i would take you in my arms and hold you right where you belong

Could you whisper in my ear
The things you wanna feel
I'd give you anythin'
To feel it comin'

Do you wake up on your own
And wonder where you are?
You live with all your faults

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide

Yeah, I'm gonna let it slide

Don't you love the life you killed?
The priest is on the phone
Your father hit the wall
Your ma disowned you

Don't supposed I'll ever know
What it means to be a man
It's somethin' I can't change
I'll live around it

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide
Ooh, slide

And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothin' that fall
Oh, May
Put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
Oh, May
Do you wanna get married Or run away?

And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothin' that fall
Oh, May
Put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
Oh, May
Do you wanna get married
Or run away?

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything

And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete
(Yeah, slide)
Little pieces of the nothin' that fall
(yeah slide)
And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete
(Yeah slide)
Little pieces of the nothin' that fall
(Oh, oh slide)
Yeah, slide between the sheets of all them beds you never knew
(Yeah slide)
Why don't you slide into my room
Just slide into my room
Oh, we'll run away, run away, run away

christmas....not a cool name unless you're a bond girl/physicist

Christmas overall was good i would have to say.  all except my lovely memory lapse whilst singing...but i recovered quickly and everyone was impressed so its ok...it was scary though. by the way--no one says whilst anymore--i should start a   r e v o l u t i o n!  haha so here's the breakdown of presents:

1. Very Sexy perfume by Victoria's Secret...contrary to popular opinion, it is not "damn" sexy

2. Vera Bradley purse/wallet

3. Victoria's Secret PJ's

4. The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas

5. The Complete Works of Shakespere by...you guessed it, Willy S.

6. Grimm's Fairy Tales, a complete collection

7. The Chronicles of Narnia by Clive Staples Lewis

8. The complete DVD collection of Nooma videos by Rob Bell

9. a pyschadelic purse and scrub from tara

10. candy, money...that kind of stuff

11. sweaters/a hoodie from AE

12. "friends" picture frame

13. scarf from natalie

14. shirt from ash. mu.

15. a quesadilla maker....haha cool i know

16. The James Bond 007 Scene It? game...OMG it's amazing i swear

17. the original Scene It? sequel pack

18. massaging slippers...those are cool

19. scrapbooking stuff

20. WAAAAY too much food

 

--love is an irresistable desire to be irresistably desired.  Robert Frost--

sprinkle is such a fun word

sprinkles are yummy.  cupcakes too, so grab some frosting and a spoon!

 

haha and you thought i was a good writer....no way.

you've mastered the art of calling a girl sir, yes sir

good day. woke up late..mm the joy of rolling over after a weird but comforting dream to realize its 10:30...not 6:30.  then folded some laundry..not too exciting.  crest white strips are cool...until you have to take them off and the gook is still on your teeth. thats gross. i used this cool peel off mask...it was sweet....it peeled of in the three huge pieces....fun for me. haha my face actually looks good now too! bonus.  then i took a shower and jammed to whitney while i blow dried my hair, shes awesome. then went to michael's and a few other places, caroline almost ran me over haha. natalie gave me the coolest fluffy scarf and told me i was hot...haha in my t-shirt and spandex...and she was serious....scary. talked to the cool kid for a while :) then sat around until praise band and got holla'd at by some crazy gross guys in a white truck, FYI: guys, girls find it annoying and gross....not sexy.  then we did practically nothing for two hours and now i'm here. bored out of my mind. writing here telling you about my day because i have nothing better to do.

--She paints her nails and she dont know he's got her best friend on the phone. she'll wash her hair, his dirty clothes for all the things he does for her. and he's got posters on the wall of all the girls he wished she was, and he means everything to her.--

a daily dose of the cross

http://www.livejournal.com/users/jaycubsfanso i was doing my routine go-through-and-read-everyone's-journals-for-the-week buisness when i stmbled upon ansley's journal. i read thourgh her comments after reading about her photography submission, FYI i think you'll get one published bc you rock. and there was a comment froma youth pastor giving her a link to his livejournal.  so i checked it out.  it's all daily little devotionals and i read through the one for sunday.  now, dont be down in the dumps if you go and there arent any news entries....he wont be writing for a few days apparently but bear with it and i really think it will be a great part of my day if i can commit to reading consistently.

i agree with you carter that attendance is an important thing...being passionate about what you say you believe is so important and something most of us forget along the way while we tend to slip into "going through the motions" of God and not actually praising Him with our actions, lips, and minds.  just some food for thought. anywho...i really think anyone interested should check out this guy's live journal:

 

calling a girl isnt that hard...

its been a good week...a better month than expected.  with the exception of a occasional unpleasant occurance...life has slowed down and uncomplicated itself quite a bit.

not worrying about people who will never change

not letting anyone upset me

avoiding confrontations that are uneccesary

surrounding myself with the type of people that make me laugh, not cry

knowing that i can be happy with myself despite my imperfections

realizing my happiness does not depend on others, but within myself...

knowing no one can make me feel like i'm not good enough unless i allow them too

 

it's all about knowing what you want, being with the people that you love to be around, focusing not on the negative but positive side, and not waiting around for other people to make up their minds. you can waste your whole life waiting for other people when the power to go out and have fun lies within you.

 

enough with the self help guru buisness.

 

catlin--you make me laugh....haha we are having such good luck with "christmas wishes"  crack  o  me  o  up

 

this present is not all ita cracked up to be and its not as easy as it should have been--so you better freaking like it tara lynne hess!  its ok if you dont...i just wont get you a birthday present....jk i love you enough to maybe get one.

--Beauty queen of only 18, she had some trouble with herself. He was always there to help her, she always belonged to someone else. I drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door. I've had you so many times but somehow i want more. I dont mind spendin' everyday, out on your corner in the pouring rain, oh, look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay a while. and she will be loved, she will be loved...Tap on my window--knock on my door, I want to make you feel beautiful. I know i tend to get so insecure, doesnt matter anymore. Its not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves us along. My heart is full and my door's always open you can come anytime you want.--

and i'll make it through the rain

i just dont know if i have enough strength left to care. i said a while ago--several months infact, that i'm not quite sure true love exists. actually--i flat out said its a load of bull...and i believed it, mostly because i hadnt experienced it. ever. and i still havent. not the tingly, sweaty palms, makes you shake inside and out-has to be the right person-because no one else could ever make you want to scream and cry and laugh and play the way he does-no one could ever be him....no one could ever be this perfect....the way he makes you feel...the way he makes you fall in love everytime you think about him, much less when you are with him. no, i havent experienced that. i doubt most people have.

love. i have loved. but not that way. not even close.

so, i'm ready to say i think it could happen...to someone someday....i just have the most difficult time ever believing in it for myself. i think everyone on earth from jerks to snotty princess-type girls to your best friends all deserve that experience. everyone. but i'm not the dreamer type of girl. sure--it'd be cool to be famous or have lots of money or to be Oprah and give millions of dollars away to people who need it and just because you love making other people happy....but i mean that wont ever be me and i know it. reality is something hard to grasp and easy to lose control of for some...but a constant voice in my head.  i'm young and i know that kind of love doesnt ever happen to anyone my age unless your just dumb and cant tell the difference...but it seems like such a silly fantasy like notion. i could write for hours and form lovely lines of beautiful elegance about the eyes that make you warm all over, that wrap you in a comforting gaze and whenever you see the love swimming in those eyes you know you could never be happier or safer....i mean--its easy to make up. but actually feeling that way--it seems so far fetched. so...un realistic. you know? 

i mean you meet a hundred new people everyday and to think that you could meet your soulmate years before you realize who they truly are...its amazing to me.  i'm so wrapped up in my ping-pong like thoughts that i'm sure many of you dont even understand what i'm talking about anymore....i try not to confuse people but then again--this is me and its how my thoughts work....they pour of the spout of my mind into a steaming cup of....my life. served fresh daily.

so...if anyone follwed that...i'd like to know what they think. i mean i want think everyone dreams about that...but i mean can it really happen? 

 

--so keep pressing on steadfastly and you'll find what you need to prevent what you say i can make it through the rain, i can stand up once again on my own and i know that i'm strong enough to mend and everytime i feel afraid i'll hold tighter to my faith and i'll live one more day and i'll make it through the rain and when the wind blows as shodows grow close .:dont be afraid:. theres nothing you cant face and sure they tell you you'll never pull through dont hesitate stand tall and say i can make it through the rain and i can stand up once again on my own and i know that i'm strong enough to mend and everytime i feel afraid i'll hold tighter to my faith and i'll LIVE one more day and i'll make it through the rain--

tight squeeze, cool breeze, now you've got the shiveries...

so considering the fact i've been dying all weekend from this insane cough--just ask tara...if she can stop laughing long enough to tell you about it...running around regency parking lot doubed over trying to find the car that was right in front of us...

 

anyways--so i sounded like a total beast of a smoker Sunday at rehersal for tomorrow night, but thankfully...God wants me to sound good so my cough is dying down and my voice is returning.  thanks Dude.  and to mom, her prayers for me to get better worked...they worked so well she is even sick now...but that was part of the deal--she'd be sick so i could sing. she's awesome. my face and everywhere else is clearing up too, so i even look better. and i got my braces off yesterday for people who have yet to see me. so i had a major confidence boost the last two days. go team.

