things i like.

sweets:.
twizzlers pull-n-peel.
cotton candy.
red swedish fish.
dark chocolate.
divinity.
pralines.
gum.
pop!rocks.
fundip.
blow pops.
reisens.

literary works/writers of literature:.
pride and prejudice.
blue like jazz.
harry potter.
post secret.
my_secret.
leaves of grass.
davinci code.
angels + demons.
ee cummings.
nicholas sparks.
james patterson.
sabrina ward harrison.

"cinematic adventures":.
breakfast at tiffany's.
funnyface.
an affair to remember.
love affair.
sabrina.
RENT.
pride and prejudice.
phantom of the opera.
elizabethtown.
last holiday.
the brave little toaster.
american beauty.
garden state.
the holiday.
james bond 007.
doc hollywood.
spies like us.
the notebook.
lord of the rings.
diary of a mad black woman.
forrest gump.


persons[actual or fantastic]:.
audrey hepburn.
don miller.
william h. macy.
tom hanks.
walt whitman.
elizabeth bennet.
holly golightly.
patrick.
momma.
daddy.
kimmie.
nat*attack.
sam.
philipie.
aunt deb.
cinderella.
sabrina ward harrison.
fitzwilliam darcy.
craig meyers.
bryan amerling.
my pawpaws.
my bubba and my spaz.
^[macie and sophie].
andy warhol.
maher.
jesus.

obscurities:.
vintage posters.
big rings.
bangles.
painted glass.
orchids.
gold.
red.
paint.
sunshine.
rain.
drives.
colors.
messy hair.
crinkly books.
crayon box smell.
fires.
shooting stars.
board games.
observing people.
thinking.
jazz.
henna.
sparkles.
smoky eyes.
dresses.
writing.
fun prints.
wind.
cleansing tears.
sand and water.
museums.
galleries.
coffe shops.
working up a sweat.
feeling at ease.
brushstrokes.
progress.
snorts of laughter.
late-nite scrambled eggs.
coco-cola.
warm hugs.

melodies and harmonies:.
john mayer.
damien rice.
miles davis.
john coltrane.
snow patrol.
ben folds.
jamie cullum.
the fray.
gavin degraw.
mae.
sugarcult.
fallout boy.
boston.
whitney houston.
gospel music.
pat benetar.
panic!at the disco.
oasis.
maroon5.
dave matthews.
michael jackson. [yes.]
aqualung.
googoo dolls.
five for fighting.
juliana theory.
eve 6.
corrine baileyrae.
brian mcknight.
celine dion.
keane.

edibles:.
turkey.
pizza rolls.
chicken parmesean.
breadsticks.
fresh, crunchy bread.
scrambled eggs.
bacon.
extra sharp cheddar cheese.
triscuits.
peanut butter.
grape jelly.
fried chicken.
stir-fry.
half-baked ice cream. [ben+jerry].
kix.
ranch dressing.
quiche.
lasagne.
mashed potatoes.
gravy.
peas.
lima beans.
bagel bites.
ramen noodles.
chocolate oreos.
bagels.
icees.
cheetos.
funions.
cinnamon rolls.
waffles.
burgers.
onions rings.
chicken fingers.
honey mustard.
chicken fried rice.

i dont even know.

I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on

------------------>  mae, this is the countdown:.

i feel like i'm under one of those heavy, lead xray things. you know the ones, the things they lay on your chest before they xray your teeth at the dentist or something. i feel a pressure over me, and its hindering me.

i feel so far away from the things i want. i'm just so tired. i feel drained. i feel like i've been fighting a losing battle for years. i'm exhausted, and i just wish i could strip it all away. struggle is the thing that has overwhelmed me it seems; everything has been a struggle. god is a struggle, family is a struggle, friends are a struggle, getting over you is a struggle, letting anyone in is a struggle, school is a struggle. i dont expect my life to be a perfect, breezy thing, but i dont expect it to be this hard either. i mean, i dont know, i feel like i have to fight vicisously for everything i want, and even then sometimes it doesnt work out. the things that i want could even be right in front of me sometimes, and i cant just make myself take them. i'm so used to being disappointed its almost like i dont want to be content because its scary. i guess its scary to think i could be so happy, i could have all this goodness, and then imagine it all blowing up and returning to a place like the one i was in before. i dont want to be bak there. i'm just so damn afraid of everything. of being alone, of being with people, of succeeding, of failing, of never knowing god, of being intimate with god, of never finding anyone, of being in a relationship, of my own feelings.

i have so much trouble sorting out my own thoughts. its just this jumble of things. this knot of feelings, memories, things left unsaid, things said too often, things that hurt, things that scare me, dreams. i cant untangle them. i cant see them individually, its like i can only remember or see parts of my own mind, because there's so much that it all overlaps and envelopes everything else, obscuring what i'm trying to find. i feel like im constantly searching for a way to say what i want to get out and usually end up saying a lot, but never what i need to.

i can read other people's thoughts, lyrics, poems, whatever it is, and it will be exactly how i feel but it was what i could never get out the right way. everyone else seems to be able to say what i cant find the words for.

theres only us, only tonight, we must let go to know whats right...

i dont believe a thing you've said. i dont think you dont care; i think thats a ridiculous thing to expect me to believe. but you believe it, you want to believe it, so go ahead. i cant change that, i cant make you do anything i want you to. a small part of me will always be sad about this, but...i'm hoping if this is how we are, that i found something better for me. hoping i have something good waiting for me. so, i came to say:

"goodbye love, goodbye love. came to say goodbye love, goodbye. just came to say goodbye love goodbye love, came to say goodbye."

thank you jennnn

Check off the life experiences you have had. DO NOT include explanations!

Level 1
( ) Smoked A Cigarette
( ) Smoked A Cigar
( ) Smoked Weed
(x) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
(x) Drank Alcohol

SO FAR: 2

Level 2
(x) Are / Been In Love
( x) Been Dumped
( ) Shoplifted
( ) Been Fired
( ) Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 4

Level 3
( ) Snuck Out Of A Parent's House
(x) Had Feelings For Someone Who Didn't Have Them Back
( ) Been Arrested
( ) Made Out With A Stranger
() Gone Out On A Blind Date

SO FAR: 5

Level 4
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x) Skipped School
( ) Slept With A Co-worker
( ) Seen Someone / Something Die

SO FAR: 7

Level 5
( ) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your MYSPACE Friends
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain
(x) Been On A Plane
( ) Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 8

Level 6
() Eaten Sushi
( ) Been Snowboarding
( ) Met Someone BECAUSE Of Myspace
( ) Been Mosh Pitting

SO FAR: 8

Level 7
( ) Been In An Abusive (emotionally or physically) Relationship
(x) Taken Pain Killers
(x) Love(d) Someone Who You Can't Have
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 12

Level 8
(x) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
(x) Gone Puddle Jumping
(x) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 17

Level 9
( x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
() Gone Sledding
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School

SO FAR: 21

Level 10
( ) Used A Fake / Someone Else's ID
(x) Watched The Sun Set
( ) Felt An Earthquake
( ) Killed A Snake

SO FAR: 22

Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
( ) been Robbed / Vandalized
( ) Robbed Someone
(x) Been Misunderstood
( ) Pet A Deer

SO FAR: 24

Level 12
(x) Won A Contest
( ) Been Suspended From School
( ) Had Detention
(x) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR: 26

Level 13
( x) Had / Have Braces
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight

SO FAR: 30

Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Look
( ) Witnessed A Crime
( x) Pole Danced
(x) Questioned YourHeart
(x) Been obsessed with post-it-notes

SO FAR: 34

Level 15
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(x) Been Lost
( ) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(x) Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying

SO FAR: 38

Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
() Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins

SO FAR: 42

Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls
(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
() Kissed In The Rain

SO FAR: 45

Level 18
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
( x) Been Kissed Under A Mistletoe
() Watched The Sun Set With Someone You Care / Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
() Made A Bonfire On The Beach

SO FAR: 48

Level 19
( ) Crashed A Party
(x) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey

SO FAR: 51

Level 20
(x) Worn Pearls
( ) Jumped Off A Bridge
(x ) Screamed "Penis" In Class
()Swam With Dolphins

SO FAR: 53

Level 22
(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole / Freezer/ice Cube
( ) Kissed A Fish
(x) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(x) Sat On A Roof Top

SO FAR: 56

Level 23
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
() Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
(x) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(x) Stayed Up All Night

SO FAR: 59

Level 24
() Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree
(x) Had / Been In A Tree House
(x) Scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone

SO FAR: 62

Level 25
() Believe In Ghosts/spirits
(x) Have / Had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
( ) Gone Streaking
( ) Jail/Visit

SO FAR: 63

Level 26
(x) Played Chicken
(x) Been Pushed Into A Pool With All Your Clothes On
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
(x) Broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 68

Level 27
() Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
( ) Made A Porn Video
() Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed

SO FAR: 70

Level 28
() Mooned / Flashed Someone
(x) Had Someone Moon / Flash You
( ) Cheated On A Test
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name
(x) Slept Naked
( ) French Braided Someones Hair
(x) Gone Skinny Dippin In A Pool
( ) Been Kicked Out Of Your House.

