"it's never been so perfect being alive, i've never been so satisfied..."

It's never been more perfect being alive
I've never been so satisfied. Oh...

I could feel something different for the first time
Heaven made sense and all the words rhymed.
No chance of stopping now. I'm taking it all.
And now I'm caught in the air, its a good glide.
Pass it up, wouldn't dare what a wild ride.
I remember being ready and waiting to fall
just like I did tonight.

Spinning around and around
Until my left was my right and up became down.
With just one look you knocked me off of my feet.
So unable to speak. Oh how you made me weak.
Though it was a while ago, I still can recall.
That moment so ready, and waiting to fall.
Can you take me back in time
remembering when you captured my heart?
Over and over again.

It's never been more perfect being alive
I've never been so satisfied. Oh...

--------------->i heard this song on my drive home last weekend. it was sunny, i was singing loudly, and realized its true. i'm happy. i'm ok. i'm not crying all the time, i'm ok with being on my own again, ok without you, i can make myself happy. and i cried. and i remember winter retreat and how one night anna, who as awlays knew i needed her, and told me things i will never forget, with a fierceness i rarely see. and i knew she meant them, and i knew she was right, and i felt tired, and spent, but slowing filling up with something. and then i heard the song i've heard a million times, just like many similar songs i've heard before and thought, "i wish i felt like that," and i realized i DO. and i cried with joy. i dont feel backed into a corner anymore, i dont feel suffocated, choked, struggling. there are things i want, things i want to be different, but until they happen i know i will be alright, and thats a reassurance i'm not ever sure i had before. i'm afraid of the future and what it brings, but just thinking about what i'll be learning soon, the people i'll meet, the people i know whom i may grow closer with, the people i dont need anymore i can let go of, the relationship i know that will come.....remembering all this makes me excited amidst being fearful. not even fearful, i wouldnt say thats the right word, more.....slightly apprehensive. moving forward definitely, but looking both ways.

its a weird feeling. i know that sounds strange, but i'm not used to be content. the last few years have been full of dark things...things i never want to dwell on again. i like this. i hope that things fall into place.

-------------->i'm alright alone, but i know there's so much more waiting for me...