 

finals suck but they arent so bad so far--wait until algebra II and spanish IV hit though--LORDY...if i make it through those..i deserve a house in Malibu. AND any guy in the world. AHH they will be so hard. oh well...it'll be ok, at least this dumb year is almost over and i wont have to worry about it anymore.

 

being creative about these presents is proving much harder than expected. actualy--the creativeness is fine--i have an abundance...finding the correct resources through which to channel the creativity is what is trying.  it'll be ok. by the way--unless your a pleasantly plump woman..those amazing $35 instead of $80 dollar Polos at Stein Mart arent for you. i tried girls, i just couldnt pack the extra 20 pounds. darn.

 

i'm dead..i need sleep. getting up at 6 to be at school by 7 for make up tests on a TESTING week is so not in right now. thank goodness i dont have to go early. love to all. especially a choice few.

 

--Heartbreak's never easy to take but, can we still be friends? this is a strange, sad affair, sometimes feels like you just dont care. dont waste time getting hurt, before you know its over. we just cant go on like before but, can we still be friends?  (< lyrics) the answer is no--

maturity is wearing thin, i think we should have a maturity bank...like a food bank

hmm...let's see here. we act like a freaking two year old our entire lives and everyone deals...does that make it ok? yeah--not at all. so...let's try something new shall we? admitting even though we never act like it--puberty DID hit somewhere along the path and that we can grow up and graduate from our Pamper's Pull-Ups to big kid underwear....act like the Seventeen year old man that you are.  all this stupid gossip, complaining about me, bad mouthing me...it needs to stop. its ridiculous its even happening. it would be one thing if we even talked...but we dont. so i dont know where you keep finding new things to say--your a creative kid we all know. whether i like you or not is irrelevant, i have enough respect for you and for myself not looking stupid, to not "bad-mouth" you in public, so if you could grow up and give me the respect i deserve, that would fabulous. crazy as it sounds...hearing about how horrible i am doesnt cheer me up--and when an adult has to tell you to shut up about gossiping i think we've hit a milestone dont you?  just throw away the pull ups...be a big kid...NOW

and she gazed at him under the stars and her smile warmed her all over

so, this week has been successfully much much better than the preceeding ones.  its a nice change.  a friend is an invaluable asset, and i'm so thankful i have mine, all of them. thank you guys.

monday started off well with Bible Study...but how could a Monday Bible Study not start your week off right? i dont think its possible. tuesday, well honestly, i dont remember what happened tuesday--nothing spectacular or horrid so i guess the lack of badness is good.  Wednesday...i actually did the newletter and almost printed it all without flaws...haha i only copied the first page 15 times too many..oh well. praise band was productive, talked about stuff for winter retreat. can anyone believe thats only a few weeks away! neither can i.

thursday...what did i do then? hmmm...nothing really...but friday was good. i got my CLASS RING and its awesome! so much better than the ugly cluncker manly rings...its hot lemme tell ya. then i only had to stay for 10 minutes of algebra (amazing) and skipped all of spanish....even more spectacular...you have no idea.  saturday was SATs (totally failed) and Kinga's birthday.   Today we sang in the service...quite well might i add...and rachael and kinga both left...how sad.  I'm going to miss rachael...shes awesome.  and tonight was good too.

choir was productive, i get to sing a solo i've wanted for a long time so thats really great.  i learned how truly great "coffee" can be...haha. talking with you tonight was cool...i like us becomming closer.  watched a movie.  ate. the usual

i felt like Santa today giving out my little home made christmas cards.  its so fun to see people's faces when you give them anything, much less a little card.  its the best feeling to make someone else smile. :)

i'm so beat...i'm hitting the sack dear ones...hopefully i wont freeze my butt off in my cutesy little mini skirt called a uniform...retards, anywho--nighty night all

 

--Why can't i breathe whenever think about you? Why can't i speak whenever i talk about you? it's inevitable, it's the fact that we're gunna get down to it so tell me, why can't i breathe whenever i think about you? Isn't this the best part of breaking up, finding someone else you cant get enough of?  someone who wants to be with you.  here we are we're at the begining, we havent *kissed* yetbut my head's swimming. Why can't i breathe whenever i think about you?--

FYI: 'kissed' totally isnt the real lyric...

a reprieve from all she wondered and had never known

the break went by too fast, but considering that tomorrow is wednesday is promising, it means this week is flying by as well. we all know what that means...closer to midterms which is closer to break. and on the 13th a special surprise no one knows about. it will be good. for me. it will be good.

so i've been working on handmade christmas cards for a few days now, i decided i really really enjoy making them. it takes quite a while but its fun just making something beautiful and even better knowing that its going to make someone else happy. doing things for other people lights me up inside and i love it. i'm the helper, the giver, the consoler...compassionate and loving. man it sounds like i'm full of myself but i'm not.

its all about other people. if someome is hurt i want to heal. if someone is sad i want to cheer them up. if someone needs a friend i'll be there no matter what happens, and if i cant physically be there even though i'll try, i will be available. helping other people is important to me, and if anyone...anyone at all comes to me, or i see someone who needs me, i will be there no matter, what in the blink of an eye, you bet your life on it.

maybe its because i hope on the days i need someone else, they can be there too.

and you have been there. not just one, but you, all of you have been there. and you'll know who you are. you have made me cry...made me realize this isnt all me, made me see that i can choose to be happy and i can choose to live how i want to. i can be with whom i want, and i can be joyful for things i sometimes forget i have. you have shown me that i'm never alone and i never need to feel that way. i always have someone, God, or you always with me. that nothing is ever all my fault, everything cant possibly be all my fault all the time because i'm quite frankly, "not all that" making me laugh through my tears to realize that even though my life is hard right now, it wont be so hard later. letting me help you, talk to you, BE with you when i needed to. loving me because you want to. i love each and every single one of you for all that you've done for me and all the things you allow me to give back.

no matter how dark and deep down in the hole i feel...i know i am blessed with the best group of angels God ever made. know that you are that for me.

finally

i can take a deep breath.

its over, i gave up and i'm not going to waste another second crying over anything. i can live. i dont have this weight on my chest anymore and i'm glad its gone. letting go is the hardest and best thing i've ever done, and i wish i could have seen through you earlier. i wouldnt have hurt myself so much, i wouldnt have let myself be hurt by anyone.

--Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. Psalm 37:7--

--I am worn out from sobbing. Every night tears drench my bed; my pillow is wet from weeping. My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies. Go away all you who do evil, for the .:Lord has heard me crying:. The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord will answer my prayer. May all my enemies be disgraced and terrified. May they suddenly turn back in shame. Psalm 6:6-10--

why does it hurt so bad?

why? just answer me God....FREAKING GIVE ME AN ANSWER....i dont fucking understand. TELL ME. i'm so angry and so hurt and so lost...i just dont understand.

why?

 

love brings such misery and pain

GO GATORS!!!!!!  zook went out in S-T-Y-L-E....

anyway...Angels and Demons so far doesnt compare to The Da Vinci Code...nothing is happening...and i'm 100 pages in...it better get good fast. 

i'm sick of empty promises. i really am. if you say you're going to call, CALL. if you know you wont, then why bother saying you will? if you say you're comming, then dont just not show up.  if you say something and then dont do it, why waste your  breathe making an empty promise? i know sometimes its unavoidable and i understand, but when 9 times out of 10 you dont follow through we have a problem.  i'm not stupid, judging from past experience, its barely...hardly ever true. just dont tell me you're going to do something and then dont ok? i'm sick of it. and that isnt just for one person, its for a few.

i should work on this...

--Dont dwell on whats wrong in your life, or on the things you dont have. Insteadm focus on what you DO have and be forever thankful. Start each day with the promise of God's blessing in your heart.--

the hits just keep on comming

it wasnt supposed to end this way. this was supposed to be MY day. every other day of the damned week was horrible and today was my shining chance at redemption--well isnt that a nice notion....happiness....i havent been happy for longer than 5 minutes all week. 

WHY!?! why the hell out of everyone in the world is this happening to ME. i'm not perfect, but i'm a GOOD person, i know i am. i dont do drugs, i dont drink, i dont cheat in school, i dont bother anyone, most of the time i dont even talk unless i'm with my friends bc i have a book to occupy me. so why the hell is my life crumbling beneath me? why.

i needed you today, and you werent there. i needed someone, anyone, and when i finally got through and you called me back when i was crying to hard i could barely see where i was driving...you werent there. you had prior engagements. i wasnt important enough. i needed you. you left me out in the cold. i hope you know what the hell that feels like, it SUCKS ASS. thats how it feels. i have always been there for you and i got cast aside. i loved and still love you so its ok, but i want you to know you hurt me. i forgive you and its ok, but i'm hurt by you. i never thought this would happen.

i swear...if tomorrow isnt a good day i know for a fact i wont make it through another week. i cant. i've had enough. God, please dont give me anything else...i'm at my max. i've cried more in this stupid past three weeks than i have in the last six months, and considering whats happened in the last six months...thats a staggering figure. i cant wait--there are 7 weeks left of this stupid, freaking year. seven weeks, and i can start over. i can have a whole new year, and hopefully a better one.  i need you God...i feel like theres no one left for me to go to...mommy and dad are it...and they cant do this for me. i need something else, and i need it fast.

i'm spent, physically exhausted in every sense of the word, spiritually drained, emotionally dead.

