i just dont know anymore...

it's getting easier to breathe. i cant explain it. it hurts, and it hurts deeply inside of me, but at the same time, i can focus on something other than that. does that make sense? it hurts but i dont spend all my time feeling sorry for myself and being sad even though its so much easier. i miss him. everyday. every second i miss him with every fiber of my being. but, at the same time, he doesn't define me as he used to. who i am doesnt depend on if he wants me. i am a separate entity. i am a whole other being altogether. i think thats why this time is easier. thats why i can be ok, be normal. not fall so deep inside of myself that i cant find the way out.

i miss it. it isnt like any other feeling in the world. not like anything else. you have all of this love for someone, and suddenly its like that isnt enough anymore. it takes two, and all of a sudden there was one. it cant work, and neither person can be happy, but you want it to stay that way all the same because you'd rather be with someone and settling than be without them and face the fact that you may not be desirable. thats an awful and scary thing. but then all of a sudden i am alone, and i'm alive. i'm not dead. [i do realize i am completely and ridiculously repetitive.]

i guess what i'm trying aimlessly to get out is, i have figured out who i am and what i want, and even though many times i may choose the wrong thing, i try. i miss you because i loved you more than ive loved anyone before and you didnt want me. obviously that hurts, but i wont die. and right now its hard to imagine me finding someone to replace you, or caring that deeply for someone ever again, but i know if we arent meant to be, and i thought you were so amazing, the  guy i end up with will be......there arent words. if there is someone out there better than you, i cant imagine what he will be like. but i know whatever happens, i wont settle. i'm going to be happy no matter what, because i want it more than anyone else. i want to work for my happiness, and i need to remember my strength when things get hard.

i need to learn to trust. i dont. i dont trust easily, ad i'm not saying you should just naively believe everyone you meet, but i need to stop thinking so negatively towards others. just being here he short time i have, seeing all the different kinds of people there are and having those personalities around me has made my judgemental side  a little calmer. i've become more accepting of people since i got here, because people look freakin weird here--------->no lie. but there are some of the coolest people here too, and you'd never know what you were missing out on if you never gave anyone a chance. LIKE NOW FOR EXAMPLE. i'm out in the courtyard jammin to U2 like any faithful LUMC kid would be, and this guy walks up and tells me how much he likes U2 too. you never know who you'll talk to or meet here. ever. its sweet.

but back to my inner monologue. i have, ad always will, struggle with control. i need it. i need to help, i need to fix, and i need to be able to control what happens. God has shamelessly reminded me over the past two years that i have no control at all. He does. and i cant fix everything no matter how much i want to. but i still try. i still try to fix my problems on my own and i try to take control of my life by not trusting that He can do it so much better. i know He can, and i know i suck at it, but i cant give it up. i cant let Him in, and i cant say, "here, i'm tired, hurt, angry, and alone. fix my problems because i know i cant and i trust you to make my life better."  i wish with my whole being that i could say that and truly, sincerely mean it. but i cant. and i dont know how to. and that is what makes me saddest. i dont know how to trust God; i have no idea. what kind of person is like that? i dont understand! and it makes me so angry. this is the source of my low self-esteem. i have this God who loves me and wants th best for me and blah blah blah....but i dont trust Him no matter what happens. i dont do it on purpose, i dont do it because i think i'm better than God, and i dont do it because i want to piss Him off. i just dont know how. but i feel like not being able to trust Him is like telling Him to buzz off or something---------->you know? i guess its my twisted mind, always telling me i dont measure p when it isnt true. Gosh...i wish i could see myself positively all the time. i can look at myself and see beauty, but not always. i should be able to, but i cant. i think i draw well sometimes, sometimes i even sing well. but only sometimes. : /  not so cool.

god, i ramble like a maniac. anyone whos still reading is pulling one of those, "i'm still seeing words but not absorbing anything because i lost interest so long ago..."