this whole day. maybe it started a little late, but that doesnt matter. it started off bad. it ended bad. the middle was ok. up until that damn movie it was ok. i dont even know how the heck it got so twisted. no idea. it just hit me like a ton of bricks-------->which hell, is what always happens. there is never anything slow and subtle with you. ever.

i dont understand. i dont understand why the heck you stay with me. through everything, through all that has happened, and not happened, through all of this. why wont you just leave? you stay in my mind and in my heart always and sometimes i wish you would just get the hell out. it would make forgetting you so much easier. and i cant. i cant forget. why does it still hurt so bad? it would be easier if you had been an ass. if you were a jerk and gave me a reason to hate you i would be able to get over it. but you were you. and you are never terrible. not to me. you just couldnt do it. i cant be angry with you for that. that makes it all the harder. i cant be mad at you, i cant be bitter, andi cant hate you. i just have a wealth of warm and happy thoughts of you that replay in my mind for what seems like forever...and the slideshow doesnt end once it's begun. not for ages. it just plays, and i sink lower and lower and i cant turn it off and i cant look away, cant breathe, cant refocus my energy, cant stop.

i dont understand why God would let this happen and then make things this difficult to forget. i dont. and this i think, is my biggest problem with God. He made all of this hurt happen, all of this pain. then miraculously He fixed everything....for an instant it seemed. and then He ripped it out from under me again. and now i have no answers. no where to turn, no comprehension. i believe everything happens for a reason, but i dont know what the reasons are. and i hate that. i got it back, that happened for a reason. why would You screw it up? why would You take it away? that happened for a reason to but i have no f*ing clue what it was. and then this---------->just like before, dreams. dreams at least once a week. constant reminders of what i have lost. the thing i treasured more than anything else, the thing i honestly believe i may never recover from....You keep that with me. why?

i just wish i knew why. all i want is the truth. from you, from Him, from whoever can give it to me. you have both mislead me. you have lied. you cant tell me the real reason why. and You justtoy with me. and i'm sick of it. i hate feeling this way. beig fine for so long, thinking i'm coping and moving on and then having it knock the wind out of me, side-swiping me completely.

whatever. whats the point anymore. it isnt like these same questions got me anywhere the last time, or ever. i dont know why i expect to understand. i just want the one thing i probably wont get back. just like everyone else. i guess i'm not any different from anyone else.