the less i see you, the easier it is. i'm sorry for any pain, discomfort, or awkwardness i caused you. it was just seeing you so often, talking to you, it got to me. it made me miss what we were so much, and i guess by seeing you i thought maybe i could get a litle of it back. i cant. i know i cant. its hard to see you and not want to hug you, not want to talk to you, not want to feel like you want me too, but the fact that you dont is ok. when i take a step [or a few steps] back and see the situation clearly, i see that right now, no matter how i feel, we could never be happy. it could happen one day, some day in the future we could fall in love and get married and be happy together forever-------->but i'm not holding my breath. when i step back, i see that its ok to love you, and its also ok to let the idea of you go. i was so afriad of being alone that i clung to the memory of you with fierceness. you will always be in my heart, you will always and forever be a memory i will treasure, and you will never be forgotten------------>you showed me who i was and what i was worth, you opened my eyes and held my hand as i learned to love myself and a person who helped me so deeply will never leave my heart, but i think now in this moment, even though i may falter, i may find myself tempted to entertain thoughts of us in my mind once again, here and now away from you i know that i am ok. in this moment, i know that if we aren't together now, we arent supposed to be. and if you were the one, you would be worth the wait. if you aren't, i'll be glad i let myself let you go so i could find the person who could make me truly happy.
pearls:.
*my body is a vessel. it makes all of my dreams feasible. it allows me life, and to create beauty in whichever way i choose. i love to indulge my body in unhealthy ways, which in time will hurt it and make the things i want to do harder for me to accomplish. i want to treat my body with some respect. to keep it healthy, nourish it no just with the things i want, but the things it needs. i want to challenge my muscles, make myself stronger, more adept. and if i'm doing these things to internally improve my body, i want it to appear at its best. no scaly dry skin, no bumps, cuts, stubble, whatever. you can be healthy as you want, but you wont feel good about yourself unless you take care of the appearance of your body as well. feeling beautiful is just as important as being beautiful in every way.
*i need to love myself. i dont need to make myself look beautiful for anyone besides me. i want to feel as lovely as i know i am. God made me a lovely colorful jewel of a thing, and i want to remember this always. i have worth, i am full of value and meaning and mystery and beauty and power. i wont let anyone make me feel as if this is false, because i will always know it to be true. and i am going to find the one person who is meant to be mine.
*along with that, i will have fun. i will enjoy myself. i will not feel bad about myself when i allow myself to do nothing. its ok to do nothing some of the time. i will be with people who make me happy, and avoid ones who do not. this is not as easy as it seems to be. we are drawn to toxic people, people we want so badly to change, to be what they were, or what we know they might be one day, but are not at present. this could be anyone, and there are many people in my life who fit this description, and i want the best for them, but the best for me is to stay away when i hear that voice. i will not waste time dating anyone who walks up to me, i want to filter through them to find him. and i know i will.
*i'm tired of hiding from God. i want to be friends again. i dont see God as this mighty, frightening, 300 foot tall being that is unreachable and impersonal. i think this has a lot to do with my turmoil over being so far away from Him, i see Him as a big, huggable and warm friend; and i would hate to lose that. i want to take steps, small as they may feel, towards the thing that will never leave.
*my time is precious, so i will not spend every second of it worrying, stressing, screaming, and going going going all the time. i want to read my books, listen to my music, and watch my movies lavishly. and snuggle with sophie and macie while i scratch their butts and throw pinecones. i just want to be content. i also want to wear dresses all the time if possible. we'll work on that.
"the heart may freeze, or it can burn, the pain will ease if i can learn. there is no future, there is no past, i live this moment as my last. there's only us, there's only this, forget regret or life is yours to miss. no other road, no other way, no day but today. there's only us, only tonight, we must let go to know whats right, no other course, no other way, i can't control my destiny, i trust my soul, my only goal is just to be. there's only now, there's only here, give in to love or live in fear. no other path, no other way, no day but today. "
--------------> rent:.
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