SO FAR: 74

Level 29
(x) Rode A Roller Coaster
(x) Went Scuba-Diving / Snorkeling
() Had A Cavity
( ) Black-Mailed Someone
() Been Black Mailed

SO FAR: 76

Level 31
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs
( )set a cat on fire
(x) Bitten Someone
(x) Licked Someone

SO FAR: 80

Level 32
( ) been shot at
( ) had sex in the rain / rainy night
( ) flattened someone tires
(x) Rode your car until the gas light came on
() got five dollars or less worth of gas

So Far: 81

Repost Your Results Like This...
I've Done 81 Out Of 142 Life Experience

"OHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYY!"

you cant argue that we dont deserve to be in the BCS nat'l champs. you just can't.

yeah. i guess you could say the gators suck. suck at LOSING. whatever.

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

------->nickelback.:.far away

this whole day. maybe it started a little late, but that doesnt matter. it started off bad. it ended bad. the middle was ok. up until that damn movie it was ok. i dont even know how the heck it got so twisted. no idea. it just hit me like a ton of bricks-------->which hell, is what always happens. there is never anything slow and subtle with you. ever.

i dont understand. i dont understand why the heck you stay with me. through everything, through all that has happened, and not happened, through all of this. why wont you just leave? you stay in my mind and in my heart always and sometimes i wish you would just get the hell out. it would make forgetting you so much easier. and i cant. i cant forget. why does it still hurt so bad? it would be easier if you had been an ass. if you were a jerk and gave me a reason to hate you i would be able to get over it. but you were you. and you are never terrible. not to me. you just couldnt do it. i cant be angry with you for that. that makes it all the harder. i cant be mad at you, i cant be bitter, andi cant hate you. i just have a wealth of warm and happy thoughts of you that replay in my mind for what seems like forever...and the slideshow doesnt end once it's begun. not for ages. it just plays, and i sink lower and lower and i cant turn it off and i cant look away, cant breathe, cant refocus my energy, cant stop.

i dont understand why God would let this happen and then make things this difficult to forget. i dont. and this i think, is my biggest problem with God. He made all of this hurt happen, all of this pain. then miraculously He fixed everything....for an instant it seemed. and then He ripped it out from under me again. and now i have no answers. no where to turn, no comprehension. i believe everything happens for a reason, but i dont know what the reasons are. and i hate that. i got it back, that happened for a reason. why would You screw it up? why would You take it away? that happened for a reason to but i have no f*ing clue what it was. and then this---------->just like before, dreams. dreams at least once a week. constant reminders of what i have lost. the thing i treasured more than anything else, the thing i honestly believe i may never recover from....You keep that with me. why?

i just wish i knew why. all i want is the truth. from you, from Him, from whoever can give it to me. you have both mislead me. you have lied. you cant tell me the real reason why. and You justtoy with me. and i'm sick of it. i hate feeling this way. beig fine for so long, thinking i'm coping and moving on and then having it knock the wind out of me, side-swiping me completely.

whatever. whats the point anymore. it isnt like these same questions got me anywhere the last time, or ever. i dont know why i expect to understand. i just want the one thing i probably wont get back. just like everyone else. i guess i'm not any different from anyone else.

i did it again.

i even knew in the dream i'd done it again, but got up, checked my email, and brushed my teeth before i realized it consciously. damnit.

why do you haunt me so?

nobody does it better

aw. goodness. you even surprised me, which i thought would be pretty damn near impossible, but being the spectacular you that you are, you've done it again. everyone was so excited to see you, it was an awesome thing to be able to surprise everyone and see the looks on thier faces. i'm sooo glad you're back. i cant even explain it to you. i missed having my best friend around. it isnt any different though, i thought it would take a while to get back into the swing of things, for things to be normal again, but it took no time at all.  this makes me smile.  : )

i really need to start going to bed before 3 am. seriously, its getting a bit obscene. haha, i dont wake up until afternoon most days, but i dont go to bed until practically early morning anyways. i need to stop chatting on the phone. i wish i didnt have so much fun talking to you until all hours, because i would get a lot more sleep. oh well, its a sacrfice i'm willing to make. plus, i love that we can talk and i can be silly and make voices and snort andd be my embarassing self and not be embarassed. thats nice to feel so comfortable with someone. i almost watched batman begins the other day too. you're having a serious effect on my movie selection criteria. this is impressive given our short history. not many people can influence my cinematic stylings so effectively nor so effortlessly. that was a pretty eloquent way of saying you're in my brain telling me which movies to watch.

mmmm, tomorrow night will be good. pizza and bond. for the third time. ahhh, gotta love obsession. it'll be fun going to see it with you.

i want a tattoo. i really do. i'm just so damn chicken of doing things like that. i know i said i want to do the things i wanna do, but i dont know if this one will come to pass or not. i mean, on one hand it's this permanent thing, this ink blot you carry around with you forever, and you'll never be rid of it. ever. but at the same time, who gives a shit? if its important to you, if it means something to you personally, [which mine would], then who cares if people dont like it or if its with you forever. if it has meaning you'll want it forever. i dunno. i mull over it quite a bit.

.:this was meant to whet our appetite:.

-------------->bond, james bond.
the spy who loved me <----------------

tomorrow, tomorrow, i love ya tomorrow....

tomorrow could possibly be the best day i've had in months.

ooh lordy. new shirts, haircuts...and lookin good.

this morning was nice. very nice. i miss things being how they were. just hanging out, talking, joking. its fun. and, we both looked rather nice i must add. haha.

i feel like a loser because the only things on my christmas list are school supplies and books. cool. ehh whatever. its what i like. and i really need to get over my red fettish. red slippers, flats, swedish fish, skittles, starbursts, glitter, lipstick, jewlery, everythingggg. gold and red are where its at yo. get with the times. or, i'm just obsessed so christmas is perfect for me.

i'm over presents. i like to make presents but i'm out of creative juice. i'm ready to veggggg out, and not do artistic things. and i hate buying presents for people. not i hate giving presents, i love it, but i hate buying things,or giving money because its so impersonal. if you buy a thoughtful gift thats one thing, but usually people just buy you crap so they dont feel guilty. maybe i'm just a little cynical. whatever.

ahhh so excited about john mayer. lord. i just love him. he's so good. anyone who says he isnt is just naive. seriously. you cant say he isnt good. going against the grain JUST to go against the grain is the most irritating thing to me ever. which is what half our school does. cool. everyone has to be a little more different than the next person. it isnt a contest. i just dont get it. be you. if people dont like it that sucks but if they dont like you why would you want to hang out with them? whatever.

sometimes i feel like i should keep my opinions to myself. i feel like when i meet people they get this really bad impression of me.  i just feel very strongly about...well everything basically. but i feel like it comes across in a negative way which i dont want to do. oh well. having opinions is good. makes me more interesting. [maybe i just tell myself these things to feel better.]

i'm just rambling now....and House is on. so peace.

wow, that man is really angry. he's really pissed, taste the air, you can taste it in the air.

it aboslutely amazes me everytime i see you. everytime you open your mouth, i'm stunned.

i've never met another human being so self absorbed as you in my entire life. someone so completely and utterly childlike and irresponsible it floors me.  someone so spoiled that they cant even COMPREHEND the extent of their own absurdity. 

you sit there, on the dirty, hairy, dusty floor and look me straight in the eyes and lie to me expecting me to believe you. look me right in the face and say, "i never use anything of yours without asking." when i JUST not 5 minutes ago put my handmade mirror away, scrape the paint off my radio remote, and re-insert the now scratched cd into its player. when i go to my makeup drawer and find my MAC eye shadow that i havent touched half empty, or find that my second bottle of shampoo is mysteriously almost gone when i barely use any at all, or when my brand new bottle of soap has significantly less in it when i come back that weekend [and i havent opened it yet], when i find you letting someone else use my computer, when i know YOU GOT ON MY COMPUTER AND READ MY PERSONAL CONVERSATIONS WITH MY FAMILY, when you vacuum while someone in the room is sleeping and then blame it on me because i asked you to, when you leave your dirty trash all over the room for weeks for everyone else to clean up, when you do homework all weekend and let it flood our entire floor so throughouly that there isnt even walking space, when you turn the TV on while someone is asleep, when you drink the last of my soda while i'm gone so that i have nothing to drink all week, when you eat the food i've brought from home, when you open your mouth to give a completely ludicris excuse for every single one of these things.....i want to slap you and ask how the hell you survived infancy.

i've never met anyone else in my life who was so thouroughly convinced of their own innocence, who was so quick to blame every ounce of their own incompetence on someone else's bitchiness and not take an ounce of blame for their own behavior. who uses the excuse: i dont have money, [when you spend it all on food and clothes and not on the things you "borrow" every freaking day from us], or you "dont have time to clean up after yourself" [even though you watched a movie last night with people, or go out on the weekends], or "you're just messy" [i dont give a shit. i'm not living in YOUR mess. clean it up]. i love that you cry to everyone about what ia bitch I am, ME, because i actually am the only person to ever call you out and make you accountable for your lack of responsibility, make me sound like this terrible cruel person for asking you to do YOUR DAMN JOB. [which is to keep your hands off everyone's crap but yours, and to keep your crap in your area.] yep, for asking you to have even an OUNCE of respect for anyone in this closet they call a room or their things, EXPENSIVE things that you feel entitled to.

