anywhere else you could possibly go after new york would be a pleasure cruise.

i just got home. from new york. it was fun, but at the moment i really am not in the mood to talk about that.

it was a bad day. more frustrating than anything else, but now i'm just in that mood...discontent was pretty close...but its just "the feeling".  the i hate everything thats happening-remembering everything bad-dwelling on anything irritating-i cant help but cry a little-i just want to run into the middle of a big, empty field and scream and be alone with my thoughts and away from everyone i know and everything there is--type feeling. and i dont know if its something everyone feels, but i feel it increasingly.  i just need to be alone for a while now. just with me. i dont want anyone else for a while. [i want to hear his voice, and would like him around truthfully, but seeing as this is impossible, there is no one else i want at the present time. no one hears me or can make me feel calmer, more sane, or safer than he.]

i was thinking, in the midst of our 2 hour cab ride from hell--seriously, what kind of cab driver can't find the airport, WHAT THE F..i digress--but as we were leaving i was thinking very deep thoughts, delving deep inside myself as i find i often do, most especially in cases where i want to be alone but can't be, and desperately wishing there was a table i could write at or type on. i wanted to let it out, and let it out strong. i just get these urges to write that are so incredibly intense and yearnful that i can't even seem to sit still. it is then that this deep thinking usually begins.

i dont remember most of my delving thoughts, but they were centralized around something resembling: i am too impatient to live in new york city. the more i thought about that idea the more ridiculous it started to sound--too impatient? for new york? ha. like there is such a thing. it's like it's own little world, specially designated for the world's impatients. but then again--the crowds? the traffic? its insane. totally and utterly insaaaaaannnnneeeeeeeeeeeee! and the more impatient you get, the less it seems like you have any control over changing your circumstances. at least here i can be impatient and do something about it. i'm not struggling to walk down the sidewalk without ramming into someone, not crunched in traffic swerving in vain like a mad woman. my train of thought ends here.

i do remember being fascinated by the subway--and only in the sense that i would love to ride it all day long, with a notebook and a pen, and just write about the people. i can't help but observe, people are just fascinating, sometimes frightening, weird, smelly, beautiful...fascinating. i wonder who they are, where they're going, what they go home to, where they buy their clothes, if they have their favorite cafe, boutique, news stand, bench or boulder in central park....what they think of everyone else around them. i was thinking so many thoughts on the subway today. this little man, mid-late 50s, 5'9 or so, very thin...he was eating an orange. and he just fascinated me. i tried not to look at him too much but it was hard not to, i just tried to figure out his whole life. he had on very worn clothes, like he hadn't been able to afford the shop for news ones in maybe 10 years at least, but looked fine enough. bookish, maybe a computer technician or a clerk of some sort. he had big outdated glasses and very dusty, light colored hair that was fading--and a mustache. [i thought it was moustache, but spell check is telling me otherwise--i like it better spelled incorrectly] he was just so unassuming, eating his orange sections, holding the tiny scraps left over in his lap, and i just wanted to hug him. he just seemed like he needed a hug. i felt terrible that i didn't say hello to him once i had gotten off.

i'm just too scared to say hello to most people--and they are usually the ones i want to reach out to the most, or perhaps need a little love the most.

i always feel like a terrible person if i dont give a homeless person money--in truth i think i've only done this maybe twice ever--but honestly 90% of the time i haven't, it was because i had no cash, i never carry it. the other times i'm usually just frightened. in my head i tell myself it's because i'm a young girl and usually it's a man who is asking, and i dont feel safe--this is never untrue--it just isnt the whole reason.  i just havent figured out quite yet what the other part is.

i have physical therapy in the morning--i always forget this until right before bed, and then get irritated that i have to wake up so damn early, this occasion is no different.  i hate it. i want to quit going---it in a word, sucks.