3 more days. the worst 3 ever. the smaller number doesnt make them suck any less.

i feel heavy. like the whole world is on my shoulders. i have finals, which yeah sucks but it'll be over soon. right now it feels like it will never end--daunting, endless. but its so much more than that.

i just feel like i'm working so hard----killing myself----and i dont know WHY. i dont know what i want. i have no real, concrete direction for my life. i'm just floating around. i'm scared. i feel guilty all the time. like i'm just wasting time and money. lots of it. trying so hard to find my place, i just have no idea where exactly my place is. or where to find it. or how. or if i will. i will, it just doesnt feel that way.

theres so much i want to do and try and experience and i cant do it all, and i cant decide. and i feel like....i dont know. i'm so afraid of deciding on a path, and then getting there, doing something, and just falling on my face. like, yeahh! whoo i finally picked a future, awesome, i'm not wasting peoples time and money anymore. i have direction....oh wait, i sucked miserably at it--i picked wrong. and i spent all this time trying to get to where i want to go and BAM! i just fail. abysmally. totally. and then i've gone and wasted time and disappointed everyone all over again without even meaning to, thinking i was doing so well, thinking i had it together. and i didnt.

i dont know why i feel this incredible need to just be so impressive and successful and great, put together, savvy, perfect. but i do. i feel like nothing else is good enough. like i wont be good enough if i cant get it together NOW, choose NOW, be wonderful and great and this amazing prodigy NOW. and it feels horrible. and i worry myself sick and stress out and just KILL MYSELF trying to be this thing. this nonexistent perfect being. and its horrible. and i dont know how to stop and shut up and let things happen. i dont know where this awful, terrible fear of not being good enough comes from. but its there, and its eating me from inside. because i cant live that way. i will never be perfect, so i'll spend my whole life reaching for the unacheivable. running towards this nonexistent happiness, this idyllic life that doesnt exist.

it isnt even about jobs and career goals, school or majors, its just everything. like, if i'm not perfect enough, if i cant be pretty enough, fit enough, funny enough, charming enough, brave enough people wont like me. and i hate it when people dont like me. thats horrible. even if i dont like them. i still freaking care what they think and i shouldnt. people who arent worth my time, or my energy, my concern, i give a damn what they think when they dont matter. and i cant stop. i find this amazing man, this perfect person, perfect for me, who makes me smile and laugh and feel beautiful and makes me feel good about myself in every way, who appreciates me and treats my like im the only woman that exists--this amazing person, and i'm afraid i'm just not good enough for him. like if i cant be perfect, if i make one mistake, he wont love me anyone. and that isnt good. and its also completely untrue. because i AM. i AM GOOD ENOUGH. and i'm sick of people treating me like i'm not, of making me feel like i'm not worth loving, not worth caring about if i dont do this with you, if i dont want you saying that to me, i want you to treat me with some f-ing respect. like thats too much to ask. well it isnt. i'm sick of dating people, caring about people and realizing they never cared, not the way they should have. like I DID SOMETHING WRONG. like it's MY FAULT you couldnt get it together. you couldnt grow up, or whatever it is. i didnt do anything, but i still feel like its my fault.

i dont know why. all i remember when i feel like this is mrs. collins telling my in sunday school one morning that i'm not important enough to have everything in the world be my fault. which sucked. that made me feel so vain and horrible. but its true. just harsh. i dont know why i cant ignore what jerky people say, what people who dont really know me think of me, of what people who DO know me think...because it doesnt matter. it really doesnt. but i cant get that concept into my brain. i cant accept that. and i dont know how to make myself. i shouldnt care if some jerk thinks i'm a stupid whore who is selfish and immature and a complete bitch. WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK. i shouldnt. i dont want to. for a long time i didnt care about crap like that. or maybe i just ignored how much it hurt me. i dont really know anymore. stupid counselling. part of me wishes i never went, then i could just ignore my stupid problems and it wouldnt suck so much to realize how freaking insecure and pathetic i really am.

i never knew i had such crappy self esteem. i mean i like myself, i think i'm pretty, funny, i know i;m a nice and good person, i genuinely care about other people, i want to make the people i love happy. i want to make ME happy. but the second someone says something negative about me i shut down and accept it immediately. like maybe i was just wrong about how nice iam. maybe i am a bitch. and i think of every mean thing i've ever said and chide myself. i cant remember a single good thing i've ever done in that moment. even the greatest people on earth had their moments, why cant i? why am i not allowed to make mistakes? i should be. everyone else can. i just hate that i allowed myself to get this way. and i dont know how it got so bad. i know when it started, i just never knew how much it affected me until recently.

i dont know how i got you babe, but i did. and i dont think i could ever be happier about anything in my entire life. because i dont know anyone really, besides maybe momma and daddy or natalie that can take me when i'm screaming and angry and just want to give up, and cry, because even they cant always...i dont know anyone who can make me feel like it isnt really over. things will be ok. and i just have to take a few more steps, i just have to hold on a little longer and the sun will come back out and things will be ok again. you do that. and i love you very much for putting up with me when even i dont like how i'm acting, when i'm embarassed by my behavior, you're still there. and i know you arent going anywhere.