i dont feel bad for you, maybe people let you manipulate them into feeling bad for you and pitying your low [which they arent] circumstances and cutting you some slack, but i'm not. everyone else here has the same responsibilites you now have and everyone else has to deal with the them exact same way you have to. so learn how to do it without bitching and moaning.

no, you cant just switch shifts with whoever you want whenever you want at work, its unprofessional, they arent there to cater to you. you are there to work for them, and you do what they tell you to do when they tell you to do it. dont make your manager sound like a bitch for asking you to do your job properly. god, yep shes terrible for making you work when she asks you to. damn her. geez. yeah...r i g h t.

i thank god i have only a few hours left of dealing with your ridiculous shit. i'd rather have triplet-boys puking and pooping and crying 24-7 than deal with your crap.

i just wanna wake up.

i've decided something; now, whether i keep with it or not is a matter of debate, but i would like to think i'll be able to stick with it for the most part.

i want to do things to make me happy. i'm sick of doing everything for everyone else. i enjoy making people happy and i will always be that way----------->what i mean is i want to do things for myself too. i dont want to ONLY cater to everyone, because i deserve better. if i want ice cream after i eat an entire meal that was unhalthy, i will. i want it, so i;m going to do it. [i'm not saying i'm going to eat my way into obesitiy, but i'm not going to not let myself have certain things because i think i'll get fat some day in the future. as long as i dont get 70 lbs overweight and not suffocating in my own cholesterol, i'll eat what i damn well please.] if i want to go to a concert, then i will. if i want to go sky diving for my birthday, which i most definitely DO, then i will.

i dont want to get to 40 and realize i lived my whole life waiting for it to start, waiting for the "right time" to do this or that. i'm not saying i'll be completely carefree and not give a damn what happens tomorrow, but if an opportunity to do something good for myself presents itself, i dont want to let it slip by. i dont want to regret the way i live later on. it isnt worth it. what if i never get another chance to sky dive? gotta jump off that plane now!

---------->anyway, i just thought i'd share. this song by mae i'm listening to is about waking up with another person, but hearing him say "i just wanna wake up" over and over with such feeling, i totally forget what the song is supposed to be about and focus on what i hear. i dot want to walk through life alseep, not really seeing whats ahead of me.

.:i just wanna wake up:.

"...i die without you..."

i just miss you. i miss you every day, and every day i pretend i couldnt care less. and then, like today, it catches up with me and i catch myself looking at the pictures of us i have moved, hidden, put behind others, and it hits me how much i miss just talking with you. obviously i miss being with you, having you care about me, but its mostly just that i miss knowing you're only a few miles away, knowing that i can call you if i need to, or just want to, knowing you want to talk to me too, knowing ou miss me. i dont know those things anymore.

i love that we talked normally, but it just made me miss you even more. seeing you, even for two minutes, makes everything ok for a while. having you talk to me, its like "whoa. that was good. i remember that." i just wish we could be friends. i just wish that not being together hadnt screwed up one of the best friendships i ever had. that i still had my best friend, but i dont now.

i hate having an awesome day, reaching for the phone, and remembering i shouldnt be calling you to tell you about it. thats an awful feeling. i hate stupid unspoken little rules about how you should act after something like that. its so dumb. i hate having everyone yell at me and tell me you're an immature asshole, telling me i'm not allowed to talk to you, i'm not allowed to want to see you play football, or basketball when the time comes]. well---------->F you, you cant tell me how i'm allowed to feel, what i'm allowed to do. it makes me so angry.

i'm angry with you for sdoing what you did, no question. but it wasnt the action, so much as the execution. you could have handled the situation so much better. we could have talked about it, you could have SAID it to me, you could have seen me. could have done so many little things. but maybe thats just it-------->you couldnt. i know you cant handle me being away, and thats ok. i dont expect you to be able to deal with it, you've never dealt with anything like that before and its hard as hell. and its ok. you arent ready, and i understand that completely, no mater how much it hurts. i guess i just expected you to be able to handle it better, the whole , "lets break up" thing. you lied to me. breaking this off has nothing to do with how you feel about me, and i think whether you realized it then, or now for that matter, deep down you know it isnt true. it had nothing to do with not caring about me anymore.

i understand better than anyone that it hurts to have a situation like this, helloooo, i was in it with you. and i know you dont let people in, and i know you deal with things in your own way, which is ultimately, blocking me out. i know, because i have done it to you before, and you to me. we've been through this before. and its so much easier to turn off all emotion for a person than to face the fact that even though you love someone you cant be with them. i know. but you could have just told me. you could have said, i just cant do this, but it has nothing to do with not caring about you. i guess that was too hard. i understand all of it, i just wish we could be honest with each other.

God, i just miss you. nothing more, nothing less. i just miss you.

.:i'm in repair, i'm not together, but i'm getting there:.
                                    ---------------->john mayer.

i'll never get over you walkin away...to hell with my pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes.

there i was, ten years old
waiting in my room for him to come home
and i just knew he'd be so mad
though i begged momma not to, she told my dad

there was no denying i let him down
but instead of being angry
he put his arms around me and said:
in the sunlight or the rain
brightest nights ☀ or darkest days ☁
i'll always feel the same way
whatever road you may be on
know you're never too far gone
my love is there, wherever you may be
just remember that you'll always be my baby

there i was, twenty-one
oh i was so ashamed of what i'd done
on a country road, parked one night
what started out so innocent crossed the line

there was no denying i let God down,
but instead of being angry
He let His love surround me and i heard:

in the sunlight or the rain,
brightest nights ☀ or darkest days ☁
i'll always feel the same way
whatever road you may be on
know you're never too far gone
my love is there, wherever you may be
just remember that you'll always be my baby.

---sara evans.

ohhhhh people are funny.

fun fact:

"yihns" apparently means "y'all" in pennsylvania.  R I G H T T T. but anyone who says "y'all" is a redneck. at least it clearly is the conjunction of two seperate words. "yihns" is....asian money. yeah. so, no more making fun of kristina for saying y'all. when you can disect "yihns" into real words and tell me how the heck someone came up with it, THEN we'll talk. hahaha....."yihns"......

life is ironic.

all i have to say is....welcome to my mutha ______ life. maybe NOW you'll understand.


.:an original

i close         
my eyes         
and i see        
that what i dreamed was just make believe.

then i squeeze,        
and my anger falls
just the way it always does:     
down my cheek,        
in a warm, damp stream.

i just wanna scream, 
i dont want the world to see me this way.
to fall on my knees,
begging god please just take this away.

so i push
the thought
of you
to the back of my mind
just to see a piece
of what you used to be
pass me by...

no matter how hard i try
you always catch me by surprise.
i can feel just fine,
then the sharp disbelief grabs me by the side
and i cant fight the hurt it cuts deep inside.

i just wanna scream, 
i dont want the world to see me this way.
to fall on my knees,
begging god please just take this away.

so i lay
down to sleep
hoping please
God, let you be just a memory.

because
i cant fake
my smile anymore
no i cant pretend
i'm ok this time.

i just wanna scream, 
i dont want the world to see me this way.
to fall on my knees,
begging god please just take this away.

things most recently i have decided make me sick.

-gatorade.
-football in general.
-black basketball sneaks. [white, apparently, are ok.]
-red trucks.
-teal backpacks.
-red tuxes.
-massive quantities of food.
-SoBe.
-basketball/gym shorts.
-t-shirts.
-office buildings.
-pools.
-bearded dragons.
-"retarted" walks, voices, faces, gestures.
-massive keychains.
-yellow roses.
-video games.
-dreams.
-kissy sounds.
-baby talk.
-big butts.
-sweetness.
-nicknames from/reffering to forrest gump's best friend.
-forrest gump in general.
-phantom of the opera.
-the dark.
-mix cds.
-any spicy or oddly flavored chips.
-massive quantities of liquid.
-peanut butter anything.
-letters.
-sheepishness.
-jesse mccartney.
-tenderness.
-naps.
-back-rubs.
-beep-beep phones.
-ice cream cakes.
-drawing.
-singing.
-humor.
-being the person to always help, always sit with the kid who's alone, always do the right thing.
-tickling.
-sad rascal flatts songs.
-tears. even when you pretend not to have them.
-special ringtones.
-firehouse.
-MVP's.
-JTB.
-University Blvd.
-memories.

things that make me remember you. which is pretty much everything i see.

"Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me,testing me

How did they find me here
What do they want from me
All of these vultures hiding
Right outside my door
I hear them whisperin
They're tryin to ride it out
Cause they've never gone this long
Without a kill before

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me, testing me

Wheels up
I got to leave this evening
Can't seem to shake these vultures
Off of my trail
Power is made, by power being taken
So I keep on running
To protect my situation

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me"

------------------->john, [vultures]

i hate this.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

.:john mayer:.


