i dont understand your heart, it's easier to be apart.

i feel so exhausted. physically, emotionally, mentally. trying to think abnout everything that has happened recently and all that is straight ahead. worrying and being afrid and reassuring and hoping--------------> it's all so much to absorb. relationships long since evaporated, ones that are dangling in thin air, close ones facing severe strain....my emotions are all over the map. i'm so afriad. the closer it gets, the more i wish i had taken the easy road. the road that says everything will be the same, that i wont have to face all these hard, difficult desicions, i wont have to fight for everything i want.

i'm so used to this; so comfortable in my life. it's routines, it's predictability, it's ease. i know i have to do this for me, and i know eventually it will be ok and i'll be glad i moved away. but for now i'm just sad. i'm sad and tired and afriad. i dont want to leave everything i know. to be alone in a strange place, without a friend nearby to talk to or a familiar face. i dont like this kind of change. i threw up every morning my first week of high school. in the end it didnt kill me; i barely escaped but i'm alive.

i dont want to be two hours away from you, to see you every few weeks and not days, to only hear your voice when you arent busy with something or another. that is what scares me most. being forgotten. i dont know why, i know i wont be---------------> i guess my insecuirty is just getting the best of me. i cant believe i cried sunday. honestly--i dont cry about sappy graduation junk. i laugh at people like that. but i did, it smacked me in the head like a Mack truck. even now i cant help it, i feel ridiculous. i'm not dying, i'm not moving to Bosnia, i'm just going to school. i cant put into words how i feel nor can i understand why. all i know is it hurts. and i know a lot about hurt, and what i know most about it is that i hate it more than anything.

it's scary when you dont recognize yourself anymore, when you get so lost that who you find isnt who you left and who you left is who you need.