--I wanted you to know, I love the way you laugh, i want to hold you high and steal your pain away. i keep your photograph, and i know it serves me well, i want to hold you high and stealk your pain. Because i'm broken when i'm open and i dont feel like i am strong enough, because i'm broken when i'm lonesome and i dont feel right when You've gone away....You've gone away, you dont hear me...anymore.--

this year is almost over...and i couldnt be more glad

life. a cruel game. life is so harsh, so ugly...so....blind.

i swear, nothing is supposed to be easy and i hate it.  i know things happen for a reason and all the bad stuff leads to somehting good and yada yada...but i am SO over the bad stuff...this month has hit me hard. only a few things have kept me going...friends, having something to occupy me, my mommy, and special moments....

a cookie.

a hug.

a smile.

being hand in hand.

those things are what let me know no matter how bad things go, how much money you invest in a piece of sh*t...how much love you could lose...its worht it for the few moments of realization that you can be happy. thanks for helping me see i'm special. i love you for it.

--Didnt we almost have it all? when love was all we had worth giving? the ride with you was worth the fall my friend, loving you makes life worth living. Didnt we almost have it all? the nights we held on till the morning, you know you'll never love that way again...didnt we almost have it all?--

Day and night, why is it so that this longing for you follows wherever i go?

so, i decided something. i've been doing that a lot as of late. you should never go more than six months without looking through old photos, old yearbooks, old memories. to see things you maybe havent seen for a while, have forgotten, or havent ever seen before, like your mother being pregnant, or your godmother holding you, or you crying because you hurt yourself. do you ever miss that? just remembering?

i think i'd like a camera. i think its what i'd really enjoy. to take a picture...capture a memory, find something beautiful.  see uniqueness in everything, potential. to look around you and find every person you see and every tree, plant or flower, to know they are ALL beautiful. to see life abounding. it leaps out at you when you dont expect it.

to go through your mother's, or father's, old things and hold something and remember something insignificant...something you'd forgotten? or find something new, something you love. a piece of jewlery, an old worn out photo, a scarf....it could be anything.

its so soothing, to sit and listen. jazz is the music of winter.

 

--When I fall in love, it will be forever. Or I'll never fall in love. In  restless world like this is, love has ended before it's begun. And too many moonlight kisses seem to cool in the warmth of the sun. When I give my heart, it will be completely. Or I'll never give my heart.--

i shall call him squishy and he shall be mine

so i decided i want to travel...in a time machine. back to the 70s. to see my parents at their respective high schools....mom @ kenny, pops @ UC. looking thourgh the yearbooks, reading what people have to say...its neat to see what your parents were like back then. i wonder--if i have kids--what they'll think about me when they see my pictures and see the few things i did....what they'll say to me.

i'm still having problems. i try to find little signals...signs in my day to help me understand my dilemmas...i think i disregard the true signals, and pay too close attention to the fals ones at times...i dont know. life can be so complicated for no reason sometimes.

i want to flat out know yes or no. do you or dont you? will you or wont you? can you make time...would you be mine?  i would wait if i flat out knew, whether or not i was good for you. i dont want to look the fool again....hopefully i wont in the end.  all i need is to know the whats inside...and whether you can let go of your pride.  gets some guts and talk this through, to know whether or not i could be good for you.

mean girls...its not only a movie

reality: girls are mean. they SUCK. they are BITCHES. they talk about each other, judge one another without any facutal evidence to back up their claims, they hate each other for the most ridiculous of reasons. i hate girls. i knew there was a reasoni stick to guys whenever possible...and it isnt bc any of them are spectacularly hot or anything, theyre SO much easier to talk to. simple. straight forward. REAL.

the rest is just going to be me getting things out...talking to God because its easier for me to write it than think it. so unless you have some urge to know what me and God talk about...i guess the rest is pointless to you.

Ok God...so there's this..."situation" i have...yes, you know the one, with the person and the thing....yeahhhh that one. so anyways, i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. i dont know what to do. thats where You come in. i know i need to just .:quit:. worrying about it, because in all honesty it does nothing but stress me out, but you know how i am. i have this urge to FIX things, everything. if it's broken, i fix it. so, the thing is....i feel like i need to DO something to get this situation in the right again....but then again, if i do too much...it'll end up equally as bad as if i dont do anything. get what i mean? i figured you did. so...it makes this hard. i know i need to let you work your magic, stretch your proverbial legs and do your thing, but its so hard for me to give up that control...when in reality i dont have much, i cling to the hope that i can help, but i'm not sure i can. so i need You. i need you to help me just let things happen as they will...i know whatever happens, whether i like it or not, is whats best for me. i just wish it would happen already--impatience is something we both know i need work on. so, if you could help me out, give me trust and strength...that would be amazing. patience too...to wait. to understand, to know why and what is going on. i love you, thanks.

--i'm finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is, its ok. all that i need is to be heard and to hear what you would say. word of God speak, would You pour down like rain, washing my eyes to see Your majesty. to be still and know Your in this place, please let me stay and rest in Your holiness. word of God speak.--

love song for my savior

Why would I spend my life longing for the day that it would end?  Why would I spend my time pointing to another man? Isn't that c r a z y ? How can I find hope in dying, with promises unseen? How can I learn your way is better than everything I'm taught to be? Isn't that crazy? I have not been called to the wisdom of this world, but to a God who is calling out to me. And even though the world may think I'm losing touch with reality, it would be .:crazy:. to choose this world over eternity. And if I boast let me boast, and filthy rags made clean. And if I glory let me glory in my Savior's suffering.  Isn't that crazy? And as I live this daily life, I trust You for everything. And I'll only take a step when I feel you leading me. Isnt that crazy?

 

Father hear my prayer, I need the perfect words, words that he will hear, and know they're straight from YOU. I dont know what to say, I only know it h u r t s, to see my only friend slowly f a d e away. So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life, with Your fire in my eyes. But that old familiar fear is .:tearing:. at my words. What am I so afarid of? So here I go again, talkin bout the rain, and mullin' over things that wont live past today. And as I dance around the truth, time is not his friend. This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him.  Lord, You love him so, You gave Your only son, if he would just BELIEVE, he will never die. But how then will he know what he has never heard, Lord he has never seen mirrored in my life? So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life, with Your fire in my eyes. But that old familiar fear is t e a r i n g at my words, what am i so afraid of? So here I go again talkin' bout the rain, and mullin' over things that wont live past today. And as I dance around the truth, time is not his friend. This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him, so here I go again, here I go again.

and as the colors changed from blue to green, she smiled, knowing they were now the same

today....oh my Lord in heaven...it was NOT a good day at all.  THREE times now, in six months this has happened to me, THREE. and everytime it turns out ok, and it's in the end no big deal, but for those few minutes when you dont know whats going to happen...they are the worst moments of my life. i was in tears half the day today....it was not a good day.  then i basically ignored everyone and just walked past people i knew bc i didnt want to have to talk to anyone, so i'm sorry. it was a bad day, and i didnt mean to blow anyone off or be rude.

anyways, i know how truly lucky i am.  this always turns out ok, everytime, and i know God has been watching my back but i dont understand why it keeps happening...like why does this happen to me?  maybe just to make me realize how much i have, i dont know, but i'm thankful as hell that i''ve ok as long as i have. this sucks and i dont want it to hapen anymore, and it comes out of no where and bites you in the ass when you LEAST expect it to. youre never ever ready.

 

--Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable to You, O Lord, my strength and my redeemer.  Psalm 19:14--

night and day, you are the one

yesterday was a double edged sword.  have you ever had a day that started out lovely and ended terribly? (in a sense)  yeah...we wont go into it, but there were definitely ups and downs...i think that anyone who knows plan x knows even though it wasnt fun, it ended well....i'm glad that's out there now..i needed it.

saturday....oh saturday. i dont even remember what i did on saturday up until around 6:30...i definitely remember everything afterwards.  anyone without a mood ring is a loser. and who knew they delivered news papers at 11 pm the night before? or, even more astonishingly, that jimmy buffet sings french? exactly. :)

 

--Night and day, you are the one
Only you beneath the moon or under the sun
Whether near to me, or far
It's no matter darling where you are
I think of you
Day and night, night and day, why is it so

That this longing for you follows wherever I go
In the roaring traffic's boom
In the silence of my lonely room
I think of you
Day and night, night and day

Under the hide of me
There's an oh such a hungry yearning burning inside of me
And this torment won't be through
Until you let me spend my life making love to you
Day and night, night and day--

i got sunshine on a cloudy day

i had successfully, amidst the chaos and emotions, had the best night.  it was on the verge there for a while--teetering to and fro, by the way no one says to and fro anymore, we should start a revolution. anywho..it turned out quite well. i will be having an amazing weekend i can surely predict. : )

i want to encourage, as i'm sure Bryan, Shoup, and David will all agree, all of you to reach out to our new friend Dennis Copperpenny.  he's a newbie shoupey..haha rhymes...has recruited. he was here wednesday night shortly as i was doing the newsletter--he's a cool kid. so if you guys could help him feel welcome thatd be awesome. you can email him at: coinman1910@gmail.com.  dont hesitate! ; )

ok my eys burn so its time to blow this popcicle stand...by the way no one eats those anymore either...but i guess its bc everyone knows ice cream is so much better. haha, goodnight all.

