better

up until lunch today, i've been better since my last entry. yesterday was a particularly good day--except i sounded like a dying cat at praise band, but besides that--it was good. sunshine, not to hot, maroon 5...those are the ingredients for a good day, let me tell you. i got the paper printed out and mailed too which is good--out of my hair for a week. i really enjoy doing it, it just takes so stinking long sometimes.

Anyways, like i said, until lunch, today was good. actually lunch was good too...tomato soup in the sunshine. but i got a killer headache smack in the second half of algebra and it never went away. needless to say i had no medication to dope up on...then i got cramps and my mouth had been killing me all day. blah...but i took 4 motrin and went to the ortho so i'm good to go.

i got a new Seventeen mag today, Ashlee Simpson is on the cover...surpisingly enough...ahem ahem.....nothing has been good inside thus far. i dont like her. she moans like a bloated chik-a-dee.

--Life is God's novel. Let Him write it." Isaac Bashevis Singer--

ARGHHH!

ARGGHHHH! i am so angry. angry. ANGRY. ANGRY!!  i havent had internet in two days and have needed it to check email for a few things, the stupid idiotic computer wasnt working worth jack CRAP today, and i've successfully been in the worst mood of my life for the L O N G E S T time frame ever. i'm sick of it; i'm bored with my life, every single solitary aspect of my dumb stupid life. i dont even know why. i mean there's not even anything particulalry wrong with it other than daily inconviniences..i just hate it. i'm bored with the people in my life, the routine i have, the surroundings, the smells, the having to pee in the roach-infested bathroom outside....all of it. i'm not happy with myself at all...i have less self esteem than what i want for myself, and i cant get past critiqueing everything about myself, my every feature, aspect of my character....whatever. i hear myself say rude things and immediately regret it but its like sometimes i cant even help it. i wish i could just be satisfied with who i am, accept myself, and learn how to snap out of my self-inflicted drearyness. i just wish there was somethingi could do to make myself happier right now--i keep thinking this is some weird week phase i'm going through, that i'll snap out of it...but its been two weeks...and i havent. i just dont know what to do.

--I cry out to the Lord, I plead for the Lord's mercy. I pour out my complaints before Him and tell Him all my troubles. For I am overwhelmed and you alone know the way I should turn. Wherever I go, my enimies have set traps for me. I look for someone to come and help me, but no one gives me a passing thought! Then I pray to You O Lord. I say, "You are my place for refuge. You are all I really want in life. Hear my cry, for I am very low. Rescue me from my persecutors, for they are too strong for me. Bring me out of prison so I can thank you. The godly will crowd around me, for you treat me kindly.
--Psalm 142--

ugh

i really just dont care about anyone or anything at the moment

i dont care about being all mushy, i dont care about sentiment...i've never been a touchy-feely, lovey-dovey, i cant live without you lets be all cheesey and look retarted kind of girl. i'm sorry if thats not ok. i really am not ormantic...i mean deep inside somewhere i am but it doesnt come out like practically ever so we just need to learn how to deal ok.

i dont feel like anything. i dont see this as anything. i dont see myself as anything...i drift from class to class, watching, listening, not speaking almost all day and everyday...i just dont care for the people i have to be around everyday--they arent like me and they arent my style. sorry if i'm weird because i would rather sit in class when theres nothing to do and read a book than gossip about how drunk karen got at tim's party and how many lines of coke jeff snorted or how many times reid had sex. i'm not really sorry---i'm better off. i just dont give a damn about it so deal with it and if it bugs you--then leave me alone, because even if it didnt i still dont like you.

 

--i dont know what i've done to get myself here

i cant see the way you live like you do

i dont see my answer comming in clear

so if oyu hear me, please dont delay

my problems, they cant go away

this feeling cant ever be through,

until i've found You...until i've found You.--

cafe vanilla sky

Tell me just what you want me to be
One kiss and boom you're the only one for me
So please tell me why don't you come around no more
Cause right now I'm crying outside the door of your candy store

It just takes a little bit of this
A little bit of that
It started with a kiss
Now we're up to bat
A little bit of laughs
A little bit of pain
I'm telling you, my babe
It's all in the game of love

This, whatever you make it to be
Sunshine set on this cold lonely sea
So please baby try and use me for what I'm good for
It ain't sayin' goodbye
It's knocking down the door of your candy store

It's all in this game of love
You roll me
Control me
Console me
Please hold me
You guide me
Divide me
Into what...

Make me feel good, yeah

So please tell me why don't you come around no more
Cause right now I'm dying outside the door of your loving store

It's all in this game of love
It's all in the game of love
Yeah, in the game of love

Roll me
Control me
Please hold me
(make me feel good, yeah)

for we see with our eyes, and give with our hands, but do we truly love with all our hearts?

i'm in a weird mood. i had a great day. but i dont feel right; something is off-key and i'm not sure what it is.