------------->ahhhh. i hate hate hate you sometimes. you walked up to me, hugged me, held me as i cried. you told me you were sorry, that you never should have left. we promised each other to be strong and to tough it out and you hadnt at all, and you wanted to try. i just cried, and hoped. and you told me you missed me so much, and no matter who you saw, you could never feel the same way about anyone the way you felt about me. that you loved me, and you didnt mean what you said when your hurt me. and i didnt know what to say, i didnt know what to do. but it didn't matter what i did, because then i rolled over and realized i was still sleeping....again.

i just dont know anymore...

it's getting easier to breathe. i cant explain it. it hurts, and it hurts deeply inside of me, but at the same time, i can focus on something other than that. does that make sense? it hurts but i dont spend all my time feeling sorry for myself and being sad even though its so much easier. i miss him. everyday. every second i miss him with every fiber of my being. but, at the same time, he doesn't define me as he used to. who i am doesnt depend on if he wants me. i am a separate entity. i am a whole other being altogether. i think thats why this time is easier. thats why i can be ok, be normal. not fall so deep inside of myself that i cant find the way out.

i miss it. it isnt like any other feeling in the world. not like anything else. you have all of this love for someone, and suddenly its like that isnt enough anymore. it takes two, and all of a sudden there was one. it cant work, and neither person can be happy, but you want it to stay that way all the same because you'd rather be with someone and settling than be without them and face the fact that you may not be desirable. thats an awful and scary thing. but then all of a sudden i am alone, and i'm alive. i'm not dead. [i do realize i am completely and ridiculously repetitive.]

i guess what i'm trying aimlessly to get out is, i have figured out who i am and what i want, and even though many times i may choose the wrong thing, i try. i miss you because i loved you more than ive loved anyone before and you didnt want me. obviously that hurts, but i wont die. and right now its hard to imagine me finding someone to replace you, or caring that deeply for someone ever again, but i know if we arent meant to be, and i thought you were so amazing, the  guy i end up with will be......there arent words. if there is someone out there better than you, i cant imagine what he will be like. but i know whatever happens, i wont settle. i'm going to be happy no matter what, because i want it more than anyone else. i want to work for my happiness, and i need to remember my strength when things get hard.

i need to learn to trust. i dont. i dont trust easily, ad i'm not saying you should just naively believe everyone you meet, but i need to stop thinking so negatively towards others. just being here he short time i have, seeing all the different kinds of people there are and having those personalities around me has made my judgemental side  a little calmer. i've become more accepting of people since i got here, because people look freakin weird here--------->no lie. but there are some of the coolest people here too, and you'd never know what you were missing out on if you never gave anyone a chance. LIKE NOW FOR EXAMPLE. i'm out in the courtyard jammin to U2 like any faithful LUMC kid would be, and this guy walks up and tells me how much he likes U2 too. you never know who you'll talk to or meet here. ever. its sweet.

but back to my inner monologue. i have, ad always will, struggle with control. i need it. i need to help, i need to fix, and i need to be able to control what happens. God has shamelessly reminded me over the past two years that i have no control at all. He does. and i cant fix everything no matter how much i want to. but i still try. i still try to fix my problems on my own and i try to take control of my life by not trusting that He can do it so much better. i know He can, and i know i suck at it, but i cant give it up. i cant let Him in, and i cant say, "here, i'm tired, hurt, angry, and alone. fix my problems because i know i cant and i trust you to make my life better."  i wish with my whole being that i could say that and truly, sincerely mean it. but i cant. and i dont know how to. and that is what makes me saddest. i dont know how to trust God; i have no idea. what kind of person is like that? i dont understand! and it makes me so angry. this is the source of my low self-esteem. i have this God who loves me and wants th best for me and blah blah blah....but i dont trust Him no matter what happens. i dont do it on purpose, i dont do it because i think i'm better than God, and i dont do it because i want to piss Him off. i just dont know how. but i feel like not being able to trust Him is like telling Him to buzz off or something---------->you know? i guess its my twisted mind, always telling me i dont measure p when it isnt true. Gosh...i wish i could see myself positively all the time. i can look at myself and see beauty, but not always. i should be able to, but i cant. i think i draw well sometimes, sometimes i even sing well. but only sometimes. : /  not so cool.

god, i ramble like a maniac. anyone whos still reading is pulling one of those, "i'm still seeing words but not absorbing anything because i lost interest so long ago..."

the sounds of my life

soundtracks. there are always soundtracks in movies. they're a given, almost essential in building up drama, adding suspense, creating romance. we all have them too, they just play a little quieter in our minds.

lie in our graves: dave matthews.

-i love it because of the enormous instrumental solo in the middle. piano, drum, violin, it is fabulous. the piano is my favorite. it makes me happy, calms me down, soothes my soul. i never get tired of it. it makes me want to go on, so i can listen to it one more time.

music of the heart:nsync and gloria estefan.

-the words. letting someone know how they touched you. how they changed your life forever, and how they probably never even knew it happened. thats amazing to me. never forget to tell people how they've shaped you, it will shape them too.

jane be jane: ben folds.

-it's ok to be exactly who you are, dont try to change yourself for someone else, because if they dont love 'you' than they arent worth having around.

love song for no one: john mayer.

-because i sympathize. i want to not just be in love, i want ot be loved. i want to find whoever i'm meant to be with because i know how happy they will make me.

dreaming with a broken heart: john mayer.

-because i sympathize. waking up from a dream and realizing its not true is heart wrenching, and its happened to me for months at a time. and it was never true. and then when it was true it was gone in a flash. it is the most miserable feeling ever to wake up filled with hope that yes, today is the day i've waited for, only to realize you made it all up in your head. you cant let go.

more than a feeling: boston.

-it just makes you feel good.

pride in the name of love: U2

-hope. it gives me hope. and i love to sing it with bryan and david. :)

i need you: leann rimes.

-because we all need someone to believe in, and we need to be able to admit it. this reminds me that i do need something no matter how much i pretend i can stand alone. no one can and i need to remember that.

hit me with your best shot: pat benetar.

-to remind myself no matter how easy it is to feel sorry for myself, i am a tough broad. i can handle myself and i can make myself ok again, no matter how many times some jerk or many jerks hurt me. besides, i always have natalie to fall back on if i forget.

crawling in the dark: hoobastank.

-because i dont understand God at all most times. usually ever. and maybe i'm just not supposed to, but i have a hard time accepting Him and He comes. i don't like being in the dark and i feel i am most of the time. i wish i could understand why things happen the way they do.

there are more, but at the moment thats what i have. its something to think about.

.:"...and he'll kiss your face in the moonlight as you sit in front of your enormous lake, because who doesnt have an enormous lake in their front yard? yes, will we have our mr darcy, ad we wont have to wish we had someone like that. he'll be ours.":.

i dont understand why you took him away.

the pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
and i dont know the reason why you brought me here
but just because you love me the way that you do
i'm gunna walk through the valley if you want me to

because i'm not who i was when i took my first step
and i'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet
so with all of these trials bring me closer to you
and i will go through the fire if you want me to

it may not be the way i would have chosen
when you lead me through a world thats not my home
but you never said it would be easy
you only said i'd never go alone

so when the whole world turns against m and i'm all by myself
and i cant hear you answer my cries for help
i'll rememebr the sovreign your love puts you through
and i will go through the valley if you want me to.

------------->ginny owens, if you want me to

so tired.

i'm sad. you left, again, just like i always thought you might. i loved you. i trusted you, i let you in, let you get close to me, and you punk out on me a week after i leave. either you never really loved me at all, or you just lied about why your broke it off. i dont know what to believe. but you hurt me. i've loved you for as long as i can remember, and you knew how i felt and you just left without even SEEING me. without SPEAKING with me. it hurts so much to be left by someone who taught e so much about myself, who believed so much in who i am, and that i matter for something, that i'm full of worth and that i am a good person. to have someone who forced me to love myself just leave because they idnt love me anymore kills me. if you cant see what good is in me, when you showed it to me, how am i supposed to believe it now? i dont understand why no one is willing to fight for me. for what i have to offer someone. why i am never good enough. i feel like that, that i never measure up to what people assume i am, or that people just dont get me from the start. why no one thinks it's worth it to actually sick it out through the really hard patches to reach the goodness that's waiting afterward. i hate that i cant find anyone willing to just accept hat and take it and see that goddamnit, I MATTER. AND I AM WORTH LOVING. i'm worth fighting for. i am worth a second chance, hell, i'm worth 1,000. why doesnt anyone see that?

they see a bitter, negative bitch who hates everything and ever has anything good to say even when i'm the one in the conversation NOT making judgements about everyone i see. NOT saying something rude about every person i think of. yep--i'm the bitch. ok. you just can't see past yourself to anything else.

i feel alone all the time. and i shouldnt, i dont want to be in that place again. it was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me, to feel alone like that. i dont want that again. i cant do that again.

it drives me freaking nuts. everyone here is like, "why dont you party, why dont you ever have fun, bla bla bla." i dont need to be drunk off my ass to feel good. i'm sorry if i know myself enough to be above that, but i am. and i do. i like to think. i like to watch people. i like to observe and be quiet and listen to people and HEAR WHAT THEY SAY. i want to read, and paint, and do what makes me happy. i'm sorry if that isnt good enough for you. but that is who i am, and i dont need people amking me feel like that isnt ok. no one has the right to tell me i'm not ok, and i'm sick of hearing it. i've hear it FOREVER and if you dont like who i am, what i'm about, or how i conduct myself leave me alone and find some dumb drunk slut to hang out with. do what makes you happy, and let me do the same.

i just have such a hard time believing God hears me. i feel like whenever anything good happens, it goes away. i feel i'm constantly struggling to have faith in Him and never being sure, when it should be the other way around. i want to feel secure in my faith and in what i know in my heart is true, but it's just...i dont know. i know what's right, and usually i do the right thing. i am a good person, and you made me see that. but i dont have that closeness. that relationship. i want that and dont know how to believe in it. i dont. i just want someone to talk to, tha understands. someone who i feel comfortable with, who i know wont be angry if i call them in the middle of the night just to know someone is there and knows i'm hurting, someone who can help me. and i have some people like that, but no one here. they are all home or away.