W The President

--I don't believe all the things I hear. All these things I hold so dear, I won't take for granted. I tell myself that I won't hide. Maybe this might finalize, this fear I feel's unfounded. Do you see the danger creeping up beside? 'Cause you're turning me inside out, You're breaking all these promises we made. Maybe time will make it right. Yeah, you're turning me inside out. It's taking all my strength and will to stay.
Maybe time will make it right.I've always taken a chance with life, knowing if I paid the price that soon I'd find the answer. There's no use being afraid to see what my life was meant to be. It could take me so much higher. Do you see the danger creeping up beside? 'Cause you're turning me inside out, You're breaking all these promises we made. Maybe time will make it right. Yeah, you're turning me inside out. It's taking all my strength and will to stay. Maybe time will make it right.--

.:tainted:.

i hate that feeling. i just hate it. you're having the most incredible day ever, like top notch amazing, and then somehting happens and it just....messes your mood up. your day isnt ruined, and it isnt over, but--its lost that gleam, that excitement....that JOY. its so frusterating.

anyway, it was a really good day. woke up in a good mood..listened to this awesome song..i forget who sings it..i'll find out...but its called Inside Out.  its on the Smallville sountrack, FYI. anways, man do i ever get sidetracked or what...so i get to school and have doghnuts in x mod compliments of the amazing Mr DeLuca....mmm..mine kind of made me sick with all the creamy icing in it but it was still good. then i talked to my Tar Bear who delivered to me some very refreshing and wonderous news. then off to A mod which as always was quite dull. until that is, Crusader Coverage came on..(school news) and it cracked me up, its always really funny. then i saw him after a mod and that will always make me smile, i mean come on now. then... i got an A of some sort on my Anatomy test...super news. then off the Cmod which besides it being lunchtime smack dab in the center was drab. then off to D mod where we practiced for the mile i fear we will running tomorrow...AHH. but besides the massive cramps i got landed with somewhere on the third lap it was fine. then i showered for the second time today....there has so far been a grand total of three--so im the cleanest kid on the block, and the prettiest smelling. then off to E mod Alg II where i received my test scores, temporarily percieved to be in the 97% range when in a surprising twist, ended up being a marvelously fantabulous 102% instead. rock on for bonus points. it would have been 105 if i had bubbled in the correct answer for one--those minus signs are deceiving let me tell YOU. then i was off to bible study to chat with Bryan about horror films and have him explain the begining and end of The Grudge, since i missed the begining and the end was too scary for litle kristina marie to watch. i had protection with me though, so he kept me safe from the insane dead woman crawling on her hands down the stairs...CRAZY! and scary..i thought this movie would be dumb to the tenth power but it scared the crap out of me and three days later i still have trouble falling asleep. so unless you dont scare too easy or your just insane and dumb, dont see it. Rebekah is the darn cutest baby i've ever seen...shereminds me of Melissa with her obsession with Goldfish..its funny. 

now that i've rambled for quite some time, i'm going to go ask my momma to braid my hair, sooo....go build a fort. until next time...

 

--with the sound of your voice waters still. you are Lord over all. with a touch of your robes sick are healed, and for you Jesus we all fall down. my soul finds rest and .:comfort:. from only you, my fortresss and my ROCK i wont be moved. you are my cornerstone whose love endures. with the sound of your voice waters still. you are [Lord over all]. with a touch of your robes sick are healed. for you Jesus we all fall down, and i praise you for i am fearfully and wonderfully made, and i praise you for i am FEARFULLY and .:wonderfully:. made, we fall down.--

your in this place

--I'm finding myself at a loss for words and the funny thing is its ok. The last thing I need is to be heard, but to hear what You would say. Word of God speak, would You pour down like rain, washing my eyes to see Your majesty. Please let me stay and  rest in Your holiness, Word of God speak. I'm finding myself, in the midst of You beyond the music, beyond the noise. All that I need is to be with You and in the quiet hear Your voice. Word of God speak would You pour down like rain, washing my eyes to see Your majesty. To be still and know that your in this place please let me stay and rest in Your holiness, word of God speak would You pour down like rain, washing my eyes to see Your majesty. To be still and know Your in this place, please let me stay and rest in Your holiness. I'm finding myself at a loss for words and the funny thing its ok.--

suddenly, as she sipped and nodded, she realized she was captivated by him

ok so incase you wanted to know, or were considering seeing The Grudge...unless you dont ever EVER get scared at anything...you dont want to go see it. its horribly frightening. pinky swear.

ok so i got the cutest scarf at....yes the silliest store ever...the Limted Too! haha...i'm a nerd, no it was because Hannah wanted to chill in there and i found it and was like AHHH...its hot. and it was 9 bucks. try that on for size at Express my friends...you wont get it.

i had much more to say but i got sidetracked...and now that the object of my distraction is now diminished...i have forgotten my purpose in writing this entry.

i remember part but that part was about being angry and i really just dont evern care enough about it to make the effort of typing it. its stupid and i knew it would happen anyways.

--Desperate for changing, starving for truth, closer than where i started, i'm chasing after you, i'm falling even more in love with you, letting go of all i've held on to, i'm standing here until you make me move, i'm hanging by a moment here with you.--

pizza and a movie

have you ever talked to someone and felt like you'd known them forever? like, you could talk to them for hours and hours and never run out of things to say? yeah, so have i.

 

--I'll be your cloud up in the sky, i'll be your shoulder when you cry, i'll be your mountain way up high, when all hope is gone to fear, no matter how far oyu are i'm near, it makes no difference who you are, i'll be your angel.--

To be great is to be misunderstood.

The title quote is by Ralph Waldo Emerson.  i never realized what a cool guy he is.

another quote by him i like is:

     "A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages."

basically..he's saying man should rely on his own thoughts and trust his own judgement. he says that man should rely and dig deeper into his own thoughts and not feel inferior to the great minds of people like Plato or Aristotle;  other famous philosophers, because they are no smarter or less significant than we, they just spoke their minds, even when what they believed contradicted modern beliefs...and for that--you have to give them credit. someone who will defend what they believe to the death. its admirable and i hope that if a situation arises like that for me, that i'll have courage and stand up for what i know in my heart.

this was pretty significant for me...due to recent occurances. we talked about murder in bible study today, it was a really interesting study. it put way more out there than "murdering is wrong" this passage had special significance to me.

Romans 12:17-21

.:Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do your part to live in peace with everyone, as much as possible. Dear friends, never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God. For it is written, "I will take vengeance, I will repay those who deserve it," says the Lord. Instead, do what the Scriptures say: -If your enemies are hungry, feed them, if they are thirsty, give them something to drink, and they will be ashamed of what they have done to you. Dont let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good-:.

i feel like this is one of the hardest, yet most rewarding, things we can do.  In the Lord's Prayer, it says: "...And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us..."

its never easy to turn the other cheek when you feel you've been wronged, and no one can change their entire personality over-night. its a process....a slow,  meticulous, grueling process meaning we have to watch ourselves every moment of our waking hours, being sure to try and do what is right even when we dont want ot or even worse, feel like we shouldnt need to. Handing things over to God to deal with seems so simple, yet its so hard. I know for me, i always want to do it myself, i'm INDEPENDENT and when i try to fix things myself, basically i'm telling God, "Yeah, i know you created the Heavens, me, all of creation as i and every other being knows it, but really God, i think i have this under control. Why dont you just sit down and let the big dogs take care of this one ok? i dont want you getting hurt or screwing things up." thats the dumbest thing you could ever do. God can ONLY help lighten our burdens, give us strength, courage, and self control when we need it most and trying to be Superwoman is an insult and completely ignorant of me; of anyone.  He doesnt create unnecesary mess for us, He loves, supports, and cherishes us like His children, which we infact are. We need to be cared for, we NEED protection, we need God and the sooner we realize AND accept his graces, life will be so much easier.

to quote my lovely friend Elizabeth Anne Leavitt:

--Life would be so much simpler if we all just learned to pray.--

may it be the sweetest sound, Lord this heart is reaching for you now

This weekend has opened up places in my heart i didnt even realize i had shut down. I've realized something thats so incredible and elementary. something that will mkae living my life so much more joyful...the only problem is that its somehting i'll have to work on every minute of everyday and if that means i'll be happir, then i'm going to give it my best shot.

what i learned is this: you cant ever be free in life if you dont let go of all the garbage filling it up. you cant live a full and happy existence without saying hey...i dont really need to carry this around with me anymore. all it does is weigh me down and thats not what will lead me to my happiness. you ned to be honest with yourself and evaluate your life. you cant let what people say about you get to you. this i have learned through 16 years of personal and painful experience. i'm a horrible example for ignoring what people think, because if someone gives me even a dirty look or doesnt return a smile i wonder what i did to make them angry. i hate not being liked. i hate being made fun of, being ostracized, being left out. i HATE the feeling of seeing someone and knowing that your day could be ruined by them. but theres beauty in that same instance. you can choose how to respond. you can let it hurt you and let it kill a piece of your heart. you can choose that. or, you can choose to take away that power from them. you can DECIDE your future. We have such and amazing Lord. God gives us FREEDOM. freedom to choose. we can choose to HATE God, we can CHOOSE to fall madly in love with Him also. God gave us free will, and its such an amazing thing. God created us to be a free people, to be happy, ecstatic, joyful people. His love for you and for me exceeds anything any human could even being to reciprocate, but we can try. Love, live...choose your happiness.

--As we come today, we remind ourselves of what we do. That these songs are not just songs but sign of love for you. This is a HOLY moment now, something of heaven touches earth, voices of angels all resound we join their song. Come, Come, Come, let us worship God with our .:hands held high:. and our *hearts bowed down*, we will run, run, run, to your gates oh God, with a SHOUT of love.--

where to begin?

dont you love those moments when you just feel?

beautiful

important

happy

strong?

i've lost everything else i wanted to say...dont feel anything but those things ok? you're beautifully made.

