am god

psalm 46:10

this is my mantra for the school year. senior year is not some hugely pivotal thing for me, but it will have its own quirks.  there will be plenty of downs, and hopefully more ups.  but this verse is what i consider to be the ideal reminder of God's grace. you cant understand it, you cant know what his purpose entails, but just knowing you'll be taken care of is such a beautiful thing to remember.

cold cold water surrounds me now
and all i've got is your hand
lord can you hear me now?
or am i lost?
no one's daughter allow me that
and I can't let go of your hand
l o r d ,   c a n   y o u   h e a r   m e   n o w ?
or am i lost?
[don’t you know i love you]
and I always have
hallelujah
will you come with me?
cold cold water surrounds me now
and all i've got is your hand
lord.. can you hear me?
or am i lost?

i can't take my eyes off of you

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little harder to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can’t say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, i know it's for real. no one has ever made me laugh, smile, get chills, giggle like a kid, made me feel this beautiful, made me so happy ever. we just have fun and i love you.

new art

the latest of my works...

1. oil on canvas

2. graphite on paper--Natalie Wood

 

enjoy.

then she kissed him back, giving him everything, and the voice in his head said THIS ONE

i dont have much to say.

i did another painting over the weekend. i thouroughly enjoy this one--this one's good. if i can get the picture i took of it, i'll put it on here.

my senior quite is: "I like to be a free spirit. Some don't like that, but that's just how I am." princess diana

i think it fits.

.:Beauty, to me, is about being comfortable in your own skin. That, or a kick-ass red lipstick:.

--gwenyth paltrow

i never knew i had it in me

when certain things in your life hit a bump in the road, you realize how lucky you are to have them at all. here's to all the bumps ahead...it's worth it if you're with me.

i sketched a woman the other day in my new sketchbook for art portfolio. i have to admit, i never, ever thought i could draw squat. i didnt go into it expecting much. i was wrong. i mean, i did use a scale to help proportion everything so it doesnt count as much...but it's still pretty damn good if you ask me. or my momma and daddy. i started Ms. Hepburn last night as well...it'sot as spectacular, but she's comming along.

i dont have much to say, but i feel the need to let you in on the small daily endeavirs if my life--i suppose that is the reason i write. until tomorrow...

.:there are certain shades of limelight that can wreck a girl's complexion:.

breakfast at tiffany's

maybe i wont die afterall

so, maybe school wont be as wretched as i thought. which is good. i keep seeing carl around school and he looks really upset, which makes me sad because we were friends last year...and we wont get a chance to talk probably at all now. hm. but everything else is fine...it looks like it'll be a smooth-sailing year....no real tough classes. my biggest troubles will probably be english (doubtful) and gov't. psychology too--i didnt get greene which made me sad; i loved her.

i love my art class. holechek is awesome; she's so fun. it's really going to be an awesome course...i hope i get a lot out of it. i'm already having fun just messing with my sketchbook. : )

things are going pretty well for me. the outside is looking bright. i just hope the inside brightens up too.

.:there is nothing more alarming than the secrets hidden just below the surface:.

...just a recent observation of mine