so tired.

i'm sad. you left, again, just like i always thought you might. i loved you. i trusted you, i let you in, let you get close to me, and you punk out on me a week after i leave. either you never really loved me at all, or you just lied about why your broke it off. i dont know what to believe. but you hurt me. i've loved you for as long as i can remember, and you knew how i felt and you just left without even SEEING me. without SPEAKING with me. it hurts so much to be left by someone who taught e so much about myself, who believed so much in who i am, and that i matter for something, that i'm full of worth and that i am a good person. to have someone who forced me to love myself just leave because they idnt love me anymore kills me. if you cant see what good is in me, when you showed it to me, how am i supposed to believe it now? i dont understand why no one is willing to fight for me. for what i have to offer someone. why i am never good enough. i feel like that, that i never measure up to what people assume i am, or that people just dont get me from the start. why no one thinks it's worth it to actually sick it out through the really hard patches to reach the goodness that's waiting afterward. i hate that i cant find anyone willing to just accept hat and take it and see that goddamnit, I MATTER. AND I AM WORTH LOVING. i'm worth fighting for. i am worth a second chance, hell, i'm worth 1,000. why doesnt anyone see that?

they see a bitter, negative bitch who hates everything and ever has anything good to say even when i'm the one in the conversation NOT making judgements about everyone i see. NOT saying something rude about every person i think of. yep--i'm the bitch. ok. you just can't see past yourself to anything else.

i feel alone all the time. and i shouldnt, i dont want to be in that place again. it was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me, to feel alone like that. i dont want that again. i cant do that again.

it drives me freaking nuts. everyone here is like, "why dont you party, why dont you ever have fun, bla bla bla." i dont need to be drunk off my ass to feel good. i'm sorry if i know myself enough to be above that, but i am. and i do. i like to think. i like to watch people. i like to observe and be quiet and listen to people and HEAR WHAT THEY SAY. i want to read, and paint, and do what makes me happy. i'm sorry if that isnt good enough for you. but that is who i am, and i dont need people amking me feel like that isnt ok. no one has the right to tell me i'm not ok, and i'm sick of hearing it. i've hear it FOREVER and if you dont like who i am, what i'm about, or how i conduct myself leave me alone and find some dumb drunk slut to hang out with. do what makes you happy, and let me do the same.

i just have such a hard time believing God hears me. i feel like whenever anything good happens, it goes away. i feel i'm constantly struggling to have faith in Him and never being sure, when it should be the other way around. i want to feel secure in my faith and in what i know in my heart is true, but it's just...i dont know. i know what's right, and usually i do the right thing. i am a good person, and you made me see that. but i dont have that closeness. that relationship. i want that and dont know how to believe in it. i dont. i just want someone to talk to, tha understands. someone who i feel comfortable with, who i know wont be angry if i call them in the middle of the night just to know someone is there and knows i'm hurting, someone who can help me. and i have some people like that, but no one here. they are all home or away.

.:you opened my eyes, you opened the door to something i'd never known before:.
------------>music of the heart