i dont even know.

I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on

------------------>  mae, this is the countdown:.

i feel like i'm under one of those heavy, lead xray things. you know the ones, the things they lay on your chest before they xray your teeth at the dentist or something. i feel a pressure over me, and its hindering me.

i feel so far away from the things i want. i'm just so tired. i feel drained. i feel like i've been fighting a losing battle for years. i'm exhausted, and i just wish i could strip it all away. struggle is the thing that has overwhelmed me it seems; everything has been a struggle. god is a struggle, family is a struggle, friends are a struggle, getting over you is a struggle, letting anyone in is a struggle, school is a struggle. i dont expect my life to be a perfect, breezy thing, but i dont expect it to be this hard either. i mean, i dont know, i feel like i have to fight vicisously for everything i want, and even then sometimes it doesnt work out. the things that i want could even be right in front of me sometimes, and i cant just make myself take them. i'm so used to being disappointed its almost like i dont want to be content because its scary. i guess its scary to think i could be so happy, i could have all this goodness, and then imagine it all blowing up and returning to a place like the one i was in before. i dont want to be bak there. i'm just so damn afraid of everything. of being alone, of being with people, of succeeding, of failing, of never knowing god, of being intimate with god, of never finding anyone, of being in a relationship, of my own feelings.

i have so much trouble sorting out my own thoughts. its just this jumble of things. this knot of feelings, memories, things left unsaid, things said too often, things that hurt, things that scare me, dreams. i cant untangle them. i cant see them individually, its like i can only remember or see parts of my own mind, because there's so much that it all overlaps and envelopes everything else, obscuring what i'm trying to find. i feel like im constantly searching for a way to say what i want to get out and usually end up saying a lot, but never what i need to.

i can read other people's thoughts, lyrics, poems, whatever it is, and it will be exactly how i feel but it was what i could never get out the right way. everyone else seems to be able to say what i cant find the words for.