the f-up

sometimes i feel like a complete bitch. i hear the stuff i say...and it isnt even necesarily awful stuff...but i hear how i talk to people, and i just want to hit myself. i dont mean to be so bossy, i dont mean to be such a perfectionist, i dont mean to micro-manage. ugh. if i were someone else meeting me, i'd probably hate me. nice.

i never meant what i told you to hurt you the way it apparently did. you needed to know that your actions and words are more powerful than you seem to realize, you cant live forever thinking the way you treated me was ok, but i never meant to make you feel so hurt. i dont remember my wording, i dont remember exactly what i said, but i do know imy intention was not to hurt. i may not have executed it well, but i'm sorry. i want you to be happy and i want you to find someone who will make you happy and i think one day you will....but you have to let people love you. and you have to stop being so insecure. you have to find the person who appreciates YOU, not the person who uses you as a convenience. you are better and deserve better than that and if i ever made you think otherwise i'm sorry. i try so hard to get along with you...i hate thinking we'll never be close. that sucks. but sometimes i dont think we ever could be.

ugh. i feel like i f-up everything i do. ^ that. the last relationship i was in. this relationship. i swear i'm like a virus. and its all different. im too outspoken, i'm too hot tempered, i'm too insecure, i'm too afraid...i dont feel like i can function sometimes. i wish there was an emotion vacuum..or a sponge. i could sop up all my extra emotion, crazyness, worry...pick your poison, i just want to get rid of it. its coming out my ears. i'm insecure from being dumped by the first person i loved and so i need constant reassurance; i need to be told how great i am because i still feel kind of like i'm worthless. [i'm not saying these are logical or plausible feelings, they just are what they are and its how it is.] i'm afraid you dont care about me as much as i care about you so i get even more insecure. and then when i realize how much i might just care about you i start being irrational and obsessing over stupid things that dont matter so i can push you away because i'm afraid of liking someone so much again, but as i push you pull me back and i push harder and....jesus. its this horrible cycle. i want to feel confident in myself, i want to know that you care about me not only by your actions but by your words. being insecure is not the only reason people need to be told their value, telling someone why you treasure them is something you should do with everyone you know, especially in a situation like this. i want to be with you and know we're on the same page, and i want to love you knowing thats ok and that its possible to be over him. i want to know for myself, in my heart, that i moved on and i made it through all the crap i was feeling and i'm on the other side and i'm ok, i didnt die, i thought i might but i didnt, and i realize that even though part of me will always love him, the rest of me is happy to be with someone i know genuinely loves me too.

i also want to stop being an insomniac. i hate this.