i'm in a strange mood. i have been since i stepped into church this afternoon--or this evening i guess. [it was 6pm and all] but i dont know where it came from. i got all teary....like my eyes were watery but i wasn't crying. it was strange. i just felt quiet, a little sad but for no reason. not sad in a life threatening way--just slightly bluish in color. it's very difficult to explain because i'm not entirely sure where it came from or why. i've had so much on my mind.
thought is so imperative--and yet at times i wish i could turn my mind off. it would leave me without the awful thoughts...i'd be free from the things that haunt me. i dont like thinking about leaving for savannah. i like thinking about savannah in general, but when i remember i must leave you [collectively] behind, it makes my heart crack just a little. i want to be there, i want to learn and to grow artistically, i want to be in the city i've grown to love; what i dont want is to be forgotten. and that's exactly how i see it: i feel as if i'll be forgotten when i leave, and i'll return to mystified faces, all trying to remember if they know me, who i am, why i'm back. it just truly makes me sad. and i know it's silly to worry about---but it's also natural i think. i'm nervous about school. i wont know anyone, and i dont mingle well in groups of strangers. let me rephrase: i don't mingle with strangers. i'll be all alone, in this place i love, learning amazing things, and i'll miss you [again, collectively] terribly.
and i'm afraid that when i leave you'll find someone easier to love. someone who isnt so far away------------>someone who is there. you'll remember all the reasons you left in the first place and you'll think to yourself, "i was right. i shouldn't be here." and that thought replaying in my mind is the closest thing to hell i can grasp. i know that you wouldnt be here with me now, after all this time, if it wasn't meant to happen. i know that. i feel it deep inside of me. but my doubt eats away at me; demons of self doubt, self hate, insecurity...they tear me up, haunt me, feed on my thoughts. they tell me i'm not good enough, you're going to see me for the awful thing i am one day, and you'll leave just like before.
when that happens i remember the night you sat me down. i was upset--feeling guilty, feeling worthless, because of who i'd hurt. and you took my hands and made me look you straight in the eyes. you told me you love me and that God loves me, and you told me i was a good person. that i was a good person. and you made me say it too. over and over. and i'll never forget that moment, ever. because thats how i know, how i remember you'll always be there. God will never let me forget that moment, if only to fend off the evil thoughts that sometimes replace it. for this, i can never thank either of you enough.
