i should probably call the doctor at some point...

i. am. an. asshole.

i feel like a terrible person, insensitive and inhumane. rereading that made me sick. i was so frusterated it all just sort of spilled out and it looked and sounded heartless and terrible and it was. i guess i figured no one reads this so no one would see...thats how i think of this now. its just a place for me again--no one reads it so i finally feel like i can say what i want and not censor it to sheild myself or sheild people from what i want to say. but it isnt i suppose.

i am unhappy, and i am [80% of the time] thinking things wont really change...but part of me doesnt want them to. i want to try to work things out. i want things to get better, but i just dont know if they can, and that all hangs over my head. it doesnt really have anyting to do with you. i just dont know if i feel it anymore, and it makes me so sad. and i know if this ends its over. we wont talk and wont see each other and we cant have a relationship and that kills me. i've spent almost a year seeing you and at least talking to you everyday. you're my best friend, and i dont want you to leave my life. i also knw thats a pretty selfish thing to ask of someone. but i dont care. i'll be selfish. whatever. i dont even know why things started changing or why i feel differently, i dont know what happened but something did and i try to ignore it but sometimes it just slaps me in the face.

i want to try to fix things but i'm just scared that something got lost that i cant get back. i dont want us to seperate and go our different directions. i dont want to feel like i can't call you when i want or need to or i cant go places because you'll be there. i dont want the awkwardness. and mostly i dont want ot hurt you. but i already have and that hurts me most. i never said anything and i put things off and bury things inside me so i wouldnt have to deal with the inevitable. i dont know what to do or what to say, i cant physically say much at all...but i feel miserable. and i wish this never happened.