well, i was.

i was goig to write.

now i'm going to WRITE. in my book. from the beautiful tara. i just reread the note you wrote, from my birthday 3 years ago, almost exactly. hm. that really was one of the best gifts i ever got. no matter what happened...i'll love you for that. and for everything else.

so i'm going to write about things you dont need to know about. namely, someone you dont need to know about. thats for me, and its a blessing.

"I want you, I need you/But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you"

that pretty much sums up how you seem to view me.

i love Mae. ad i love this song.

Drowning, just as fast as I can.
But don't throw me a line,
don't reach out your hand.
Cause, I'm on the brink of something beautiful
and I want to sing about it,
but I don't know where to begin.
Write it in a letter,
but the words don't come out right.
Trying to explain how nobody can do me like.
You don't understand how helpless I can get
Since the day that we met.
Oh can you feel it yet?

It's never been more perfect being alive
I've never been so satisfied. Oh...

I could feel something different for the first time
Heaven made sense and all the words rhymed.
.:No chance of stopping now. I'm taking it all:.
And now I'm caught in the air, its a good glide.
Pass it up, wouldn't dare what a wild ride.
I remember being ready and waiting to fall
just like I did tonight.

Spinning around and around
Until my left was my right and up became down.
With just one look you knocked me off of my feet.
So unable to speak. Oh how you made me weak.
Though it was a while ago, I still can recall.
That moment so ready, and waiting to fall.
Can you take me back in time
remembering when you captured my heart?
Over and over again.

It's never been more perfect being alive
I've never been so satisfied. Oh...

I could feel something different for the first time
Heaven made sense and all the words rhymed.
No chance of stopping now. I'm taking it all.
And now I'm caught in the air, its a good glide.
Pass it up, wouldn't dare what a wild ride.
I remember being ready and waiting to fall
just like I did tonight.

Ready and waiting to fall...

---------------->ready and waiting.:.mae.

R. J. R.

i should be cleaning. but i'm not.


i've never in my life been so excited about a phone call. it will be a very long day. but with the fam around it will at least be fun while i wait.

smiling? thats all i do anymore.

so. reading velvet elvis by rob bell. its pretty great. so far its competeing pretty heavily with my favorite book Blue Like Jazz. thats a weighty statement too. not just any book gets that sort of recognition

so i'm reading and this passage comes up:

[pause, let me preface this a bit. he compares faith to jumping on a trampolene. he talks about the springs and how in faith the springs are statements that are flexible, things about faith that help us understand God but dont define things absoutely, because with God nothing is set in stone--they are a means, not and end. we take them seriously, but keep them in perspective. then he starts talking about how some people act as if their faith is like a brick wall--each brick being a core doctrine, and if you question one, proverbially pull out on brick from the wall, the whole thing wil crumble..so here we go]

"This truth clicked for me last Friday in a new way. Somebody showed me a letter from the president of a large smeinary who is raising money to help him train leaders who will defend Christianity. The letter went on about the desperate need for defense of the true faith. What disturbed me was the defensive psoture of the letter, which reflects one of the things that happens in brickworld: you spend a lot of time talking about how right you are. Which of course leads to how wrong everyone else is. Which then leads to defending the wall. It struck me reading the letter that you rarely defend a trampolene. You invite people to jump on it with you.

I am far more interested in jumping than I am in arguing about whose trampolene is better. You rarely defend the things you love. You enjoy them and tell others about them nd invite others to enjoy them with you.

Have you ever seen soeone pull out a photo from their wallet and argue about the supremacy of this particular loved one? Of course not. They show you the picture and give you the opportunity to see what they see."

i love that. i think thats more profound than most things I've ever heard from people talking about faith. because a lot of christians use their faith like a sheild, deflecting doubts and questions, protecting themselves from harm, when you should be opening your arms and welcoming in the vast human race. you cant share the true God with anyoe when all you do is make people feel like they aren't living a good enough life, aren't good enough christians, aren't good enough FOR GOD. because we all are. You share God when you give people a chance to make mistakes, to question God, and to find Him in their own way, to love Him in their own time, to let Him truly know them. thats when the Jesus magic happens.

i finally feel like i am seeing You for the first time, its been such a long, loooong road, its been dark at times, its been scary. but i found You. Youve been waiting for me this whole time, patiently waiting for me to find my own way. and letting me come to You. and that is beautiful.

that is what loving God is really about.


