30.11.05

tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone

an original:.

time's cruel ticking slows with every second passing

it drags on endlessly in a series of cold, sharp clicks

i sit quietly in the corner and watch the world speed by

i dont even blink as i realize my life has become nothing.

i am the epitome of a corpse...i lack liveliness,

my feet drag beneath me like anchors released

my face has become the river bed, guiding streams down from the source

eyes are the windows of the soul they say--

my windows are frosted with sheets of tears.

i dont bother painting my face anymore...

for no one accepts my efforts at normalcy.

passing thoughts lead to recovered memories,

memories i'd kill to relive,

ones that kill me to reflect on...

the cold, dark stairwell of my life seems to be an endless spiral--

can i ever reach the top? do i even want to try?

or should i just stay here on my lonsome step...

drink in the darkness that shakes me with fear...

relish the rain the seem to escapes through the "windows"...

i may never reach the top, but i'll die trying.

.:we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up:.

--i cry out Your name, i am in need of Your mercies Jesus, despite my pride and my shame, i'm learning to need You--

*i had fun with you too, david. thanks, that made my whole day*

 

29.11.05

impatience and lack of control dont mix

so i have to do this sketch book entry for art...it has to be two full pages about a significant even that changed my life. i couldnt pinpoint one specific life event....so i chose a much more broad feeling. i guess i combined sadness, depression, and lonliness into one big category. i'm not sure how to continue with it--i've started it but now i'm not sure what to do next.

i hate that you didnt call. i hate that you didnt answer me. i hate that you've left me in the dark. and i hate that i've realized how miserable i am when i dont get to talk to you. and i really hate that i made the decision to avoid initiating our next conversation. i hate that i have to wait for you to come to me. i hate that. but i also know that it could turn out for the best...that maybe if i havent blown it, if i havent scared you off or pushed you too far away...just maybe i could be happy with you. we could be happy together.  i just wish it didnt take so long.

.:this is about both of us:.

and so it is just like you said it would be life goes easy one me--most of the time and so it is the shorter story no love no glory--no hero in her sky i can't take my eyes off of you i cant take my eyes off of you i cant take my eyes off of you   and so it is just like you said it should be we'll both forget the breeze--most of the time and so it is the colder water, the blower's daughter, the pupil in denial... i cant take my eyes off of you i cant take my eyes off of you i cant take my mind off of you i cant take my mind off of you i cant take my mind...til i find somebody new...

28.11.05

jennifer has the funnest surveys to steal when i'm bored...

A is for - Age: almost 18...feb 11...2 months til i'm legal. lordy.

B is for - Boyfriend/Girlfriend: i dont know. i'm single, but i dont know how long that will last, you'll have to ask him.
C is for - Career in Future: painter, novelist, sky diving instrcutor, window washer--hell, who knows?
D is for - Dead person you would like to meet: MawMaw
E is for - Essential item: a good cd
F is for - Favorite song at the moment: have a little faith in me :: mandy moore. so applicable to my life.
G is for - Girls you've kissed: sexually? none. but i have kissed my mommy, my aunt debbie, aunt,s grandmas, natalie... now if you want to know BOYS...um...5. i never had a lot of boyfriends.
H is for - Hometown: hmmm, let's ponder shall we? maybe jacksonville? nah....too obvious

I is for - Instruments you play: my voice is my instrument. (FYI::that was meant to sound ridiculously corny)
J is for - Job title: err....student? hormonal teenager? pick your poison
K is for - Kicks Ass: this is a bit inappropriate. not really...err...many things kick ass. cotton candy, making out, and driving down the highway with the windows down have to be in my top five though.
L is for - Living places: in my house? in a dream world...a house on the ocean in greece or italy
M is for - Most memorable moment of today: seeing the cute guy at winn dixie twice.

N is for - Number of people you've slept with: er..in an "i had sex with them way" none, in a "we slept in the same bed way" many. girls always sleep in the same bed when they spend the night. unlike weird boys.
O is for - Overnight hospital stays: zero. unless being born counts. i doubt it does.