Praise the Lord on high

i dont know if its because of sheer good luck, or my attampts at bettering myself and trying to be closer to my God, but things are going SO well for me. even things that i had long given up on...i have HOPE for the future. i have a reason to smile a HUGE smile everyday.

how awesome is that? that i can be happy and dwell on a sliver of something beautiful.

 

--I will praise my LORD and my God with a passion foreign to all other elements of my being.--

how?

I could hardly believe it
When I heard the news today
I had to come and get it straight from you
They said you were leavin'
Someone swept you heart away
From the look upon your face I see it's true
So tell me all about it, tell me 'bout the plans you're makin'
Then tell me one thing more before I go

Tell me how am I supposed to live without you
Now that I've been lovin' you so long
How am I supposed to live without you
How am I supposed to carry on
When all that I've been livin' for is gone

I didn't come here for cryin'
Didn't come here to breakdown
It's just a dream of mine is coming to an end
An how can I blame you
When I built my world around
The hope that someday we'd be so much more than friends
And I don't wanna know the price I'm gonna pay for dreaming
When even now it's more than I can take

And I don't wanna face the price I'm gonna pay for dreaming
Now that your dream has come true

i'm madly in love with you

breath. its the single greatest and most forgotten, taken for granted thing we've ever received.

simple: inhale, exhale.

.:without the breath of life, one is but a shell:. all you have to do is breathe. without breath, you cant exist. you cant be.  Breath offers us LIFE. to live, you simply breathe. 

think about it: every breath you take, every single, solitary, breath offers you life. LIFE.

with every breath, you have a chance to change the world.

you can live as if life offered no consequences.

 love like you have nothing to lose.

its such an amazing, awe-inspiring thing. i mean, you're never even CONSCIOUS of your breathing. you just do it.  No matter what we do, or how complicated we make things, God made living so incredibly: simple.

just breathe.

do we ever even stop to take into account how valuable this is? to STOP. and thank our Creator for allowing us to live  our lives and love, serve,  and honor Him? take a minute. just sit, dwell in His presence.

breathe.

take a breath. take a deep, long, meaningful breath of LIFE-giving goodness. just remember every breath you breathe means something in this world; every breath you take is sacred.

so, have you? have you done it?  breathe. seriously...take a "breath out of your day" to dwell on existence...on your life.

just....  .:breathe:.

 

--This is the air i breathe. This is the air i breathe. Your  HOLY  presence, living in me. and i'm desperate for You. and I'm lost without You. --

 

so much for my happy ending

floating. its what i've been doing. drifting. nothing has penetrated inside my bubble.

i want to live for what i believe. LEAVE ME ALONE. i have such a deep and burning desire to live for my God, to be an example for you, i have such a longing to be close to Him. i need strength. in most senses i'm one of the strongest people i know. but not in all ways assuredly. i need a peace of mind that comes only with love. His. its all His. share with me please.

i want to live.

love.

be.

for You.

--I have set the LORD continually before me; because He is at my right hand, i will not be shaken. Therefore, my heart rejoices; my flesh will also dwell securely.  Psalm 16:8-9--

SICK.

SICK...shoot me now...i'm dead

someone turned on the faucet again...

i'm sick. AGAIN. BLAH!!! i hate it, hate it, HATE it!

thats ok though, because i'm the proud new owner of red highlights. i like them. i look hot....a vixen of sorts. anyways, i've noticed i dont update as often as i used to. i'll work on it. i just havent had a lot to say, or a lot of time to say it. EPWORTH is in two weeks! i'm excited, if you're not comming, then you should because all the cool people go. because well, if you go, you're cool. simple as PIE.

--Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. James 1:19--

better

up until lunch today, i've been better since my last entry. yesterday was a particularly good day--except i sounded like a dying cat at praise band, but besides that--it was good. sunshine, not to hot, maroon 5...those are the ingredients for a good day, let me tell you. i got the paper printed out and mailed too which is good--out of my hair for a week. i really enjoy doing it, it just takes so stinking long sometimes.

Anyways, like i said, until lunch, today was good. actually lunch was good too...tomato soup in the sunshine. but i got a killer headache smack in the second half of algebra and it never went away. needless to say i had no medication to dope up on...then i got cramps and my mouth had been killing me all day. blah...but i took 4 motrin and went to the ortho so i'm good to go.

i got a new Seventeen mag today, Ashlee Simpson is on the cover...surpisingly enough...ahem ahem.....nothing has been good inside thus far. i dont like her. she moans like a bloated chik-a-dee.

--Life is God's novel. Let Him write it." Isaac Bashevis Singer--

ARGHHH!

ARGGHHHH! i am so angry. angry. ANGRY. ANGRY!!  i havent had internet in two days and have needed it to check email for a few things, the stupid idiotic computer wasnt working worth jack CRAP today, and i've successfully been in the worst mood of my life for the L O N G E S T time frame ever. i'm sick of it; i'm bored with my life, every single solitary aspect of my dumb stupid life. i dont even know why. i mean there's not even anything particulalry wrong with it other than daily inconviniences..i just hate it. i'm bored with the people in my life, the routine i have, the surroundings, the smells, the having to pee in the roach-infested bathroom outside....all of it. i'm not happy with myself at all...i have less self esteem than what i want for myself, and i cant get past critiqueing everything about myself, my every feature, aspect of my character....whatever. i hear myself say rude things and immediately regret it but its like sometimes i cant even help it. i wish i could just be satisfied with who i am, accept myself, and learn how to snap out of my self-inflicted drearyness. i just wish there was somethingi could do to make myself happier right now--i keep thinking this is some weird week phase i'm going through, that i'll snap out of it...but its been two weeks...and i havent. i just dont know what to do.

--I cry out to the Lord, I plead for the Lord's mercy. I pour out my complaints before Him and tell Him all my troubles. For I am overwhelmed and you alone know the way I should turn. Wherever I go, my enimies have set traps for me. I look for someone to come and help me, but no one gives me a passing thought! Then I pray to You O Lord. I say, "You are my place for refuge. You are all I really want in life. Hear my cry, for I am very low. Rescue me from my persecutors, for they are too strong for me. Bring me out of prison so I can thank you. The godly will crowd around me, for you treat me kindly.
--Psalm 142--

ugh

i really just dont care about anyone or anything at the moment

i dont care about being all mushy, i dont care about sentiment...i've never been a touchy-feely, lovey-dovey, i cant live without you lets be all cheesey and look retarted kind of girl. i'm sorry if thats not ok. i really am not ormantic...i mean deep inside somewhere i am but it doesnt come out like practically ever so we just need to learn how to deal ok.

i dont feel like anything. i dont see this as anything. i dont see myself as anything...i drift from class to class, watching, listening, not speaking almost all day and everyday...i just dont care for the people i have to be around everyday--they arent like me and they arent my style. sorry if i'm weird because i would rather sit in class when theres nothing to do and read a book than gossip about how drunk karen got at tim's party and how many lines of coke jeff snorted or how many times reid had sex. i'm not really sorry---i'm better off. i just dont give a damn about it so deal with it and if it bugs you--then leave me alone, because even if it didnt i still dont like you.

 

--i dont know what i've done to get myself here

i cant see the way you live like you do

i dont see my answer comming in clear

so if oyu hear me, please dont delay

my problems, they cant go away

this feeling cant ever be through,

until i've found You...until i've found You.--

cafe vanilla sky

Tell me just what you want me to be
One kiss and boom you're the only one for me
So please tell me why don't you come around no more
Cause right now I'm crying outside the door of your candy store

It just takes a little bit of this
A little bit of that
It started with a kiss
Now we're up to bat
A little bit of laughs
A little bit of pain
I'm telling you, my babe
It's all in the game of love

This, whatever you make it to be
Sunshine set on this cold lonely sea
So please baby try and use me for what I'm good for
It ain't sayin' goodbye
It's knocking down the door of your candy store

It's all in this game of love
You roll me
Control me
Console me
Please hold me
You guide me
Divide me
Into what...

Make me feel good, yeah

So please tell me why don't you come around no more
Cause right now I'm dying outside the door of your loving store

It's all in this game of love
It's all in the game of love
Yeah, in the game of love

Roll me
Control me
Please hold me
(make me feel good, yeah)

for we see with our eyes, and give with our hands, but do we truly love with all our hearts?

i'm in a weird mood. i had a great day. but i dont feel right; something is off-key and i'm not sure what it is.

I'm really liking the monday studies we're doing...it sheds light on things i never would have come up with on my own--a new perspective on rules i've been taught since a was little. it makes me understand and WANT to follow them instead of just knowing what they are.

busy busy busy! school is insane...its not overwhelming but a lot more than i've had in the past...like it forces you to work hard or you'll never pass. so i'm working hard....and HOPING i pass. bleh.

 

--You are like a private garden, my treasure, my bride! Yu are like a spring that no one else can drink from, a fountain of my own.-- Song of Solomon 4:12

leaves of grass

I AM HE THAT ACHES WITH LOVE. I AM he that aches with amorous love; Does the earth gravitate? Does not all matter,
         aching, attract all matter?
So the Body of me, to all I meet, or know.

