i'm lonely

it's 11:30. which you  can plainly see from the timestamp on this entry. [the thing i hate about my mac and journaling is that i cannot bold, italicize, nor underline anything. we all know it is a passion i have.] but moving on. moving. thats what will happen in 36 hours, give or take. i will be living somewhere else, in a different state, a new place. [i also hate this keyboard, because i have to punch extra intensely for the stupid letters to show up, and everything is spaced just differently enough for me to constantly hit the wrong letters. and, for no particular reason, i am hitting the wrong letters completely out of order anyway. fuck this. i hate it.]

but, i will be gone. i spent the whole day packing up my life in boxes, bags, crevices, spaces. it's so different from everything i thought it would be. i thought i would look around my room and have it feel empty and cold, but it doesnt. it looks relatively the same. i didnt think it would take so long though. i neglected to think of the little things i would need, like paper clips, extra lead for my mechanical pencils, socks [which sounds stupid, but i never wear them,]  my Rx allergy pills incase i get sick [which i will because it happens every year in fall--->winter like a clockwork orange (i just like the play on words,)] and extra razor blades (because i cannot simply go to the drawer and extract a new, sharp one being as the drawer containing them will be two hours away.)

my last real night with mitchell was last night. it was nice until he decided he needed to go home because he was tired and had school the next morning. and i cant blame him, but the second he said he needed to go until i was driving myself home i just cried. i cried and cried and wanted to lock him away in my car and never let him out. it's hitting me now, that i am moving away. i will no longer be within a 10- or 25-minute drive away. i will see him, although not as ofetn, and we'll still talk on the phone, but it's just so...final. so real to me now. he didnt say a word in the car  while we headed home and didnt try to comfort me, but i think he was trying to keep it together to make it easier. or at least trying to avoid the truth. i do love him. with this intensity, this strength i cant explain. it isnt even what i would call passion really, there's just this deep connection to him, between his soul and mine that is always open. he's given me so much, taught me so much about myself, helped me learn to love myself in spite of others, discover who i am and what i want, helped me grow spiritually more than probably any other person has. he's just this light in my life, and without him life was liveable, but so much more gray. without him, i dont feel whole. not in an, "i need him to make me a complete person" kind of way, but in a, "my life is enriched when he is in it," kind of way. there was, and sometimes still is, so much doubt about the future. there always will be, becasue naturally i dont know where i will end up, but the more i actually consider it, i know things will be ok. just hearing his voice is reassuring. i think he can make it, and if we can't, i'll have learned some of the most important lessons of my life from a person i will love forever, someone who can't ever leave my heart, who i will keep close to me forever.

.many waters cannot drown love.