"...Jesus invites everyone to jump, its an invitation to follow Jesus with all of our doubts and questions right there with us."

so can we?

We cant play this game anymore
But can we still be friends
Things just cant go on like before
But can we still be friends
We had something to learn
Now its time for the wheel to turn
Grains of sand, one by one
Before you know it, all gone

Lets admit we made a mistake
But can we still be friends
Heartbreaks never easy to take
But can we still be friends
Its a strange, sad affair
Sometimes seems like we just dont care
Dont waste time feeling hurt
Weve been through hell together

Can we still get together sometime
You know life will still go on and on and on

We awoke from our dream
Things are not always what they seem
Memories linger on
Its like a sweet, sad old song

----------------->todd rundgren

the sunshine is back my dear.

[	mood	|	happy	]
[	music	|	Sunglasses At Night by Corey Hart	]

I'm so happy that my sunshine and I are talking again.

I missed her.
<3

i wish that were actually true, and i didnt feel like you wanted to murder me every time i walked by you. i wonder if you realize that yes, you hurt me by hating me and spreading it around to everyone you know, but that your hurting yourself so much more? no one can survive being consumed with so much hate. it isnt what God intended.

i really feel like this is a new begining. i feel like a new book is being opened, fresh and clean white pages, unfilled and undiscovered. i have no future, but the hope for it is so grand. no one has told me what i will be or what i can do, only God and i can decide that. and it hurts to see someone i loved and was so close to so full of hate bt i cant change that, you are who you are and you've chosen what you've chosen...and i cant alter it. so i'm going to hold my head up and live my new beautiful life, and try to remember that i did everything i could to reconcile. i dont want to waste another second of my time being sad about you. so i'm going to remind myself every day that i have someone worth living for...myself. and other people that hold me up, keep me moving, make me smile with their lame jokes :), and i have You to turn to in my times of confusion, and You wont ever leave me or lead me astray. i feel like i'm finally finding out who You really are and what that means for my life. that we are making amends, well, I am making amends, You never left me. and i love You for that.

i can see You up ahead, i can almost see the lines on Your face.

"all of You is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need. You satisfy me with Your love, and all i have in You is more than enough."

barlowgirl.

time for a retraction

math is NOT great. i've never met such an incompitent teacher in my whole life. how he ever got hired is amazing to me. if you cant even ONCE copy a problem correctly from the book onto the board, consistently come up with the incorrect answer on problems, cant answer questions, cant even GRADE homework when you have an ANSWER KEY..i'm sorry, you shouldn't be a professor. you suck and i cant stand you.

besides math life is good. i'm doing my best to laugh at you and your ridiculous need to hate, getting over my cough finally, and impatiently await your messages.

your making everything seem so much better. always putting a smile on my face.

how wonderful life is while your in the world.

dollar general should be called "we lie about our prices in general".

getting 4 mega blow pops, 1 huge bag of fundip, 2 sheets of glitter valentine window deals, and 1 bag of conversation hearts for about 5 bucks is niiiiiice. ye-yeah.

measuring a building with a 25 foot tape measure should be interesting. this graphics class with be the end of me. i have no idea what the heck i'm doing. ughhhh.

math is great. "This is a number. there are many kinds of numbers: natural, whole, integers..etc. You can add them, subtract them, multiply or divide. Does everyone remember what division is? ok, let's start with 2 + 4 to warm up...."

.....yeah. thats how it goes. i love it. i feel so smart. yesss! [all you engineer-y, smarty pants types...stop rolling your eyes.]

ok. i'm out of interesting things to say.

------------>ttfn.

ready for a retreat. oh look...there's one next weekend. nice.

argghhh.

sweet. out of my-drumroll-........4 friends at school, one isnt speaking to me. awesome. one isnt talking to anyone. one i havent talked to since before break.

no boyfriend to call and talk to. best friend is miles and miles away.

i feel so. alone.

and i felt alone before. and now its just worse. i'm sick of hving to be the momma duck and take care of everyone and listen to everyone's problems and feel guilty that i can only love someone who cant love me, and not the person who could give me what i want. i cant make myself love you. and its all building up and i'm just tired and i want to be selfish and have someone listen to me.

besides feeling alone i'm happy with the rest of my life. but the one thing that's bothering me is pretty significant. so. yeah. i guess i'll go back to doing math homework alone on a saturday night. peace.

coming home and throwing up is not fun. welcome 2008.

please let this be the year things finally come together. i cant take a lot more of this.