.:you opened my eyes, you opened the door to something i'd never known before:.
------------>music of the heart

actually NOT from jen, this is my life in the extremely early, (23 minutes into it) morning

1. Name: kristina marie
2. Your nick names: nina, but only if you're related or natalie
3. birthday: february 11, 1988
4. Place of Birth:jacksonville
5. zodiac Sign: aquarius
7. Grade: c/o '10 a la SCAD
6. Male or Female : girly parts
8.school: THE savannah college of art and design
9. Occupation: life
10. Residence: jacksonville + savannah
11. Screen Name: kristinamarie211

__Your Appearence___
12. Hair Color: auburn
13. Hair Length: tiny, touches the nape of my neck
16. Height: 5'6
17. Braces?: only for 6 years, but who counted?
18. Glasses?: yes, and contacts
19. Piercings: 5 [all ears]
20. Tattoos: not as of yet. i cant decide if i want one
21. Righty or Lefty: right

___Your 'Firsts'___
22. First best friend: miss natalie anne
24. First pet: cocoa, our cat when i was 2. i named her after cocoa puffs cereal.
wheres 25?
26. First Real Vacation: no idea, probably disney when i was three and threw up on the bus to fort wilderness.
27. First kiss: christopher ryan brinkey. and it was good.

___ Favorites___
29. Movie(s): lord, umm...RENT, crash, elizabethtown
30. TV Show: house
31. Color: red
32. Rapper:haha....right. i love ee cummings though.
36. Candy: twizzler pull-n-peel, dark chocolate, red swedish fish, cotton candy
37. Sport To Play: i like lifting weights. a lot.
38. Sport To Watch: college basketball
39. Favorite brand to wear: i like tank tops and jeans and flip flops. and my new plaid shorts.
40. Store: target and old navy
41. School: savannah.the.college.of.art.and.design.that.kicks.ass
43. Book: blue like jazz [don miller]
44. Magazine:seventeen + allure

___Currently___
49. Eating: nothing, but made brownies tonight in honor of their 100th anniversary today. seriously. it was.
50. Drinking: was drinking:milk
51. Typing: this.
52. Online?: as per usual. iChat.
53. Listening To: ben folds live
54. Thinking About: moving.
55. Wanting To: hug mitchell and natalie
56. Watching: the letters appear as i type.
57. Wearing: black lace tank + men's running shorts
___Your Future___
58. Want Kids?: not most days. but i will become pregnant in the first year of marriage with twins if that's an accurate answer. it is my fate. i want boys.
59. Want to be Married?: it is my life goal. not to be married, but to find my soulmate.
60. Careers in Mind: artistic director for a magazine

__Have you ever______
81. Ran Away From Home: no, i always liked home.
82. broken a Bone: both wrists simultaneously. nice huh?
83. Got an X-ray: about a 100
84. Gone to a Concert:  a few, but Fallout Boy was my ultimate.
85. Broken Someones Heart: yes. fair is fair.
86. Turned Someone Down: yes. with good reason.
87. Cried When Someone Died: who hasn't?
88. Cried At School: yes. i'm emotional, back off.


___Do You Believe In___
89. God: yes.
90. Miracles: i believe in goodness, in people and in situations.
91. Love At First sight: only lust
92. Ghosts: i havent given it much thought.
94. Soul Mates: not one, but i believe there are peopl who match you perfectly. and there could be more than one.
95. Heaven: yes
96. Hell:yes
98. Kissing on The First Date: i havent decided. i think you should work for it, but if you worked a lot for a date at all then maybe.
99. horoscopes: not usually, they're more of a self-fulfilling prophecy if you ask me.
___Answer Truthfully___
100. Is There Someone You Want But You Know You Can't Have?: _i love mitchell. he is mine. i have him. so no._________

i'm lonely

it's 11:30. which you  can plainly see from the timestamp on this entry. [the thing i hate about my mac and journaling is that i cannot bold, italicize, nor underline anything. we all know it is a passion i have.] but moving on. moving. thats what will happen in 36 hours, give or take. i will be living somewhere else, in a different state, a new place. [i also hate this keyboard, because i have to punch extra intensely for the stupid letters to show up, and everything is spaced just differently enough for me to constantly hit the wrong letters. and, for no particular reason, i am hitting the wrong letters completely out of order anyway. fuck this. i hate it.]

but, i will be gone. i spent the whole day packing up my life in boxes, bags, crevices, spaces. it's so different from everything i thought it would be. i thought i would look around my room and have it feel empty and cold, but it doesnt. it looks relatively the same. i didnt think it would take so long though. i neglected to think of the little things i would need, like paper clips, extra lead for my mechanical pencils, socks [which sounds stupid, but i never wear them,]  my Rx allergy pills incase i get sick [which i will because it happens every year in fall--->winter like a clockwork orange (i just like the play on words,)] and extra razor blades (because i cannot simply go to the drawer and extract a new, sharp one being as the drawer containing them will be two hours away.)

my last real night with mitchell was last night. it was nice until he decided he needed to go home because he was tired and had school the next morning. and i cant blame him, but the second he said he needed to go until i was driving myself home i just cried. i cried and cried and wanted to lock him away in my car and never let him out. it's hitting me now, that i am moving away. i will no longer be within a 10- or 25-minute drive away. i will see him, although not as ofetn, and we'll still talk on the phone, but it's just so...final. so real to me now. he didnt say a word in the car  while we headed home and didnt try to comfort me, but i think he was trying to keep it together to make it easier. or at least trying to avoid the truth. i do love him. with this intensity, this strength i cant explain. it isnt even what i would call passion really, there's just this deep connection to him, between his soul and mine that is always open. he's given me so much, taught me so much about myself, helped me learn to love myself in spite of others, discover who i am and what i want, helped me grow spiritually more than probably any other person has. he's just this light in my life, and without him life was liveable, but so much more gray. without him, i dont feel whole. not in an, "i need him to make me a complete person" kind of way, but in a, "my life is enriched when he is in it," kind of way. there was, and sometimes still is, so much doubt about the future. there always will be, becasue naturally i dont know where i will end up, but the more i actually consider it, i know things will be ok. just hearing his voice is reassuring. i think he can make it, and if we can't, i'll have learned some of the most important lessons of my life from a person i will love forever, someone who can't ever leave my heart, who i will keep close to me forever.

.many waters cannot drown love.

it's hot enough to melt sand outside

tear my heart open
sew myself shut
my weakness is: I CARE TOO MUCH
the scars remind us
that athe past is real
tear my heart open just to feel

------------------->papa roach, scars

YOU CAN ONLY SAY TRUE OR FALSE...!!!!!! NO IF's AND's OR BUT'S!!!
I am a cuddler - true
I am a morning person - false
I am a perfectionist - true
I am an only child - false
I am currently in my pajamas - true
I am currently single - false
I am currently suffering from a broken heart - false
I am okay at styling other people's hair - true
I am left handed -false

I am addicted to my myspace - false
I am online 24/7, even as an away message - true
I am very shy around people I'm attracted to at first - true
I bite my nails - true
I can be paranoid at times - true

I currently regret something that I have said - true
When I get mad I curse frequently - true
I like someone - true
I enjoy country music – false
I enjoy jazz music - true
I enjoy smoothies - true
I enjoy talking on the phone - true
I have a lot to learn - true

I have a pet - true
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal - true
I have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" person - true but not currently

I have all my grandparents - true
I have at least one sibling - true
I have been told that I am smart - true
I have broken a bone - now true
I have Caller I.D. on my phone - true
I have bathed/showered with someone - true
I have changed a diaper - true

I have changed a lot over the past year - true

I have done something illegal - true
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair - false

I have had major/minor surgery - true
I have killed another person - false

I have had my hair cut within the last week - false

I have had the cops called on me - false
I have kissed someone I now realized I shouldn't have - true

 

i ammmmm a perfectionist because i started swearing in frusteration at not being able to keep this from skipping lines. ARGH. i hate computers sometimes! and not freaking being capable of typing properly.

i dont understand your heart, it's easier to be apart.

i feel so exhausted. physically, emotionally, mentally. trying to think abnout everything that has happened recently and all that is straight ahead. worrying and being afrid and reassuring and hoping--------------> it's all so much to absorb. relationships long since evaporated, ones that are dangling in thin air, close ones facing severe strain....my emotions are all over the map. i'm so afriad. the closer it gets, the more i wish i had taken the easy road. the road that says everything will be the same, that i wont have to face all these hard, difficult desicions, i wont have to fight for everything i want.

i'm so used to this; so comfortable in my life. it's routines, it's predictability, it's ease. i know i have to do this for me, and i know eventually it will be ok and i'll be glad i moved away. but for now i'm just sad. i'm sad and tired and afriad. i dont want to leave everything i know. to be alone in a strange place, without a friend nearby to talk to or a familiar face. i dont like this kind of change. i threw up every morning my first week of high school. in the end it didnt kill me; i barely escaped but i'm alive.

