i want to strangle you.

i cant freakin sleep. again. i HATE summer. its so DAMN HOT...i cant lay in my bed without sweating. with the fan on "full blast" in little more than unmentionables....dyinggggggggggg of heat. forget covers..HA! they mock me, "kristina, i'm so warm and cozy, come snuggle under me, HAHA! syke! i'm going to suffocate you in a humid cloud of heat." thanks. i just roll around and toss and turn and sweat and cry and want to scream and drift in and out of consciousness, if i do sleep, it doesnt faze me, because when i wake up i feel like shit and i currently feel as if i havent slept in days. no naps either---god forbid i could fall asleep during the day to make up for my nightly roll around. even my ambien doesnt help. thats seriously insane.

if all the physical stuff wasnt enough i cant stop thinking about you. and that isnt good. i'm so ANGRY with you. i'm afraid i'll see you everywhere i go, afraid of what that would mean, what i would say or wouldnt say, what you would do, if i would burst into tears [probably], if i would punch your lights out [probably not although i would seriously consider it]. i just dont understand--and thats probably one of my biggest faults--needing to understand everything, because i never will. i'll never know why in two days things fell apart, why you couldnt see that i was hurting just as badly as you, why you didnt want my help, why you didnt protest when i said i couldnt do it anymore, why you let me go and never did anything to stop it. didnt even try. you said you loved me, but it was ok for me to say no to you, no to the fighting. you loved me and then what? how can you do that? if i knew i could have reached out to you and make things right i would have, but there was nothing i could do to fix it. if i thought i could make it alright i would have come back in a heartbeat, i loved you. too fast. too much. and you just broke my heart and never said anything about it. i'm so angry. but part of me doesnt even know why--it never would have lasted. i just cant believe you let me go. and i dont know what happened, why it was ok, why you were so unhappy, why i wasnt worth fighting for.

why am i never worth fighting for?

it doesnt matter, in time i'll let it go, let you go. i dont need you. the idea of you just hurts. and he doesnt hurt me. and he listens to me, and understands that i need to work it all out in my head but that i need to work it out loud. i need someone to listen to me, he knows where i'm coming from and it doesnt matter how stressed out i get, thats ok. its ok for me to let it out. and he waited through too many people for me. and too many miles. and he sees the bad in me, but he helps me through it, he doesnt throw it in my face. he sees good in me i had never seen in myself, sees inside of me. it scares me a little how well he knows me when what i'm thinking when i don't say a word, what hurts me and what makes me happy. and i never knew how much he mattered to me until you were gone.