cast aside, swallow pride, take a ride, suicide.

i'm so frustrated----------->just check up there. i'm so sick of being the black sheep. being gossiped about, being hated, being alienated, or ostracized, i forget which is which; you get my meaning. i didnt do anything to you. nothing. at all. and yet you go out of your way to avoid me, ignore me completely, cease all movement and signs of life when i come closer than 10 feet to you....it's abso-f*cking-lutely ridiculous. ridiculous. we were friends. and now you hate me. and i didnt do a thing to you.

and then some people now feel its their business to know everything about my personal life. this annoys me for two reasons: A. because if i wanted you to know i'd tell you without the hassel of being asked, and B. it irritates me when people ask about it only to get in on the gossip----------> they dont give a shit about anything but knowing what they can tell all their friends later. this is magnified when those people ONLY talk to you to find out about these incidents. get a life, and stop trying to get in on mine.

another thing i dont undestand is how things can go from being perfect one second, to all screwed up the next. how we can be laughing, playing, and teasing, and wham bam BAM! someone is grumpy and crabby and the whole evening is ruined. what's the reason for it? i only have a limited amount of time to spend with you anyway, why waste it by either of us getting upset over something silly? i know i still do it sometimes, but i try my best to let things roll off my back, especially now. i dont want to waste my time with you being angry, or upset. it worries me, all of this. when i leave we'll really be on edge, and i dont want that. i dont want tension surrounding this. i'll cry buckets when i leave, but i'm never really going anywhere. i'll always be where i've always been......right by your side. i've never left, even when we were apart. this will be the hardest thing i've ever done, aside from just being completely and totally seperated from you for most of last year....and i worry about it a lot. ponder it all the time. but then somehow, i always end up feeling ok. because i know we'll be ok.

i see the fire in your eyes

and i hope for the world that it never dies

i felt the softness of your inner core

all your intentions so pure and so raw

i see what you could become

i know that your doubt will be undone

and as time brings a change

there'll be no holding you back again

isolation wont be your protection:.

--------------------->the calling