i dont want to be two hours away from you, to see you every few weeks and not days, to only hear your voice when you arent busy with something or another. that is what scares me most. being forgotten. i dont know why, i know i wont be---------------> i guess my insecuirty is just getting the best of me. i cant believe i cried sunday. honestly--i dont cry about sappy graduation junk. i laugh at people like that. but i did, it smacked me in the head like a Mack truck. even now i cant help it, i feel ridiculous. i'm not dying, i'm not moving to Bosnia, i'm just going to school. i cant put into words how i feel nor can i understand why. all i know is it hurts. and i know a lot about hurt, and what i know most about it is that i hate it more than anything.

it's scary when you dont recognize yourself anymore, when you get so lost that who you find isnt who you left and who you left is who you need.

cast aside, swallow pride, take a ride, suicide.

i'm so frustrated----------->just check up there. i'm so sick of being the black sheep. being gossiped about, being hated, being alienated, or ostracized, i forget which is which; you get my meaning. i didnt do anything to you. nothing. at all. and yet you go out of your way to avoid me, ignore me completely, cease all movement and signs of life when i come closer than 10 feet to you....it's abso-f*cking-lutely ridiculous. ridiculous. we were friends. and now you hate me. and i didnt do a thing to you.

and then some people now feel its their business to know everything about my personal life. this annoys me for two reasons: A. because if i wanted you to know i'd tell you without the hassel of being asked, and B. it irritates me when people ask about it only to get in on the gossip----------> they dont give a shit about anything but knowing what they can tell all their friends later. this is magnified when those people ONLY talk to you to find out about these incidents. get a life, and stop trying to get in on mine.

another thing i dont undestand is how things can go from being perfect one second, to all screwed up the next. how we can be laughing, playing, and teasing, and wham bam BAM! someone is grumpy and crabby and the whole evening is ruined. what's the reason for it? i only have a limited amount of time to spend with you anyway, why waste it by either of us getting upset over something silly? i know i still do it sometimes, but i try my best to let things roll off my back, especially now. i dont want to waste my time with you being angry, or upset. it worries me, all of this. when i leave we'll really be on edge, and i dont want that. i dont want tension surrounding this. i'll cry buckets when i leave, but i'm never really going anywhere. i'll always be where i've always been......right by your side. i've never left, even when we were apart. this will be the hardest thing i've ever done, aside from just being completely and totally seperated from you for most of last year....and i worry about it a lot. ponder it all the time. but then somehow, i always end up feeling ok. because i know we'll be ok.

i see the fire in your eyes

and i hope for the world that it never dies

i felt the softness of your inner core

all your intentions so pure and so raw

i see what you could become

i know that your doubt will be undone

and as time brings a change

there'll be no holding you back again

isolation wont be your protection:.

--------------------->the calling

 

i love discovering new music

I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn't have the strength to fight
Suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

-----------> brighter than sunshine: aqualung

soo...i think facebook is probably the single greatest invention of the last 5 years. or however long it's been. it's aweeeesome-----------> i'm finding old friends, new people from SCAD, all sorts of things.

along with finding so many other scad-bound, the clarity of the next few months has been brought into sharp focus. that my life will never be the same after i pull out of the driveway in September, that i'm taking this huge leap into the next part of my life. i'm excited because i love the school, the atmosphere, everything about college. i'm nervous because it isnt 15 minutes from my house, i'll be away from my family, friends, boyfriend, everyone i look up to. i wont know a single person there. but i'm sad to be leaving everyone behind also. there's just so much i'm actually starting to realize. i feel like everyone else has just been happy-go-lucky with this whole transition; as if i'm the only one who has stopped and given this some thought. that sounds kind of bad, and i dont mean it to, i just feel like i was so ready to leave and know i want to tap my breaks and slow things down for my last month and a half.

anyway....i'm out of things to say. except that you make me exceptionally happy. and i love you.

i don't know, i dont know you anymore.

i'm in a strange mood. i have been since i stepped into church this afternoon--or this evening i guess. [it was 6pm and all] but i dont know where it came from. i got all teary....like my eyes were watery but i wasn't crying. it was strange. i just felt quiet, a little sad but for no reason. not sad in a life threatening way--just slightly bluish in color. it's very difficult to explain because i'm not entirely sure where it came from or why.  i've had so much on my mind.

thought is so imperative--and yet at times i wish i could turn my mind off. it would leave me without the awful thoughts...i'd be free from the things that haunt me. i dont like thinking about leaving for savannah. i like thinking about savannah in general, but when i remember i must leave you [collectively] behind, it makes my heart crack just a little. i want to be there, i want to learn and to grow artistically, i want to be in the city i've grown to love; what i dont want is to be forgotten. and that's exactly how i see it: i feel as if i'll be forgotten when i leave, and i'll return to mystified faces, all trying to remember if they know me, who i am, why i'm back. it just truly makes me sad. and i know it's silly to worry about---but it's also natural i think. i'm nervous about school. i wont know anyone, and i dont mingle well in groups of strangers. let me rephrase: i don't mingle with strangers. i'll be all alone, in this place i love, learning amazing things, and i'll miss you [again, collectively] terribly.

and i'm afraid that when i leave you'll find someone easier to love. someone who isnt so far away------------>someone who is there. you'll remember all the reasons you left in the first place and you'll think to yourself, "i was right. i shouldn't be here." and that thought replaying in my mind is the closest thing to hell i can grasp. i know that you wouldnt be here with me now, after all this time, if it wasn't meant to happen. i know that. i feel it deep inside of me. but my doubt eats away at me; demons of self doubt, self hate, insecurity...they tear me up, haunt me, feed on my thoughts. they tell me i'm not good enough, you're going to see me for the awful thing i am one day, and you'll leave just like before.

when that happens i remember the night you sat me down. i was upset--feeling guilty, feeling worthless, because of who i'd hurt. and you took my hands and made me look you straight in the eyes. you told me you love me and that God loves me, and you told me i was a good person. that i was a good person. and you made me say it too. over and over. and i'll never forget that moment, ever. because thats how i know, how i remember you'll always be there. God will never let me forget that moment, if only to fend off the evil thoughts that sometimes replace it. for this, i can never thank either of you enough.

bittersweet. a friend lost, a love gained. how do you know to be happy or sad? i choose joy.

ok. so it's been a ridiculously long time. i'm ever so sorry. with tour and my wrist i've been busy. i'll be free in four days. four days. cast free...permanently. ahhhhhhh. my car calls to me everyday. she needs me. and i need her. dear God in heaven i need to get away, to be on the road and free and able to go anywhere. i miss that freedom.  i also miss the freedom to choose whcih hand i use whilst occupying the bathroom--but thats another story.

i want to say this: i know that in the last monhts i have hurt a few people. i hate that. i ruined friendships i may never be able to fix. not for lack of trying--just lack of willingness to put the past where it needs to stay: in the past. this counts for everyone. i have never been more lost, confused, alone, scared, tired, and "over it" in the last almost 9 months that i didnt know what to do with myself. but i'm ok now. I'm happier. not perfect, but happier. i dont cry anymore. not the way i did. i dont hate myself the way i used to. i'm not angry anymore. and i also understand why you left--even though it hurt--i see now why you did, and it's ok. you loved me, and you didn't want to let me down. and you never did. but you're back. you're here. and everything is out in the open. and i can breathe again. breathe so deeply--the air fills me up until i could float away.

we've said what we need to say. thanked the other for eveything. as best we could, anyhow. and there's just this weight that's been sucked up.  it;s gone--and we just have room to be. to love and to be. and i love you. i'm also afriad. afriad this is too good to be true, like i'll wake up and realize it was another dream. another dream where you wanted me back--where you said you would never leave. and i always DID wake  up, wake up to the reality that you weren't ever comming back. but then you did. and now i wonder if those dreams weren't to haunt me...what if they were to show me. what if i dreamed that dream so many times for a reason? like they were to give me hope to hold on a little longer, to wait just a few more months. i dont know...all i know is you're here---------> and that's all i ever wanted.

You'll never know
What you've done for me
What your faith in me
Has done for my soul...

You'll never know
The gift you've given me..
I'll carry it with me

Everywhere I go
I think of where I've been

And of the one who knew me better
Than anyone ever will again

i can take a few tears now and then and just let em out...you said it was ok to cry

last night was so unexcpected. there was a clarity to it. we talked, you told me exactly what i needed to hear-----and you didnt even know you did it. i used to be so angry. so angry all the time---->bitter. bitter that this thing had been taken away from me, so mad that my little piece of heaven was ripped from under me. i shouldnt hae been left out in  the cold, i never wanted to leave--never wanted you to go. but it happened and it was brutal. for me. and for you. things i never knew. things left unsaid for so long...you've given me more than i could ever imagine. you've given me everything, and i hope i can--or have somewhat--repaid you for all that you are. you've given me the chance to heal. the opportunity to understand. a little bit of closure. only God could tell you what you've meant. i could never find the words. thank you for opening my heart and my eyes.

something unusual, something strange come from nothing at all

there's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth

still a little bit of you laced with my doubt

it's still a little hard to say whats going on

 

there's still a little bit of your ghost, your witness

still a little bit of your face i havent kissed

you step a little closer each day, so close that i cant say whats going on...

