take me and break me, make me strong like You

i've felt such a strong sense of....idleness.

i dont feel as if my life is serving any higher purpose at all. i want to feel as if i made a difference for someone somewhere, did something that matters, meant the words i sang and practiced what i used to preach.  something is missing in my life, and i know there is a void in my heart where God used to securely dwell. i never meant to push Him out, i never meant to be inhospitable. but i didnt do a good job i guess. i cant feel Him anywhere around me. well--maybe i can, i mean i can see Him in everything there is, in the people i love, in the sunsets i see sitting on the wall in san marco, in the songs i listen to and in turn sing myself...but i cant feel a distinct calling in my life.

you read in the bible about men and God. how God would call out from the heavens and audibly converse with Joshua, or Moses, or come to Joseph in his dreams. why can't thing like that happen now? why can't God just pop into my room and sit down with me and say, "Listen Kristina, i know you feel lost right now and you feel like i havent been there.  I know that you long to do more than you are and i know you truly want to find me. well, i'm right here and all you have to do is love me and trust that i'll lead you where you need to be." why can't God just do that? who knows...is it that i'm just not listening God? are you trying to reach me but i'm just not picking it up?

i hear songs about purity, holiness, trusting the Lord, praising....i see people  reading the bible and contributing to discussions at church, observe people praising God when they think no one is looking. and i wonder if anyone sees that in me. do i represent what i say i believe? am i an example for others to follow? can anyone really see God in me? i dont know.

.:the nearness of You:.