I'm really liking the monday studies we're doing...it sheds light on things i never would have come up with on my own--a new perspective on rules i've been taught since a was little. it makes me understand and WANT to follow them instead of just knowing what they are.

busy busy busy! school is insane...its not overwhelming but a lot more than i've had in the past...like it forces you to work hard or you'll never pass. so i'm working hard....and HOPING i pass. bleh.

 

--You are like a private garden, my treasure, my bride! Yu are like a spring that no one else can drink from, a fountain of my own.-- Song of Solomon 4:12

leaves of grass

I AM HE THAT ACHES WITH LOVE. I AM he that aches with amorous love; Does the earth gravitate? Does not all matter,
         aching, attract all matter?
So the Body of me, to all I meet, or know.

 

walt whitman

all dolled up

today was a surprise. i was at the grandma's showering because the plumbing is out, and i go to look for her and g-pa to say goodbye, and then...this is c-r-azy....paw paw gave me a HUG. not i gave him one, HE gave ME a hug. for the record....we have hugged three times in the reccollection of my lifetime. once was after this  year's homecomming concert. i was the one who hugged him. so this is a huge deal for me. it totally made my shine inside. props for paw paw.

and for the record...i have the best friends in the world. i can say the sillyest thing ever and people say things like htis to me:  TropicChik136 [10:08 PM]:  ahhh kristina u know i love you this ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- much  

isnt that just the nicest ever? it makes my day whe people like that say cute things to me...(EDITOR'S NOTE: i got a nice one from natalie too but i deleted it on accident. and i love tara hess.)

**By the way--sorry for the lack of journalism for the past few days....kristina has been a busy girl...hobbling around RTU, making t-shirts, hugging grandpas....let me tell you! :) i'll try to keep more regular--maybe i'll feed my comupter some medimucil.

--"What I tell you now in the darkness, shout abroad when daybreak comes. What I whisper in your ears, shout from the housetops for all to hear!" Matthew 10:27--

just call me anne landers...

i just saw The Notebook for the third time today. you know how you see a movie and everytime you get a little less interested? not so. i love this movie. i get excited about it everytime. rachel mcadams is still the most beautiful woman in the world next to audrey hepburn.

i keep really wanting to write a good, long, wordy journal about something of interest. nothing good has come to me yet. i'll try to make it a good one soon.

tiffany's has the best breakfasts

ok well i cant get my picture to come up so...oh well

cool weather meets a warm array of color

i love rain. i woke up in the middle of the night and heard it pouring like nothing else outside, it was great.its such a soothing sound, hearing rain tap the roof. i love it.

and i love my room. i dunno, its been so dull and grey outside and i can walk in here and feel rejuvinated. the bright yellow walls and the reds, oranges, yellows, and pinks of my duvet and sheets, my pink post its, my sherbert wallet from vera....it all ties in out of pure coincidence, a beautifully happy, bright, cheerful coincidence.

try Crest's new vanilla toothpaste...it sounds really weird, but its really good. i reccomend it--its amazing!

cat eyes and knit sweaters

its been a long few days. i've been so so tired lately, i dont know whats wrong. i want to get the new vanilla toothpaste...isnt that cool or what. someone called me at 8:45 this morning...i wanted to cry. i need to sleep more. the beach will be nice considering the lovely weather headed in our nor'easterly direction.

 

--Safety and happiness can only come from indiviuals, classes, and nations being honest and fair and kind to each other.-- C.S. Lewis

just because it has an eye doesnt make it a human

frances is stupid, we havent had a hurricaine hit in forty years, thats not changing this weekend. one JUST hit us, God's not that lame, we arent getting a one-two punch. i'm not worried about it at all.

dark chocolate kisses are the best. eat more.

i love my new green pants--but i really wish they had had my black pointy heels with the pink ribbons, thats what i went to buy---argh things like that anger me. oh well, the pants are hot, so says my lover.

ok so i bought that clearasil crazy fast working acne stuff thats supposed to clear up your face in three days---my face was being very naughty...i look gross....anywho so yesterday morning was day three, and what do i find on my face instead of clear skin? TWO new zits....2! how gay is that? i know...its bad. ugh whatever i am so over pimples i could cry.

 

--Stop. Collaborate and listen, Ice is back with my brand new invention. Something grabs a hold of me tightly, flow like a harpoon daily and nightly, will it ever stop? YO, i dont know, turn out the lights and i'll glow. to the extreme i rock the mic like a vandal....--