 

walt whitman

all dolled up

today was a surprise. i was at the grandma's showering because the plumbing is out, and i go to look for her and g-pa to say goodbye, and then...this is c-r-azy....paw paw gave me a HUG. not i gave him one, HE gave ME a hug. for the record....we have hugged three times in the reccollection of my lifetime. once was after this  year's homecomming concert. i was the one who hugged him. so this is a huge deal for me. it totally made my shine inside. props for paw paw.

and for the record...i have the best friends in the world. i can say the sillyest thing ever and people say things like htis to me:  TropicChik136 [10:08 PM]:  ahhh kristina u know i love you this ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- much  

isnt that just the nicest ever? it makes my day whe people like that say cute things to me...(EDITOR'S NOTE: i got a nice one from natalie too but i deleted it on accident. and i love tara hess.)

**By the way--sorry for the lack of journalism for the past few days....kristina has been a busy girl...hobbling around RTU, making t-shirts, hugging grandpas....let me tell you! :) i'll try to keep more regular--maybe i'll feed my comupter some medimucil.

--"What I tell you now in the darkness, shout abroad when daybreak comes. What I whisper in your ears, shout from the housetops for all to hear!" Matthew 10:27--

just call me anne landers...

i just saw The Notebook for the third time today. you know how you see a movie and everytime you get a little less interested? not so. i love this movie. i get excited about it everytime. rachel mcadams is still the most beautiful woman in the world next to audrey hepburn.

i keep really wanting to write a good, long, wordy journal about something of interest. nothing good has come to me yet. i'll try to make it a good one soon.

tiffany's has the best breakfasts

ok well i cant get my picture to come up so...oh well

cool weather meets a warm array of color

i love rain. i woke up in the middle of the night and heard it pouring like nothing else outside, it was great.its such a soothing sound, hearing rain tap the roof. i love it.

and i love my room. i dunno, its been so dull and grey outside and i can walk in here and feel rejuvinated. the bright yellow walls and the reds, oranges, yellows, and pinks of my duvet and sheets, my pink post its, my sherbert wallet from vera....it all ties in out of pure coincidence, a beautifully happy, bright, cheerful coincidence.

try Crest's new vanilla toothpaste...it sounds really weird, but its really good. i reccomend it--its amazing!

cat eyes and knit sweaters

its been a long few days. i've been so so tired lately, i dont know whats wrong. i want to get the new vanilla toothpaste...isnt that cool or what. someone called me at 8:45 this morning...i wanted to cry. i need to sleep more. the beach will be nice considering the lovely weather headed in our nor'easterly direction.

 

--Safety and happiness can only come from indiviuals, classes, and nations being honest and fair and kind to each other.-- C.S. Lewis

just because it has an eye doesnt make it a human

frances is stupid, we havent had a hurricaine hit in forty years, thats not changing this weekend. one JUST hit us, God's not that lame, we arent getting a one-two punch. i'm not worried about it at all.

dark chocolate kisses are the best. eat more.

i love my new green pants--but i really wish they had had my black pointy heels with the pink ribbons, thats what i went to buy---argh things like that anger me. oh well, the pants are hot, so says my lover.

ok so i bought that clearasil crazy fast working acne stuff thats supposed to clear up your face in three days---my face was being very naughty...i look gross....anywho so yesterday morning was day three, and what do i find on my face instead of clear skin? TWO new zits....2! how gay is that? i know...its bad. ugh whatever i am so over pimples i could cry.

 

--Stop. Collaborate and listen, Ice is back with my brand new invention. Something grabs a hold of me tightly, flow like a harpoon daily and nightly, will it ever stop? YO, i dont know, turn out the lights and i'll glow. to the extreme i rock the mic like a vandal....--

i know you can be overwhelmed, and underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed? i think you can i

FYI: Hanson is cool, i dont care what anyone says.

secondly, strawberry frappuccinos are great...any frappuccino is really.

thirdly, i have nothing left to say except school is a superfluous waste of time.

 

--Lt. Dan! You got legs!--

the rain falling softly from the heavens is a beautiful thing she said. he agreed

so. here i am again. another day. another second, a moment in the endless spindle of time. it never seems like we ave enough, yet there is and always will be a plethora of time. you cant be out of it, you can't spend your last "time" and be broke. you just...are. you go and move and live your days, and though they are numbered we never really die. i mean...spiritually we will live on for eternity no matter where we end up, so time is an inconceivable, unattainable, untaintable thing. you spend it how you will. endless experiences, moments, pieces of that idea of time make up who we are and how we turn out, but in the end does it matter? we just continue on, being and growing and living. the epitomy of being is not time, but how time is spent.

--Be joyful always, pray continuously, and give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16--

Clock stirkes upon the hour and the sun beings to fade...

This is going to be my wedding dress. I'm going on a cruise to some tropical place, getting married on a lovely sunny day on the beach with the crystal clear aqua water crashing in behind me, in this dress, with my hair flowing gently behind me, with bare feet, so i can feel the sand squishin between my toes. orchids and lillies and white daisies will be everywhere, and my boquet will be all different colored orchids, which will be great against all the other white flowers. This is all just FYI--i decided i'd share because i wanted to, and well--its my journal so if you dont care go away.

tomorrow will be fun-i hope. being as i dont know whats gunna happen i cant say it or wont be fun--it better be.

ahh--ansley, if youre reading you'll be excited. i doubt you'll ever see this but i'll take a shot. We just got the Audrey Hepburn movie set and i'm so excited, we ordered it and it came a few days ago, she is so amazing--i love her.  she's the most beautiful woman in the entire world. her, and rachel mcadams. anywho...until we meet again

 

--We are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong, searchin our hearts for so long.....love is a battle field, we are young, heartache to heartache we stand, no promises no demands, love is a battle field...--

Red nails are pretty; Red lips are better

I've been on edge lately. everything has been getting on my nerves, and more often than not i have handled it irrationally: i.e.--the immature, immidiate reaction that you excpect from bad drivers and people who work at K-mart in the Little Caesar's who didnt go to college. anyways...i've been trying to focus more on taking deep cleansing breaths....the kind you see in cheesy yoga infommercials. You have to find your center, be patient, and remember to be kind. I really was just struck by our Sunday school lesson this past weekend. The sheet is in my car and being the lazy person i am, i'm not going to go retrieve it anytime soon, so just trust me when i say mrs. collins deserves definite props. i'll refresh you on all the cool stuff in there.

life is just this boring cycle...same thing everyday. nothing is new. everything in my life is stale, uninteresting, boring, in need of a ZAP!  i wake up at 6:15 every morning (during school), go pee, put on some concealer and mascara, get dressed, eat breakfast sometimes, get the pups and let them pee, brush my teeth, go pick up caroline, and endure 6 hours of catholic-enduced mayhem. i come home, actually do the work assigned, eat a snack, chill if i have time, eat dinner, take a shower, talk online, go to bed. EVERYDAY! its fine if you dont like change--and in some circumstances regulrity is best, but not in my everyday life, positive new, fun, exciting occurances are good. i want them. i just have no control over it, besides maybe getting dressed in the morning then peeing or something. ugh....i need some tips--let me know if you have any. (this isnt a suggestion--i seriously want a comment every now and then folks)

 

--And i'm only gunna pierce my left, and i've ben workin on this mustache all summer long, and my favorite band willl always be tears for fears, and i'm gunna wear a pink tux to the prom.--

the space bar is a highly important, seldom appreciated thing

i was going to journal. now i have to "go powder my nose" badly, and i need to shower and blow dry my hair, and your still online so--i dont really have time. look of rone in the near future. love...

 

143

 

        --I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pourin rain look for the girl with a broken smile ask her if she wants to stay a while and she will be loved and she will be loved.--

 

When you're the president of the breakfast club, and you're not hesitant to fall in love...

AH. Ok, so i spilled coke (a-cola) on the old keyboard, but this one's spacebar doesnt work for crap. i have to go through and re-space half the stuff i type. AHH so many people to talk to! Thanks ash, that was a sweet thing to say--it really did brighten my day. It kindof makes my day incomplete in a way if i dont write. it's weird. like, if i havent written something, my day feels funny. I HATE THIS KEYBOARD! and i hate spanish. they tell you to thinkabout this crap before hand, hello.....this year is completely and totally not the same as it has been before....actually speaks in spanish and i dont know whats going on ever, i feel stupid. AH. <---My new expression.  I'm totally stoked about being the editor of 70X7...i think it'll be the most awesome experience...having talked with bryan, i think there be some major POSITIVE improvements for this year and the next.

We totally take the cutest pictures ever, i'll get em scanned soon and post em. i hate school. i want it to die!

 

--God is my sheild, saving those whose hearts are true and right.--

                                                             Psalm 7:10

smile the for camera

i hate times like this. you get so caught up in everything thats going on, all life's minute frusterations, consumed by frivolous worry and not consumed by the Word. i just get so angry over little things that dont matter, swear and yell at the computer when it doesnt work how i want it to or as fast as i want it to, talk about someone or think unkind thoughts about someone else when i get pissed off. i mean dont you ever just feel like everything you do is wrong? like you conciously think,"oh, that was bad....i shouldnt have done that." but then ten minutes later you find yourself unconciously doing it or something equally wrong again? i dont do it on purpose, but i feel so far from God at this point. i haven'thad some positive re-enforcement in a while....i need a serious dose of God right now. like, i want to just be taken away with love and relief, swept up in my passion for my Savior, but i just have such a hard time somtetimes getting into a routine, a daily concentration on what i need to do, what i need to be focusing on and who i need to be thinking of.