 

there's still a little bit of your song in my ear

still a little bit of your words i long to hear

you step a little closer to me, so close that i cant see whats going on...

 

stones taught me to fly

love taugh me to cry

so come on courage----->teach me to be shy

cuz it's not hard to fall, and i dont want to scare her

it's not hard to fall, and i dont want to lose

it's not hard to grow, when you know that you just dont know

this will probably end up getting deleted, and if not--it probably should have been

i have begun about 4 entires over the past few days; none have survived. i have no motivation to complete anything. not to finish my self portrait, not to finish cleaning up my room, not to finish this entry. i just dont care. that isnt good.

i just got a massive dose of lotion in my eye-----> no, that doesnt sound painful, but it is. it's deceiving in all its silkiness. dumb lotion. now i have to squint one-eyed at the screen whilst i type three-fingeredly whilst i tap all other keys with my two, count them two, casts. and you wonder why i dont want to finish this. it sounds elementary in its capabilities, does it not?

i just realized i used several large and rarely spoken words in that paragraph. i love using words you dont hear often, or words that just sound nice. superscilious, stoic <------my personal favorite, flabbergasted, gellatinous, perspicacity, quixotic, modulate, salacious, whisp, tenacious. words like that. i love words. and i sound like a super nerd so i'm going to discontinue this rant.

all this randomocity is hurting my brain. i must sound like lewis caroll after an opium trip. i'm leaving now, goodbye to all my lovelies. pray i get some sanity back.

i just dont know anymore, and i cant say or do the things i want to. why?

i dont know anymore. i dont know how i feel, and even if i did--i wouldnt be able to tell you. i'm so guarded. i'm so afraid of being hurt. even if i knew what i wanted to say or not say to you, i dont know if i could...because if i did you could either reject it, or you could accept it. rejecting it would only cut off this whoel thing. accepting it means you have the power to hurt me. so much power. it isnt so much that i'm afraid you specifically are going to hurt me, it's that i cant deal with it again. i've never been in a relationship that has ended amicably. never. i've always been hurt. and most recently, i have been hurt for 8 months. 8 months. 8 months. thats most of a year. most of a year i died. most of a year i couldnt breathe too deeply. most of a year i just wanted to give up and quit and give in. most of a year i couldnt go a day without crying for.

 

keep me as happy as i am. you always ask me what i want. thats what i want.

Getting to like this feeling i've found, i will never let you down

"Walk On"------> U2

And love
It's not the easy thing
The only baggage
That you can bring
Not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
Before the second you turn back
Oh no, [be strong]

Walk on
Walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it<---------

Walk on
Walk on
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place
None of us has been
A place that has to be believed
To be seen

You could have flown away
A singing bird
In an open cage
Who will only fly
Only fly for freedom

Walk on
Walk on
What you got
You can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it

Walk on
Walk on
Stay safe tonight

---------->And I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
You can only take so much<--------

Walk on
Walk on

Home
Hard to know what it is
If you never had one

Home
I can't say where it is
But I know I'm going

Home
That's where the hurt is

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind

All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break

All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind

All that you reason
All that you care

It's only time
And I'll never fill up all my mind (??)

All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
And all that you scheme

All you create
All that you wreck
All that you hate

breathing in lighting, tonight's for fighting, feel the hurt, so physical

there's a lot i want to say to you. let's start with this: the only thing i did wrong here was not tell you right off the bat what was going on. and i am sorry i didnt--i should have but i was afriad of hurting you. do you understand that? i didnt want to hurt you, so we figured letting you have a little time to move on would be best. we were wrong, and i admit that. but dont feed me this "we dont give a shit about your feelings" crap because we ALL know that is ridiculous. thats all we've been considering in this whole affair.

you need to understand something. you can push me away all you fucking want, i dont really care. but i'm going to love you anyway. so stop making excuses. i know what i did may have indirectly caused you some pain, but it had nothing to do with YOU. this isnt about you. this is about me finally, for the first time in my whole entire life, doing something i wanted to do. it's about me finally taking a leap of faith and doing somehting that will make me happy. i almost passed up this opportunity so i wouldnt hurt you--but i cant live for you. i have to live for me. and i feel selfish for it, but it's what we all have to do. it isnt like anyone was cheating on anyone, like anyone was committing any outlandish crime--so stop laying on the guilt.

i dont want to hear you hate me. that does nothing for me, or you. you're pissed off because someone else got what you wanted. i completely understand how you feel, because like it or not, believe it or not, i know exactly how you feel because it's been done to me 4 times. so yes--as a matter of fact....i do know precisely how you feel. it hurts, it hurts a whole damn lot. but you also have to stop for a second and think about the situation realistically. i've been telling you for months and months that something like this was bound to happen, that one of you was bound to move on and you would realize that there was someone else you could actually be happy with--i just never thought in a million years i would be involved. it isnt like this has been a long running thing--it's been like a two-to-three week long thing. thats it...so all that advice i gave you months and months ago was unbiased. it was true and real. it had nothing to do with me wanting what was "yours."

and that's just it--you act as if i sat down and tried to figure out the best way to stick it to you, like i wanted to figure out how to hurt you the most. thats bullshit. i love you. i care about you. i dont fucking want you to end up hating yourself or feeling like you arent good enough. do you even understand how much i worry about you? do you have any idea the fear i feel when i think of you? I DONT WANT YOU TO END UP LIKE I AM. thats it. i dont; i dont want you living your life to please everyone else, i dont want you to ignore your own needs, to feel insignificant, to feel unloved, to feel alone and sad and uncared for, to feel like you dont matter because you matter to me damnit. you do.

another point of particular interest....why the hell are you looking at someone else's text messages? how is that any of your buisness? really...how is it? it really doesnt matter, its a juvenile thing to care about anyway. but all this "no one cares about me or how i feel or how hurt i am" crap is just not true and you know that it isnt. you know that people love you. you know it. we, BOTH OF US, feel awful that you got hurt. we both care about you.  you know that i'm sorry you got hurt--that kills me. the fact that i let you down, someone i know looked up to me so much, the fact that i disappointed you so badly absolutely rips my heart out. that i let someone else down--that i have failed again, that again i have not been good enough, perfect enough, brave enough....that kills me. i HATE that you got hurt in this process. but this isnt about you. no matter how bad i feel about hurting and disappointing you, i'm still glad i did it because i know that eventually you'll be able to heal. you may still "hate" us both--but you'll move on eventually. you'll be ok. you're a tough bitch. you'll survive. and when you do, i'll still have made a decision that has made me happy too. i cant pass up my happiness so that i can please everyone. you cant always please everyone.

i want you to read this again. go back and reread this. you need to hear this. i love you. and you need to know that. no matter how you feel about me, i love you and i hope that one day you'll figure out that, and believe in it again.

that girl used to be me, and that isnt who i am anymore

--------> i borrowed this from a girl i still see as beautiful and amazing. a girl that i hope can see past the pain i and others have handed to her, and find the glittering person longing to break free. this is for the girl i see so much of who i used to be in, and for the girl i pray finds her strength and happiness in herself and her faith, not in how any other person sees her. because in the end, all you've got is you, and your opinion of yourself is the only one you can control. this is for you lovely, and i hope you can see exactly what i mean someday...

This is for the girl who has tried everything in her power to make you see yourself as she sees you.
This is for her... the one who relates every sad song, book, or movie to the way she feels about you.
This is for the girl who knows your flaws and values them as much as she does your strong points.
This is for the girl who still cant bring herself to hate you
Although you probably deserve it
This is for her the one girl who had the courage to give you her entire heart, knowing full well that you would only abuse it.
This is for the girl who realizes that all of her efforts are in vain, but cares so much about you that she still manages not to regret a single moment spent with you. She realizes that she will never have your heart, but she will carry the image of you inside of hers forever.
This is for that girl
she still cries herself to sleep, but lets you think shes okay just so you dont have to feel a bit of guilt. This is the girl who sees in you everything you can not see yourself. She sees everything that you can be, and everything that you already are. She sees all of this and she loves you anyway, even though you cant love her back.
This is for her.
she deserves it...

*mdp: there will always be a minute and tiny piece of me that will always see you this way. you meant something to me, gave me something i can't ever repay you for. all of it led to me finding myself, you led me to me, and for that i could never love you more. but you wont control me anymore--you will not steal my joy away from me a day longer. i hope one day you can understand how i feel, and maybe you'll realize what you gave away.

i love this

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                    i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

 

--ee cummings

What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...

mmm, the past week has been lovely. you've helped me move on, you've opened my eyes. i can now see what being happy is like again. i can see where i'm going, and where i've longed to be. "i'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete." you make me feel good about myself. beautiful. like what i've always known about myself but never believed is actually true: i have value. priceless.

.:and maybe, you're gunna be the one that saves me:.

--wonderwall---->oasis

 

 

oh i'm bored. and i miss you.

How spoiled am I?