P is for - Phobias: roaches, claurophobia, public speaking, the dark, being kidnapped
Q is for - Quote you like: no quote...favorite song lyrics of all time :: I'll be--Edwin MCcain

R is for - Relationship that lasted the longest: consecutively? 4 months. altogether? around 9 or 10
S is for - Sexuality: i am a female seeking ridiculously handsome, intelligent, romantic, and thought provoking men. sorry ladies.
T is for - Time you wake up everyday: 7 on schooldays, btwn 9-11 wknds.
U is for - Unique trait(s): i'm artistic, i can write, i can sing, apparently i'm a good kisser....etc
V is for - Vegetable you love: i'd say potatoes but those are more of a root than an actual "veggie" so i'll go with...damn. i dont know....next question.
W is for - Worst habit: leaving the lights on all over the house, leaving my music on when i'm not in my room or even in my house, expecting the worst in most possible situations. [oh yeah--i like swearing...a lot.]
X is for - X-rays you've had: teeth, left elbow...that's probably it.
Y is for - Yummy food you make: chili...won a prize for it. so there.  and i like baking. mmm.....

Z is for - Zodiac sign: aquarius

27.11.05

a little late but oh well

it was a nice surprise to see you called today. i feel like some weight has been lifted. a worry, or anxiety, has been erased and hopefully it can stay that way now. but it was really lovely to talk to you the other day. i missed you all this time. your words comforted me. i know you have an idea of how i feel and knowing you're taking the time to reassure me makes me smile. [we've been through hell together]

watching for pirate ships was fun. more fun than i expected. :) i swear that star did not blink from white, to red, to blue. you're insane. it was white the whole time--blinking yes...changing colors, no. i think you were just intoxicated by me. ;) i think it was two-sided. fallout boy is certainly amazing. and you're right...i could listen to it forever and never ever get sick of it. i never knew standing outside in the cold could be so fascinating.

come me sing sunday at 8:15. it could be the last time for a while.

i'm gunna love you more than anyone. i'm gunna hold you closer than before. and when i kiss your soul your body be free-i'll be free for you anytime. i'm gunna love you more than anyone.

wouldnt it be nice to hear that and know someone means it?

22.11.05

good god i'm bored.

results of too many online tests proving i have a severe lack of life:

***The Keys to Your Heart***


You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.(thats a negative dude)

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.


What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
http://www.blogthings.com/keystoyourheartquiz/

***Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover***

(funny, although completel inaccurate)
You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you!
Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter.
You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you.

You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable
Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life
By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover.

Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives.
Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours.
No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.


What Kind of Seducer Are You?
http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofseducerareyouquiz/

***Your Birthdate: February 11***

(all very true)
Spiritual and thoughtful, you tend to take a step back from the world.
You're very sensitive to what's going on around you, yet you remain calm.
Although you are brilliant, it may take you a while to find your niche.
Your creativity is supreme, but it sometimes makes it hard for you to get things done.

***Your Personality Is***


Idealist (NF)

You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.
You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.

You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.
Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.

You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.
Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.

In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. (my downfall as a human)

At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.

With others, you communicate well. (with close friends yes, aquaintances not so regularly)You can spend all night talking with someone.

As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.

On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.


The Three Question Personality Test
http://www.blogthings.com/threequestionpersonalitytest/

20.11.05

when will it be ok

i cant even stay at church for more than 10 m inutes. i am absolutely pitiful. completely pathetic. i cant be around you. period. i cant handle it. i cant handle knowing you might be able to say how you feel to other people--but you wont fucking tell me. you cant talk to me. after a year. i wasted a whole year. and you cant even talk to me. and i cant be near you without breaking down. we are the two most ridiculous people on the planet. i hate that i cant get over this. i hate that i cant make myself be happy. i hate that you do this to me. and i hate myself for ever believing i could make it work.   and i really HATE that i cant freaking save this damn thing o my own computer too.

15.11.05

i'm tired. i miss you and i dont even know how you feel about all this. i never know how you feel about anything. you never tell me what you feel. ever. i dont know if you're hurt too or if you try not to think about it or if you arent even upset about it...if this makes you happy. i'm not entirely sure i want to know what you feel, but knowing something would at least bring me into the light. all i know is you had the time, i just wasnt worth it. you had the time, you just never took the time to see what you were walking away from...

14.11.05

my smile is an open wound without you--but at least you made me smile

so this weekend was successfully the worst weekend of my life. hands down. no questions asked. it blew. (not quite the same affect as "blows" but how effective can the past tense really be?) i worry myself.  i'm scared. i'm scared of what will happen if i cant find a way to heal--if i cant find happiness somewhere.  clinical depression is such a scary term...i dont want that tagged onto my identity...i dont want people to see me that way. i dont want to end up there. i feel like i'm so close sometimes. i just cry for no reason--well, i have reasons, but it will be just random i guess. i'm sad a lot. in a deep sense i'm always sad--but more often than not i can at least fake a smile and make people think i'm ok. we wrote nice things about each other on these cards at church a few weeks ago--someone told me i was always happy. i wanted to laugh out loud. but it made me feel better--in a weird, twisted way--that i was so good at fooling people. i dont want to fake joy--i want to feel joy.

i must say though that today was better than i expected.  i knew i was getting mail--but you surprised me again. we all know about the insane graves dvd library....and most everyone knows that we dont own any rated R movies--just how its always been.  haha--i bought Crash a few weeks ago, it isnt allowed in the cabinet. how racist. anywho...so i recieved Double Jeopardy which i really liked and wanted to buy....but it's an edited "clean" dvd. so, even though it isnt the "real deal" i dont care...its the same story. it just made my day to know you remembered that i mentioned it and thought about it--it seems you always do little things like that to make me smile. so thanks.