--You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times. And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you. But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry, is how long must I wait to be with You? I close my eyes and I see your face, if home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow? I've never been more homesick than now. Help me Lord because I don't understand Your ways. The reason I wonder if I'll ever know but even if You showed my the hurt would be the same. Because I'm still here so far away from home, in Christ there are no goodbyes, in Christ there is no end. So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have, to see you again.--

                                                  -MercyMe: Homesick (Undone)

ew

this weekend was not all i was hoping for. i'm tired, and grumpy, and anxious, and sad......not at all happy. i hate my classes and i need to transfer out of one...i dont even want to be at school. i want to go somewhere far away and just clear my head and be alone. life has been quite...dissapointing lately and i'm tired of dealing with it, too tired to even try to fix things. too tired for people to dump their problems on me, i have a plethera of my own....i'm not the community emotional dump here folks--just rksitina. but even though i feel this way i'll help in anyway i can--thats just me. sometimes i want to scream at people and tell them to go away but i'm just not like that. i wish i was sometimes, but then again i know that wouldnt do anyone any good, and thats all thats important.

 

--Your love, is extravagent. Your friendship, it is intimate.--

strength--i've never seen more

Yeah... this right here (tell me why)
Goes out, to everyone, that has lost someone
That they truly loved (c'mon, check it out)

Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show
I laced the track, you locked the flow
So far from hangin on the block for dough
Notorious, they got to know that
Life ain't always what it seem to be (uh-uh)
Words can't express what you mean to me
Even though you're gone, we still a team
Through your family, I'll fulfill your dream (that's right)
In the future, can't wait to see
If you'll open up the gates for me
Reminisce some time, the night they took my friend (uh-huh)
Try to black it out, but it plays again
When it's real, feelings hard to conceal
Can't imagine all the pain I feel
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still living your life, after death

Every step I take, every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
I'll be missing you
Thinkin of the day, when you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
I'll be missing you

 I miss you Big

It's kinda hard with you not around (yeah)
Know you in heaven smilin down (eheh)
Watchin us while we pray for you
Every day we pray for you
Til the day we meet again
In my heart is where I'll keep you friend
Memories give me the strength I need (uh-huh) to proceed
Strength I need to believe
My thoughts Big I just can't define (can't define)
Wish I coul turn back the hands of time
Us in the six, shop for new clothes and kicks
You and me taking flicks
Makin hits, stages they receive you on
Still can't believe you're gone (can't believe you're gone)
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still living you're life, after death
 Somebody tell me why

One black morning
When this life is over
I know
I'll see your face

Every night I pray, every step I take
Every move I make, every single day
Every night I pray, every step I take
 Every day that passes
Every move I make, every single day
 Is a day that I get closer
 To seeing you again
Every night I pray, every step I take
 We miss you Big... and we won't stop
Every move I make, every single day
 Cause we can't stop... that's right
Every night I pray, every step I take
Every move I make, every single day
 We miss you Big

Ramsay Breazeale

October 11, 1946-August 11, 2004

--You're living through him, and that's all any of us could ask for...--

it was a big day

new haircut, new things, new experiences, new relationship....new outlook.

editor's note

today started off....early. one way too energetic phone call at 7:30 by a very energetic boy woke me out of my rock hard slumber. it was worth it. then, at 9:30 i got a text from the same kid....ah. also worth it. i finally drug my big...not butt...big...self out of bed at 12:30, took a shower, tara came, then stephen, and we went shopping for school junk. then i hung til 7:30 and went to natalie's to finish sewing my skirt--it is so cute! and then to stephens again. it was a busy day let me tell you. Kaytlin is the cutest baby ever.

soo, i decided lie in our graves by dave matthews is my new favorite song, along with the one i am currently listening to. there's this like 10 minute....i dont even know the technical name....its not intermission but thats all i can come up with so we'll call it that. its amazing. stephen dont laugh at my pathetic attempts to be musically inclined. anyways--it the best song ever....listen to it.

i got an email today that totally made my day. ahh....offering me the coolest opportunity ever, if i get to do it--wow it'll be awesome, i'm so excited about it.

 

--I thank my God everytime I remember you.--

                                           Philippians 1:3

wanda + betty...

today was good. no, almost perfect. you know why. we'll figure this out soon enough.

 

--The space between the tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us comming back for more.--

dimples and tears

so, i just saw the Notebook with caroline.....i love it. rachel mcadams is the most beautiful woman ever. i adore her. anyone--male or otherwise--who has yet to see it needs to, you will be touched. kristina...."hard-hearted hannah" as my momma so lovingly calls me....cried her eyes out...twice. it's funny really, the way i cry. when i was little, i used to cry myself to sleep a lot if kim got upset and screamed and cried--it would terrify me, and i cried my eyes out everytime, and i still do even though it rarely happens....but i guess because i was naive and small, it was night time, and everyone was asleep, i never made a sound. i would shake and tears would drench my cheeks, but i never made a sound....so watching a movie where i cry is always...new. three times and counting so far, twice in the same movie. i didnt think i would cry, i thought i would be ok since i was ok the last time i cried in a different movie--i didnt cry the second time. this just rips your heart out, and then you remeber that even though its sad, the love you see is greater than anything else in all the world and then you cry just because you want to know what thats like...i sure as hell do. if i feel that ever in my life...even for an instant, i'll have lived more gloriously than anyone i'm liable to meet.

thank you for talkig with me tonight. knowing i have someone like me around that i can talk to and have understand me is something i didnt really see fully until tonight.

one thing that just really kills me is that i dont feel welcome. when the time comes that you need me there with you--i shouldnt have to hesitate and think about the fact that i probably wont be welcome, you are my best friend and the second you need me i will be there, and i think that is all that matters. there shouldnt be any reason for me to feel like i cant be around you or go to your house or even be seen with you--even be near your house whenever i want to be. there shouldn't be any reason we cant have a normal friendship. it kills me, all i care about is you, ALL of you--the whole crew, and the fact that i wont be on the receiving end makes me sad.

i'm so confused.i realized i let worrying about what everyone else wants influence every decision i make, instead of doing anything for myself. i care so much about hurting anyone that i just do what i think will be easiest. i hate that. as selfish as it seems, it does even to me, i feel like i need to make my decisions based on whats best for me and not other people....can i ever be happy going that route? i feel so selfish even thinking about this but honestly i'm not sure i'm going to make myself happy if i just do things so i can please others...no matter how rude i act or how much it seems like i dont care what people think about me, i do. i cant stand when people dont like me....but only if they're just outright rude to me. like if someone yells at me, i cry. i'm just sensitive even though i dont think i show people that side of me often....i kind of act like a tough bitch so people cant hurt me. it all comes back to being hurt doesnt it? its pretty ironic...i never even realized its my biggest fear of all.

i have just now, in this span of 45 minutes decided i am going to make a change in my life. i dont even know how this will work, i tend to talk myself out of numerous things so we'll see how this goes down. i want to start doing things, for others, but start doing--or making--some decisions for myself....making them for my own happiness and not someone else's. i want to--this is where it gets tricky--open up. i dont want to close people off and out of my life because its truly no way to live at all. i dont enjoy it by any means, its just a hard cycle to break. i'll let you all know how this turns out....anyway...keep your fingers crossed

confetti icing really is the best

ok, so i totally wrote this last night, but it didnt save, as most of my journals dont. i have to copy them before i save them most times, and paste them into a new entry--suffice it to say it annoys me, as most everything in this world does. i should work on that....patience is a virtue means nothing to me....its a quality i do not posess--something unattainable for me...i see it in others and even THAT annoys me. but then again, when stupid rude people who are nosy and have no friends and call you a brat and basically just annnoy the living CRAP out of you who act like your mom try to be patient--it takes all my self control--which i realized i have a plethera of--not to slap them in the face.

on a lighter note.....

this--or i should say last evening was pretty good...if i do say so myself. ziti is so good...mmm. props to mom for making it pretty much after i scalded myself. dont ask. and by the way--people who have to steal bandaids from winn dixie should just take the whole freaking box, instead of taking the bandaids OUT of the box and leaving it there for innocent and unknowing people to buy later on...paying for an empty box. THANKS. ok so that cake was amazing...not pretty,but it tasted so good....confetti icing really is the best. 

i'm really not looking forward to school starting up again....i mean if i had actually gotten a decent schedule, teachers i wanted, lunches with people i actually knew, or a parking spot i could actually find....it MIGHT be different. but i dont know anyone, for classes or lunch, so i'll basically be a wlkaing hermit this year. i'm too shy to actually talk to people. (for those of you who know me well--try not to laugh TOO hard at this embarassing fact of my life) Yes, Kristina, Queen of the Skeptics, is afraid to talk to people, mostly impart i would believe, because it would mean letting people into my world and making myself vulnerable. something i do not do. you know what i mean...we already talked about it...not in this context but in general. anyways, i hope this year will turn out a million times etter than i am currently anticipating....or just fly by like last year. and i hope i dont flunk out either....with algebra which i suck at, anatmoy which will kill me, and spanish IV which i wont be able to understand on my plate...i think my eyes were inexplicably larger than my stomach. in any case, prayer will be a life line for me this year. wow, that makes it sound like it wasnt before---you know what i mean.