Do you have:
(1) your own cell phone
(2) a television in your bedroom
(3) an MP3 player
(4) a photo printer
() your own phone line
(5) TiVo or a generic digital video recorder
(6) high-speed Internet access
() a surround sound system in bedroom
(7) DVD player in bedroom
(8) at least a hundred DVDs
(9) a childfree bathroom
(10) your own in-house office
() a pool
() a guest house
() a game room
(11) a queen-size bed or larger
(12) a stocked bar
(13) a working dishwasher
(14) an icemaker
(15) a working washer and dryer
() more than 20 pairs of shoes
() at least ten things from a designer store haha...ten
() expensive sunglasses
() framed original art (not lithographs or prints)
() Egyptian cotton sheets or towels
() a multi-speed bike
() a gym membership
(16) large exercise equipment at home
() your own set of golf clubs
() a pool table
() a tennis court
(17) local access to a lake, large pond, or the sea
() your own pair of skis
(18) enough camping gear for a weekend trip in an isolated area
() a boat
() a jet ski
() a neighborhood committee membership
() a beach house or a vacation house/cabin
() wealthy family members
(19) two or more family cars again with confusion..we have 3 but there are 4 of us?
(20) a walk-in closet or pantry
(21) a yard
() a hammock
() a personal trainer
(22) good credit
() expensive jewelry
() a designer bag that required being on a waiting list to get
() at least $100 cash in your possession right now
() more than two credit cards bearing your name (not counting gas cards or debit cards)
() a stock portfolio
() a passport
() a horse
() a trust fund (either for you or created by you)
() private medical insurance
() a college degree and no outstanding student loans

this is getting rediculous...

Do you:
() shop for non-needed items for yourself (like clothes, jewelry, electronics) at least once a week
() do your regular grocery shopping at high-end or specialty stores
() pay someone else to clean your house, do dishes, or launder your clothes (not counting dry-cleaning)
() go on weekend mini-vacations
() send dinners back with every flaw
(23) wear perfume or cologne (not body spray)
() regularly get your hair styled or nails done in a salon
() have a job but don't need the money
() stay at home with little financial sacrifice
() pay someone else to cook your meals
() pay someone else to watch your children or walk your dogs
() regularly pay someone else to drive you (not taxis)
() expect a gift after you fight with your partner

Are you:
() an only child
() married/partnered to a wealthy person
() baffled/surprised when you don't get your way


Have you:
(24) been on a cruise
(25) traveled out of the country
() met a celebrity
(26) been to the Caribbean
() been to Europe
() been to Hawaii
(27) been to New York.
() eaten at the space needle in Seattle
() been to the Mall of America
() been on the Eiffel tower in Paris
(28) been on the Statue of Liberty in New York
() moved more than three times because you wanted to
() dined with local political figures
(29) been to both the Atlantic coast and the Pacific coast


Did you:
() go to another country for your honeymoon
() hire a professional photographer for your wedding or party
(30) take riding or swimming lessons as a child
(31) attend private school
(32) have a Sweet 16 birthday party thrown for you.

Total: 32

SORheads...food, fun, and sun. ahhhh

Ahhhh, SORHeads. Never miss an opportunity to attend. it was fabulous. WHo knew skimboarders were A.) so prevalent. and B.) so gorgeous. : ) Never seen a rear that beautiful in my life. Probably never will again. wheeew. thanks to everyone: b-rye, min-dawg, nat-dizz, mel, chadwick, danny boy, and barbarian, for making it an amazing trip. i adore you. (chad: i'll be sure to photoshop you out sooner or later. lol)

happiness. it's strange. it's new. this alive feeling i have. you've given me this fun, alive feeling. you put a smile on my face, and a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart. We belong--it just feels right. yes, there are some obstacles, and i was afraid. they almost kept me from giving this gift to myself. i dont want anyone to get hurt, although i know they will....but i'm doing this for me. not them. for myself. to give myself a piece of happiness i've been depriving myself of for too long. it absolutely kills me that in the process i'll hurt another person, but at the same time, i deserve happiness. right now, here in this moment, this is my time to shine. and i deserve it. i care about you so much, and i cant wait to spend this time with you. you've always been there for me--no matter what was happening or what you were going through, you always listened. you always cared. and i cant ever explain how much your friendship, and now your affections, mean to me. you taught me to take my own advice--i needed that. thanks for making me shine again.

-------> and to another "you": i hope you know none of this is intentional, that i'm not doing this to cause anyone pain, and that although i know it kills you--i need this. i love you so dearly, the last thing i want is to give you grief, but, this is right. saying you'll understand later doesnt help you and i know that--but it's true. i just hope i dont cause you to lose faith in me, or to lose the trust you have for me. i truly love and care about you, but i need this and i'm tired of living my life for others instead of myself. for once--painful as it will be for you, and in turn me--i'm doing this for myself. i hope one day you'll be able to understand, and to forgive me. i want to see your smile again, and i want you to be as happy as i know i'm making myself.

.:as painful and scary as it is, live this life for you. you dont want to look back one day and realize you've missed all the dreams you've held onto for so long:.

heh...oh life. bittersweet is the flavor of the week, is it not?

I know you've been sworn
I read your complaint
you're needing someone older
and though I've been warned to live day by day
there's something taking over

did you expect to kiss me one time
while looking at me with the same eyes ever again?
so come on and face it
so come on and face it
it's time that we say it

you can cross the line whenever you want to
I'm calling it love soon
close your mind and waste some time if you have to
I'm calling it love soon
it's not about you now
it's what we are

your mother complains that you need a man
you haven't mentioned me yet
and all of your friends don't know who I am
I've been your best kept secret

I understand I wasn't part of the plan
a dollar short, a minute early
but I am your man
so come on and face it
so come on and face it
it's time that we say it

you can cross the line whenever you want to
I'm calling it love soon
close your mind and waste some time if you have to
I'm calling it love soon
it's not about you now
it's what we are

let's bypass the bullshit and move on because
the minute hand moves faster than you think it does
and by no fault of yours and by no fault of mine
the bottom line is laying in the bed that we've been playing in tonight

you can cross the line whenever you want to
I'm calling it love soon
close your mind and waste some time if you have to
I'm calling it love soon
it's not about you now
it's what we are

--john mayer:love soon

la la la

1. Your name spelled backwards?
anitsirk
2. Last incoming call on your phone?

philip
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
john mayer songs: victoria + comfortable
4. What's your favorite restaurant?

anything italian. mmm.
5. Last time you swam in a pool?
errr....excellent question. the last time i recall is mitchell's birthday in july, but i'm sure there was a more recent occurence.
6. [HEY, WHERE'D NUMBER 6 GO?!]
7. How many kids do you want?
i dont see myself wanting any, but i want a boy if i end up poppin' 'em out.
8. Type of music you dislike most?

vulgar rap music. like "i'm in love wit a stripper" <<<<WHAT THE HECK???? cool song guys. not.
9. [MIA]
10. Do you have cable?dish?
DirecTV all the way--TiVo is heaven sent.
11. Have you ever ridden on a bike?
no, i dont know how to ride a bike. yes, i am alos 18 years old. i realize this is a major taboo. kiss my butt.
12. Ever made a prank phone call?
not that i recall..i was never that bored. i had real friends to call.
13. Closest friends?

patrick, natalie, philip, catlin, kelly, caroline, brookie
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?

BOTH...hell yes i would sucka.
15. Furthest place you ever traveled?

i guess canada..but mexico, cali, and the bahamas too.
16. Do you have a garden?
no--do i look like martha stewart to you?
17. What's your favorite comic strip?

i dont read them.
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
no--i wont lie.
19. Bath or Shower?

showers--baths are nasty. who really enjoys sitting in their own cruddied up water?
20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
Pride and Prejudice. ahhhh. and RENT
21. Favorite pizza toppings?

pepperoni and mushrooms. but not together. one or the other.
22. Chips or popcorn?
chips....mmm
23. What kind of lipgloss do you usually wear?
i've broekn up with my cherry chapstick and rebounded on Aveeno
24. What did your last text message say?
where are you
25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?

are you joking?
26. Orange Juice or apple?
apple.
27. Who were the last people you went out to dinner with?
my family, about 2 hours ago
28. What did the last text message that you sent say?
that was kinda bad
29. [29 HAS BEEN ELIMINATED FROM THIS ROUND]
30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
probably never.
31. Have you ever won a trophy?
no--cant say i have
32. Are you a good cook?
yes...but i like baking more.
33. Do you know how to pump your own gas?

you have to be moronic to not to know that.
34. [AGAIN, WHERE ARE YOU?]
35. Sprite or 7-Up?
coke.
36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school?

only since i was 6
37. Last thing you ate?

chicken parm
38. Ever thrown up in public?
no, i dont think so.
39. Would you rather find true love or be a millionaire?
love wins.
40. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no. i dont.
41. [I DON'T THINK WE REALLY HAVE 52 QUESTIONS HERE]
42. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
 uhhh...i think my daddy actually.
43. [EITHER SOMEONE CAN'T COUNT...]
44. Who was the last person you sent a text message to?
philip
45. [...OR SOMEONE'S BEEN DELETING]
46. Who was the last person you kissed?
mitchell
47. Who is the second to last person to call you?
who cares? but i think it was philip
48. Is there anything going on this weekend?
only SORheads!!!
49. What are you doing tonight?
talking to patrick. and filling this out.
50. What do you think about most?

why i dont love myself, and why other people do. and why God is silent.
51. Who is MOST likelyto repost this survey?
no idea, but jennifer was right on the money picking me.
52. Morning or night?

night. hello. no brainer.