.:the strands in your eyes that color them wonderful stop me and steal my breath:.

9.11.05

is anyone out there?

i think its so cool that i just looked myself up online....that anyone can find me and read about me and get to know me. i mean unless your a creepy rapist---thats where i draw the line. but its so weird to me that some of the people you know best you rarely see or verbally speak to...you can just talk and write and learn about them by how they form words and sentences and what they say and how they describe things. writing is so underrated.  its beautiful to hear, or read, someone describe something simple using beautiful words--just look at walt whitman. he fascinates me.

is there anyoe out there who reads this and doesnt know me? that would be interesting to find out. i'd love to see a response if  there is, but my friends dont really even comment much so i wont hold my breath.

7.11.05

constant reminders

this weekend turned out to be better than once previously excpected. isnt it nice when that happens? heh--that was funny....you know what i'm talking about :)

i found this shirt at american eagle yesterday...it says "let your soul shine" it was irionic because i got a few emails the day before from friends and when i replied to them, i ended them both with [you'll shine]  i guess thats my new cheer up and stop being so gosh danged depressed. who knows if it'll work or not...i'm trying to be more positive. so far so good--but its only been like....24-ish hours.

i just want to take the opportunity to tell everyone how much i adore my parents. most kids arent very close, or even on speaking terms, with their parents which i dont understand. i'd die without them. they do everything in the world for me and always want me to be happy. they just pretty much rock and i love them.

its so hard to be your own person in our generation. i've heard a lot of people say there isnt any peer pressure....but i think theres even pressure to say that. i mean, subtle as it may feel...its everywhere. how many times do you hear or see people making fun of/being made fun of for not fitting in for whatever reason? all the time, everyday. i try not to let other people's ideas on how to live affect what i do, and for the most part i think i'm prety good at doing what i want and avoiding what i dont. i just think its so important for, if for no other reason, be confident inyour decisions and not rely on the "cool" perception thats out there in our society. its all instant graitification and personal pleasure over all else...i dont think its healthy. why else are there more obese kids now than ever before? gluttony....and it isnt even necessarily their fault...one order of anything at a restaurant is alomst always enough to feed two--its such a waste of food to give people tiwce what they need when you know less than half those people eat their left-overs...

anyway..off that tangent. i have become quite idstracted in that last 15 minutes.  i think the only other thing i had to say was that i applied to SCAD. exciting.

make your soul shine*

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no.
I needed you today
So where did you go?
You told me to call
Said you'd be there
And though I haven't seen you
Are you still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

And though I cannot see you
And I can't explain why
Such a deep reassurance
You've placed in my life.
We cannot separate
'Cause you're part of me.
And though you're invisible
I'll trust the unseen.

3.11.05

its never good enough

i'm more than frusterated. the emotions you have to pick from are sparse...completely inadequate. i'm angry, frusterated, sad, depressed, lonely, confused, anxious, furious, i wanna break things, hit something, slam doors, scream, cry, rip things up....anything to get the rage out. i'm sick of it. i'm angry all the time and i dont really know what precisely i'm angry at. i mean in a general sense i hate myself, i am never good enough for anyone, i suck at life, i'm not needed (which i need more than anything), i snap at people, people are rude to me....i'm angry at God for ignoring me, i hate myself for saying God ignores me because in my gut i know how much He loves me, i'm tired of feeling alone. i have such an overwhelming fury about me all the time. it never ends. it is less severe in some cases but its always there. and when it blooms in all its red-tinged, jagged-edged glory it burns everything in its path. uncontrollable it is. i dont know how to get it out and keep it out. i want peace, i want to be still. i want a quiet and content spirit. all i have now is this tornado of negative emotions hurtling through and destroying everything i touch.

i just want to get it out.

i just called to say i love you

thats all i wanted to do, i didnt even think you were gunna answer, i was just going to leave a message...but i get a "i have someone on the other line, what do you want?" i want you go give a flying f*ck...thats what i want.