 

--How do I know what could have been, is what should have been? or what wasn't, is what was best?--

pink silk and black lace

this week has been....one of many emotions. i've been up--happy, laughing, and being myself--and i've cried numerous times for various reasons, seemingly all worse than the previous. everything has been so...complicated lately. relationships are confusing, at times strained, and even misinterpreted. feelings and tensions have been high and nerves have been trampled on. i've had a headache every single day this week, which isnt a good sign since that hasnt happened in two years. i just feel like i have to have my gaurd on at all times--i have to be ready for absoultely any and every conceivable occurance and trying to prepare for such things daily strains my mind and spirit--but mainly my heart. i can be fine one minute--have not a single care in the world--and the next i am on my knees pleading with either God or myself for guidance and solitude, praying for solace and peace for either myself or for someone close to me. i'll be laughing and the next thing i know i'm sitting on the floor listening to my best friend in the world weep, crying myself trying to understand why this has happened, why he has to go through something so horrible. why anyone has to deal with anything like this....why i feel like i'm always on egg shells...trying not to say the wrong thing and constantly searching for Your words instead of my own. I need strength right now, not for myself but for you, and I feel it slipping and hate myself for not being ready to comfort when i'm needed. i pray so often that this will all be over soon so we can all begin to heal; and simultaneously i pray for him to be healthy, i beg God to keep pain away from him, to give him comfort if nothing else. i'm torn, i just wish i didnt have to shed or more importantly see one more tear fall from a single eye; i want you to be happy again. everyday is a sturggle to be strong, to tell myself that my faith in You will refresh me so i can stand by your side and never falter, to keep me walking along with you never halting to catch my breath. even as i sit here pouring my thoughts out through my fingertips, even as i sit here and weep as each word comes to me, i pray for comfort, guidance, strength, love, mercy, and hope. this is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with, and it doesnt even involve me. there's nothing i can do, i'm powerless to help anyone. i dont even feel like i have a purpose sometimes, then i see a smile through the tears and i'm reminded that just being available is all i can do, it gives me a renewed sense of belonging. you just cant ever forget where i am, where my heart is, what with every fiber of my being i long to achieve.

 

--The most important thing is love. Unfaling in its strength, it can conquer everything.--

jerks-r-us

ok, so today started off great....i surpised myself by actually getting out of bed this morning when my alarm went off so i could do an early workout before i had to be at church at 7:30. so i worked out, showered, made scrambled eggs, got dressed and headed to church. all was going perfectly fine until i get off the bus once we arrive at ichetucknee....thats about where the high points end for the day. i never knew one person could be such a complete and blatant example of immaturity and bastardism all at once....like honestly, it could have put the world's most obnoxious kid to shame. not only do you have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on in my life...WHAT SO EVER...you have also no right AT ALL to pry into MY life and judge me based on bits and pieces of conversation you eavesdrop your way into knowing. pretty much calling me a whore and saying all i want is to "get some" is bad enough when you dont even know what my life or my situation right now invloves, but embarassing me, acting like a complete ASSHOLE and basically trying to annoy me to the point of insanity is just so low and suprisingly, not beneath you in the least. i was suprised at how normal this reaction for you must be when i sat down and thought about it. being as you still bring up every mistake i have ever made since i met you--pretty much everytime we are around each other--and failing to mention or even act as if you've made a single mistake in your life is pretty freaking cocky, and just plain rude and unnecesary dont you think? yeah me too...funny. its so completely immature that you cant let those things go...especially after what? THREE YEARS. get over it and over yourself. putting me and my friends down all the time, annoying the hell out of everyone, and being a jerk and blaming everything that goes wrong on something or someone else is getting real old real fast and i'm not putting up with it anymore. i'm not sure why anyone does when you act that way. the sad thing is, i know you can be a nice person too, its just i hardly ever see that side of you, and i usually see the obnoxious one when i havent even done anything to provoke you....oh say--like today is a good example. its not like people think its cool when you act that way, you dont score any popularity points and you certainly dont attract anything but negative attention to yourself either so i'm still not quite sure what you get out of it, besides seeing me....some "bitch" you dont care about walk around in tears all day.....which i wouldnt think is a satisfying reward but maybe to someone as twisted as you it is.

 

anyway, on a lighter note, thank you sheridan for making that amazing pot pie tonight, i really liked it and i'm so full now. you rock. and i want to say thanks to everyone who tried to calm me down today too, sorry i was such a wreck, every hug meant the world to me.

--Lord, hear my pleas for guidance and peace in my life. Place your healing hands upon those who need you the most right now, give them the strength and courage to face their fears and problems, but also remind them its ok to cry, and its ok to have fears. Keep them in the palm of your hand and close to your heart Lord, they need you now more than ever and so do I. Grant me patience and peace of mind as well as peace of soul. Help me to see the good in others, especially when I'm feeling least charitable, for at those times understanding is most imparative. Remind us all of you're healing Spirit and love. Amen.--

drowziness may occur....

ok so i've been dead tired all day....and i dozed for an hour on the couh around 6 and finally gave up and tried to get some sleep around 9:30....and i dozed for another two hours....AHH i hate it because you're sleepy and tired but you cant get into that REM cycle.....it drives me crazy, and i squirm and have annoying songs stuck in my head and am thinking about a milion things but cant seem to slo my brain down long enough to sleep.

 

so, besides the obvious drawbacks of having your teeth ripped out of your skull....i've been in my house for the past three days, and its driving my crazy. i am very--social--and i usually always have something going on so not leaving my house is makig me a little loopy. i need to start working out again--i did twice then got my teeth out so i havent and i dont want to fall back out of my cycle....plus its something to pass the time, these few days have gone by far too slowly. being broke isnt as much fun as it sounds either. i need a job. i think i'm going to apply at peterbrooke's....chocolate whenever i want is never a bad thing...esp when i'm PMSing...which happens a lot. ok so i'm gunna attempt to fall asleep again....wish me luck gang....until next time--or the next insomniac attack...

 

the nickname chipmunk has a whole new meaning....

so i got my wisdom teeth out yesterday morning, and although i dont look as bad as i had figured i would...it still hurts a whole lot. i'm only a little swollen which is good, but i cant really open my mouth up very wide, and it hurts to take my pills. they stuck an IV in my arm to knock me out, man it was so freaky-i dont like needles. i remember feeling the liquid gushing into my arm, but i dont remember falling asleep. and i do remember being able to feel the doctor poking around in my mouth, but i remember it didnt hurt. and i remember being woken up and this lady walking me--haha really slowly--to this little room with a bed to wait for my parents to ocme back, and i was alseep and hiccuping....so i must have looked so weird--fat cheeks filled with gauze, blury eyed, and hiccuping...hmmmm. then we sat there for a while and my mom took me home. i sat around for a while and had to change the gauze every twenty minutes--oh man it was gross. my fingers were red the first 4 or 5 times, then by around 11 when i went to bed for the night, it was only a little pink in the corners....but it still hurts awfully bad.

natalie, melissa, and tara came to see me today, which rocked! i only knew mel was comming bc she called, and she brought me a balloon and a funny card...:) it made me smile. then tara showed up with a dozen pink roses! yay, she rocks. and then a little later, natalie came with a half dozen pink daisies!! my favorite ever! you guys are the best. and stephen came last night to see me and we watched secondhand lions--finally lol. and i'm excited about giving you your present tonight--i hope you like it. i really want to go to PB tonight, but i can barely open my mouth so i figure trying to sing will be useless....oh well. i'm so excited that we're doing Epworth this year--its gunna be so awesome! whoop whoop!

so, i cant believe high school is half over already....it went by fast. i'm glad it did though, its fun sometimes but lets face it--school just isnt the way we like to spend our time is it? i'm excited that i get to go off to college in two years...it'll be nice to get out on my own and meet new people--which will take me a while since i'm shy around people i dont know, but it'll be good for me. i want to go to north carolina so bad, i need to keep my grades up....it'll be to expensive for me to go without a scholorship, even here in florida it will be hard. if i cant go out of state, i want to go somewhere in south florida so i can at least get that whole out on my own, away from home and at college vibe. haha key west would be awesome just bc its so pretty there--but being homophobic like i am it could turn sour. lol.

--the opposite of wisdom is not ignorance, its confusion.-- Yoko Ono

peek-a-boo

Mmmm, today was a good day--all except being pooped on by a sugar glider...twice...and it being Kinga's last day. The stock holders dinner was fun, the slideshow was cool--haha i dont think there was more than like two serious or attractive pictures of me in there. oh well, i'm not a serious person....so it happens. so tonight was the best night i've ever had. its what i've wanted for a while and wasnt sure i would want after and if i got it...i still want it. things are just so crazy..i dont know i cant describe it but things go one way and curve to the other. i wish i could just make a decision--whatever it may be--and not second-guess myself or talk myself out of whatever i decided upon. not to have any doubts either way. and i hate that i pay for other peoples mistakes...being judged when there are not grounds for which i can be judged, you dont know me so dont assume i am any certain way...good or bad, because you dont know me. lying to get away from it makes me feel horrible and i hate it even if it doesnt bother you, i know i dont deserve the time of day to get to know by actions taken....and it hurts me.

--I need Your grace within my heart, deeply flowing from the start. I need  Your arms where I can go, knowing I wont be alone. I need You more than I could ever know, Lord please never let me go. You are the air I breathe, the water I thirst for, you are all I've ever wanted, Jesus You are all I've ever needed. You are the stars in my sky, you are the love in my eyes. And i pray that in all that i do, i can always honor you.--